bookwyrm

My AH has been seeing an addictions counsellor once a week for the past couple of months and I'm very worried about what he tells me about their sessions. I've been given the opportunity to call the centre and discuss their methodology but don't know if doing so is just feeding my codie behaviour! What worries me about the sessions?
Well, he goes straight to the pub after them - and his counsellor knows!!
He is still drinking as much as before. He says that the idea is to get to the root of why he drinks and deal with it so he can then 'reach a level of drinking he's comfortable with'!!! This compares to his first assessment (with a different person) where he was told he would probably need to be admitted for a 7 day rehab!
Everything I've read says that alcoholism is a progressive disease and he needs to quit! But he is starting to question whether he is an alcoholic at all now...
He says his counsellor tells him that their sessions, unlike with her other clients, are just like talking with a friend - he makes her feel comfortable and at ease and he's a friendly guy. She also seems to tell him about her social life and the pubs she drinks in (she is a 'recovered' alcoholic too).
Half of me is thinking, yeah that's what my AH says...its not necessarily true! So, should I call and find out what the center's philosophy really is? I'm not sure of my motives. I think I'm looking for a sliver of hope for him - I want to believe that he will recover!
The thought that he's going to die of this kills me. I feel guilty for considering leaving him to die - I'm abandoning him!
But...I could be feeding the codie in me by trying to influence his recovery by asking questions for the centre.

Yeah, clear thinking is a bit beyond me just now - can you tell?

straightarrow

I feel for you!

Your scenario has some eerie similarities to what I am going through right now with my wife, and not surprisingly to many other posts and members on this board.

I wish I had the insight to make you feel better but the best I can do right now is tell you that you are not alone. There are others who are walking the same road with you.

Barbara52

I sure don't have a very positive opinion of an addiction therapist who would say that he reach a level of drinking he feels comfortable with. I sincerely doubt that is what was said. It may be what he heard though. Meaning an A can build a fantasy out of anything that will justify their actions in their own mind.

Personally, I would not call the center and would respond to his comments about it by saying that goes counter to what I know but its your therapy not mine.

He will do what he will do regardless of what you do. You can express your doubts about the effectiveness of therapy, you can express your doubts about the veracity of what he is saying BUT he will do what he will do. You do not own his therapy, he does. You do not own his addiction, he does.

Lilyflower

Do you hear an A quacking??? :
Sounds like your A maybe just stringing you along on this one. blah

keep focused on your recovery and leave him to what ever he is doing. All you need to keep asking you is, are you happy with your life?

It doesn't matter what he is doing

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bookwyrm

yeah, I'm still having a hard time not listening to the quacking...sigh. Wish I could fast forward everything and have it all done!!

tryingtofly

My husband went to an "alcohol assessement" about three years ago and the counselor told him that it's not about quitting drinking, it's about drinking in moderation. :wtf2
I didn't believe DH until he showed me his intake forms and on it the counselor circled Alcohol and Moderation. When he was ordered by the courts to attend another assessement he went (although by that point he had been in AA for three months) and when they suggested moderation again he just ignored that.
Sorry I don't have any advice, I just thought I'd share my experience.

thelightdawns

I know what you mean!
It's so frustrating that they get these 'drinking in moderation' suggestions from professionals. My ABF went 3 different times to see a Dr for a referral to some kind of program but the Dr said that he just has to limit his intake. :wtf2
Problem was that ABF would not have told the Dr that he is an A, because he had not yet told himself that!!!
This time ABF has worked out that Dr's and sometimes counselors can be completely useless, and this time he has skipped that step altogether.
All you can do is hope that he wakes up (and soon!!) and work on yourself in the mean time. Calling the centre will achieve nothing, but all this worry may give you an ulcer!!
:ghug3 I know what you are going through.

Sweetiepie1

I wonder if they are really advised to drink in moderation.

Call me a cynic or paranoid but I wonder if they tell the therapist the full extent of the problem or lie to justify their actions.

I've heard variations on this theme before and discovered the real truth was somewhat different.

Mair

I agree with Barbara on this one.
"Meaning an A can build a fantasy out of anything that will justify their actions in their own mind".

Whether he is getting treatment or not ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE? How would you feel if he came home and said "im not an alcoholic, I just need to cut down", can you accept that?

In my experience i didnt need an expert to tell me whether my xab was an alcoholic or not. I knew that i was not happy and I knew that his drinking was causing my life to be unmanagable

Trust your instincts honey you know him better than anyone. Take care of you.

Mair xx

loner1968

Before I stopped speaking to my XABF he told me he was in counseling. I thought it was good but didnt put much weight on it. He would tell me that he went for awhile and then didn't want to deal with it and then would get freaked out, go again, etc...of course I have no idea what was really discussed and its none of my business but he once told me that his counselor said he had to stay away from me because I was causing him too much stress...at first I believed him but I'm sure even if she did say that it was because he was not honest about the situation and the part HE played in it. Ya know like how he lied, cheated, ran around, stole and drank away half his life.
He also told a friend that he sought counseling because he never "made it big as a rock star" GAWD! My point...we never really know what they tell the therapists, doctor's etc.
Proffesionals are in a spot too where they can't help someone who isn't up front and they can't force anyone to be honest either. I fell for it because my self esteem was soooo low...right where he wanted it.
I went to couneling for years while we were together and not ONCE did I EVER bring up the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. Why? Because I wasn't...even with the big domestic violence poster hanging on the door in the office...It wasn't me...that was other people, women with black eyes and missing teeth, not me though. it took years for me to come out with it. I realized after that I was ashamed and would rather have blocked it out that to admit that someone I loved could hurt me. TWISTED!

hadenoughnow

They hear what they want to hear in counseling. My ex saw a substance abuse counselor who told him that he was an A, that his drinking would kill him and that he needed to go to detox for 10 days and do 90 in 90 at a MINIMUM (he came very close to committing my ex for being suicidal). What did he take away from all this? "The counselor says that I am not a bad person." He took ONE thing the counselor said and repeated it like some sort of mantra, completely ignoring everything else.

Eventually the counselor "was too busy" to see him.

Kindeyes

Isn't it funny how everyone around the A knows that they're an A but all it takes is one person to tell them they aren't and that's the one they believe.

One of my son's friends did that soon after my son got out of treatment. He told him "You're not an alcoholic.....now my mother.....SHE's an alcoholic. But you're just a guy who loves to party." WHAT?

But it's one thing for a "friend" to say things like that. But a professional?

bookwyrm

Thanks everyone - your kindness and warmth are amazing.

I've decided not to call the centre - its none of my business! Thinking about it though, I realised that if someone had told my AH he needed to stop drinking completely he just wouldn't have gone back. And yes, it is very probable that he would only 'hear' what he wants to hear - he does that with me too. I really should have known better...

I've been trying to detach for a few months now and I don't need to tell you it isn't easy! I keep believing him! I guess practice makes perfect...

Thanks again - you've all given me an amazing feeling that I'm not alone! :ghug

peaceteach

I think it is very cool that from this thread you decided to put the focus back on YOU. That is awesome, and to me, that IS recovery. Don't look back now. Just keep going with that train of thought and allow yourself to KNOW it is the right path