Wife in Treatment
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Satsuma Alabama
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Wife in Treatment
Hi everyone. I just wanted some feedback on a topic we discussed on family night. Should the non-alcoholic spouse still take the occasional drink? I'm primarily the type that has a couple drinks with a meal about twice a month. I mentioned in an open meeting that I would be willing to skip this little ritual for the well-being of my wife. I was surprised by the comments from both the addicts and the therapist. They state she is learning the tools to maintain sobriety and that something as "trivial" as that would not interfer. I'm confused. Doug
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Hmph, don't get me started, lol. I heard some words on the subject in the past that made sense. One woman said that her abstinence had no effect whatsoever on her DH, so that at the very least, when he was active she would drink in front of him. Move over, pass the bottle! My AH has laughed before and said that they talk about us in AA, saying that often times their drinking makes us stone sober. And I did start to associate liquor to the "other woman", so that I hated it for a long time.
I know this. My AH does NOT want to stop drinking. He says he does. He goes to AA 5-7 times a week. He is in contact with his sponsor every day. He is on Campral (when he feels like taking it) and Naltrexone. He is going through the motions, but is still very much active.
Now, in the past 15 years, if I EVER thought he was serious about quitting, I probably wouldn't drink in front of him. At least until he had some sufficient time under his belt. But that situation is not likely anytime soon.
What they say in Al-Anon is sooooo true. You can't control their drinking. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. If your AW wants to drink, she's going to drink. If seeing you drink a glass of wine is all it takes for her to jump off the wagon, then she probably wasn't very committed.
My AH is panicked right now because we're going on a cruise for 7 days and we leave this weekend. You can't buy straight vodka on the ship. You can't bring booze onto the ship. What's he going to do?? Order 18 shots of vodka in front of me and my dad??? He drinks in private. Ohh, the poor dear. Yeah, I AM going to have a few margaritas. I don't have a problem, he does.
I know this. My AH does NOT want to stop drinking. He says he does. He goes to AA 5-7 times a week. He is in contact with his sponsor every day. He is on Campral (when he feels like taking it) and Naltrexone. He is going through the motions, but is still very much active.
Now, in the past 15 years, if I EVER thought he was serious about quitting, I probably wouldn't drink in front of him. At least until he had some sufficient time under his belt. But that situation is not likely anytime soon.
What they say in Al-Anon is sooooo true. You can't control their drinking. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. If your AW wants to drink, she's going to drink. If seeing you drink a glass of wine is all it takes for her to jump off the wagon, then she probably wasn't very committed.
My AH is panicked right now because we're going on a cruise for 7 days and we leave this weekend. You can't buy straight vodka on the ship. You can't bring booze onto the ship. What's he going to do?? Order 18 shots of vodka in front of me and my dad??? He drinks in private. Ohh, the poor dear. Yeah, I AM going to have a few margaritas. I don't have a problem, he does.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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In early sobriety I absolutely avoided being around any liquor. Would not go to a restaurant where alcohol was served, just couldn't.
I was not married at the time, however, I would have extremely appreciative if my spouse had abstained in those first months.
By the time I was about a year or so sober and clean, I was able to go to a restaurant with other sober folks, and those at other tables, having a glass of wine or a drink didn't seem to bother me.
The fact that you asked shows your care and concern. Now mind you, when your wife gets home, she may say 'oh it's okay.' However, if her actions show that she is really trying to recover, it wouldn't hurt to abstain until she seems more stable in her recovery.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I was not married at the time, however, I would have extremely appreciative if my spouse had abstained in those first months.
By the time I was about a year or so sober and clean, I was able to go to a restaurant with other sober folks, and those at other tables, having a glass of wine or a drink didn't seem to bother me.
