Im scared
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Im scared
This weekend I just hit the bottom, reality just smacked me in the face,years ago I called it letting go...you'd probably call it denial.
I gave up years ago trying to control it or understand it.
My husband is and alcoholic and of course as time moves on He's getting worse.
I guess I mainly push it out of my mind as crazy as that may seem. I need to in order to function on a daily basis.
But im scared, Im really scared of what the future may bring. Im scared because I feel alone and don't want to share my shame with friends and family. Oh they all know, but they don't know if you know what i mean.
Im tired of being judged.
Im tired of working the program taking the steps that i need to take when it all just doesn't make a difference. To him.
Oh don't get me wrong, i gave up taking responsibility for his actions long ago. I totaly didconnected from him .
i went out and created a life for myself and became a much stronger person
but he's still sick, and getting sicker and theres nothing i can do.
so i don't want any advice thankyou very much.
i just want an ear or two.
i know all the things i should do or say but im m just too dam exhausted to do them anymore.
I just need an understanding ear.
so my friends if there is anyone in the same boat , and im more than certain there is please reach out.
sooooooooooooo scared,
it's all out of my control.
I gave up years ago trying to control it or understand it.
My husband is and alcoholic and of course as time moves on He's getting worse.
I guess I mainly push it out of my mind as crazy as that may seem. I need to in order to function on a daily basis.
But im scared, Im really scared of what the future may bring. Im scared because I feel alone and don't want to share my shame with friends and family. Oh they all know, but they don't know if you know what i mean.
Im tired of being judged.
Im tired of working the program taking the steps that i need to take when it all just doesn't make a difference. To him.
Oh don't get me wrong, i gave up taking responsibility for his actions long ago. I totaly didconnected from him .
i went out and created a life for myself and became a much stronger person
but he's still sick, and getting sicker and theres nothing i can do.
so i don't want any advice thankyou very much.
i just want an ear or two.
i know all the things i should do or say but im m just too dam exhausted to do them anymore.
I just need an understanding ear.
so my friends if there is anyone in the same boat , and im more than certain there is please reach out.
sooooooooooooo scared,
it's all out of my control.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Thank you for your response
I just don't want to do anything about it. Im too exhausted to fight the adiction. It always wins. I can't change it. But i just remembered from being on this site again tonight that I need to take care of me. It's about helping me....what i need is a rest...a rest away from him.
thats what i will do.....plan a retreat, a getaway, a mind vacation, solitude.....thats what i need.
Thank yu
I just don't want to do anything about it. Im too exhausted to fight the adiction. It always wins. I can't change it. But i just remembered from being on this site again tonight that I need to take care of me. It's about helping me....what i need is a rest...a rest away from him.
thats what i will do.....plan a retreat, a getaway, a mind vacation, solitude.....thats what i need.
Thank yu
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I can certainly understand and sympathize with your fear. If the A in your life is getting progressively worse and shows no indication of seeking help, I guess you can reasonably speculate on his future.
As far as fear of sharing your shame, why do you feel you have any shame in this matter? You don't own the addiction. It sounds like you've done a good job of detaching and tending to your own business. There's no shame in that.
I don't know who is judging you, but I'd be tired of someone sitting in judgment of my life choices too. None of us know what tomorrow holds, and it can be a scarey thing. I know we are all going to die, like it or not. I don't think there is much we can control in this life, other than what we choose to think or feel or how we react to a situation.
We all need a break from the addicts in our lives. Be good to yourself. Perhaps a long weekend away with family or friends. Go someplace where you can enjoy the scenery and relax.
As far as fear of sharing your shame, why do you feel you have any shame in this matter? You don't own the addiction. It sounds like you've done a good job of detaching and tending to your own business. There's no shame in that.
I don't know who is judging you, but I'd be tired of someone sitting in judgment of my life choices too. None of us know what tomorrow holds, and it can be a scarey thing. I know we are all going to die, like it or not. I don't think there is much we can control in this life, other than what we choose to think or feel or how we react to a situation.
