Vicious cycle of codependence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Vicious cycle of codependence
I'm usually on the substance abuse board (as my husband is a recovering addict.) But, we also have two friends who are alcoholics. To make a long story short: he drinks from the moment he gets home (around 4pm) until he passes out (around 7pm.) He drinks every day. She drinks as well, though I think it's to cope with him drinking in a sense. He beats her at night. She wakes up with a black eye and asks, "how did you get that?" and she will tell him, "you did it." He will shrug and say, "I don't remember," and blow it off.
She's had black eyes. Bruises, fat lips, cut lips. He wails on her. They have three children who have seen this happen.
Many times her family (father and sisters) have offered help for her to leave: money, a place to stay (where they pay the rent,) everything she could need/want. She's gotten to the last day, the BIG day to move out and always backs out.
She called the police once, but didn't press charges. After the police left, he beat her up again and told her never to do that.
She recorded him hitting her (video) and showed him. He just shrugged it off and said, "don't do that again."
She's a shell of a woman. He's become a tyrant.
His family refuses to see an issue (even though his sister drank her liver into such oblivion that she has to wear a pee-bag for the rest of her life. She's 36.) His parents are in such denial that they just bought them a house. A brand new house so their grandkids don't have to live in a two-bedroom apartment. No help for the alcoholism, but a new house will make everything better. They can't afford rent/bills because they pay over 350$ a month for liquor.
Now, she can't leave him because of the house. "But, we're moving."
Still, the calls came, about every other day. He hits me. He beats me. (crying) I can't stand this. My husband (who is recovering) finally told her, "until you're willing to do something about it, I don't want to hear this anymore. It hurts me. You refuse to help yourself. You can call me anytime, but we can't talk about this. Furthermore, if I get wind that he harms the kids, then I will call social services."
She doesn't call much anymore. Sometimes, she'll call a few times a month, leaving a drunken message, crying, then hangs up.
My issue is this. I don't understand why someone hasn't cornered this guy (while he's sober) and asked him what the heck is up. Everyone just lets him get away with this. Everyone.
Did I mention he's on his 4th DUI? He just got out of community service because he has a buddy on the inside who wrote it off. Last month, he took the kids to Wendy's and he was wasted.
I fear for these children and I swear to God, I want to get in his face and tell him to shape up or else. I know he has to find his bottom (and it has to be a pretty deep one at this point.) I know he has to WANT to get better. But, I'm tired of him beating the hell out of his wife and thinking it's no big deal. I'm tired of him blowing it off. He needs to be accountable. I know I can't MAKE him that way, but why can't someone just take him by the arm and give him a good old fashioned talking to? I ask my husband why and he doesn't have an answer.
Sorry for the long post, but it breaks my heart to know there are kids growing up in this house. The older boy (10) has started mouthing off to his mom, hitting her, acting out (just like his father.) The youngest girl does the same. The middle one is lost and withdraws more every day.
Sure, we can call the police, but if she doesn't press charges, what's the point?
Anyway, thoughts and ideas would be welcome.
She's had black eyes. Bruises, fat lips, cut lips. He wails on her. They have three children who have seen this happen.
Many times her family (father and sisters) have offered help for her to leave: money, a place to stay (where they pay the rent,) everything she could need/want. She's gotten to the last day, the BIG day to move out and always backs out.
She called the police once, but didn't press charges. After the police left, he beat her up again and told her never to do that.
She recorded him hitting her (video) and showed him. He just shrugged it off and said, "don't do that again."
She's a shell of a woman. He's become a tyrant.
His family refuses to see an issue (even though his sister drank her liver into such oblivion that she has to wear a pee-bag for the rest of her life. She's 36.) His parents are in such denial that they just bought them a house. A brand new house so their grandkids don't have to live in a two-bedroom apartment. No help for the alcoholism, but a new house will make everything better. They can't afford rent/bills because they pay over 350$ a month for liquor.
Now, she can't leave him because of the house. "But, we're moving."
Still, the calls came, about every other day. He hits me. He beats me. (crying) I can't stand this. My husband (who is recovering) finally told her, "until you're willing to do something about it, I don't want to hear this anymore. It hurts me. You refuse to help yourself. You can call me anytime, but we can't talk about this. Furthermore, if I get wind that he harms the kids, then I will call social services."
She doesn't call much anymore. Sometimes, she'll call a few times a month, leaving a drunken message, crying, then hangs up.
My issue is this. I don't understand why someone hasn't cornered this guy (while he's sober) and asked him what the heck is up. Everyone just lets him get away with this. Everyone.
Did I mention he's on his 4th DUI? He just got out of community service because he has a buddy on the inside who wrote it off. Last month, he took the kids to Wendy's and he was wasted.
I fear for these children and I swear to God, I want to get in his face and tell him to shape up or else. I know he has to find his bottom (and it has to be a pretty deep one at this point.) I know he has to WANT to get better. But, I'm tired of him beating the hell out of his wife and thinking it's no big deal. I'm tired of him blowing it off. He needs to be accountable. I know I can't MAKE him that way, but why can't someone just take him by the arm and give him a good old fashioned talking to? I ask my husband why and he doesn't have an answer.
Sorry for the long post, but it breaks my heart to know there are kids growing up in this house. The older boy (10) has started mouthing off to his mom, hitting her, acting out (just like his father.) The youngest girl does the same. The middle one is lost and withdraws more every day.
Sure, we can call the police, but if she doesn't press charges, what's the point?
Anyway, thoughts and ideas would be welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Your friend is an example of why in many communities the police arrest the abusive spouse and press charges regardless of what the abused spouse wants. She is probably incapable at this point of making any logical decisions.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
In the UK you could call Social Services and report the situation as a dangerous environment for the children, we also have the RSPCC (Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Children).
Both types of organisation step in on behalf of the children.
Do you have something like that where you are? Perhaps then she would find assistance and help for herself through the groups? - Or risk the children going into care. It may be her wake up call to rescue herself and her kids.
In the meantime, my prayers go out for the whole family,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Both types of organisation step in on behalf of the children.
Do you have something like that where you are? Perhaps then she would find assistance and help for herself through the groups? - Or risk the children going into care. It may be her wake up call to rescue herself and her kids.
In the meantime, my prayers go out for the whole family,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I think the children ought to be removed at once it is abusive for them to have to see this going on and I cannot phantom why someone close to these people has not stepped up to the plate for them...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
What a sad story. Unfortunately not a rare one.
If this were me, I would call child protective services (or whatever they call it in your area) and describe the situation. Those children are in danger. Its a small step from beating the woamn to beating the children.
If this were me, I would call child protective services (or whatever they call it in your area) and describe the situation. Those children are in danger. Its a small step from beating the woamn to beating the children.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
How very sad. What a terrible way for children to grow up. How damaged are they from watching their parents drunk and fighting.
I don't think I could stand by and watch this happening knowing that those kids are in that environment. I certainly can't tell you what to do but I was in that situation I would call CPS.
gentle hugs
I don't think I could stand by and watch this happening knowing that those kids are in that environment. I certainly can't tell you what to do but I was in that situation I would call CPS.
gentle hugs
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