I think I messed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I think I messed up
I told AH a year ago that he had a year to get sober or I was leaving. I really did intend to leave, but now I'm not so sure.
He has gone to AA 5-7 days a week for about 8 years. He only got a solid sponsor a year ago. He calls his sponsor every morning. His sponsor said AH even has him baffled because he's so good at working the program, yet he continues to "slip". Well, he was drinking once every 3 weeks or so. He was waiting until the kids went to bed (most of the time) and then guzzled his vodka till he passed out a few hours later.
And I'm not saying that my leaving isn't an eventuality. I've come a long way from wanting to kick his @ss to the curb to hoping that when I leave, things will be civil enough between us that I can take him with us to look for a house for me and the kids so he'll be a part of the process.
But in the past 6 weeks, he can't go more than 5 days or so. Maybe the pressure is making things worse? His sponsor says AH doesn't believe I'm really going to leave. I know this is true.
DH isn't abusive. He's a great dad. We have an 11yrold and an 8yrold who will be devastated by a divorce and they honestly don't ever see him drunk. We're going to have a huge adjustment in lifestyle. My AH says he wants to quit and cries his eyes out over it. He reads books on it and says he's waiting for his spiritual awakening to take his cravings away. He's on Naltrexone and Campral, and is going in on Friday for an injection of Naltrexone because the pills are too easy not to take.
His sponsor says just to kick him out and trust my higher power.
What does kick him out mean? I call a cab and he's out the door? And he goes?? So I'm not supposed to worry about that. So, I don't work and he's the primary bread winner. So, now we still have bills to pay and he's drunk and controlling the $$. So I have to get an attorney.
I just don't think I'm ready and regret giving him a timeline. I'm seeing a counselor who has told me I will know when I no longer want to live with an alcoholic. Plus I am getting a job this fall when the kids go back to school. And in the past several years, I have finished my degree to prepare myself. So it's not like I'm not doing anything, but this timeline that I'll be gone in June is really putting a lot of pressure on me. If I don't follow through, he's really not going to stop. If I follow through, I'm a single mom by August. I just don't know if I'm ready for that or if my kids are ready for that.
He's out of town right now. Flew out today. I spoke to him on the phone. He's drunk. His sponsor said it's pretty rare that people try as hard as he does, but continue to drink. He said most quit AA, or stop calling their sponsor. Why does he bother?
He has gone to AA 5-7 days a week for about 8 years. He only got a solid sponsor a year ago. He calls his sponsor every morning. His sponsor said AH even has him baffled because he's so good at working the program, yet he continues to "slip". Well, he was drinking once every 3 weeks or so. He was waiting until the kids went to bed (most of the time) and then guzzled his vodka till he passed out a few hours later.
And I'm not saying that my leaving isn't an eventuality. I've come a long way from wanting to kick his @ss to the curb to hoping that when I leave, things will be civil enough between us that I can take him with us to look for a house for me and the kids so he'll be a part of the process.
But in the past 6 weeks, he can't go more than 5 days or so. Maybe the pressure is making things worse? His sponsor says AH doesn't believe I'm really going to leave. I know this is true.
DH isn't abusive. He's a great dad. We have an 11yrold and an 8yrold who will be devastated by a divorce and they honestly don't ever see him drunk. We're going to have a huge adjustment in lifestyle. My AH says he wants to quit and cries his eyes out over it. He reads books on it and says he's waiting for his spiritual awakening to take his cravings away. He's on Naltrexone and Campral, and is going in on Friday for an injection of Naltrexone because the pills are too easy not to take.
His sponsor says just to kick him out and trust my higher power.
What does kick him out mean? I call a cab and he's out the door? And he goes?? So I'm not supposed to worry about that. So, I don't work and he's the primary bread winner. So, now we still have bills to pay and he's drunk and controlling the $$. So I have to get an attorney.
I just don't think I'm ready and regret giving him a timeline. I'm seeing a counselor who has told me I will know when I no longer want to live with an alcoholic. Plus I am getting a job this fall when the kids go back to school. And in the past several years, I have finished my degree to prepare myself. So it's not like I'm not doing anything, but this timeline that I'll be gone in June is really putting a lot of pressure on me. If I don't follow through, he's really not going to stop. If I follow through, I'm a single mom by August. I just don't know if I'm ready for that or if my kids are ready for that.
He's out of town right now. Flew out today. I spoke to him on the phone. He's drunk. His sponsor said it's pretty rare that people try as hard as he does, but continue to drink. He said most quit AA, or stop calling their sponsor. Why does he bother?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Only you know if you are ready to take an action or not. If you have changed your mind about leaving, that's fine. Tell him so. Don't expect it to have any effect on your AH's drinking though. Change your mind on this because its what you want now if that is the case. If you aren't ready to leave, you aren't ready to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
It's your boundary, you can change it. I know I moved the "line in the sand" a few times due to circumstances. If you feel more comfortable just working your program and letting things be until you are ready to do something, then do that. I personally would not say anything (nothing good ever came of me sharing my boundaries with the A).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When the pain of living with an alcoholic becomes greater than the fear of living without them, that's when you know it's time to leave the relationship.
Only you will know when or if that time comes.
gentle hugs
Only you will know when or if that time comes.
gentle hugs
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Whether it's from an Alcoholic or not - only you can decide what is acceptable behaviour from others.
As a codependent I allowed all kinds of unacceptable behaviour from just about everyone in my life. I just happened to make boundaries with XABF first.
As a codependent I allowed all kinds of unacceptable behaviour from just about everyone in my life. I just happened to make boundaries with XABF first.
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