Need advice please?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Need advice please?
I just spent 10 wonderful days with mydaughter 3000 miles away. Returned yesterday. As you know I have detached from my son just over a moth ago it has been difficult but much needed. It turns out while I was away my husband allowed my son to come in to my house and have a BBQ, not only that he had him at our work place all week. Unbelievable!!!! My husband got a DUI last year so he has no licence for a year. It was enough to wake him up and he stopped drinking. We own our own business so daily we go in to work together. Before I left he had a ride in place all week except Friday ( wich he could have arranged a ride with some one else. It turn out he was drinking with AS I know I cant control it but spouse makes me sick. When I confronted him he is always so full of excuses he said " well you went away and I needed a ride from my son" Such a lie. I guess he thinks AS is a yo yo and he can use him at his convienance. Heres the bomb last my one of spouses friends called me out for coffee turns out while I was away spouse had a one nite stand not only that she was in my home. A while ago I posted and said my son said" you dont know dad, and you deserve better" At that time the thought went through my mind but I brushed it off as AS was just causing trouble.
My friend told me he has done it twice and AS knows and is very angry with his dad and feels overloaded holding this in.
I am in shock maried 25 years, I am 45 never did I think he would do this. He has no idea I know no has my son told me, but spouse has been very quiet. I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I am devestated I havent confronted him because this source swore me to secrecy. He said he only told me because " I was a good person and I need to move on with my life. I could spit in his face. I cant even look at him right now and then last nite he tries to get frisky. He is a lying, manipulating cheat with no concience. Our business is in horrible mess right now so I cant sell it. How am I supposed to pretend all is fine? I know what I need to do and that is to start setting up other arrangements for myself. How could he involve my son. Everyone in the community thinks were this nice normal family. You think you know someone and there your bestfriend how do I deal with this?
My friend told me he has done it twice and AS knows and is very angry with his dad and feels overloaded holding this in.
I am in shock maried 25 years, I am 45 never did I think he would do this. He has no idea I know no has my son told me, but spouse has been very quiet. I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I am devestated I havent confronted him because this source swore me to secrecy. He said he only told me because " I was a good person and I need to move on with my life. I could spit in his face. I cant even look at him right now and then last nite he tries to get frisky. He is a lying, manipulating cheat with no concience. Our business is in horrible mess right now so I cant sell it. How am I supposed to pretend all is fine? I know what I need to do and that is to start setting up other arrangements for myself. How could he involve my son. Everyone in the community thinks were this nice normal family. You think you know someone and there your bestfriend how do I deal with this?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
First, don't react. Do something to calm yourself down then think about what you just wrote. Detach yourself and think. You wrote that you know what you need to do..."find other arrangements...". Sounds like you you do know what you want. What is holding you back? What are your boundaries? What are the consequences of breaking those boundaries? If he crossed your boundary, he must face the consequence. You must stand strong. You can do it!
I hear what you say about your son. But if he knows things about his dad, no matter what age he is, he is trying to deal with it. Maybe in the wrong way... but is that what he was shown by his father? He has already said in the past that you were deserving of better and that you really don't know him?!
You are in my prayers....
I hear what you say about your son. But if he knows things about his dad, no matter what age he is, he is trying to deal with it. Maybe in the wrong way... but is that what he was shown by his father? He has already said in the past that you were deserving of better and that you really don't know him?!
You are in my prayers....
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Katie...
You sound like a strong woman. Ohhhh, I know you're not feeling strong right now, but I can hear it in your post. No advice...just hugs from someone who has been there, done that.
Have yourself a good cry....then start planning what you're going to do....and that means staying or going!!! No one can tell you what to do....
Big hugs!!!!!!!!
You sound like a strong woman. Ohhhh, I know you're not feeling strong right now, but I can hear it in your post. No advice...just hugs from someone who has been there, done that.
