How to handle situation

Old 06-04-2008, 01:44 PM
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How to handle situation

Hi,

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if this has been posted many times before. I will try and make this short. My husband of 9 years was not a drug user or drinker when we met and were dating. He actually had chronic fatigue but did tell me he had used "experimented" in college but again no usage during the time we met and the first almost 4 years of marriage.

Then he started feeling better from the CFS, and the pot started. He would use weekly then every couple days- we had a brief move out of state during which he would insist on driving me and our two kids 8+ hours while high. I hate to even type that... he has a very strong personality one of those "edgy" guys who does extreme sports which he can't do now really b/c of young children. He said the pot took the edge off. He would yell and argue with me about me driving instead of him. Refused to let me take the wheel.

Then I found the coke. He said a friend just gave him some... we move back to original state and he's unhappy, doesn't like the job... is using coke and pot. We have a big blow up about a year ago where I told him to leave. He says the same thing: "I can control it. I know when I'm using too much. I have a job, I bring home a big paycheck, I'm responsible why do I (me, the wife) have a problem with his using?" Is this a common argument? He says he needs this to "take the edge off". So anyway, I set the rules. I don't want it in the house. He can't be with the kids alone if he's high. He can't drive us if drinking/high. Amazing I have to convince him not to drive his wife and kids around in this state. He tells me no more coke.

SO, a week ago I found a rock of cocaine in his jacket. Granted, I know the pot is back. He's not good at covering his tracks and I found it. He dropped a razor blade on the bedroom floor I almost stepped on not the mention one of the kids could of. I know he keeps this coke with him- I've been monitoring it's "hiding" since found but he doesn't know I know about it.

I'm going to a nar-anon family support group next Tues. I don't know what to do. He is so normal and the guy I married now that he's got his drugs around him.

Can someone be a recreational user only? Can a person really control coke use and not be addicted and live like a normal person? My husband is manipulative and can argue and convince me I am the one who has the problem- why am I so uptight? Why do I care if he's drug user if he functions? I'm totally confused but know I need some support.

Many thanks for reading this.
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:50 PM
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(((Canard)))

Welcome.

IMO, it doesn't sound like recreational use only. And yes, they do all say the things your husband is saying to you. There seems to be a script that gets handed out, lol!

Read the stickies at the top of the forum and read through some of the other posts, I think you will get a lot of them, others will be along shortly.

Good for you for seeking out the Naranon meeting. In the meantime, you know what you know - don't let him convince you any different!
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Old 06-04-2008, 01:54 PM
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I bumped a thread up of mine asking the same questions. You can find it on the substance abuse forum. I'm sorry you're here - but keep reading - tons of info here that is so valuable. CW is completely right about the "script" that addicts hand out. Pretty much play by play.
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Old 06-04-2008, 02:17 PM
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great post anvilhead
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Old 06-04-2008, 02:17 PM
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I know that you must be feeling blind sided by this. The most important thing is that you take care of you and your kids. I'm not trying to scare you but his having drugs in your home is grounds to be investigated by DSS. He's making sounds like someone with a probelm - if someone gets defensive it's because they are protecting something. By the time that someone has razor blades and rocks it is pretty serious. As far as riding with him goes - how do you know when he is using or not? I'm glad that you are getting to a meeting. Read all the stickys and know that we are here for you.

hugs
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Old 06-04-2008, 02:31 PM
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Welcome to SR...

Here is the link to the thread Callie bumped for you
Just click to read.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...al-addict.html
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Old 06-04-2008, 02:59 PM
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Can someone be a recreational user? I've met one in my life. *ONE*. He could take coke or not (not crack, but coke). If he didn't have the cash, then he didn't do it. And even if he had the cash, he didn't necessarily want to do it anyway.

Speaking for myself, I personally would not date anyone - or even be associated with anyone - who did anything more than have the occasional glass of wine. Anything more than that means to me big problems.

The other issue is doing coke is a criminal act. So, if you're around someone doing it, you're gonna go down, too.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but you have come to a wonderful site with many, many supportive and knowledgeable folk.
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Old 06-04-2008, 03:11 PM
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To me it seems like he is telling you lies. I know so many people who use coke and they just all seem full of lies. If you are finding the paraphernalia around no telling what he is hiding.

I have never known a recreational coke user.

I hope you will stop worrying about what he is doing and take really good care of yourself cause it is the only thing I know of that will help.
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Old 06-04-2008, 04:22 PM
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Anvilhead hit it right on! If he gets stopped with drugs/reported they can take your kids away. It can happen just that simple. I agree with everything that others have posted. You need to focus on yourself and your kids. He is going to tell you anything to get you to believe him. Read the sticky "What Addicts Do". That is why you are questioning yourself.

