ajangels2

I heard someone in my F/F meeting this past week that in order to cope with this disease and the person we love that has it we need to detach emotionally from them treating them like they were the neighbor down the street. I can see that point... I don't get in my neighbor's business and I certainly don't tell my neighbors what to do. I allow them the freedom space and dignity to run their lives like they want to. Why is it so hard for me to do this with my husband (AH).

If I allow myself to get too emotionally close to him I get hurt and disappointed because he is unable to reciprocate that love back. If I detach emotionally from him I feel a hardness in my heart. Usually I withdraw after I've been hurt and of course feel sorry for myself and lick my wounds sort of thing. Why do I keep sticking my neck out when it comes to him only to get smacked in the head? Am I still that Codie that I believe I deserve to suffer? I don't feel I deserve that treatment... I deserve to be able to be treated like I treat others, but those same rules don't appear to apply to him. Is is just by getting crushed over and over again that some of you have learned to detach? I guess I'm looking for E,S, and H. on this subject I have read things over and over on it... and I can accomplish Detaching with Love for short periods of time. It's funny the more I detach the closer he wants to be with me... when I give in and inch closer he does something that hurts me again and I retract feeling foolish for allowing myself to even go there with him. I know the program says Detaching with Love is healthy but why does it feel so dysfunctional to me? I don't have to detach emotionally like this with my family members or my children... we just grow our hearts bigger for each other, yes we can hurt each other's feelings at times but we apologize and try and resolve the issue, forgive and move on. It is not the case with AH. The hurt just keeps building and building. He does not forgive so easily and I guess I don't either anymore. This is a messed up situation.

Thanks for listening and sharing.
Peace,
aj

NEVEREnds

aj, reading your post could have been me writing that .. I went through the same emotional rollercoaster/game (as i call it) for as long as I can remember. Withdrawing from my AH after a particular incident and then slowly giving in only to be kicked up side the head once again. For me I totally detached emotionally but with tons and tons of resentment and bitterness which made it impossible to stay together. The final straw was for him to leave, which he did and altho I miss him (or the habitual chaos) I am feeling so much better about ME .. Nobody is hurting me now or taking advantage of my goodness.. My emotional wall is slowly coming down and it feels good ..

Prayers and hugs to you while you go through this and the strength to stay strong while you try to figure it out.

cmc

That would be nice except that the only person I can control is myself and I will continue to be disappointed if my happiness hinges upon expectations that may or may not come true.

Although they are similar, I have found that the idea of detachment, boundaries and enabling can feel similar as I try to work things out and make decisions about my own attitudes and behavior.

I don't care for the analogy of detaching as if it were a neighbor who lives down the street... I don't love or care for the neighbor down the street at any level that would require emotional detachment. The ones I need to detach from would be those I have close interactions with.

I can detach by letting someone else own their own behavior, but if I continue to enable or allow my boundaries to be crossed- detaching in love or in any other way becomes difficult or impossible.

What I have learned in Alanon is to not let down the barriers I set up to protect myself- unless or until there is a valid reason to trust again. This takes time and even after time and proof of change, it's not always easy for me to take the risk.

I'm not sure how I would describe what 'detaching emotionally' is, unless it means to not allow myself to be drawn into the drama and chaos. How I detach is to learn to focus on myself instead of being obsessed with anyone (or everyone) and not base who I am, how I feel and what I do in relation to them.

ajangels2

I think this is a very valid point. I often struggle in allowing AH to cross my boundaries. Well he crosses the boundaries I say something about him crossing those boundaries and how it is uncomfortable, disrespectful, whatever, but then the consequences or the actions is difficult for me to figure out what is appropriate. Just picking up and leaving right now is not an option... him leaving right now is not an option. I can withdraw my company, my time, my whatever it might be that he's crossed. He just doesn't seem to care. He hears what I'm saying... he hears those boundaries that I have but he continues to test them... he doesn't believe that there will be consequences because my hands have been tied. It's like the ultimate consequence means he or I leave the relationship. That just sucks for everyone.

cmc

The boundary is meaningless unless I am willing to enforce it. Most people will treat me anyway I allow them to. Going to Alanon is a very good way to learn how to establish effective boundaries.

I just rememberd something I learned in a class I attended when a loved one was in jail. They said that it's better to have no boundaries if one is not willing to back them up- because it's an open invitation for someone to take advantage. The recommendation was to start with something small. I love this slogan I learned in Alanon:
"Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."

laurie6781

What is happening here is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. You have the option to leave, for a while, for a trial separation. You say your hands are tied. They really are not.

Check out the Domestic Violence Shelter in St. Pete. It's a pretty darn good one. They have counseling, they have a temporary place for you to stay, they can help you find housing, they can help you with financial needs (ie getting the paperwork started for some temporary help from the state, etc)

Doing this does not mean you are leaving for good, unless you reach that point. Doing this does mean you are sticking to your boundaries. He crosses the line, this is the consequence. You will leave. This will most definitely make him uncomfortable......he will no longer have his emotional punching bag. He will no longer be able to get a reaction out of you.

You changing your actions will throw him 'off kilter.' When we change our actions or reactions to someone, they in turn will change their reactions or actions to us (sometimes not quickly, but usually happens.)

I cannot say this enough on here, Domestic Violence Shelters are not just for physically battered women. They are for women and sometimes men who are suffering ABUSE and EMOTIONAL ABUSE can be just as bad and sometimes worse than physical abuse, and many time precludes physical abuse.

