SugarLily

What a weekend.

I was feeling so very sorry for the ex this weekend. I saw him at his parents house on Saturday day, he was alone in the garden looking utterly depressed. I was so close to hugging him and kissing him. Instead I didn't, I tried to advise him on looking for a better job etc.. What stuff needs to be done at the house.... don't be so negative etc...

Well on Saturday night I went to a friends house. She lives with one of exes very closest friends. His friends have always looked out for me though. Well I walked to the shop with him talking about the ex. I was explaining I feel sorry for him. Well the friend stopped me and said that he is very sorry but he can't see me being down without knowing the truth. The truth is the ex slept with a girl 3 weeks ago.

I feel destroyed, all the while I've been feeling sorry for him. He's been BEGGING me to take him back. Making me feel so guilty. Yeah we aren't together anymore - I left him so I can't exactly tell him what to do but why on earth was he begging me back?

Lilyflower

Sugarlily, it is impossible to know another persons thoughts and so in the same sense it is impossible to know another persons reasons for acting a certain way. You could spend hours/days/months driving yourself insane trying to answer why?

Ask yourself some hard questions, do you want to reconcile your relationship? Do you still envisage a future with him? At the end of the day, if you are going your separate ways, beginning your own future, what he does in his alcohol enduced madness is his problem and his alone. He is mixed up and lost right now. He wants you but is latching on to others, he is kind and then he can be nasty. This two sided personality was why you called it quits in the first place, don't loose your focus on you!

So now you know for certain that he has still been playing mind games with you all this time, like he did when you were together. The question is, are you going to allow yourself to be pulled back into this? Or are you going to use this to fuel your recovery?

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SugarLily

Thanks Lilyflower

No I don't see the relationship being reconciled, especially not after this. I know things are over and I need to move on but this has been a slap in the face and a kick to my self esteem.

I feel furious - I know this girl, I know this board is polite so I will keep my swearing screaming thoughts about her in my head.

In a way I guess this will help me. But it still hurts.

Thank you again.

Lilyflower

Parts of the recovery process are painful. You have been allowing yourself to fall for his charms and his words. Like I've said words mean NOTHING actions mean EVERYTHING. A's lie cheat and manipulate, that is what they do. This is part of your path to understanding. Use this as a reminder as to why you are NOT with him. This is how he is in his addiction. Now you can see the whole picture, how he plays in front of you and how he plays when your not around. Remember this next time he tries to give you his sob story.

This is by NO MEANS a reflection on you and in everyway way a reflection on HIM! Pick up your self esteem, you have no reason to feel bad about any of this. Let the slap in the face be like your own mind trying to wake you out of a nightmare, and come through to the other side.

You are so much better than all this. As for her, she deserves pitty! If she thought for a moment that he had any interest in her she was wrong. Active A's only care for themselves. If she thinks there is a chance of a relationship with him, I wonder how upset she would be knowing he has been coming begging to get back with you?

Both of you are victims to his addiction. Any future girlfriend of his will no doubt find a place like this sooner or later just as you did. Anger serves only to damage ourself. Channel your frustration not at her, or even him (as he is so far gone in his problems), but to light the fire of your recovery.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SugarLily

Well the girl involved has a boyfriend. He is a friend of the ex and I know him well. I did something stupid, when I found out I was so furious that I sent him a message telling him, I wasn't malicious about it but I should not have done that. I feel so ashamed, her relationship with her boyf and her drunken whatever it was with my ex is none of my business. I keep worrying about what I've done but it's done now - I can't change it.

Ex denied all of this by the way, he was furious demanding I tell him who told him. I refused. I keep thinking maybe he is innocent but there is no way a friend of his would tell me something like that had it not been true.

This girl has a reputation, I remember her sending him messages saying "Hi gorgeous, bet you are propping up my bar now, love ..... xxxx"

Ironic - she was the barmaid at his local. And that bolded part goes to show she knows he has an issue with drinking.

Argh I just feel overwhelmed, my dads in hospital today, I still have three weeks till the house is gone. I guess after this month is over the fog will lift.

You've been invaluable with your advice. x

Lilyflower

Well she sounds mixed up herself. She's already in a relationship and is cheating on him with your ex who's an A?!

Your right, you cannot do anything about what has already happened, part of recovery is learning acceptance and to accept responsibility for things. I've had to do this too. Just after I split from my ex, I got a call from his sister, we had been friendly with each other in the past. She asked why I had ended it with him, was he really that bad etc? So I let it all slip and I told her things that her brother had done to me. I was aware after the conversation that I had only told one side of the story really, it was a two way thing. I had completely come from a victim place and made him out to be the instigator etc. I felt bad but at the same time I knew I couldn't take it back. I had to swaet for a few weeks wondering if I would get a phone call from him yelling at me for what I had said. He never did, but those few weeks weren't pleasent!

I'm not at all suprised that he did! He would have preferred to keep you hanging on wouldn't he? Some one came along and burst his bubble! Plus I've never heard anyone yet say their active A has admitted to doing wrong, or asked for apology when they are caught out lying! They don't like to face up to their own faults!

Trust your guts over him. You know how deceptive he can be. You witnessed it time and time again when you were dating. You know deep down if he is innocent, don't allow him to pull you in! Cut that cord.

Funny, I've heard others say their ex has ended up with the local barmaid. Strange! She probably has listened to him complaing about you and has been sucked in to his lies about how hard done by he is that he just wants to have some fun blah blah. Poor woman.

I hope your dad is ok? My thoughts are with you. Keep your head up and keep moving forward Sugarlily. You can and will get through this.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cagefree

Why on earth would an active alcoholic act rationally, responsibly or truthfully?

I mean, hey, if I could use people like tools to get what I want and they still come back to me - am I going to stop doing it?

I'm with Lily - go with your gut and put your thoughts on your dad ((hugs)) - he deserves your thoughts.