11d

I have been reading and rereading the sticky "13 characteristics of adult children of alcoholics". I have been married 17 years with 3 kids. We have a 14 y.o. boy, 12 y.o. girl, and an 8 y.o. boy. I have stayed with my husband since he came out of rehab. He is working a program and is clean and sober. After reading everyone's posts, my questions are still there. Is it better to keep a family intact even though He is different now? He is focused on staying sober which is good, but there is no laughter or fun. I have detached with love, but I know I fit the charactistic list also. And I never knew an addic! My family was healthy, no divorce, no addictions. I am worried about my kids. They always ask why I am so serious and cannot enjoy life. I know I have become this. I am working on that. I do not want my kids to become like this. They do not know their dad is alcoholic/drug addict. He was always at work or sleeping! We use to have a blast as a family, but in the last 3-4 years I saw a change in my RAH. I thought it was depression and getting older. What can I do to help my kids to lead better lives? RIght now I am not happy in my marriage. I feel though that my kids are better with both of us in their life. Telling them everything, I know my oldest will rebel. I know him well. Yes, I fake alot of things and keep me and my kids busy. But Does staying help? What insures a more positive outcome for them and their self-image?

DesertEyes

Hi there 11d, and welcome to this little corner of SoberRecovery

I can't answer for your kids, only they can do that. What I can do is tell you about my personal experience. What helped me the most in overcoming my alcoholic parents was adults who set an example of honest living. Adults who did not lie, did not take advantage of me, went to work every day, lived happy, showed care for each other. They are the ones that I decided I wanted to grow and be like.

You've mentioned in other posts that you are working the steps, I think that's awesome. I did not see any mention of al-ateen. Over here where I live the al-ateen meetings are operated as part of al-anon, and they do wonders for the kids. If you don't have meets at your location you can always get together with some other parents and start one.

My impression is that you are making efforts to return to being the happy, loving person you used to be, before your husbands pill addiction changed things in your family. I think that if you continue to work on _you_, to become that healthy person once again, then your kids will notice. I know I noticed the healthy adults, and having them as a guide to healthy behavior is what saved me.

Welcome again.

Mike

11d

I did not mention alateen because they do not know about dad's addiction. They do not know he went away to rehab. They still believe he went away to school. They asked why he wasn't drinking and his response is because he wanted to set a good example. I was so confused when I found out. The night he went to rehab. He never drank alot as far as I am concerned. I never saw him "drunk". Just sleeping. He spent most of his days at work, where he was drugging! I was barely getting by when He left. I was in no shape to tell them and the counselors told me I would know when. "When" never came. And they never asked. During the period my husband was gone, I found cigs in my 14 y.o. room. I exploded and over reacted. That is what codependent's do and I was very sensitive since my husband had just left. He said his we use to smoke and so does his uncle.I explained to him it was very hard for us to quit. We quit about 6 years ago, when my husband traded that in for Lortabs. My dad explained to me that I overreacted and he talked to him. He has been fine since then. I stay at home. I pretend to be happy and solid. My parents live a few houses down and are very much a part of their life. BUT I have stayed with my RAH and I am not happy. I think if my son knew his dad did drugs, it would be his excuse. He is rebellous, but a good kid. Both my husband and I have talk about drugs. BUt never told them anything. I just know that I lived in this illusion for a long time and I don't trust myself, my decisions, and my thoughts. Am I doing the right thing by staying? What do I do to insure + self esteem?

DesertEyes

That question can best be answered by people who know you in real life. That would be your al-anon support group and your sponsor. Nobody here can answer that for you because all we can see about you and your situation is just words on a computer screen. The kind of advice you are looking for has to come from someone who knows you _deeply_. If not your sponsor, then a therapist.

As far as your kids, I can only tell you what made a difference in my life. Make _your_ life happy, joyous and free and your kids will be happy with you. The easiest way to do that is right back in al-anon or therapy.

Mike