Have yourself a good cry....then start planning what you're going to do....and that means staying or going!!! No one can tell you what to do....
Big hugs!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
katie,
I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers and personal message me anytime if you need an ear. I honestly don't know what I'd do but I guess I'd cool off first and perhaps go somewhere and just think and have a little time for myself. It's a lot to take in at one time and you have a lot of extenuating circumstances too to deal with. Maybe a counselor that is uninvolved might help you see things more clearly. Just a thought.....I will say prayers for you and I hope things get better..hugs, dixied
I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers and personal message me anytime if you need an ear. I honestly don't know what I'd do but I guess I'd cool off first and perhaps go somewhere and just think and have a little time for myself. It's a lot to take in at one time and you have a lot of extenuating circumstances too to deal with. Maybe a counselor that is uninvolved might help you see things more clearly. Just a thought.....I will say prayers for you and I hope things get better..hugs, dixied
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Katie,
I know this may sound simple, but sometimes we need to focus on the simple things to regain our sanity, serenity and focus.
How about a deep, long breath? Breathe In, close your eyes, ask the voices in your head to be silent, breathe out. Again Breathe in - keep doing this for a few minutes until you feel your mind and your heart not racing so badly.
Reach deep within you for that contact with your inner spiritual peace, for your HP's calm serenity.
Then ask for guidance and what is the Next Right Thing for you.
This is what I try to focus on and do when I discover things in my life that surprise me. I also trust that none of these things surprise my HP. I do not believe that my God plans for these things to happen, but what does give me comfort is that my God is not say "Shoot, I didn't see that coming". He knows and is ready to guide me thru it, with loving comfort, strength and courage that I will need to face these challenges.
Prayers and thoughts of peace and comfort sent out for you,
Rita
I know this may sound simple, but sometimes we need to focus on the simple things to regain our sanity, serenity and focus.
How about a deep, long breath? Breathe In, close your eyes, ask the voices in your head to be silent, breathe out. Again Breathe in - keep doing this for a few minutes until you feel your mind and your heart not racing so badly.
Reach deep within you for that contact with your inner spiritual peace, for your HP's calm serenity.
Then ask for guidance and what is the Next Right Thing for you.
This is what I try to focus on and do when I discover things in my life that surprise me. I also trust that none of these things surprise my HP. I do not believe that my God plans for these things to happen, but what does give me comfort is that my God is not say "Shoot, I didn't see that coming". He knows and is ready to guide me thru it, with loving comfort, strength and courage that I will need to face these challenges.
Prayers and thoughts of peace and comfort sent out for you,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Thankyou so much for your support, what saddens me is spouse is the one that I truly thought I could trust. Even after all the ups and downs over the years. I suppose I have been such a fool. This is someone I dont even know, or thought I knew. Someone who proffesses to be oh so perfect and criticizes other peoples marriages when infidelity happens. Maybe this has happened for a reason to give me a wake up call, maybe I am supposed to be elsewhere all I know is that I will never forgive infidelity and deceit. He had the odasity to ask me to make him dinner last nite. What am I so piece of crap that does the laundry helps run the business and a taxi service. I feel like the biggest fool that ever walked the face of the earth. I am so sorry to vent like this I just feel like if I dont I will fall to pieces. He is a con, liar dispicable human being. Oh I am such a fool!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
VENT! VENT! That is what we are hear for! Say it and get it out. There is nothing you can say that some of us have not gone through or is dealing with. They are great manipulators! Nothing suprises me anymore after everything my RAH has said and done. You are not a fool. I am not a fool. You are angry because of him. DOn't let your inner peace be disturbed. DETACH. Do something, journal, take a deep breath and find your inner peace and ask your higher power for help to get there. THEN think. Think of your boundaries and the consequences. ONLY you know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Katie))) - sweetie, you aren't a fool. I'm sorry you are going through all this, but you really are a strong woman.
