Daughter of an alcoholic
SCyankee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 7
Daughter of an alcoholic
Hello. I'm not sure I'm where I need to be. Maybe someone can point me in the right direction.
My father became an alcoholic a couple of years ago. I saw it coming, but he did not respond to my warnings. Now he's drinking about a gallon of whiskey every day and a half or so. And he smokes and has emphysema. He's not even 60 years old. He's dropped about 60 pounds in the past year. It will take a miracle to keep him alive more than a few more months.
Last year, he went back to drinking after he failed to go to follow-up outpatient care after a 10-day stint in an inpatient rehab facility (for detox), so I stepped out of the picture. I told him that I would never give up on him, but that I had to stay away for self-preservation. I told him I'm just a phone call away--I'm not going anywhere--just call me if you need me. He rarely called, but I called once in a while to check in with him and remind him I'm here when he's ready to get serious. I wasn't disillusioned, thinking that my withdrawal from him would shock him into getting straight. Heck, people lose absolutely everything and everyone they love and still abuse. But I couldn't sit and watch the trainwreck, and I couldn't pretend everything was normal or OK.
Well, now he's quit his job, lost all that weight, he does not eat, he goes weeks without a shower and does not leave his apartment except to walk to buy booze and cigarettes. I now understand how people become homeless. I'm not sure, but I don't think he's capable of quitting the booze--it's beyond self-help. I think he has to go back into a facility. I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses--trust me, I'm not that nice. I'm just trying to be practical. It's one thing to walk away from someone who refuses to stop drinking. It's another to watch someone die, especially when I don't think they can make the changes alone. I've heard that, at this point, it isn't the alcoholic's choice to drink--it's something that's taken control of them and has become a habit, like breathing. I don't know, but it sure makes sense. If that's the case, then he needs help. I can't just let him sit there and die. But I also can't emotionally handle getting sucked in.
I went to an Al-anon meeting the other night, and I'll tell you, I just don't relate. What am I supposed to recover from? I'm not the drinker. I did nothing to put my father in this position, and nothing I do will get him out. The most I can do is be there to help him coordinate some resources or be a listening ear and keep him in my prayers. All night at that meeting, they talked about bad habits and letting go. My bad habits have nothng to do with my dad's behavior, and what am I supposed to let go of? Also, I don't like the stuff about being non-denominational and then they say the Lord's Prayer. I'm Christian--I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses--but I do not recite prayers. We're instructed in the Bible to pray from the heart each and every time. I don't know--that meeting was just a bunch of psycho-babble to me, and it just didn't seem to fit my needs. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I really just need some practical advice. He wants to go back into the facility he used last summer, and it can be arranged. But I worry about afterward--when he goes back to that same apartment. Breaking any addiction (or even a bad habit) involves a measure of changing your habits. When you go back to your old life, a lot has to change to help you break the cycle. Would it be better to move him elsewhere? Maybe into my household or that of my sister? He says a big part of his depression is that he is alone. I don't know. Is there some sort of alternative living arrangement that would help?
I just don't think that 12-step stuff interests me. I already have a good relationship with Jehovah God. I pray and I leave my problems in his hands (I didn't always do this). But, just as if you were praying for a new job--you can't just pray and sit there in your livingroom--you have to go out and try to find a new job. I pray for wisdom in dealing with my dad and for strength to handle whatever path my dad chooses--strength to handle watching him slowly kill himself, or strength to help him if I can. But I also want to be out there learning about the addiction and how to remain sane throughout it all.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'm not really even sure I've expressed myself well. But I'm sure someone out there can offer a little advice here or there. Thanks for listening.
My father became an alcoholic a couple of years ago. I saw it coming, but he did not respond to my warnings. Now he's drinking about a gallon of whiskey every day and a half or so. And he smokes and has emphysema. He's not even 60 years old. He's dropped about 60 pounds in the past year. It will take a miracle to keep him alive more than a few more months.
Last year, he went back to drinking after he failed to go to follow-up outpatient care after a 10-day stint in an inpatient rehab facility (for detox), so I stepped out of the picture. I told him that I would never give up on him, but that I had to stay away for self-preservation. I told him I'm just a phone call away--I'm not going anywhere--just call me if you need me. He rarely called, but I called once in a while to check in with him and remind him I'm here when he's ready to get serious. I wasn't disillusioned, thinking that my withdrawal from him would shock him into getting straight. Heck, people lose absolutely everything and everyone they love and still abuse. But I couldn't sit and watch the trainwreck, and I couldn't pretend everything was normal or OK.