Read the stickies, go to alanon, and keep posting. This site has been very helpful to me. There are people here who has gone through it all. They know exactly what you are feeling. Your fears are our fears. You are not crazy. Detach yourself from him and really think about your boundaries and their consequences. He will step very close and even cross those lines. Be true to yourself and your children.

You are in my prayers. Send a pm if you need.
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Old 06-04-2008, 04:49 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I also do not think it is recreational. I am back at this site because it is what I need right now. There will be tons of information and support for you, keep posting and listening. God Bless you and yours.
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Old 06-04-2008, 05:09 PM
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I feel tears coming on given the overwhelming support from a group of relative strangers. What a great site- you have said many things I thought about and needed to hear. And that so many of you took the time to reply- I just, well, thank you.

I'm not sure if I should confront him about the cocaine at this point or wait until I go to the meeting... but at the end of the day my kids and our own happiness and safety is what's most important. I know he'll just tell me the same things it sounds every other addict does: "why do I have a problem with this if he can handle it? If he's doing everything he should be doing?" he has also told me point blank he likes to do the drugs and he's not going to stop so I need to "deal with it".

And then I feel like it really *IS* my problem, not his. What a mess. I'm furious with him for doing this to me and the kids.
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Old 06-04-2008, 05:23 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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And then I feel like it really *IS* my problem,
No it is only your problem if you let it be... I can assure you that as soon you no longer let it be your problem it will be his...
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Old 06-04-2008, 08:24 PM
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First off, never apologize for coming here for help! (bonks you!) Always nice to meet someone new, even given the circumstances that we're all brought here (usually out of pain or suffering.)

Second, if he's hiding it, it's just one sign that it's not recreational. I think some people can use recreationally, but I feel it's playing with fire. I know people who smoke pot once a month with a group of friends. I know a few people who use E once every other month. They don't use it all the time, but I see them as being one very very very small step (a hair's width) from becoming an addict. Something bad happens in life, something stressful and it becomes a failsafe to feel better: boom, into a cycle, into an addiction. There's a reason why lab-rats choose cocaine and meth and heroin over food in the little tests. It's made to be addictive.

A question, though, is this crack cocaine? Cocaine only comes in powder form, right? I thought "rock" meant crack. Not that it's any better or worse, I'm just curious.

My husband (a recovering meth addict) used marijuana a LOT to take the edge off the meth. Meth made him twitchy, wired, tweaky. The pot brought him down to normal. I also know people who drink a lot and get tired then use coke to give them a lift. For some reason I think of Elvis when I hear about this cycle. He needed uppers during the day and downers at night to sleep. (anyway, back on topic.)

It sounds like you are definitely on the right track with setting boundaries. No matter what he says he can do or handle, he has to understand that you don't want it in the house. And he has to respect that. Period. End of story. You could say that little green men told you not to have it in the house. As your mate, he should honor your request NO MATTER the reason. In this case, having children is enough. Kids + drugs in the house = bad. No amount of justification on his part or no amount of him telling you, "I can handle it," will change that. That's a deal-breaking, 100%.

I know he'll just tell me the same things it sounds every other addict does: "why do I have a problem with this if he can handle it? If he's doing everything he should be doing?" he has also told me point blank he likes to do the drugs and he's not going to stop so I need to "deal with it".

And then I feel like it really *IS* my problem, not his. What a mess. I'm furious with him for doing this to me and the kids.
That's what an addict counts on. He needs to be able to convince himself that he's not an addict. And he needs you to believe it too. It's a problem because you say it's a problem, that's why. Because it's illegal, that's why. Because it's a danger, that's why. It's cocaine. Just because he's found a way to remove all the negativity in his OWN mind doesn't mean you have to follow suit. How would he feel if one of your children started doing it? Would he be against that? If so, why is it ok for him?

He's not doing everything he should be doing. He's not living a clean, healthy life. If he wants to know what drugs can do to a body, he can talk to my 38 year old recovering husband who had a heart attack at some point in his life due to drugs and has high blood pressure now. It's poison. He's putting it inside him.

I guess you need to decide what's ok and what's not. If he's loaded all the time and you can't trust him, you are a single parent to your children. You can't leave him alone with the kids. You can't trust him to be sober. If he won't quit, can you live with him always knowing he will be this way? That you cannot rely on him for anything but a paycheck?

