thelightdawns

I dont know exactly where to start but I came on this forum read the sticky's again and now I am in a bit of a panic.

I think he is manipulating me again, and I have fallen for it AGAIN!!!!
I think I SERIOUSLY need help and I am going to find an al-anon meeting to go to ASAP.
ABF is a smooooooooooth operator. I'm sure you all have experience with this. We broke up 3 weeks ago, he went on a bender and I think he found a girl/drinking companion. Well, he came to talk on Sunday night and said he thinks he is an alcoholic (never used that word before, always says 'drinking problem') and says he wants to stop, get help etc. He talked about going to de-tox and what he needs to do. He has been to Dr's before and they all say that he can have 2-3 standard drinks per day - no bingeing. WTF???

Anyway, he was possibly minimising the problem when telling the Dr.

Well, he asked me if I still loved him - yes - and he said he still loves me, there was a lot of crying and heart-felt words. He said he wanted to go see his Mum to see what she knew about meetings and de-tox and get her advice. So we did that.

He is coming home because we cant really afford to live apart, but he will need to stop drinking. Seek help etc.

I just have this impending sense of DOOM. And that I am being messed with. Which leads me to believe that I am in need of some serious help. Obviously my problem is that I am addicted to him and I think this codie thing was in force long before I met him and that being with him has just drawn it out furthur.
Sorry if I am rambling, but as I said I am in a bit of a panic.

I dont understand why I keep taking him back and why I let him get away with his obviously terrible behaviour. Last night I saw on his phone that he had changed my name to The Devil. He joked and said it was coz he was hurt but I think it would be because of the girl he was hanging with/seeing. (said nothing happened. But come on! I am addicted here, not stupid)
He said she was just a drinking buddie and that's basically all he's been doing. I am petrified that he is just quacking away and that he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear.
He is wrong if he thinks that is what I want to hear, because basically all I want to hear is THE TRUTH.
The more I am around him the more I get the feeling I have been messed with again. But it's only clear once he leaves again. Then I read things on here and like my name says - the light dawns and I see through the manipulation. Like a fog lifting.
You know when they lay on the compliments a little too thick!! (which makes them sound less sincere)

What actually made me question his sincerity about getting into recovery was when I asked him had he planned what he wanted to tell me, had he been thinking about it? He said no.
So I'm thinking he was just guided by whatever I said. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
And I was so stricken that I just ate it all up.
I feel like a moron.
I'm going to go to a meeting.
Thanks for reading.

peaceteach

Why is it they always "come to their senses" on Sunday nights? My exAH used to do that, then when we were separated he would ALWAYS call with the manipulative, sad, I'm sorry calls on Sunday nights. I finally stopped answering the phone on Sunday nights

You will know soon enough if he is sincere, but I would tell you to trust your gut. That sense of impending doom is your body warning you what you can't get your mind around yet. Don't let money be the reason why you are allowing yourself to live like this. Start working on a plan to have an alternative arrangement ready for when/if you decide that enough is enough. Don't just give up and say it's not possible. That would be just like the alcoholic giving up when trying to quit drinking. You would tell him "Fight for it! It's your LIFE we are talking about!" Well, YOU fight for it, cause it's YOUR life and you are in control of making choices of how YOU want to live your life.

LaTeeDa

Exactly what I was going to say. If I could go back and listen to my instincts every time they told me I was going in the wrong direction, I would be miles ahead of where I am now.

L

SailorKaren

If he really loves you, he will respect your heartfelt wishes about his behavior. I would not feel shy about saying you will not accept any drinking for some initial period, say 6 months. Try working out a plan for yourself. Say, if he relapses, you will separate immediately for 6 months. Then stick to your plan. Like they say in pilot school, "Plan the flight, then fly the plan." He ought to be willing and able to show you modified behavior for quite some time, in order to allow you to rebuild some trust in him. If he really is an alcoholic, like he now admits, he will be unable to take even 1 drink without going on a binge. So he ought to be quitting to help you regain trust, but especially for his own recovery. If he hasn't committed to quitting, I question the wisdom of having him back. If he won't give up his drinking buddy, I question the wisdom of having him back (BTDT!!!)