Well, now he's quit his job, lost all that weight, he does not eat, he goes weeks without a shower and does not leave his apartment except to walk to buy booze and cigarettes. I now understand how people become homeless. I'm not sure, but I don't think he's capable of quitting the booze--it's beyond self-help. I think he has to go back into a facility. I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses--trust me, I'm not that nice. I'm just trying to be practical. It's one thing to walk away from someone who refuses to stop drinking. It's another to watch someone die, especially when I don't think they can make the changes alone. I've heard that, at this point, it isn't the alcoholic's choice to drink--it's something that's taken control of them and has become a habit, like breathing. I don't know, but it sure makes sense. If that's the case, then he needs help. I can't just let him sit there and die. But I also can't emotionally handle getting sucked in.
I went to an Al-anon meeting the other night, and I'll tell you, I just don't relate. What am I supposed to recover from? I'm not the drinker. I did nothing to put my father in this position, and nothing I do will get him out. The most I can do is be there to help him coordinate some resources or be a listening ear and keep him in my prayers. All night at that meeting, they talked about bad habits and letting go. My bad habits have nothng to do with my dad's behavior, and what am I supposed to let go of? Also, I don't like the stuff about being non-denominational and then they say the Lord's Prayer. I'm Christian--I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses--but I do not recite prayers. We're instructed in the Bible to pray from the heart each and every time. I don't know--that meeting was just a bunch of psycho-babble to me, and it just didn't seem to fit my needs. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way.
I really just need some practical advice. He wants to go back into the facility he used last summer, and it can be arranged. But I worry about afterward--when he goes back to that same apartment. Breaking any addiction (or even a bad habit) involves a measure of changing your habits. When you go back to your old life, a lot has to change to help you break the cycle. Would it be better to move him elsewhere? Maybe into my household or that of my sister? He says a big part of his depression is that he is alone. I don't know. Is there some sort of alternative living arrangement that would help?
I just don't think that 12-step stuff interests me. I already have a good relationship with Jehovah God. I pray and I leave my problems in his hands (I didn't always do this). But, just as if you were praying for a new job--you can't just pray and sit there in your livingroom--you have to go out and try to find a new job. I pray for wisdom in dealing with my dad and for strength to handle whatever path my dad chooses--strength to handle watching him slowly kill himself, or strength to help him if I can. But I also want to be out there learning about the addiction and how to remain sane throughout it all.
I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'm not really even sure I've expressed myself well. But I'm sure someone out there can offer a little advice here or there. Thanks for listening.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First let me say a big WELCOME to SR. You really have found a GREAT site on line.
I'm not here to debate the 'pros and cons' of Alanon or a '12 step program.'
What I hear from your post is your heartfelt desire to help your father.
You might want to check with the facility and get their recommendation for a 'long term' 90days to 6 months treatment facility, that could help him 'develop' new ways of living and handling 'stress' and other day to day events that can and do trigger the alkie (gives them the excuse) to drink. He will learn about triggers and how to be aware of them. He will learn how to LIVE sober.
I will tell you that back in June of '81 AA was the only game in town and it sure saved this Alkie. However, today there are other 'programs' like SMART and REBT which deal with cognitive behavior instead of a spiritual program. They seem to work.
However, any program, requires the commitment and lots of HARD WORK on the part of the Alcoholic! And only your father will be able to do that.
Moving him to a different home, even yours, he takes him with him.
You stated the last time he detoxed, he never 'followed up' with the suggested aftercare. If he is willing, a long term treatment might just be what he needs, if he is ready.
Wanting to go back to the facility he used before is a good first step. Hopefully for his sake and yours he will agree to further treatment after the detox.
The above is J M H O, based on my own Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) from almost 27 years of continuous sobriety and almost 24 years of Alanon (to help me with my 'codie' tendancies).
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
I'm not here to debate the 'pros and cons' of Alanon or a '12 step program.'
What I hear from your post is your heartfelt desire to help your father.