The fact that you asked shows your care and concern. Now mind you, when your wife gets home, she may say 'oh it's okay.' However, if her actions show that she is really trying to recover, it wouldn't hurt to abstain until she seems more stable in her recovery.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
When my brohter first began recovery 20+ years ago I asked him if it was ok if I had a drink in front of him figuring he was the best person to tell me whether or not it was a problem. For him it was not.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
If my drinking, or anything else that I consider to be just another option, causes someone I care about to be offended or be tempted I wouldn't drink around them. When I have asked if it's a problem I have received different replies at different times from the same person and appreciate the honesty. If in doubt around a new (or old) friend, I will ask.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Syracuse NY
Posts: 32
I've struggled with exact question since my RAW was in rehab as well. I'm more than just a drink or two person, two or three times a month I go "out with the boys". When I was checking her in to rehab the family councilor asked me if I would stay sober for 90 days with her, I didn't hesitate to say yes.
Once my wife got home, she told me she felt guilty that I wasn't going out and enjoying myself because of her. I did feel awkward but, at her request, I would go out. I've never been an home drinker, so it's not in the house, but I do still drink.
She's been sober 5 months today, and doing great. I haven't had a drink around her yet, but summer is just getting started who knows what bar-b-que's and weddings will bring. We just take one day at a time and deal with thinggs as they come up.
The short answer to your question is, do what ever you and she are comfortable with. Nobody can tell you how to work your recovery(s).
Good luck to both of you, these are tough days now but they do get better!!
Once my wife got home, she told me she felt guilty that I wasn't going out and enjoying myself because of her. I did feel awkward but, at her request, I would go out. I've never been an home drinker, so it's not in the house, but I do still drink.
She's been sober 5 months today, and doing great. I haven't had a drink around her yet, but summer is just getting started who knows what bar-b-que's and weddings will bring. We just take one day at a time and deal with thinggs as they come up.
The short answer to your question is, do what ever you and she are comfortable with. Nobody can tell you how to work your recovery(s).
Good luck to both of you, these are tough days now but they do get better!!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
The irony is aren't we are asking them to do something that we ourselves aren't willing to do? If my STBXAH was really committed to recovery, then I would not drink around them. It's just not worth it to me to do that in front of them. If I'm not an A and I can't handle not having a drink...now who has the problem? 
I have had an occasional drink over the past few months but they are few and far between. I just don't get the enjoyment out of it anymore. I certainly don't drink at home (even though STBXAH does not live here). And when I'm out, I'm worried that the ONE drink will get me a DUI or something crazy. I want to be able to go out and drink casually if I want one. I'm just not in that head-space yet.
I have had an occasional drink over the past few months but they are few and far between. I just don't get the enjoyment out of it anymore. I certainly don't drink at home (even though STBXAH does not live here). And when I'm out, I'm worried that the ONE drink will get me a DUI or something crazy. I want to be able to go out and drink casually if I want one. I'm just not in that head-space yet.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
"Only if we happen to share the addiction."
Funny how alcohol was never in my line of sight before I picked up on AH's addiction. I never felt weird about having a beer. In fact, one of my old boyfriend's turned me on to Oatmeal Stout beer and I loved it. And I loved the beer in the England pubs. I never drink when I'm by myself. I don't even think about it. And when I'm in a crowd when AH isn't around, I look at all the candy drinks on the menu like a rare treat and have one or two.
Now it's weird to have cut that all out even. And I did do exactly that for most of the years we've been together. Not a drop unless it was a special occasion and AH wasn't around. Now, I still rarely drink. But if I thought AH was serious about his recovery, I really never would in front of him. His sobriety means too much to me. Unfortunately, his sobriety is meaningless to him, so what does it matter? If I were inclined to have a beer, I'd have one. I'm just usually not inclined to do so. I'd rather have dessert!!
Do what you feel comfortable with. Like everyone else here, my AH says that I can drink in front of him and it doesn't bother him. On New Year's Eve, we went to a party and I did exactly that. And lo and behold, he never drank a drop allll night. I was quite impressed. But at 1am, he still needed to watch some tv to unwind, so I went to bed. Woke up the next morning and he had soaked the bed. He saved his vodka chugging for after the party when he would be all alone. That's the first time he's ever soaked any piece of furniture. Sooooo gross. Was it because he saw me drink? I doubt it. That was just another "trigger". His shoes being untied can be a trigger. Such a joke.