Please, please, keep posting, let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!!! Keep in close touch with your F2F meetings and the friends you are making there.

Love and hugs,



p.s. leaving for a time, through the DV does not mean forever.................it just means YOU are taking care of YOU. And if there are minor children involved the shelters welcome them with OPEN ARMS.

11d

For me, I feel like I got what it means to detach with love (for me) after I read Codepent No More. Melody Beattie talks about 4 steps. 1. learn to recognize when you are reacting/getting upset. 2. Do not react and make yourself comfortable (deep breath, take a walk,....) find that inner peace. 3. Examine what happen and sort it out. THINK! talk about it and feel what you need to feel. 4. figure out what you need to do.

For me this is to distance myself from whatever is bothering me...physically, emotionally and mentally. SO that I find that inner peace so I do not react and I really think. For me I have finally set my boundaries and the consequences. I had to write them down so that I really thought about them and I can look at them when my head is spinning. My RAH knows them....And I do find that I have added some boundaries!

CMC was right when they said "The boundary is meaningless unless I am willing to enforce it.". I had to set my consequences down into stone. I find it is hard for me to back them up...... I guess the codependent really wants to stay in there and try to control the addict. I don't know...what I do know is that when I have set my boundaries and their consequences it helped me feel better about myself! I did it even with my kids. I said in another post that I stopped picking up my teenage sons clothes. If he can't bring them down then let him suffer by wearing dirty clothes.
My rules are now out in the open.....with my RAH and the kids. If they don't like it....they can leave! Or for my kids......get punished (suffer the consequences)!

Detaching, For me, does not mean to act like they live down the street. BUt I have been told that if that is what you need to do to detach then do it. It is better to detach then stay attached. To focus on myself and not him. I have really put alot of work on this because I have found serenity in detaching with love. I have found that what I need IS within ME. I can only control ME> I think detachment is different for different people. I had a hard time with this. BUt like I said reading the book really helped me.

I hope this helps....take what you want and leave the rest!

ajangels2

Thanks for all the E,S, and H.

I have the Melodie Beattie book I just haven't been able to find it lately. Will have to look this weekend. She does have a wonderful chapter on Detachment.

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse I am aware of that... and if he is truly unable to change then no it's not something I am willing to live with forever. Going to a shelter is an option for some but not for me. I own my property and I'm not about to leave it... he would have to leave before I'd ever leave it. Most of the shelters in my area are crowded and without a police report number they would not accept me and the kids unless they really had the room. My situation in their eyes is not high risk enough and they'd rather safe the spot for the women who are being beaten physically. It's just a budget issue unfortunately. For now I am where I am and I must find the strength to detach emotionally to continue on for the time being. I am expecting my third son this summer and I want the rest of my pregnancy to be enjoyable. Thanks again.

cinderellawkids

AJ, Ive learned if AH says something I find hurtful, one I remember he's hurting, 2 I remind myself not to react, and 3 I go write down everything Id say if I were to react, then I find something else to do, read with kids or whatever.
It has helped alot.
I used to get furious everytime AH would drink, but one night it hit me, he's gonna drink right now no matter what he says, and if it was anyone without a problem I wouldnt care. SO instead I wrote a list of behavior while drinking I dont like and would detach from, leave room, house , ask him to leave room, whatever....and surprising to me I am now finding happiness and peace. I occassionally have to point out behavior is approaching unacceptable level, but with no more argument about drinking we both seem to be respecting each other more.

Fortunately hes not a falling down slobbering or violent drunk,(usually only I can tell he's drinking) so its been just resulting in an evening of him playing billards alone in garage or sitting outside to play his guitar and smoke cigarettes, I go to bed at my normal time and the kids routine stays the same

laurie6781

I can understand that they may be full all the time now.

Since it is your property, the shelter may be able to give you some counseling on exactly how to get him to leave and stay gone, WHEN YOU ARE READY to take that step.

Until then, you are getting some excellent ES&H on this thread.

Stay close, keep posting and hang tight to your friends in Alanon. They do help!!!!

Love and hugs,

Abundance

Jeeeeeeeeezus Anvil..... you are like Dr. Phil, but so much better!!!!!!!

rozied

AJ, What your neighbor does, does NOT affect you. When you are married or in love with an addict what the addict does affects you directly. It is not hard to see only hard to get to the point where you are ready to let go & save yourself. After enough hurt & heartache I am sure you will reach that point.
Love is not enough, I found that out many yrs ago when I was married to a compulsive gambler.

Abundance

this helped me in my times of detaching......

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
-unknown author.

11d

AJAngels2- You have received awesome advice and support. It helps me when I read about what I need to do to live a more serene and happier life.

Anvilhead was RIGHT ON!....again. Reading those step regarding boundaries and all the detail is very helpful. BOundaries are sooo important. I have found a better place now that I have started to incorporate them into my life. I am even using them with my kids! I guess I never really thought that I needed them?!...Consequences to go with them are hard for me. BUT this why I have come to learn that others have crossed my lines. I started writing things down that really upset me starting with the biggie....drugs. THen I wrote what boundary did I need to put in place and then I wrote the consequences. It took a little while and I am still working on them, but I have a clearer picture of what I need to do...and so does he.

AJ I can understand about finances and being pregnant. Take care of yourself and your children. THere is nothing more important. Take what you need and leave the rest!