10 Day Challenge - Day #7 - Saturday, June 7
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
10 Day Challenge - Day #7 - Saturday, June 7
Lucky Day # 7 y'all!
Anyone struggle with guilt or guilty feelings?
Sometimes when we decide to change ourselves in ways we know may bring discomfort or "rock the boat" of those around us, or we let someone face the full consequences of their own actions we can allow ourselves to become paralyzed by guilt.
From A Truthful Heart: Buddhist Practices for Connecting with Others by Jeffrey Hopkins:
"If guilt means extending worry about what you have done, then it does not help. If upon reflection you admit you have done something wrong, then sometimes, some tangible restituition is possible; for example, you can sincerely apologize to the injured party and repent in your heart; you can pay for damages or return stolen property.
However, if you misuse time itself, no matter how much you may regret doing so, you cannot return it.
All that is left is an intelligent decision to face what has been done and make a commitment to break the cycle. In meditation, contemplate: "This action (say, wasting time, or "controlling" others) was motivated by fear, or hatred, or ignorance; it was wrong, and I do not want to do it again in the future. May I not do it again in the future! I will make sure not to do it again in the future." It's a great relief to feel: "Two years ago I did these things - It seemed to be the only thing I could do at the time, but with what I know now, I would not do the same today. I will try never to do that again!"
From Cultivating a Compassionate Heart: The Yoga Method of Chenrezig by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron
"When we meditate, things from the past come up, and we have to work with them. We may remember times when we treated others and ourselves with less than appropriate respect. While regret for these actions is natural and necessary to purify these karmas, we often fall into guilt and shame instead.
Guilt and shame are obstacles to overcome on the path, because they keep us trapped in our self-centered melodrama entitled "How Bad I Am." Regret, on the other hand, realizes that we erred, leads us to purify, and motivates us to refrain from acting like that in the future.
How do we counteract guilt and shame? One way is to recognize that the person who did that action no longer exists. You are different now. Is the person who did that action five years ago the same person you are now? If she were exactly the same person, you would still be doing the same action. The present "you" exists in a continuum from that person, but is not exactly the same as her. Look back at the person you were with compassion. You can understand the suffering and confusion she was experiencing that made her act in that way."
ANTIDOTES TO GUILT
ANTIDOTE 1 - Reflect on responsibility. Often it may prove it is/was not my responsibility or fault! Blaming oneself for everything negative that happens is a form of ignorance and self-centredness. Obviously, if I am careless and intended to cause problems, then I should take my responsibility and see to it that I will not repeat this regrettable action. Instead, maybe I can do something to make up for it.
ANTIDOTE 2 - Reflect on motivation. An act done with a positive intention, especially without any base self-interest is not negative, although other people may be harmed by it. The suffering experience of others is strictly spoken the result of their own actions (karma), and apparently I just happened to be part of the circumstances that could ripen their negative karma.
ANTIDOTE 3 - Changing or accepting. If you can change yourself or the situation, change it! If you can't change yourself or the situation for a good reason, accept it! Not acting where we can and could act can lead to frustration and guilt in the long run; just like acting where we actually cannot do anything.
If you walk less than a mile don't feel guilty!!!! ;-)
Happy Trails-
B.
Anyone struggle with guilt or guilty feelings?
Sometimes when we decide to change ourselves in ways we know may bring discomfort or "rock the boat" of those around us, or we let someone face the full consequences of their own actions we can allow ourselves to become paralyzed by guilt.
From A Truthful Heart: Buddhist Practices for Connecting with Others by Jeffrey Hopkins:
"If guilt means extending worry about what you have done, then it does not help. If upon reflection you admit you have done something wrong, then sometimes, some tangible restituition is possible; for example, you can sincerely apologize to the injured party and repent in your heart; you can pay for damages or return stolen property.
However, if you misuse time itself, no matter how much you may regret doing so, you cannot return it.
All that is left is an intelligent decision to face what has been done and make a commitment to break the cycle. In meditation, contemplate: "This action (say, wasting time, or "controlling" others) was motivated by fear, or hatred, or ignorance; it was wrong, and I do not want to do it again in the future. May I not do it again in the future! I will make sure not to do it again in the future." It's a great relief to feel: "Two years ago I did these things - It seemed to be the only thing I could do at the time, but with what I know now, I would not do the same today. I will try never to do that again!"
From Cultivating a Compassionate Heart: The Yoga Method of Chenrezig by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron
"When we meditate, things from the past come up, and we have to work with them. We may remember times when we treated others and ourselves with less than appropriate respect. While regret for these actions is natural and necessary to purify these karmas, we often fall into guilt and shame instead.
Guilt and shame are obstacles to overcome on the path, because they keep us trapped in our self-centered melodrama entitled "How Bad I Am." Regret, on the other hand, realizes that we erred, leads us to purify, and motivates us to refrain from acting like that in the future.
How do we counteract guilt and shame? One way is to recognize that the person who did that action no longer exists. You are different now. Is the person who did that action five years ago the same person you are now? If she were exactly the same person, you would still be doing the same action. The present "you" exists in a continuum from that person, but is not exactly the same as her. Look back at the person you were with compassion. You can understand the suffering and confusion she was experiencing that made her act in that way."
ANTIDOTES TO GUILT
ANTIDOTE 1 - Reflect on responsibility. Often it may prove it is/was not my responsibility or fault! Blaming oneself for everything negative that happens is a form of ignorance and self-centredness. Obviously, if I am careless and intended to cause problems, then I should take my responsibility and see to it that I will not repeat this regrettable action. Instead, maybe I can do something to make up for it.