Funny how alcohol was never in my line of sight before I picked up on AH's addiction. I never felt weird about having a beer. In fact, one of my old boyfriend's turned me on to Oatmeal Stout beer and I loved it. And I loved the beer in the England pubs. I never drink when I'm by myself. I don't even think about it. And when I'm in a crowd when AH isn't around, I look at all the candy drinks on the menu like a rare treat and have one or two.
Now it's weird to have cut that all out even. And I did do exactly that for most of the years we've been together. Not a drop unless it was a special occasion and AH wasn't around. Now, I still rarely drink. But if I thought AH was serious about his recovery, I really never would in front of him. His sobriety means too much to me. Unfortunately, his sobriety is meaningless to him, so what does it matter? If I were inclined to have a beer, I'd have one. I'm just usually not inclined to do so. I'd rather have dessert!!
Do what you feel comfortable with. Like everyone else here, my AH says that I can drink in front of him and it doesn't bother him. On New Year's Eve, we went to a party and I did exactly that. And lo and behold, he never drank a drop allll night. I was quite impressed. But at 1am, he still needed to watch some tv to unwind, so I went to bed. Woke up the next morning and he had soaked the bed. He saved his vodka chugging for after the party when he would be all alone. That's the first time he's ever soaked any piece of furniture. Sooooo gross. Was it because he saw me drink? I doubt it. That was just another "trigger". His shoes being untied can be a trigger. Such a joke.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
My AH's drinking has led to me not having had a drink in several years. Not only do I resent alcochol as the third 'person' in our marriage, I see what it does to him and I just can't join in! I have to say I don't miss it...
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
i found that the anxiety I experience over this very question takes all the "relax" and enjoyment out of having even a single beer around my brothers so I just don't drink around them. It's funny it used to be such a fraught decision for me - then I was just like, well I don't care really if I have a beer or drink so I just won't!! But then, my brothers are actively drinking.
I was the same around my Dad when he first got sober. I didn't want to have alcohol-related anxiety AT ALL so I wouldn't drink around him. But after he had many years of sobriety I can remember having a glass of wine if we were out at a restaurant or at a wedding at the same table or whatever....but he was so solid in his recovery by then I never felt any anxiety - and he never cared - my God people would be pushing alcohol on him for years at family parties and he'd just say - No thanks, I gave that up, and he'd grab a coke!!
Peace,
B.
I was the same around my Dad when he first got sober. I didn't want to have alcohol-related anxiety AT ALL so I wouldn't drink around him. But after he had many years of sobriety I can remember having a glass of wine if we were out at a restaurant or at a wedding at the same table or whatever....but he was so solid in his recovery by then I never felt any anxiety - and he never cared - my God people would be pushing alcohol on him for years at family parties and he'd just say - No thanks, I gave that up, and he'd grab a coke!!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Another comparison I have come across is if someone had a food allergy, would you stop eating that food?
Interesting questions!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
A friend of mine's son was allergic to or unable to digest pretty much every food except chicken, rice, broccoli and carrots when he was younger. We still had all the other kinds of foods in the house. 
I guess my point is that an A must learn to deal with the fact that the rest of the world will indeed be drinking alcohol. Some may need their partners to abstain in front of them in the beginning at least. But after that, its the A who must adjust not the rest fo the world.
I guess my point is that an A must learn to deal with the fact that the rest of the world will indeed be drinking alcohol. Some may need their partners to abstain in front of them in the beginning at least. But after that, its the A who must adjust not the rest fo the world.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
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Originally Posted by Barbara52
I guess my point is that an A must learn to deal with the fact that the rest of the world will indeed be drinking alcohol. Some may need their partners to abstain in front of them in the beginning at least. But after that, its the A who must adjust not the rest fo the world.
