Injustice Collectors
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Injustice Collectors
I'm 41... been married to an extremely well-versed functioning alcoholic for 15 years. Before him, I never even knew an alcoholic.
So, while others in Al-Anon knew how they wound up married to an alcoholic, I made no connection. Then, someone mentioned the term "injustice collector" regarding a completely different situation not involving my AH.
I googled it and man, did a lightbulb go off. My dad wasn't a drinker but he was a philandering stallion. My mom stayed irate much of their marriage and even long after. What do I remember about my childhood? Well, she was mad. That pretty much sums it up.
Here's some characteristics of injustice collectors that I found online:
Characteristics of Injustice Collectors:
1. Injustice Collectors are convinced that they are never wrong. How is it possible that they are never wrong? It is simple: They are always right.
2. Injustice Collectors never apologize. Ever. For anything.
3. Injustice Collectors truly believe that they are morally and ethically superior to others and that others chronically do not hold themselves to the same high standards as the injustice collector does.
4. Injustice Collectors make the rules, break the rules and enforce the rules of the family. They are a combined legislator, police, and judge and jury.
5. Injustice Collectors never worry about what is wrong with themselves as their "bad list" grows. Their focus is always on the failings of others.
6. Injustice Collectors are never upset by the disparity of their rules for others with their own expectations of themselves.
7. Injustice Collectors rationalize their own behavior with great ease and comfort.
Ever known someone like this? Here's the best part. The opposite of an injustice collector is a people pleaser.
Now for the connection, or the grand finale. Here's a snippet out of Mark Sichel's book, "Healing Family Rifts": "Every time my father or my sister felt that my wife or I had done something unnecessarily mean, hurtful, or thoughtless to them, I apologized, was contrite, asked for forgiveness, and took the rap fully and without question. At the same time, I learned to absorb and accept the very same kind of slights that were perpetrated on me, putting up with behavior and treatment that neither my father nor my sister would have ever tolerated."
I believe after 15 years, indeed Al-Anon was right! There IS a reason I wound up married to an alcoholic. My mother was an injustice collector and still is. She is always right. That means other people are wrong, and for me that has equated to years of me second-guessing myself. I have never been able to make a decision about anything. I cruise through life hoping for the best. I would up married to someone who is successful career-wise, but his controlling-raging mother (her father and husband were/are alcoholics) has taken years off of my life. He has 3 daughters who his mother trained to hate me from an early age. My AH has been too consumed with his bottle to ever step up to the plate in my defense.
I am surrounded by people who feel free to criticize me from what type of church we go to, to what I spend, to how I raise my kids. So that gets back to what Mark Sichel said. I take criticism from people who would never accept the same treatment. And that lines up perfectly with me taking it from the day I was born. And taking it up to this very day, still left wondering what decision to make, when to make it, if I should make it, what will happen if I make it, who will be effected if I make it, and ultimately, not making any decision at all. Just sucking it up. What is happiness anymore? Life seems so routine.
Oh well, if you are interested in learning more about injustice collectors, just Google it.
For the record, it may sound like I'm a wallfly, but those who used to criticize me openly would say differently now. Something happened about 2-3 years ago and I just stopped taking it. Learning that everything doesn't have to be fight or flight. Boundaries can be set in a moderate tone of voice. So hard to learn, but so typical for someone with arrested development.
So, while others in Al-Anon knew how they wound up married to an alcoholic, I made no connection. Then, someone mentioned the term "injustice collector" regarding a completely different situation not involving my AH.
I googled it and man, did a lightbulb go off. My dad wasn't a drinker but he was a philandering stallion. My mom stayed irate much of their marriage and even long after. What do I remember about my childhood? Well, she was mad. That pretty much sums it up.
Here's some characteristics of injustice collectors that I found online:
Characteristics of Injustice Collectors:
1. Injustice Collectors are convinced that they are never wrong. How is it possible that they are never wrong? It is simple: They are always right.
2. Injustice Collectors never apologize. Ever. For anything.
3. Injustice Collectors truly believe that they are morally and ethically superior to others and that others chronically do not hold themselves to the same high standards as the injustice collector does.
4. Injustice Collectors make the rules, break the rules and enforce the rules of the family. They are a combined legislator, police, and judge and jury.
5. Injustice Collectors never worry about what is wrong with themselves as their "bad list" grows. Their focus is always on the failings of others.
6. Injustice Collectors are never upset by the disparity of their rules for others with their own expectations of themselves.
7. Injustice Collectors rationalize their own behavior with great ease and comfort.
Ever known someone like this? Here's the best part. The opposite of an injustice collector is a people pleaser.