ANTIDOTE 2 - Reflect on motivation. An act done with a positive intention, especially without any base self-interest is not negative, although other people may be harmed by it. The suffering experience of others is strictly spoken the result of their own actions (karma), and apparently I just happened to be part of the circumstances that could ripen their negative karma.
ANTIDOTE 3 - Changing or accepting. If you can change yourself or the situation, change it! If you can't change yourself or the situation for a good reason, accept it! Not acting where we can and could act can lead to frustration and guilt in the long run; just like acting where we actually cannot do anything.
If you walk less than a mile don't feel guilty!!!! ;-)
Happy Trails-
B.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Bernadette
I've been on and off with this commitment this week but today I had a great day and walked about 5 miles or more. I went geocaching with my brother. It was my first time and it was FUN! Lots of exercise and lots of time to think. Thanks for the motivation!
hugs
I've been on and off with this commitment this week but today I had a great day and walked about 5 miles or more. I went geocaching with my brother. It was my first time and it was FUN! Lots of exercise and lots of time to think. Thanks for the motivation!
hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"However, if you misuse time itself, no matter how much you may regret doing so, you cannot return it."
This was the line that kept nagging at me in my head when I walked to day.....
I kept thinking of Neil Young's song Look out for My Love that starts "There's a lot to learn for wasting time...." and so I was kind of trying to STOP myself from thinking about wasted time and then I did what the guy said which was just go to guilt and shame and the "how bad I am" broken record...and I could see that's a dead end and BORING pity party!
So I gave it up the way the first guy suggests "Staying in bad situations when I knew I needed to get out was motivated by fear, it was wrong, and I do not want to do it again in the future. May I not be afraid of listening to my gut again in the future! I will make sure not to do it again in the future." Which felt kind of silly and made me giggle and I said it a few times over and over and I kept walking and I stopped thinking about that stuff in the past. It felt good.
Peace,
B.
This was the line that kept nagging at me in my head when I walked to day.....
I kept thinking of Neil Young's song Look out for My Love that starts "There's a lot to learn for wasting time...." and so I was kind of trying to STOP myself from thinking about wasted time and then I did what the guy said which was just go to guilt and shame and the "how bad I am" broken record...and I could see that's a dead end and BORING pity party!
So I gave it up the way the first guy suggests "Staying in bad situations when I knew I needed to get out was motivated by fear, it was wrong, and I do not want to do it again in the future. May I not be afraid of listening to my gut again in the future! I will make sure not to do it again in the future." Which felt kind of silly and made me giggle and I said it a few times over and over and I kept walking and I stopped thinking about that stuff in the past. It felt good.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I try really hard not to look at the years I made bad decisions as "wasted time" (it doesn't always work, mind you, but I'm getting better)
Without all of that training in what I DON'T want, I could never be where I am today, walking closer each day to what I DO want. It would be like getting out of college, getting a job you like with your diploma, then writing off those four years as "wasted time" because they're over.
I'm grateful to those bad years for making me who I am. If I had done it all "right" I probably wouldn't have learned so much about myself.
Right?
Without all of that training in what I DON'T want, I could never be where I am today, walking closer each day to what I DO want. It would be like getting out of college, getting a job you like with your diploma, then writing off those four years as "wasted time" because they're over.
I'm grateful to those bad years for making me who I am. If I had done it all "right" I probably wouldn't have learned so much about myself.
Right?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I relate to feeling I have 'wasted time'. I spent the years with my exabf thinking for the majority of it that I was beginning the rest of my life. I was laying the foundations for my future marriage and I would finally be able to begin a proper family.
I had my first daughter when I was 18yrs and had split with her dad when still pregnant. I knew I didn't want to have more children straight away, and went back to school and got my degree. I always thought that the next time I would be married and have a child with someone who was committed to a family with me. Do it the right way. When I met exabf and fell in love with him I believed that was the guy! I honestly thought that I would be beginning my life.
When I realised how bad things had gotten between us I started thinking that I didn't want to 'waste' any more of my years waiting for him to get better and get onto the 'same page' as where I felt I was. I was afraid that I was getting older and that my time for beginning a family was running out. I'm not menopausal or anything! But I always imagined I would have that 'family' i wanted prior to being 30!
Anyway, you all know I split with him, and now I have been a little bummed out thinking that I may have missed my chance. I wasted those years of my life and I cannot take them back. As said by Givelove, I know that I needed to come through all that to be a healthier and better me that I am today and I am greatful for that at least.
I think I need to go back to day #1 on this one and practice ''acceptance''!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I had my first daughter when I was 18yrs and had split with her dad when still pregnant. I knew I didn't want to have more children straight away, and went back to school and got my degree. I always thought that the next time I would be married and have a child with someone who was committed to a family with me. Do it the right way. When I met exabf and fell in love with him I believed that was the guy! I honestly thought that I would be beginning my life.
When I realised how bad things had gotten between us I started thinking that I didn't want to 'waste' any more of my years waiting for him to get better and get onto the 'same page' as where I felt I was. I was afraid that I was getting older and that my time for beginning a family was running out. I'm not menopausal or anything! But I always imagined I would have that 'family' i wanted prior to being 30!
Anyway, you all know I split with him, and now I have been a little bummed out thinking that I may have missed my chance. I wasted those years of my life and I cannot take them back. As said by Givelove, I know that I needed to come through all that to be a healthier and better me that I am today and I am greatful for that at least.
I think I need to go back to day #1 on this one and practice ''acceptance''!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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