Vanden

I don't mean to be so general, but how do they do it? Is there anything the spouse can do to help, or does it all have to come from the alcoholic? God help me, I want my marriage back so badly, as we have always been very much in love, but this disease is killing us. I have seen so many posts of women leaving their husbands over it. Do any couples ever survive? Please tell me your story.

tryingtofly

So far, my husband and I are surviving it. However, he is working with his sponsor and has been sober for almost 6 months so that makes it a lot easier than living with an active alcoholic.
There is absolutely nothing you can do, other than take care of yourself. There is nothing you can do or say that will make an active alcoholic get help - it's something they have to realize all on thier own.
Good luck

LaTeeDa

I am by no means an authority on this. I was one of the wives who left my husband. But, here are some conclusions I've come to after hanging around here for a while.

Sometimes the non-drinking spouse changes (finds recovery) and the drinking spouse does not. Sometimes the drinking spouse changes (finds recovery) and the non-drinking spouse does not. Either way, I've noticed that although one or the other recovering can prolong the relationship, many times it ultimately ends. Sometimes not for years, though.

Sometimes both partners find recovery. This seems to be the best-case scenario for the sake of the relationship, however, it is still not a guarantee. (In my case, I found recovery, then a few months later, my husband found sobriety. By the time all of this happened, however, too much damage had already been done to our marriage.)

So, to answer your question, yes. It does seem that some couples can survive, if both are recovering and it happens soon enough so that there is still a relationship left worth saving. The odds of that happening appear to be fairly small, though.

One thing is for sure. Recovery is much better than suffering. If you can find recovery, regardless of what your spouse does, your life will get better.

L

MsPINKAcres

Well - our story has been a little different -
We were married for over 10 yrs, and it was 10 crazy years of active addiction/alcoholism and untreated al-anonisms.
Then I had my AH committed for 3 days. He chose to enter rehab again (He had been to rehab twice before we met) I started al-anon 6 months later - we stayed separated for 15 months. Dated, got to know our new selves in recovery - moved back in together and it was a good life.
Not perfect - but good - it is nice to have a marriage that both parties focus on recovery and the marriage.
But about the 4th yr of his sobriety things started to change, slowly but surely I saw the downward spiral and the disease begin to take over his life. By July of 2007, he was in full blown relapse.

I learned that I did not have to relapse with him. As things went from horrible to worse, in March of this yr, I asked him to leave.
He made plans to move out in May. In April, he started going back to meetings. As of today, he has about 8 wks sober. I am starting to see some of the old recovery husband return - but it is still very difficult. He's no where close to that 3 yr sober husband I had.

What will happen to us or our marriage - I don't know - today I know that I can talk to him and be a part of his life as long as he is working toward recovery - Tomorrow it may be different. I'll take care of tomorrow when my God & I get there.

Praying for your God's best for you,
wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

kj3880

Thanks for asking this because I really need to talk about it. This past 3 years, I've been in a relationship with a man caught in the grip of alcoholism and opiate addiction. I went through, with his coaching and assistance, but ultimately, by my own stupid choice, a 10-month addiction to misusing pain pills after some surgeries that I had. When I realized that I couldn't stop, after trying many times on my own, I got to NA and went to an Addictionologist, and got the help I needed to stop using them. I'm now devoting much of my time and energy to my recovery, going to as many meetings as I can, making all my doc appts, using my prescribed medications exactly as prescribed, etc. I took my b/f to my addictionologist with me and he got help for his two probs-opiates and alcohol. He told the doctor he just wanted to "cut back on the drinking," and for 1 month, he went from drinking a case of beer a night down to 5 beers a night with the help of Campral, which is supposed to help with cravings. It seemed to help, but he was still very miserable and said "I might as well be dead if I can't have a few beers after work. What's there left for me to do, anyway?" So inevitably, he started skipping Campral doses, and began drinking more. He acually thought I would be happy with him "only drinking 6 beers still" but the beers were now 22 oz, not the 12 oz ones he used to use!!! He thought I wouldn't notice this development, haha. What am I, blind? Worst of all, he demanded I stop going to NA, eventually asking me to "choose between me and your cheatings" as he used to call them. He was convinced I was cheating with someone at the meetings, because I refused to answer my phone while at NA. So I chose NA and recovery over him. He walked out on Friday and I haven't seen him since, although, he calls and hangs up sometimes. I'm really happy now. I feel a little sad for him. I'm sorry he couldn't seem to get better, but I've gotta move on. Most couples I know do not make it after rehab. People just change so much. Thanks for letting me share.
kj

laurie6781

YES YES YES

You would be amazed at the number of 'couples' you will see at an AA Convention or Roundup, where one is in AA and one is in Alanon.

The best advice I have ever heard is "Work on yourself and see where the road leads." In other words stay the heck out of the other's program of recovery or lack there of.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

tryingtofly

You're so right when you say that people change so much with recovery. However I know in my case, the changes have been great for both of us. I's been a hard process, but RAH and I are getting our marriage back on track and it's now a lot better than it ever was. Because of AA, he's starting to actually listen more to what I'm saying rather than just dismissing everything I say if it's not the same as his ideas. I've stopped being angry with him over every little thing and I've been rediscovering my life cause I don't have to "babysit" him anymore.

However, had he not found recovery, I don't think we would have made it.

Vanden

A little more specific---my A husband and I have not been living together for 8 months, primarily because of the alcoholism. He has had on and off sobriety, currently off, and I have taken our baby and moved to another state, but I miss and love him terribly. He feels the same, says he's just drinking now because he's so depressed that we are gone. I really don't know what his level of commitment is to recovery, to be honest, but I know we would have a real chance to be happy were it not for the alcohol, which has gotten in the way of everything. I want to do something to help, but know it has to come from him. I've tried begging, tough love, even leaving like I did, but inevitably couldn't stay away, and I don't want to even now. I just need some hope or some way that we both could recover. I don't know what my next action should be.

penneypoo

Yes, I think so. I actually think we've survived it, but I don't know how or why. My AH just cut back considerably, by himself, and now we get along so much better. It was time, he's 43, and I think he realized his children were more important than the booze. I've actually changed too, I no longer try to predict his behavior, or change the inevitable, count beers, none of that. I was ready to leave. Only you know what's best, but it is possible. Good luck

queenteree

IMO, yes, couples can get past this disease. My AH was active when we were first together, then I left him (before we were married) and he went to detox and rehab and got sober. I didn't get right back with him, we lived apart for over a year (I also had a no-contact rule in the beginning) and dated and got to know each other. In the beginning, he wanted us to get right back, but I set him straight. He never relapased because of it, and was very into his recovery. He remained sober for over 14 years w/no relapses, etc. We married, bought a house, were best friends and lovers, so much in love. Unfortunately, he relapsed and it's been 6 long years now with no end in sight unless I leave, and leave for good. If you're going to be involved in a relationship with an A, remember, it is a life-long disease, it doesn't go away, it can only be arrested (in remission) and unless the A keeps on top of it and commits to a life of recovery, it can come back at any time, and come back with a vengence. Trust me. I wish you luck.

laurie6781

BULL!!!!!

His ACTIONS should be the only thing that might even give a hint of whether you should move back. That is MANIPULATION on his part.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Barbara52

If he's drinking, his level of committment is pretty low don't you think?

I would concentrate on yourself and your child. You can work toward your own recovery and creating a better life for yourself and your child regardless of what your AH does or does not do.