good_luck

Hey all,
So, I have a friend who I love dearly who is in a situation pretty similar to many I see posted on this board.

She is pregnant, by an abusive, cheating, drunken ex. It seems to finally finally be over, but the final straw was horrible and dramatic. For sure, I am worried about her.

The last time I spoke with her, I got a vibe that she may have decided to go through with the pregnancy, in part, while holding on to the delusion of a happy family. Which is, frankly, insane. (I won't go into details, but trust me on this one.)

At any rate, we live in different states, but I am going down to visit her next week. She feels very alone, her family is pretty fed up with her, and she moved to a place where her support system isn't huge.

I'm not sure what I should do. I know what she wants -- she wants a hug and some love and probably lunch. Fine.

But at the same time, I am not so sure that coddling is exactly what is needed. The thing is, she has made some HORRIBLE choices. And while I do not judge her for that, and it does not change my love for her, I am not sure I am doing her a service by acting like life is this mystifying thing that just happens to us.

I guess the thing is, that she is pregnant, and it really seems like it might be time to deal with reality, and stop indulging in this prolonged drama.

Any advice on how to approach this? Obviously, I am going to be true to myself and compassionate and a good friend. But can anyone think of a thing, or approach that a good friend took with you that kind of hit in the right way?

Personally, I am thinking of an email from a family member that really did the trick, and has been reread about a million times.

Thanks!

hbb

Hey there!

As you may know, I'm going through a similar thing with my best friend. Poor choices, other children and family involved. It's a difficult situation I've found myself in as a friend. I know what i WANT to say to her but it's not going to change the outcome. SO, I've kept most of my thoughts to myself and been the ear for her to vent to. She knows full well, as I'm sure your friend does too, that it's not a good situation.

There have been alot of ups and downs along the way for her and i over the past 13 years that's for sure. And alot of me biting my tongue and a long period of silence between. Recently I decided that she needs me as a friend as doing otherwise will not change the ultimate outcome of the situation.

I guess my advice would be to just be there for her and listen to her. I know it's not easy for anyone involved. I hope you have a nice visit with her otherwise

good_luck

Thanks hbb!

You know, that's exactly what I would do if she weren't pregnant. I guess the problem is that she is. And frankly, she probably deserves to know that if she drags a child into this mess, and continues making these choices, I honestly will not be supportive.

But maybe she doesn't need to know that now. Well, certainly she doesn't need to know that right now. That's a weird and threatening move for a friend to make.

Bernadette

heya good-luck--
wow what a messy mess....I try to think of myself in the past when I've been on the verge of bad decisions (made plenty!!) and I wonder if anything anyone said would have altered the course?? After my divorce my baby brother told me he never felt right about my Ex - and I got so mad like Why Didn't You Tell Me!!!?? And he was like - "Geeeeeeeez - cuz you don't say stuff like that when someone's in love and you wouldn't listen anyway." ...but I guess I'll never know if I would have listened cuz he didn't say anything!

It's a heartbreaking situation when you know a baby's getting involved...you could at least share that with her - that you feel like her life has been hard and you hope she'll be able to protect the baby from a hard life??? I don't know....tough one-- I guess like Heather said you can just be her friend...try to have a good time together...
Peace,
B.

loner1968

well I also have a friend who had made some pretty horrifying choices. She knows how I feel about them but I could never turn my back on her as we have been friends for a long time. I decided that I would be here for her to listen and I told her what I would and would not deal with. She used to talk about marrying her boyfriend who is in jail now. Talks about how he wants kids, how they are going to have a great life when he "gets out" He has been in jail on and off for about 3/4 of his life.

I used to go around and around with her but then I realized that the more I talked him down the more she seemed to talk him up!! I just stopped saying things about him and let her talk. I see now that she rarely talks about him or their "future" and that she sometimes seems like she is fed up. i know she has to come to her conclusions all on her own. I will be here for her as a friend but she knows how I feel and I think she knows that its not going to work out but who am I to say? My words really don't matter but my friendship does because she still comes over almost very day!

Sometimes just letting someone talk allows them to see how rediculous they are being.

good_luck

I think that up until now, I have gone the comforting route. It's been easy for me, but also I have not wanted to put her off of contacting me if she is in real trouble. I don't want her to think that I am going to judge her if she needs help.

But despite this, she has been blatantly lying about her realtionship with him, and this week ended up in the hospital, head cracked open, at three months pregnant. This is scary to me, and I know that I can't do anything, but there is no way I can continue to be complicit in this madness either.

hbb

My little brother did the same thing to me! As soon as J was gone he was like "i had nothing in common and didn't like him much anyways"....WHAT? I said the same thing, why didn't he tell me that. But you know what, i know me, and i ABSOLUTELY would have said he was crazy and continued on my no so merry way!