If you need someone to tell you that he has a problem, then I have no issue doing that. HE HAS A PROBLEM. HE has the problem. Not you. Him. He's doing something illegal. He's doing something that brings harm into the home. He's bringing a substance into your house that your kids could find and use. You almost stepped on a razor blade. He might take it outside the house, but chances are he'll just find a better hiding spot if he learns you know of his.

And if you found his hiding spot, how long until your kids find it? The more he uses, the more careless he will become in hiding it. The addicts I know tend to get lazy in hiding their problems over time.

The bottom line is that he's risking his marriage and his kids in order to get high. How is that ok?

OH, and finally. WELCOME to the board! And HUGE HUGS! Please hang in there and do LOTS of reading here. Pull up a seat and grab a coffee or a soda or (if you're like me) some hot coco!

:ghug3
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Old 06-04-2008, 09:10 PM
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Welcome to SR!

Lots of good advice above.

If he is smoking crack, he is going to spiral down. I'm a recovering crack addict, and that demon drug totally takes over your life.

You don't have to justify why you have "a problem" with his use. What he is doing is illegal, putting the safety of you and your children at risk, AND putting your freedom at risk. If you know he's doing it, he gets in trouble with the law and your kids are around, you can be charged with child endangerment.

He may be working and paying bills now, but I assure you if he keeps it up, the money he's making is going to go toward crack. As soon as you smoke it, you want more.

In all honesty, I would be putting money aside that he has no access to. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've seen people post here that have literally smoked up a million dollars in crack. If I had saved the money I spent in a year, I could have paid cash for a house.

I hope you stick around, read the posts, and put the focus on you and the kids. He's going to do what he wants to do, and that sounds like he wants to stay high. Dope, of any kind, doesn't "take the edge off"....it puts us in denial of reality.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 06-04-2008, 09:48 PM
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Thank you for the excellent advice.

I was wondering if what I found is crack or coke because I really don't know the difference. I've never seen either of these drugs. I did a bunch google searches and it seems crack more likely comes in this rock form. But then wouldn't he be smoking it? It looks like a sugar cube.

He comes home tonight and for him the world is fine. He's playing with the kids, in this great mood (he was out having a few drinks after work- I wouldn't doubt he mixes alcohol with whatever he is using. He does with Pot.) chatting about his day. A couple weeks ago he was in a mood for 5 days straight treating me like crap the whole time- then suddenly it's fine again. He tells me it's work related stress... it just goes on. And you are right- the kids will eventually figure it out or find something then what? CPS doesn't know I'm not the user.

I'm wondering those that stayed with a user partner- what was the turning point you didn't leave? I think at least he is here physically and I can monitor him with the kids. If we were in a situation where he might have them alone for a weekend and he's using- I couldn't live with that.
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Old 06-05-2008, 12:11 AM
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The answers to our questions....in the end we end up answering to ourselves in time. When there are children involved, it ends up moving more quickly to the answers.

My husband was the addict and still is and is not my husband any longer. His drug use got worse and worse in such a short time, less than 6 months and his actions from the use got him caught up with the law, then in turn they looked at his family and with having kids they started to focus on the children.

I received a call one day from Victim Services...polite but to the point...they said your husband is sick, can olnly help himself and I had better get with it and realize this quickly or they will be turning me into Child Welfare...no if ands or buts about it....wake up! Well I woke up, they were so right. It was not easy because now I could have no contact with him. But the grace of God, he was arrested and in jail.

I then knew where he was and with what I had left in me I gave to the boys. But as time went on with him gone my mind settled and I could gather things together. He got out and the first contact and convesation with him, he saught have told me that I was a deer when really I was a moose...just a way he had to talk me over and he sure knew how to do it.

As time has pasted now, we see nothing of each other, nor does he have any contact with his son's....where is he..on the streets, no home, job or family....could I have stopped it? NO! Well for sometime, but that end outcome I am sure would have been, my boys with no home either.

We let him go....must say I have always prayed that he would get it together, but he still to this day has not. Thought the court they gave me the home, I have sold it and we are now moving...where some of the financial burden he left behind is gone.

I am sorry but while an addict is in full force, there is not ! thing we can do...nothing to stop it....


Take care...

Rose
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Old 06-05-2008, 02:44 AM
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Oh god, your husband sounds just like my (soon to be ex) brother in law. He had a great job, was making a ton of money, and was pretty much able to support his wife and son. I knew he smoked pot, and thought that he is able to keep it under control. Then came the pills, that just about took over his life, but he was still kind of keeping it together, just enough to pay the bills. Mind you, he was spending so much on drugs, that extras like a vacation were out of the question. Then it got to the point where he spent every penny on drugs, and resorted to stealing. Stealing from his employers, stealing credit cards, etc. He got caught, and got fired. Now he's on the run from the law, and no one knows where he is.

