aztchr

Well, even before my sister's relapse, my mom's attitude has been awful about everything. I think she has so much anger and resentment toward my sister and how her addiction has affected the family, especially my mom. My mom had to give up a job because of needing to take care of my niece. My dad is on a medical retirement, but went back to work a couple days to keep the family afloat. So he's tired when he gets home and is parenting the grandchild, too. (Child's dad is out of state.)

Anyway, my mom is so negative toward everything. I hate to say it, but I think she likes complaining. She's stuck in the problems and not any solutions. Martyrdom comes to mind. I've invited her to a meeting and asked if she wanted to go do something (movie, lunch, etc.) but no. She has so much to do around the house, etc.


I like to be happy, joyful, and grateful. I try to extend this to my mom, but it's starting to be unhealthy for me to really be around her. Then she says you probably won't even want to come over here. You have your own life. Guilting me perhaps? I don't know. Misery sure does love company, but I hate to see my mom hurting so much.

Is there anything I can really do for my mom?

historyteach

I'm sorry your mom is hurting so much.
I understand how she feels, cuz, it's how I felt prior to my own recovery -- hurt, bitter, angry at the world for being unfair. And no one could do anything for me until I wanted to make my life better.

But, there are some things you are already doing. Offering to do things with her. Showing her the example of living in the present; in a joyful manner. These models are positive examples for her; she may just want what you have one day. So keep it up!

Perhaps, once in a while, you could offer to babysit so she can get together with her friends? Or get her hair done? Or go on a date with her husband?
And definately leave a copy of Codependent No More behind, (accidently, of course), the next time you visit.

Shalom!

bigsister1982

Speaking from personal experience, I think a lot of people deal by throwing themselves into being busy, ALL OF THE TIME. I always have this fear that if something's going to go wrong, it's when I'm relaxed and happy, when I'm least expecting it. If I'm stressed and exhausted all the time, it will hurt less when soemthing goes wrong.

Also, possibly she keeps busy so that she doesn't have time to sit down and think about what's going on. It's definitly not the right way to deal with things, but I understand why people think that. Do you think that sending her to these boards would help? They've definitly helped me. Or coming over and send her out with her grandchild for something relaxing and fun for both of them? Maybe you could get a gift certificate for her and her grandchild to go to the movies or suggest they go to the park and have a picnic.

aztchr

I've mentioned SR before and she has many of the Melody books and 2 Alanon books.
She reads everything, but putting what she reads into practice is another thing. When she's sick and tired...hopefully she'll work on herself. I'd like a happy mom back, but considering the circumstances I understand.

She wants my sister to be the mom to her daughter. Unfortunately, she can't right now.
My parents are also having difficulties so a date night is out right now. I've suggested it, but they barely speak in the house. They've been on different pages for awhile.

I'm letting it go and am learning to not give my mom any suggestions.

painter

Don't know the whole situtation, but, just a thought. Your mom is probably angry at everything. Her life has done a 360. Her life is not her own anymore. She has to be a Mom all over again. And I know it is not easy. She might have alot of resentment about being put into her situtation and there isn't a darn thing she can do about it. Someone has taken her life away. And yeah she is probably tired as heck. I am there now. I love my grandkids to pieces and would not give them away, but I would love the have MY life back. Til you have been there, go gently. Offer to take the neice for a week-end and give Mom a break. It is not easy raising a child a second time around.

sleepygoat

I'd be pissed too if I was your mom. Let her have her anger. Let her have her process. Beiing angry isn't the same as being 'sick'. We have to go through the entire spectrum of the grieving process, over and over for as long as it takes. I know I do. slowly, very slowly (its been 2 years since I realized my daughter was an addict), I am finally having more good days than bad ones. I don't think its been that long for your mom. And I don't know what sort of days I'd have if I had to care for a little child again who I didn't exactly volunteer to parent. Try giving her support in the form of acknowledging her feelings as valid, and ask her if you can babysit (or whatever you are in a position to help with) sometimes. sorry if this sounds harsh, but its just my take on it ( not necessarily "the truth" whatever that is!)

Impurrfect

(((Aztchr)))

My stepmom is one of those who worries about everything and is never really happy. She's been like that since my stepsister (her youngest) died at the age of 18 and we have raised her child since she was 1. Dad is pretty negative and controlling. I don't think they're happy with their marriage but won't call it quits.

I live with both of them. It took me a while (and reading here a LOT) to get to where I am. I let them both vent, but I no longer let it drag on..and on...and on. The best thing I've found to do, is still be my happy self. Every time something goes wrong, I'm quick to point out what we have to be grateful for. At first, I got snarls Now, they are both picking up on my attitude.

Mostly what I've learned is that I can't change them. I've had to tell stepmom "this is what I would do...you've got to make your own decision and live with the outcome. I love you dearly, but I'm not going to get into this". It was hard, but I literally felt like th life was being sucked out of me for a while.

I can see why you're mom is angry...this has to be hard on her. And, honestly, she is probably trying to guilt you about "living your own life"....my dad has done that to me.

Keep on doing what you're doing. I've been home over 2 years and am just now seeing that dad and stepmom are picking up my good attitude. It's even wearing off on my niece, who is about to be 15.

Sometimes the best we can do is love them and lead by example.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

patchoulli

I have my 2 year old grandson...Im 50 years old. Usually my mom has him on weekends but this week, she had a minor surgery and could not take him. Tomorrow starts the week again[daycare/work/back to daycare/]and yesterday afternoon I felt very sorry for myself..I do understand loving a child and doing the best for that little one, I also understand the feeling of being trapped in a situation where we don't have a choice[keep the baby or put in foster home]Last nite he was sick[asthma], so up all night...I remember going into my room,closing the door and for a minute and just screaming...Your mom probably cannot see the forest thru the trees right now. If there is any family that can give her a break [a planned overniter once or twice a month]so that she can start to absorb the things she needs to accept and has something to look forward to at the end of the day], this could help...