Now for the connection, or the grand finale. Here's a snippet out of Mark Sichel's book, "Healing Family Rifts": "Every time my father or my sister felt that my wife or I had done something unnecessarily mean, hurtful, or thoughtless to them, I apologized, was contrite, asked for forgiveness, and took the rap fully and without question. At the same time, I learned to absorb and accept the very same kind of slights that were perpetrated on me, putting up with behavior and treatment that neither my father nor my sister would have ever tolerated."
I believe after 15 years, indeed Al-Anon was right! There IS a reason I wound up married to an alcoholic. My mother was an injustice collector and still is. She is always right. That means other people are wrong, and for me that has equated to years of me second-guessing myself. I have never been able to make a decision about anything. I cruise through life hoping for the best. I would up married to someone who is successful career-wise, but his controlling-raging mother (her father and husband were/are alcoholics) has taken years off of my life. He has 3 daughters who his mother trained to hate me from an early age. My AH has been too consumed with his bottle to ever step up to the plate in my defense.
I am surrounded by people who feel free to criticize me from what type of church we go to, to what I spend, to how I raise my kids. So that gets back to what Mark Sichel said. I take criticism from people who would never accept the same treatment. And that lines up perfectly with me taking it from the day I was born. And taking it up to this very day, still left wondering what decision to make, when to make it, if I should make it, what will happen if I make it, who will be effected if I make it, and ultimately, not making any decision at all. Just sucking it up. What is happiness anymore? Life seems so routine.
Oh well, if you are interested in learning more about injustice collectors, just Google it.
For the record, it may sound like I'm a wallfly, but those who used to criticize me openly would say differently now. Something happened about 2-3 years ago and I just stopped taking it. Learning that everything doesn't have to be fight or flight. Boundaries can be set in a moderate tone of voice. So hard to learn, but so typical for someone with arrested development.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Interesting. . . I would say my dad is a lot like that. But he was also physically, mentally and verbally abusive to me, my siblings and mom while growing up- although not an alcoholic- living with his chaos was a lot like living with one. He's still the king of the castle. I- like you- had no history of alcoholism in my family, so I wondered HOW did this happen. Things are coming together, though. I have a very good therapist who is working with me on childhood issues as well as issues with STBXAH. It makes perfect sense how I'd end up with an alcoholic. Now- the trick is how to get healthy, surround myself with healthy people and build my life the way I want to live it. I've spent 45 years dominated by two men- my dad and AH. You better believe that's going to change. Thanks for posting.
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My mother's father is Italian and very controlling. His 5 daughters lived in fear their entire childhoods. Some internalized and became very sensitive people with esteem issues and have seen therapists for years over it. My mom raged inside and took it out on us, hence passing the torch. When she and my father split, my dad got remarried to someone who had huge rage issues....... big surprise!!!
I can't believe how many years went by before I began to think their behavior wasn't the norm. I thought I was the exception because I didn't fight back. Like I must have been weak or something.
A year ago, my father and his wife were visiting. I was sitting up front with my dad who was driving, and my stepmother and stepbrother were in the back. He took a wrong turn and she screamed, "If you don't stop acting so stupid, I'm going to put my fist through the back of your f&cking skull!!!". Hmmmmmm. Silence. I was 14 again. But I raged inside for my kids. There weren't in the car, but I didn't want my kids to ever experience that same feeling of fear that I had. And here I was, 40 years old!!!
After she got home, I let her know calmly that her behavior was unacceptable and that if she couldn't restrain herself and stop the swearing that I'd have to keep our families separated.
Wow, the difference since!! Unbelievable. Well, at first she cried to her son that everybody think she's a horrible person. Self-pity I suppose. But the line worked, and I didn't have to flip out!! I used to take pride in the fight or flight thing. Thought I was truly a Taurus because I took a lot before losing my cool. Now I see it's merely a sign of trauma or the unlearned ability to deal with conflict rationally.
And since I don't deal with conflict very well, that is making it difficult to see what the heck to do about being married to a functioning, binging AH.
I can't believe how many years went by before I began to think their behavior wasn't the norm. I thought I was the exception because I didn't fight back. Like I must have been weak or something.
A year ago, my father and his wife were visiting. I was sitting up front with my dad who was driving, and my stepmother and stepbrother were in the back. He took a wrong turn and she screamed, "If you don't stop acting so stupid, I'm going to put my fist through the back of your f&cking skull!!!". Hmmmmmm. Silence. I was 14 again. But I raged inside for my kids. There weren't in the car, but I didn't want my kids to ever experience that same feeling of fear that I had. And here I was, 40 years old!!!
After she got home, I let her know calmly that her behavior was unacceptable and that if she couldn't restrain herself and stop the swearing that I'd have to keep our families separated.
