Angelus

I'm at a rough patch right now, and my sleep is now officially disturbed. I'm waking up 4 hours early every day and getting little sleep after.

Today was the day I was supposed to see a concert with the AF I stopped speaking too, and I am finding it hard to be at peace with it all. I have been doing Yoga regularly, maybe even obsessively.

I'm having a hard time answering the phone because I am so protective of my time and afraid of saying yes to something i don't want to do.

I committed to being in a play a long time ago, and now I see that it would take up a lot of my time, involve several As I'm trying to stay away from, and I no longer have the passion for it. But I'm having a hard time backing out.

Quite a mess

Barbara52

Lack of sleep messes with your mind big time. As a long time victim of insomnia, I strongly recommend getting a prescription for a sleeping pill. They work wonders for me. And then I can think clearly.

As for the play, you have the right to change your mind you know.

hbb

I agree with Barb, when i was right in the thick of things, my dr. gave me a very light sleeping pill so i could have descent sleep for work. It really helped me alot.

And i agree, you don't need to do the play if you are not feeling upto it. I learned that when i started doing what I wanted instead of what I thought i should be doing, things were much better in my life. Granted people may not have liked the change in me but too bad

Bernadette

Good Morning Angelus!!
Well, you have been awake for a long time already!!

Have you read "CoDependent No More" yet?
You seem to exhibiting some of the classic aggravating symptoms! Lots of anxiety around this concert event that now has been 86'd, anxiety about disappointing people by backing out of the play, isolating/avoidance by not answering the phone....

Do you think if you made the call right now and apologized but said you weren't going to be able to commit to doing the play that it might alleviate some of your anxiety? Remember "I am unable to commit to doing it right now" is all you need to say. No excuses, no alibis, no lies, or over apologizing....

I used to work with this film director a long time ago as a writer and many people made demands on her. She would often agonize in the office about turning this or that down, but when she got on the phone she'd just say - "I'm sorry I'm going to have to pass on "X" project. I hope we can work on something together in the future." End of story, cross it off the list. If they really pressed her she just said she had too many other commitments. Period. I always admired her ability to say "No, thank you." and little else!!

I don't know if that helps--- but ditto B-52: your brain needs sleep!
Peace,
B.

Angelus

See that's the part that's new to me, that I can change my mind! As an ACOA and people pleaser I never understood that. Now that I'm in recovery I find myself saying no when I mean no, when before it was ALWAYS yes!

i4getsm

I second the sleeping pills just until you can get away from some of these stressors and get back to falling asleep on your own. (Or one Benedryl does the trick for me too.) It's hard to be in a good head space when you don't have enough sleep.

Angelus

Hi Bernadette...I'm reading Codependent No More right now! And things are happening to me that surprise me

The thing with the play is weird because I used to love being on stage but oddly, not so much these days...it seems like a lot of work for a little satisfaction, and I'd be surrounded by As. I'm a musician and a Yoga student and I'd rather concentrate on those things.


I took a sleeping pill years ago and it did help, will look into that again

SailorKaren

The way you put this makes me wonder if you're thinking along the lines of a stress disorder of some kind. I found myself investigating signs and symptoms of stress disorders and eventually concluded PTSD explained them all. It was both sad and helpful for me to realize it. I had something tangible to work with, and it has helped me form rational strategies to help feel feel safe (my breakup was traumatic and I'm still coping with fear). Your loss of passion may be another sign of stress. Finding ways to cope with stress can bring the passion back. All the little things I used to do, to dream about the future and plan for cool things, suddenly felt dead. I could feel even the will to live slipping away.

I encourage you not to ignore signs of excessive stress. It is OK to step back, change your mind, and make peacefulness a priority in your life. Your mental health is at stake. Our bodies will eventually shut down and force us to deal with stress, and at that point it may not be a pleasant experience. Being a people pleaser is a great gift; pleasing yourself first is the only way it can work over the long run.
Karen

Angelus

I think you're on to it SailorKaren

I'm just about able to do my job, and rehearse my band and do my yoga practice...I have little drive or energy for anything else. I start the day nauseus and end with a tight chest. Can't be good. I feel like I don't know who I am.

The trauma may be back to back relationships that turned horribly ugly and then vanished.

SCyankee

I'm new to this whole scene, but have been experiencing similar problems. I thought I'd share my experience and what I've been doing that seems to be helping so far.

A little background: My mom died suddenly 2-1/2 years ago (she'd suffered from chronic pain most of her life, but was only 55 and otherwise healthy). At that same time, my father collapsed totally into alcoholism (he was already on his way before mom died) and then was diagnosed with emphysema one month later. He still smokes and drinks. A month after that, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage-four cancer. She battled that with chemo for two years and unfortunately died this past February. In the meantime, my father-in-law had 6 heart attacks last summer. My father-in-law still lives with us and is doing great for 81 years old! He's great. I love him.

So I guess I have good reasons for not sleeping and for having panic attacks. I also dread making decisions, and when I do make a decision, I stress out for days, certain I've made the wrong decision. So I just don't do stuff if I can avoid it. I like this creed: I'll procrastinate tomorrow. :-)

Anyway, I really thought I was going crazy. I decided to try to contain my fears and such by writing them down, and then I chose two close friends with whom to share this information with. It helps that they know I'm struggling. They can't fix anything, but they're there for me to talk to, and they just help me out. So then I recognized that I needed to clear my plate to clear my head. I canceled a bunch of unnecessary stuff. And I just told people I'm really stressed out handling some heavy family crap right now, and that I need to take some time off. People are cool with that. That lifted a large weight off my shoulders.

Then I made a short list of the three most important things in my life. It will be different for everyone, but this is my list: My relationship with God, my husband and my physical health. I have had a decent relationship with God, but I stepped it up. I really took to heart the scripture that says to throw your burden on Jehovah. It's not a game of catch. Toss it to God, and do not try to take it back. Say a prayer. Ask for wisdom if you don't know what to ask for otherwise. Then leave it alone--occupy your mind with something else for a while. Then, with hubby's help, he and I are making sure to carve out time for eachother on a regular basis. We're very close, and he's everything to me. My fears and problems have been consuming me lately though, and I will not let that effect my relationship with my husband. Finally, I'm fat and fluffy, so I joined the local gym and am working out three times a week, no matter what.

That all happened about two weeks ago. I have had very few and only minor panic attacks since then. Instead of putting off necessary decisions, I tackle them immediately--that way, I have less time to stress out about it. The sleep is still bad, but that's what trazadone is for. I sleep if I take that. Previously, Tylenol PM and Benadryl worked well for me. Even if you take something for only a couple of weeks, it can help to reset your sleep clock and let you get back on track yourself. If you don't sleep, you can't get better. Do what you have to do to sleep. Green tea, acupuncture--whatever.

As for the days when the fears try to consume me, I keep a pen and paper handy and try to write down what I'm afraid of first. Then, I figure out what's the worst that can happen with that situation. Then I write down what, if anything, I can do to effect the situation. If I can do nothing about it. I crumple up the paper and throw it away. If there is something I can do, I write it down and decide to work on it tomorrow. Usually, by the next day, when I look at that paper, I realize the fear was bigger than reality, and I toss that too.

As you can see, writing things down--organizing my thoughts or fears on paper--and seeing them like that helps me a lot.

Anyway, I hope this helps.

Angelus

The fear is always worse than reality, absolutely...I like your ideas, when I'm more rational I do a lot of that...have to find my way back there