Tonite with dinner I had a glass of wine with dinner and it didn't bother RAH at all.
I do think however that there isn't a right or wrong answer to this question, it's more of a case by case basis. If RAH had told me that it would be a problem if I had a drink I wouldn't touch it again, because he means more to me than booze does.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by i4getsm
I guess that depends if it's a severe allergy (and in my opinion alcoholism is on the level of a severe allergy - life threatening, right?). So to answer your question, I would stop eating that food. It wouldn't come into the house if a loved one might die from eating it. I actually know some people who do that very thing for a peanut allergy and wheat allergy. It's just not worth the risk.
Interesting questions!
Interesting questions!
So I guess if looking at a wine bottle is equivalent to breathing in nut dust, the answer is no.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
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Well....
I did not read the replies but I will share anyway...
I've been in AA recovery for 19+ years.
And have not been married during that time.
However...
when I am with a non smoking friend I don't smoke.
I consider that is good manners.
As a diabetic I appreciate those who do not order dessert
with me at the table. Good manners? Yes.
I have no drinking friends or family so that's a non issue.
...I can smell alcohol being served at restaurants
and the odor is offensive.
Glad I won't be kissing a drinker.
I did not read the replies but I will share anyway...
I've been in AA recovery for 19+ years.
And have not been married during that time.
However...
when I am with a non smoking friend I don't smoke.
I consider that is good manners.
As a diabetic I appreciate those who do not order dessert
with me at the table. Good manners? Yes.
I have no drinking friends or family so that's a non issue.
...I can smell alcohol being served at restaurants and the odor is offensive.
Glad I won't be kissing a drinker.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
For my recovering alcoholic husband to finally get to the point to realize that he was powerless over his alcoholism and that he regretted his first drink was the most amazing thing. I was so thankful to God. So when he had a conscience about it, I realized I should have a conscience on why I would ever want to drink. I wanted to be social and fit in with all the cool people. I have seen what drinking can do to someone's life. It really scares me now because it happened to someone that I really loved a lot.
I do not need to drink alcohol in order to live--I need food and water. That first drink may be something that I can control now but it may be something that I cannot control later. I felt like I had to humble myself and be on my husband's level. My way of saying thank you to my husband is setting a good example and just being the best that I can be--not someone who is trying to impress other people with fine wine--but someone with a heart who is humble.
Humility is so important in my husband's recovery, and it is important in my recovery as well.
I do not need to drink alcohol in order to live--I need food and water. That first drink may be something that I can control now but it may be something that I cannot control later. I felt like I had to humble myself and be on my husband's level. My way of saying thank you to my husband is setting a good example and just being the best that I can be--not someone who is trying to impress other people with fine wine--but someone with a heart who is humble.
Humility is so important in my husband's recovery, and it is important in my recovery as well.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have a couple of thoughts on this issue.
I do not drink around my RA son. Period. But that's my choice....not his request. I seldom drink when he isn't around either though......so......I guess it's a moot point in my case.
My son shared his thoughts on the matter a few weeks ago. He said that recovery is a very selfish process. He cannot be concerned about what other people are doing. He cannot be concerned if other people are drinking. He can't be concerned about why some people can drink "normally" and some can't. He can only focus and be concerned about himself and his own choices.
The whole concept of true recovery is exactly what he stated above. We need to focus on ourselves and our own choices and not obsess about the choices of others. We don't control their choices anyway and they don't control ours.
I do not drink around my RA son. Period. But that's my choice....not his request. I seldom drink when he isn't around either though......so......I guess it's a moot point in my case.
My son shared his thoughts on the matter a few weeks ago. He said that recovery is a very selfish process. He cannot be concerned about what other people are doing. He cannot be concerned if other people are drinking. He can't be concerned about why some people can drink "normally" and some can't. He can only focus and be concerned about himself and his own choices.
The whole concept of true recovery is exactly what he stated above. We need to focus on ourselves and our own choices and not obsess about the choices of others. We don't control their choices anyway and they don't control ours.
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