He wants to go back into the facility he used last summer, and it can be arranged. But I worry about afterward-
I will tell you that back in June of '81 AA was the only game in town and it sure saved this Alkie. However, today there are other 'programs' like SMART and REBT which deal with cognitive behavior instead of a spiritual program. They seem to work.
However, any program, requires the commitment and lots of HARD WORK on the part of the Alcoholic! And only your father will be able to do that.
Moving him to a different home, even yours, he takes him with him.
You stated the last time he detoxed, he never 'followed up' with the suggested aftercare. If he is willing, a long term treatment might just be what he needs, if he is ready.
Wanting to go back to the facility he used before is a good first step. Hopefully for his sake and yours he will agree to further treatment after the detox.
The above is J M H O, based on my own Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) from almost 27 years of continuous sobriety and almost 24 years of Alanon (to help me with my 'codie' tendancies).
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
SCyankee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 7
Thank you--venting and getting it out there like that is so therapeutic. I felt a little better just writing my not-so-little blurb back there.
Thank you, laurie6781. Yeah, we've looked into longer-term facilities, but they're tens of thousands of dollars we just don't have. I'd love nothing more than to fly him out to Cali where I found an ocean-front, 6-mo rehab program. Heck, I'd like to go--looks nice (no, I know that's not really funny). But it's a fortune. As it is, the program he went to last year will be about $6K. We'll figure out a way to make that work, I guess. The facility he used last year has a pretty intensive out-patient follow-up program. It's something like 3-hour sessions four nights a week, plus of course, he has to go to AA meetings on his own every day. Even he admitted he has to do all the follow-up this time.
I'm afraid to be hopeful, but he sounds so very different this time around. Last time, he was just like, 'ok, let's go and do thing so I can get on with life.' He was a little cocky. This time around, he's not cocky--he's a little afraid, but I think it's a healthy dose, y'know?
Anyway, thanks again.
Thank you, laurie6781. Yeah, we've looked into longer-term facilities, but they're tens of thousands of dollars we just don't have. I'd love nothing more than to fly him out to Cali where I found an ocean-front, 6-mo rehab program. Heck, I'd like to go--looks nice (no, I know that's not really funny). But it's a fortune. As it is, the program he went to last year will be about $6K. We'll figure out a way to make that work, I guess. The facility he used last year has a pretty intensive out-patient follow-up program. It's something like 3-hour sessions four nights a week, plus of course, he has to go to AA meetings on his own every day. Even he admitted he has to do all the follow-up this time.
I'm afraid to be hopeful, but he sounds so very different this time around. Last time, he was just like, 'ok, let's go and do thing so I can get on with life.' He was a little cocky. This time around, he's not cocky--he's a little afraid, but I think it's a healthy dose, y'know?
Anyway, thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi and welcome!
Well AlAnon is for people who love alcoholics and have allowed their own lives to become chaotic and unmanageable trying to "make" the alcoholic stop drinking! Most people show up at AlAnon needing help with getting their own lives back on track.
Most people coming to AlAnon for the first time need to learn what you stated here:
I did nothing to put my father in this position, and nothing I do will get him out.
Lots of people aren't as all together as you are!!!! You also wisely said you can't emotionally handle getting sucked in. AlAnon is full of people who did get emotionally sucked in by trying to help their alcoholic loved ones over and over and over to get sober and the alcoholics keep on drinking and wearing them down....so those people are tryng to find a way to suck themselves back out. It isn't easy. And AlAnon can accomodate lots of religions - because the best thing about a meeting is you just take what you can use and leave the rest - it even helped an old lapsed-Catholic-pagan like me!
My father only got sober when he started to work a recovery program for himself. Meaning - he got sober - stopped drinking, and then he worked hard on changing himself so that he wouldn't go back to drinking. He used AA. It worked for him.
So I think more important than where your father ends up after he leaves the facility is what kind of program you can have in place for him once he's out. Does the facility offer any type of aftercare counseling? Or referrals to community based recovery help? 12 step programs may rub you the wrong way but they have helped millions of other people - maybe your Dad would benefit from AA & having sponsor?
Keep sharing - in my family we had my Dad's final 20 years with him sober and that was really good. I hope your Dad finds sobriety/recovery - and I hope you remain strong and don't get sucked in to the insanity of this addiction!! I wish you all the best---
Peace,
B.