Wow, the difference since!! Unbelievable. Well, at first she cried to her son that everybody think she's a horrible person. Self-pity I suppose. But the line worked, and I didn't have to flip out!! I used to take pride in the fight or flight thing. Thought I was truly a Taurus because I took a lot before losing my cool. Now I see it's merely a sign of trauma or the unlearned ability to deal with conflict rationally.
And since I don't deal with conflict very well, that is making it difficult to see what the heck to do about being married to a functioning, binging AH.
Candace
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Reno, Nevada
Posts: 108
Thanks...That describes my last relationship perfectly, all 7 points. I could not put it in words except that he would do the mind f***.
I'm copying what you wrote and saving it. I don't want to get in the same situation again..I lived in it for almost 4 years.
I'm copying what you wrote and saving it. I don't want to get in the same situation again..I lived in it for almost 4 years.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Originally Posted by respektingme 
My mother's father is Italian and very controlling.
Originally Posted by respektingme
Thought I was truly a Taurus because I took a lot before losing my cool. Now I see it's merely a sign of trauma or the unlearned ability to deal with conflict rationally.
And since I don't deal with conflict very well, that is making it difficult to see what the heck to do about being married to a functioning, binging AH.
And since I don't deal with conflict very well, that is making it difficult to see what the heck to do about being married to a functioning, binging AH.
Ahhh- that felt good!
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I'm glad you got something from it. That information is just a snippet of other information out there on the subject. If you google "injustice collector", you'll see that some books have been written on the subject. But for certain, I immediately saw a few people I know.
My brother hasn't spoken to my father in years. He probably couldn't even tell you why. He's been so caught up in making my father pay that he probably doesn't remember his original reason. My brother never looks at his own actions, only everyone else. Noone can measure up in his eyes. And we've all tried for years to baby him or walk on eggshells. Finally, most of us moved on. Tired of all the effort. Now he's talking about how important family is to him, bla bla bla. See, part of the injustice collector's mindset is that people owe them, and they are determined to make them pay. So they keep treating them like dirt, hoping that the other person will jump higher, or somehow figure out a way to make it up to them. But the person who is shunned finally gets sick of it and loses interest. That really leaves the injustice collector in a quandry.
The same is happening with my AH's middle daughter who is 24. She has no reason to hate me or my AH. We didn't raise her. All we did was shell out $$$ every time she needed something. She stopped speaking to us when my AH decided to stop paying for her college, after 2 years of F's. Now we see her at family functions and she acts out all over the place, rolling eyes, won't speak to us, etc. My AH is tired of it and stopped calling her.
Anyway, when you realize what injustice collectors are, it's a good thing. Because observation is the first step, and I certainly don't want to be one. But I could very easily. When you learn to identify them though, you can see the resentments haven't served them well in life. Don't want that for certain.
My brother hasn't spoken to my father in years. He probably couldn't even tell you why. He's been so caught up in making my father pay that he probably doesn't remember his original reason. My brother never looks at his own actions, only everyone else. Noone can measure up in his eyes. And we've all tried for years to baby him or walk on eggshells. Finally, most of us moved on. Tired of all the effort. Now he's talking about how important family is to him, bla bla bla. See, part of the injustice collector's mindset is that people owe them, and they are determined to make them pay. So they keep treating them like dirt, hoping that the other person will jump higher, or somehow figure out a way to make it up to them. But the person who is shunned finally gets sick of it and loses interest. That really leaves the injustice collector in a quandry.
The same is happening with my AH's middle daughter who is 24. She has no reason to hate me or my AH. We didn't raise her. All we did was shell out $$$ every time she needed something. She stopped speaking to us when my AH decided to stop paying for her college, after 2 years of F's. Now we see her at family functions and she acts out all over the place, rolling eyes, won't speak to us, etc. My AH is tired of it and stopped calling her.
Anyway, when you realize what injustice collectors are, it's a good thing. Because observation is the first step, and I certainly don't want to be one. But I could very easily. When you learn to identify them though, you can see the resentments haven't served them well in life. Don't want that for certain.
Last edited by respektingme; 06-05-2008 at 09:22 AM. Reason: typo
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((((Pajarito))))))
Isn't it amazing how long or childhood stays with us?? It really stinks. My AH rarely speaks to me in rage. On rare occasion he has lashed out, but it's typically because he was looking for an excuse to drink. And in the past, when that would happen, I'd recoil and go to the other room.
Something happened in the past 2 years. Now, I go in the other room and instead of stewing on my fear/anger/hurt, I go right back in there and let him have it! Man, I'm pretty good too. It doesn't solve anything, except I release all that fear/hurt/anger right there on the spot, his eyes get real big and he doesn't say another word to me. I just remove the filter that I've always put over my own mouth. Sounds kinda irresponsible to me, but then again, perhaps we've been too cautious all this time.