Stay close to the people who are supportive of you, and focus on what you need and want. If he wants dinner...I'm sure he can fix it himself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Stay close to the people who are supportive of you, and focus on what you need and want. If he wants dinner...I'm sure he can fix it himself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
If this happened to me I would start putting money aside, If I could I would get the business out of my name, then start selling crap from the house and put that money away. After I got what I needed I'd high tail it outta there, with no explanation.
of course it's easy for me to say but that is my humble opinion.
You need to take care of you, do what you have to to make sure you are ok.
good luck
of course it's easy for me to say but that is my humble opinion.
You need to take care of you, do what you have to to make sure you are ok.
good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: South Africa, Pretoria
Posts: 126
((Katie))
You need to think about yourself here right now - it's not going to be easy, but really detach yourself from AS & husband - concentrate on your business so that you can either make it bigger or sell it later. The last thing you need is business trouble over personal issues.
I can only imagine that it must be incredibly painful to you, but you really need to concentrate on yourself and your business. It happens time after time - the sane person gets hurt most. They lose basically everything because we forget to zone in on the real important things.
I hope all the best for you in this!!!! :praying
You need to think about yourself here right now - it's not going to be easy, but really detach yourself from AS & husband - concentrate on your business so that you can either make it bigger or sell it later. The last thing you need is business trouble over personal issues.
I can only imagine that it must be incredibly painful to you, but you really need to concentrate on yourself and your business. It happens time after time - the sane person gets hurt most. They lose basically everything because we forget to zone in on the real important things.
I hope all the best for you in this!!!! :praying
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
I may be crazy, but this is my opinion.
You are all in an uproar, and you don't actually have any proof your husband was unfaithful, other than someone saying so...Perhaps though in your heart, you know.
Sorry to out the people who told you, but if I were you, and I wanted the facts, hopefully, the truth, I would have to open up a conversation with my husband and tell him what I know. Not necessarily who said it, but what I know, and see what he comes up with.
Unless, you don't want to save the marriage.
Maybe you've come to your bottom, and want to move on?
Just my thoughts.
When in doubt...wait.
Hugs,
You are all in an uproar, and you don't actually have any proof your husband was unfaithful, other than someone saying so...Perhaps though in your heart, you know.
Sorry to out the people who told you, but if I were you, and I wanted the facts, hopefully, the truth, I would have to open up a conversation with my husband and tell him what I know. Not necessarily who said it, but what I know, and see what he comes up with.
Unless, you don't want to save the marriage.
Maybe you've come to your bottom, and want to move on?
Just my thoughts.
When in doubt...wait.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you are feeling today. I hope you don’t turn this inward and blame yourself. YOU are NOT a fool!!!!! You trusted the man you have loved and been committed to for the last 25 years, that’s natural, that’s what marriage is about. You did nothing wrong, keep reminding yourself of that.
I know you are in shock, that shock will remain with you for a while. You are pretending that nothing is wrong, that is not going to last very long. He’s the dynamite and you are the fuse it’s only a matter of time before your hurt and pain explodes in his direction. I can only suggest you prepare yourself for your own immediate future.
Do you have family or a friend where you can go to live temporary? Physically getting away from him might be your best option right now. If you both run the business, let him run it by himself.
You can’t make rational decisions while emotions are running so high. He’s going to deny it big time, then he’s going to turn it and twist it in your direction or the direction of the other person and or who he thinks told you.
I would suggest packing up and staying some where else if possible, at least for now and give yourself some time for this to really sink in and think.
I know you are in shock, that shock will remain with you for a while. You are pretending that nothing is wrong, that is not going to last very long. He’s the dynamite and you are the fuse it’s only a matter of time before your hurt and pain explodes in his direction. I can only suggest you prepare yourself for your own immediate future.
Do you have family or a friend where you can go to live temporary? Physically getting away from him might be your best option right now. If you both run the business, let him run it by himself.