END OF STORY: He spent every penny on drugs. What was a temporary ability to use, and still kind of support a family was very short lived. Now he has no job, no money, no home, no car, and soon no wife. He is insane from drugs and calls and harrasses everyone in the family. God, they could have had such a good life, if it hadn't been for the drugs. He was spending 1,000 dollars a week, I'M like....you could have gone to the Carribean, hired a babysitter for your kids everyday, and laid on the beach for that amount of money!!!

Really, how much is he spending on drugs? Just think of all the things you could have, that your kids could have if all that money weren't going up his nose, in his veins, or wherever it is going. Do you really want to wait until the very last second to get out of this mess? How will you get a divorce when he's on the run from the law, and you have no idea what his address is? That's what my sister is looking at.

I totally agree with the posters above, open a separate account, one he has no access to, and start saving before it hits the fan!
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Old 06-05-2008, 02:52 AM
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In all honesty, I would be putting money aside that he has no access to. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've seen people post here that have literally smoked up a million dollars in crack. If I had saved the money I spent in a year, I could have paid cash for a house.
I agree with this 100%. Start squirreling stuff away. I also don't mean to sound the alarmist, but it's money wasted up his nose or smoked through a pipe. Do it for your own security and the security of your children.

I'm wondering those that stayed with a user partner- what was the turning point you didn't leave? I think at least he is here physically and I can monitor him with the kids. If we were in a situation where he might have them alone for a weekend and he's using- I couldn't live with that.
I live with my husband because he's in recovery. If he was still using, I would not be living with him. I don't want my child to be taken from me. I don't want her near it, exposed to it or around it. He was also great and happy when he was high and on something. When he was coming down? Mean, nasty, delusional, take your pick of negative adjective. He knows if he relapses, I'm gone. That doens't mean divorce or gone for good, it means I live separate from him until he cleans up and can prove it (i.e. drug tests for a while, most likely.) I won't live with an addict. I don't care how "functional" he appears on the outside.

I don't know what it is that he's taking. I don't know much about crack. I would guess that's what it is as I think coke is powder and you snort it. I don't know how he's imbibing this stuff. Probably smoking? Not sure. Him being there physically is irrevelent. You can't monitor him all the time. My husband used to do a line of meth every day before work in the car. It was only when he started smoking it in our basement and got too lazy to hide his foil and cut up straws that he was caught. Because he thinks nothing is wrong, I wouldn't leave him alone with the kids, no matter how sober, happy or on the ball he seems. And he would damn well know it. But, that is me. You have to decide for yourself.

I guess I was never too apprehensive to tell my husband what the deal was, what I would put up with and he knew I would leave. I stayed at my mom's for a week after our child was born because he was coming down off his last high. I remember my husband actually used the excuse that I knew about him using drugs before I married him. I knew he did pot and had experimented in the past, that's all. And I told him, "so what? I changed my mind. I grew a brain."

Does his family know? (i.e. parents, siblings, etc?) Friends? I'm not saying you should go around telling them, but it IS an option if he's not listening to you (and the voice of reason.) That's an ugly door to open, though, as more often than not, people can live in utter denial about their loved ones for a very long time.

If he won't listen to you talking, try writing him a letter. Spell out your boundaries and what the consequences are for breaking them. Written down, consider it a contract. If he feels he's being treated like a child, you don't have to remind him that he's acting like one (he is, and he likely knows it deep down.) Just tell him you're putting your child's safety first.

Just some ideas. Hang tough. Research. Read into the law. Protect yourself above all. Squirrel money away. I once read that you should have 3 months living expenses (rent, bills, food, other expenses etc) saved away just in general. Not a bad idea to have just in case. If you never have to use it, blessings all around, but it's there if you need it. Then you won't be held back if it comes to that and feel trapped and unable to act due to financial restraints. Again, not trying to freak you out, but with me, it was something that I could DO instead of just sitting around waiting. It made me feel productive and like I had a small amount of control over myself.

/big hugs
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Old 06-05-2008, 03:28 AM
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The coke addicts I know are usually happy and up when they are high and depressed and grumpy when they don't have any dope.

Since he has himself convinced that he is just a recreational user he probably doesn't use everyday which keeps him convinced that he is doing no harm. The grumpy times would have me convinced otherwise...
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Old 06-05-2008, 03:55 AM
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just want to welcome you to S.R. stick around. there is alot of info here & alot of people dealing with the same things. prayers,
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