I know one thing. In the past, when we would argue (and we don't really argue that often), he would get the last word. He'd feel justified to drink. He'd feel that he sufficiently shut me up. Now, he never gets the last word. I blast him a new one so hard that he shuts his trap. He still drinks, but that's his deal. At least he doesn't get away with hurting me in his process to drink. If he wants to drink, go for it. Don't use me as a pawn in the process, it's not worth it.
You know what to say. Try it. I can't promise the outcome, but it worked for me.
Isn't it amazing how long or childhood stays with us?? It really stinks. My AH rarely speaks to me in rage. On rare occasion he has lashed out, but it's typically because he was looking for an excuse to drink. And in the past, when that would happen, I'd recoil and go to the other room.
Something happened in the past 2 years. Now, I go in the other room and instead of stewing on my fear/anger/hurt, I go right back in there and let him have it! Man, I'm pretty good too. It doesn't solve anything, except I release all that fear/hurt/anger right there on the spot, his eyes get real big and he doesn't say another word to me. I just remove the filter that I've always put over my own mouth. Sounds kinda irresponsible to me, but then again, perhaps we've been too cautious all this time.
I know one thing. In the past, when we would argue (and we don't really argue that often), he would get the last word. He'd feel justified to drink. He'd feel that he sufficiently shut me up. Now, he never gets the last word. I blast him a new one so hard that he shuts his trap. He still drinks, but that's his deal. At least he doesn't get away with hurting me in his process to drink. If he wants to drink, go for it. Don't use me as a pawn in the process, it's not worth it.
You know what to say. Try it. I can't promise the outcome, but it worked for me.
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I just finished reading a chapter in a book by Barbara Sher about people who "rage against the ordinary." Same characteristic, basically. She says ragers are trapped or stuck at some point in childhood when an injustice occured. (Thus, the childish behavior) It's the inner child determined to "right the old wrong." Basically, looking for someone to come and rescue us because we deserve it after "all that we have been through." I'm speaking in the first person because I see some bits of this in myself. I need to bring it out of the darkness and shine the light of awareness on it in order to stop it from holding me back in life.
Thanks for this thread.
L
Thanks for this thread.
L
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LTD,
I have bits of that too. I think I just really figured that out about myself last year (!) It would affect just about everything I did - like on some very subconscious level I was thinking, "I went through more than my share of awfulness as a child; I'll be damned if I'm going to (insert whatever here) any more." Like the world OWES me something - rescue, luck, compassion - because of the events of my earlier life.
Amazing how we're all still learning....
I have bits of that too. I think I just really figured that out about myself last year (!) It would affect just about everything I did - like on some very subconscious level I was thinking, "I went through more than my share of awfulness as a child; I'll be damned if I'm going to (insert whatever here) any more." Like the world OWES me something - rescue, luck, compassion - because of the events of my earlier life.
Amazing how we're all still learning....
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LaTeeDa,
The parts I read very much spoke of the same thing, and referred to it as "arrested development". Also, my middle stepdaughter (24) wrote on her myspace blog that she believes in God, because "after all I've been through", she knows that He has to exist. Both people pleasers and injustice collectors suffer from low self-esteem. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Would be so great if some of this stuff were required reading in high school, or college. Just think if most people in their early 20's read about some of these personality issues, they could identify them and start to work on them early on rather than get to be in their 40's and just be figuring it all out the hard way.
I could have benefited so much from counseling in my 20's, but didn't think anything was wrong with me, besides the fact that I kept attracting extremely egotistical, self-absorbed guys to date. I'd just swoon when they would give me attention. Of course, a shrink could have figured that out in one or two sessions as well.
The parts I read very much spoke of the same thing, and referred to it as "arrested development". Also, my middle stepdaughter (24) wrote on her myspace blog that she believes in God, because "after all I've been through", she knows that He has to exist. Both people pleasers and injustice collectors suffer from low self-esteem. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Would be so great if some of this stuff were required reading in high school, or college. Just think if most people in their early 20's read about some of these personality issues, they could identify them and start to work on them early on rather than get to be in their 40's and just be figuring it all out the hard way.
I could have benefited so much from counseling in my 20's, but didn't think anything was wrong with me, besides the fact that I kept attracting extremely egotistical, self-absorbed guys to date. I'd just swoon when they would give me attention. Of course, a shrink could have figured that out in one or two sessions as well.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Thanks for this interesting thread! I see my xabf as the people pleaser, and my father as the injustice collector; although he is a major rageoholic. We no longer talk after what he did to me a few years ago. I was able to walk away from him and as a child I was not.
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