You can’t make rational decisions while emotions are running so high. He’s going to deny it big time, then he’s going to turn it and twist it in your direction or the direction of the other person and or who he thinks told you.
I would suggest packing up and staying some where else if possible, at least for now and give yourself some time for this to really sink in and think.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
No its true, we had a house guest the week I was gone and he told me spouse didnt come home last Saturday. When questioning him today he said " my spouse slept at some womens house and he picked him up there in the morning" this is a long time friend after some prompting he said my husband said to him " please dont tell kate she is under alot off stress because of AS and the business, if he did tell me I could potentially commit suicide" Whatever the idiot.! I know he did this my friend gave me the womens address and said go see her. Thats two people that have told me this, and the one very close friend told me he proceeded after a few drinks to tell him "what a great lay she was' I know Im making a big deal of this and there are much more serious matters. I am just so fed up with everything. Like I said I feel as I have been made a fool of.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I am really sorry that this is happening to you but you really do sound strong and like you are staying in control. The more you can get your ducks in a row before you confront him the better. It's important to know where you stand on things and to know what your bottom lines are....do you want to stay in your marriage or is it time to end it? The only right answer is the one that is right for you - no one else. Until you know then it might be wise to wait - if you can do it. 45 is young so please don't feel like you are over the hill. You are an awesome woman that has hung in there and tried to make things work. That same strength will help you to know what to do next. You haven't been made a fool of - the only fool here is your spouse. I can guarantee you that anyone that knows both of you is going to believe that. Some people just can't handle being happy and living serenely - your spouse sounds like he is just into chaos and drama. You sound pretty sure of your sources so figuring out what you are going to do before you ask him about it is important. If he denies it what will you do? If he admits it what will you do? Will his answers change anything for you? Those are important questions to ask.
Trust you gut - you've got a good head on your shoulders and you deserve someone that treats you with the same love and respect that you treat them. I'll repeat - you have not been made a fool of.....he's making a big fool of himself.
Trust you gut - you've got a good head on your shoulders and you deserve someone that treats you with the same love and respect that you treat them. I'll repeat - you have not been made a fool of.....he's making a big fool of himself.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Sorry if it sounded like I was doubting you Katie, but it sounds like you have the proof.
And NO...I DON'T think you're making a big deal out of this at all. You have every right to be angry, and fed up.
Hugs, and prayers to you...
And NO...I DON'T think you're making a big deal out of this at all. You have every right to be angry, and fed up.
Hugs, and prayers to you...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by katie44 
I know Im making a big deal of this and there are much more serious matters.
sounds to me like enough people are aware that if you are ready to confront your husband you certainly can do so without worrying about disclosing the "source"
It doesn't sound like your husband was worrying about being discreet (instead he was bragging)
not wishing to add more to an already full plate but a spouse's infidelity puts the partner at risk for potential diseases and if you already have one or two confirmed events there is surely a chance of others....
take care of yourself
no one can tell you to stay or go forgive or not
it is your decision to make ...do so with courage
speaking for myself...
I do not know if i could stay BUT if I did I wouldn't do it in the shadows...
spouse would know what I heard, medical tests would happen before there was any chance of physical contact (and he'd be getting my dinner!)
(((comforting hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Katie,
I'm sorry you are facing so much challenge, especially after enjoying a wonderful time with your daughter. I am concerned about your husband starting up drinking again as well. You know from this site how quickly the drinking can progress in alcoholism, and if he was a huge drinker before he quit one year ago, then it could be weeks or even days before he gets to that point once again. I'd give myself tonight to grieve, but given all the facts of the beginning of this spiral, I'd say you are on your own right now as far as support when it comes to dealing with your son, you are facing what is becoming another huge challenge with your husband, and it's time to do what's best for KATIE and maybe Katie's daughter. Get your focus on you, sweetie. What do YOU want? You may not know this tonight, but tomorrow start listening to your gut and what you know are good decisions for YOU. Hugs and prayers, sister.