Well AlAnon is for people who love alcoholics and have allowed their own lives to become chaotic and unmanageable trying to "make" the alcoholic stop drinking! Most people show up at AlAnon needing help with getting their own lives back on track.
Most people coming to AlAnon for the first time need to learn what you stated here:
I did nothing to put my father in this position, and nothing I do will get him out.
Lots of people aren't as all together as you are!!!! You also wisely said you can't emotionally handle getting sucked in. AlAnon is full of people who did get emotionally sucked in by trying to help their alcoholic loved ones over and over and over to get sober and the alcoholics keep on drinking and wearing them down....so those people are tryng to find a way to suck themselves back out. It isn't easy. And AlAnon can accomodate lots of religions - because the best thing about a meeting is you just take what you can use and leave the rest - it even helped an old lapsed-Catholic-pagan like me!
My father only got sober when he started to work a recovery program for himself. Meaning - he got sober - stopped drinking, and then he worked hard on changing himself so that he wouldn't go back to drinking. He used AA. It worked for him.
So I think more important than where your father ends up after he leaves the facility is what kind of program you can have in place for him once he's out. Does the facility offer any type of aftercare counseling? Or referrals to community based recovery help? 12 step programs may rub you the wrong way but they have helped millions of other people - maybe your Dad would benefit from AA & having sponsor?
Keep sharing - in my family we had my Dad's final 20 years with him sober and that was really good. I hope your Dad finds sobriety/recovery - and I hope you remain strong and don't get sucked in to the insanity of this addiction!! I wish you all the best---
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
scYankee
Welcome to SR. Alanon isn't for everyone. And it sounds like you aren't typical of someone close to an A anyway. You already have a pretty healthy attitude. That's a good thing.
One of the main reasons for relapse (from what I understand) is loneliness. It's like any other emotion that someone is having difficulty managing........drink until you become numb or passout......whichever comes first.
Making sure that he has some place to go after treatment sounds like it might be very important to him. Out here we have Oxford Houses. It is housing with other recovering alcoholics for as long as necessary (usually after inpatient treatment). They pay a small rent payment but it is close community living. These houses are set up so that they can live with others who are trying to recover, to prevent loneliness, and provide daily support for recovery. The treatment facility will have information about them (but they may be called something else where you are).
Keep your healthy outlook...it sounds like you are in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And I hope that your father embraces recovery.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR. Alanon isn't for everyone. And it sounds like you aren't typical of someone close to an A anyway. You already have a pretty healthy attitude. That's a good thing.
One of the main reasons for relapse (from what I understand) is loneliness. It's like any other emotion that someone is having difficulty managing........drink until you become numb or passout......whichever comes first.
Making sure that he has some place to go after treatment sounds like it might be very important to him. Out here we have Oxford Houses. It is housing with other recovering alcoholics for as long as necessary (usually after inpatient treatment). They pay a small rent payment but it is close community living. These houses are set up so that they can live with others who are trying to recover, to prevent loneliness, and provide daily support for recovery. The treatment facility will have information about them (but they may be called something else where you are).
Keep your healthy outlook...it sounds like you are in a good place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And I hope that your father embraces recovery.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
One of the main reasons for relapse (from what I understand) is loneliness. It's like any other emotion that someone is having difficulty managing........drink until you become numb or passout......whichever comes first.
Yeah that's a good reminder Kindeyes. I know recovering addicts who keep the word HALT written on their fridge, notebook, car dash - wherever!
H- hungry
A - angry
L - lonely
T - tired
Fix these 4 before you think a drink a will fix what's ailing you!!
-B
Yeah that's a good reminder Kindeyes. I know recovering addicts who keep the word HALT written on their fridge, notebook, car dash - wherever!
H- hungry
A - angry
L - lonely
T - tired
Fix these 4 before you think a drink a will fix what's ailing you!!
-B
SCyankee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 7
Thank you for all of the advice everyone! Yes, the detox/treatment center he'll probably use has an intensive out-patient follow-up program. It's 6+ weeks where he'll go and meet 4 nights a week for 3 hours each night. They have counselors and group sessions and one-on-one sessions and stuff. I'll have to ask about alternative housing for afterward, because that might help. Thank you very very much!!!
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