We all need a break from the addicts in our lives. Be good to yourself. Perhaps a long weekend away with family or friends. Go someplace where you can enjoy the scenery and relax.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
You sound like a smart lady. In time you'll figure out what you need to do to have a healthy life for yourself. I certainly can relate to your feelings. After years of so much worry anyone can become exhausted and the only thing left to do it to center your life around yourself. Big hugs and positive energy for what you need to focus on. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
I had an abusive childhood, and it created an enormous amount of shame for me to deal with. In spite of great progress through therapy and continued inner work, it still comes up for me at times. I felt a huge amount of shame when XAGF/W dumped me for another buddy. My support network affirmed that I had no reason to feel ashamed, but there it was nonetheless. Healing shame is a long and daunting process. Events that happen to me today can trigger old, unhealed shame in me, fill me with that intensely uncomfortable sense that an unfavorable spotlight has been turned on me, and let everyone see that I am defective in some way. Admitting and disclosing my shame to someone, has in and of itself caused me to feel more shame, triggering a downward spiral of shame. Witnessing shame in another can also trigger my shame. Even reading this very paragraph may trigger shame in someone who is caught in a shame spiral.
I believe shame is the most uncomfortable feeling we can have. Few people can hold the experience of it in their consciousness for very long without taking steps to cover it up or shift it out of consciousness. It tempts me to get angry, as a way of feeling something else less painful, or tempts me to start blaming, because blame moves the spotlight off me to someone else. I will also run away, or deny that I have any shame.
I believe that those, like myself, who have grown up in shame-based families, and have fully developed shame spirals, are unlikely to recover from it without outside intervention. The intensity of discomfort prevents me from seeking the very help I need to heal it. As a survivor, I am keenly aware of shame in another, and it seems like I can sense it before the other is even aware of it. I think my XAGF/W many times felt shame, and her statements to me in those times were often predictable. It sounds like shame is a big issue for alcoholics and addicts in general, so it makes sense that they would use a blame strategy to cope, which presents itself to us as the accusation that it is all our fault.
During my abuse recovery, I created a little list of feelings and their opposites, and taped it to my computer monitor at work. Whenever I felt overwhelmed by a negative feeling, I would do my best to hold on to the feeling, and look at the list for its opposite. I would then ask myself what thought or action I could take to transform the feeling into its opposite. Examples of such pairs would be sad-->joyful, anger-->peace, fear-->love. For shame, the pair is shame-->pride. I would hold shame in my consciousness as long as possible, surround my inner child with love and support, and ask her what could happen for her to feel proud about the situation or trigger. Over time, this strategy has been very helpful for me.
I recognize the possibility that the revelation of shame in this thread may have been very difficult or painful for you. If so, please take pride in your tremendous courage. I honor you for your willingness to work on yourself, and your desire to stay with the husband you love, as damaged as he is. I support you taking time for yourself, and making whatever choices you need to down the road to preserve and enhance the specialness that you are.
Please keep posting so that we can support you and be inspired by you.
Karen
I believe shame is the most uncomfortable feeling we can have. Few people can hold the experience of it in their consciousness for very long without taking steps to cover it up or shift it out of consciousness. It tempts me to get angry, as a way of feeling something else less painful, or tempts me to start blaming, because blame moves the spotlight off me to someone else. I will also run away, or deny that I have any shame.
I believe that those, like myself, who have grown up in shame-based families, and have fully developed shame spirals, are unlikely to recover from it without outside intervention. The intensity of discomfort prevents me from seeking the very help I need to heal it. As a survivor, I am keenly aware of shame in another, and it seems like I can sense it before the other is even aware of it. I think my XAGF/W many times felt shame, and her statements to me in those times were often predictable. It sounds like shame is a big issue for alcoholics and addicts in general, so it makes sense that they would use a blame strategy to cope, which presents itself to us as the accusation that it is all our fault.
During my abuse recovery, I created a little list of feelings and their opposites, and taped it to my computer monitor at work. Whenever I felt overwhelmed by a negative feeling, I would do my best to hold on to the feeling, and look at the list for its opposite. I would then ask myself what thought or action I could take to transform the feeling into its opposite. Examples of such pairs would be sad-->joyful, anger-->peace, fear-->love. For shame, the pair is shame-->pride. I would hold shame in my consciousness as long as possible, surround my inner child with love and support, and ask her what could happen for her to feel proud about the situation or trigger. Over time, this strategy has been very helpful for me.
I recognize the possibility that the revelation of shame in this thread may have been very difficult or painful for you. If so, please take pride in your tremendous courage. I honor you for your willingness to work on yourself, and your desire to stay with the husband you love, as damaged as he is. I support you taking time for yourself, and making whatever choices you need to down the road to preserve and enhance the specialness that you are.
Please keep posting so that we can support you and be inspired by you.
Karen
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