You are not, in some way, less of a person for wanting to be together with him. You are a beautiful, gifted soul who sees possibilities in another who is damaged, and are willing to be with him when others would run screaming from the room. You are simply at risk of injury from his disease, and we are part of the resources you have available to protect and care for yourself in your quest. Remember to care for yourself first!

sailorjohn

Wow, I can relate. If there were codie rehab places I would qualify for inpatient, based on my experience with my ex it should be for a minimum of 90 days. Don't ignore that gut, it's telling you something. Someone else pointed it out to me, I'm inclined to agree fully, the relationship is/was more like an addiction than anything else. I just have to take it one day at a a time and stay away from 'wet' places, one of those wet places would be her proximity, including but not limited to even what would appear to be only casual contact. My thoughts go out to you.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. But don't be so hard on yourself. You are so right. Alcoholics are verrrrrry smooth operators. They learn exactly how to push our buttons. I have certainly felt drawn in again by my A son when I should have known better and can also see it clear as day later. It takes practice. And unfortunately, the A's in our lives give us plenty of practice, don't they?

I am still amazed about how different all of our stories are.....and yet they are all the same.

Keep your focus on YOU and what you need and want and what makes YOU happy. If it doesn't "feel" right........it probably isn't.

gentle hugs

Barbara52

First off, you are not a moron! You are a person struggling with codependency and trying your best to make progress. You didn't get to where you are overnight. You won't get to where you want to be overnight either.

Do listen to your gut. Do figure out what your boundaries are and what you are willing to do if those boundaries are violated. That allows you to begin to act from a position of strength rather than weakness. You can improve your life!

prodigal

I'm sure you want to hear the truth, but getting the truth from him is not a realistic expectation. He isn't living the truth; he's living a lie.

While waiting for the truth from him may very well be an exercise in futility, you can find the truth for YOU. That is the only truth that matters.

FormerDoormat

I'm sure the feeling of impending doom you feel began the moment he walked back through your door. So, you can't afford to live on your own. That doesn't mean you have to live with him. You have other options.

thelightdawns

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I am feeling soooo much better now. I have never had a panic attack before - and I don't want one again. I am back to my usual self now and I realize the obvious, which is that I have control of my destiny. And that I will be just fine and so will my babies.

Shivaya

Here's my Short & Sweet response....

Set Boundaries!!!

They've worked for me!


Shivaya

carolineb

Alcoholics will say whatever they think you want to hear in order to keep you hooked and maintain their addiction.

Trust me when I say I speak from experience. If you are a rational person, it is so hard to understand the depths of the manipulation. If you stay with him or give him any type of permission to continue with his drinking, then you are essentially an enabler.

There is absolutely NO way for an alcoholic to get the help they need or realize that they have a problem until they start to lose. Their lives need to be turned upside down for them to realize that perhaps THEY are the only ones to blame.

It is indeed so very difficult to let go. But....until they experience loss. Loss of loved ones, loss of a job, loss of a home, loss of their dignity.....they will never realize that the source of their unhappiness lies square within themselves.....and absolutely NO ONE else.

There is nothing you can do or say to help. As a matter of fact, the more you try to say or do to help....the longer the disease lives. Letting go is the hardest thing to do and yet the greatest act of love.

Peace.

FormerDoormat

And sometimes even the loss of loved ones, their job, their home, their dignity still isn't enough to make alcoholics see the light and they end up losing their lives.

If you think it's painful watching someone drink themseves into oblivion, you haven't seen anything yet. Watching someone drink themselves to death is horrific.

My boyfriend drank himself to death one year ago. Fortuntely, I'd asked him to leave two years earlier and didn't allow him to come back home, even when he had a 7-month period of sobriety.

If you need someone to share living expenses in order to make ends meet, there are much healthier options than inviting an active alcoholic back into your home.

You're about to invite chaos, drama, and pain back into your life. Think carefully before you do so.