I'm sorry you are facing so much challenge, especially after enjoying a wonderful time with your daughter. I am concerned about your husband starting up drinking again as well. You know from this site how quickly the drinking can progress in alcoholism, and if he was a huge drinker before he quit one year ago, then it could be weeks or even days before he gets to that point once again. I'd give myself tonight to grieve, but given all the facts of the beginning of this spiral, I'd say you are on your own right now as far as support when it comes to dealing with your son, you are facing what is becoming another huge challenge with your husband, and it's time to do what's best for KATIE and maybe Katie's daughter. Get your focus on you, sweetie. What do YOU want? You may not know this tonight, but tomorrow start listening to your gut and what you know are good decisions for YOU. Hugs and prayers, sister.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Well I confronted the women he was with (yuck). At first she denied it then when I threatened to go to her spouse she told me. She says she really doesnt remember it they were both drunk it meant nothing. I dont think she is all there! I thanked her and proceeded to go tell her husband anyhow. He didnt say much! I hear they are swingers. I confronted my spouse of course total denial. His story is the superintendent of the complex had the hots for him and so did the daughter, so they set me up whatever. The super and daughter told me they were all in my sins apartment drinking. That women was there and my husband became really perverted with her and she took her top off. t that point my son left he was really upset. A while later my son the super and the daughter went back down to his apartment and opened the door. You can imagine what they saw they left quickly the super told me my son was crying. They then told me my spouse said to my son how could you have let me do that with that pig if you tell your mom you will split up our marriage.
Im sorry I just have to talk about this. What kind of a man is he I thought he was a decent loving individual. Now he is not talking to me he says Im nuts, these people from this horrible complex set him up. The girl he was supposedly with would say anything because she is a drunk and sleeps with anyone. I am sickened to death over this. What angers me is denial I know he has told my son to lie. Today I hooked up a machine that tapes phone calls in our home. Every call he makes will be recorded. For some reason I have to catch him telling my son to lie for him. I know it will do no good and this is off the wall behaviour, but the man I loved is a cheating liar. His family thinks he is oh so great! I will then play the tape for him and ask him how dare he belittle me and tell me Im nuts! I am making plans to leave he just doesnt know it. I need to get everyhting in order. He knows our son is an addict what kind of a man would drink with his son and tell him to lie and threaten him if he does tell he will never speak to him again. OMG I sound like a lunatic.
Im sorry I just have to talk about this. What kind of a man is he I thought he was a decent loving individual. Now he is not talking to me he says Im nuts, these people from this horrible complex set him up. The girl he was supposedly with would say anything because she is a drunk and sleeps with anyone. I am sickened to death over this. What angers me is denial I know he has told my son to lie. Today I hooked up a machine that tapes phone calls in our home. Every call he makes will be recorded. For some reason I have to catch him telling my son to lie for him. I know it will do no good and this is off the wall behaviour, but the man I loved is a cheating liar. His family thinks he is oh so great! I will then play the tape for him and ask him how dare he belittle me and tell me Im nuts! I am making plans to leave he just doesnt know it. I need to get everyhting in order. He knows our son is an addict what kind of a man would drink with his son and tell him to lie and threaten him if he does tell he will never speak to him again. OMG I sound like a lunatic.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
You're NOT A NUT.
Plain and simply, and easy to say...(sorry a bit of humor there)
He HAS to say YOU'RE the NUT, cause if it's not YOU, then it all points back to him, and his drinking, and unforgiveable behavior. It's his way of saving grace ...blaming it on you, saying you're the nut.
Hugs sweetie...
Plain and simply, and easy to say...(sorry a bit of humor there)
He HAS to say YOU'RE the NUT, cause if it's not YOU, then it all points back to him, and his drinking, and unforgiveable behavior. It's his way of saving grace ...blaming it on you, saying you're the nut.
Hugs sweetie...
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