Hey, for what it's worth, i DON'T agree with my friend what so ever and didn't talk much for 2 years due to her choices but she did what she wanted. She has lied to me to the point of not knowing the truth out of her anymore. Your friend unfortunately is going to have to find out for herself that it's not the best situation and probably WILL regret it but as we learn here with our A's, they do what they want, when they want and how they want. I can't tell you how much i know how you feel as a friend to her. You just want to shake them and tell them it's wrong....i get it!!!

Barbara52

What I did in a sorta similar circumstance what to be very honest about I saw my friend doing and where it was headed. Its a long and complicated story but what I want to say is that eventually my friend thanked me for being the only friend or family member who was honest with her from the beginning, who told her she was headed for big time trouble and then let her go her own way until she was ready to face up to her by then very complicated difficulties. My friend ended up leaving her abusive relationship with her new premie son and she lived with me for 3 years. A bit much but that was my codenpendet rescuer in action.

i4getsm

Normally I would advice not to say anything and just listen...but my therapist and I just discussed not keeping secrets. In essence, you are protecting her from her own consequences. Maybe you could deal with her just like you deal with an A. Set up boundaries. Listen but not enable, ya know? Talk to her about the potential consequences for this baby and for her. She ultimately has to make her own decisions, and you can be a friend and listen to her sort it all out. But I think it's fair to say that you can't sit back in silence or lie to you about it.

Gosh I'm not sure what you could say. It's a tough situation.

NYC_Chick

I've been in this situation and found the best thing to do it be supportive, but not push her in any direction because she may end up as viewing you as the enemy. A close friend of mine married an active alcoholic. I told her what I thought and so did a lot of other people. Because he's not a mean drunk, she doesn't think there is a problem. I have seen his disease progress, but she doesn't want to and doesn't see the effect on her. I've shared my thoughts with her and that's all I can do. That and sit and pray she wakes up before she starts a family with him. Her choice.

My sister also married an active A very young and had 2 kids with him. It was h*ll, but she finally got out when the kids were 3 and 4 and we are all thankful that she didn't make a decision to end her pregnancies or put them up for adoption. They are really wonderful kids. They also helped to wake her up to what she needed to see.

FormerDoormat

Just as I've learned to be selective when it comes to life partners, I've learned to be selective when it comes to my friends. Years ago, I had a close friend who always made poor choices. She'd call me to complain or ask for advice and no matter what I suggested, she still made poor choices. And she'd call me whenever her poor choices and lack of action led to misery and pain.

Eventually, I realized that she was never interested in what was going on in my life and she NEVER had anything positive to say. Every interaction with her was negative and frustrating. So eventually I stopped spending time with her and stopped taking her calls.

We lost touch and I hadn't heard from her in nearly 15 years. Then a mutual friend gave her my work and home number when Richard passed away (without asking me if it was OK--it wasn't!) and she called to offer her condolences. She encouraged me to keep in touch, but I'd heard through the grapevine that she still hadn't changed and her life and her children's lives were still a mess, so I avoided initiating any contact.

When I failed to initiate contact, eventually she got the message and stopped calling me. Then just last week, my phone rang at work. It was a number I didn't recognize. You'll never guess who it was. Yep, it was her. Still complaining that her life was awful and her children were awful and her boyfriend was abusing her. Nothing had changed, she was unhappy and unloved and, of course, none of this was her fault.

I told her I'd been called into a meeting and hung up a few minutes later. Now, I'll be more careful to take note of the phone number before I pick up the phone.

So, what's the point of my post? Sometimes it's best to let toxic relationships go. What does she add to your life besides frustration and worry? Has she made any effort to change over the years?

good_luck

Actually, she is a loving and supportive friend who has helped me more times than I can even remember over the years. She is always, always there for me. She is one of my favorite people in the world, and one of the funniest, kindest, most beautiful people that I have ever met. She is generous and graceful and sweet. She works harder than anyone I know, and never complains.

This relationship has been going on for a year, it is the exception, not the rule.

I think is it evident from this board that the lovliest people can get caught up in the most difficult situations sometimes. She is by no means toxic, and does not burden me with her troubles. I am worried for her, but only because I love her.

I apologize for the defensiveness.

good_luck

At any rate, I think that I have figured out how to approach the situation. I wasn't comfortable with coddling or lecturing.

After some thinking, I have decided to just talk to her honestly about what her plans are. I think if it comes from her, it will mean more. Maybe if she can find some hope, some goals she is excited about, we can focus on those, instead of how rough things have been for her lately.

In other words, maybe I can lend her a shovel.