Story is always changing with AH, eviction is back on

Old 06-01-2008, 03:20 PM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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Angry Story is always changing with AH, eviction is back on

So, apparently AH likes to act like things are all fine and dandy and like he has got everything under control when, in fact, he doesn't.

After stringing my landlord along and me too, for a few weeks now, it has just come to light that AH does not and can not come up with the past due rent to prevent the eviction.

I'm not sure where the $ went he earned from the job he worked all night on the other night, re: the IRA money - he claims he told me he could only get $500 out of it. Which he did not tell me. If he had told me that when why did he email me telling me that he was taking the money out of his IRA to pay the landlord with and that I needed to agree to let him keep all of our tax rebate check money to pay back his IRA account with. ??????

He swears he has told me this or that when in fact he hasn't! He swears he has emailed me this or that until I show him that he hasn't, and then he gets really mad and doesnt want to talk about it.
Over and over again, its this:
HIM: I told you that.
ME: No, you didn't!

OR he leaves out really important details about things. Does that all the time, and then its like, "oh, sorry I forgot to tell you that." Or knows I'm waiting to hear about an issue and just never updates me, makes me wait and wait KNOWING I'm waiting and then I finally have to ask him.
That's being passive aggressive, right?

Is his brain *really* this damaged? Do the A's out there that you know act like this?

Now he wants me to call the landlord and tell him that in fact, the plan B, C & D that AH had to get him paid have all fallen through and will he wait until mid-July?
Um, right. The landlord has been so patient, but now with this being June I owe 3 months rent plus two months full of late charges. There is no way on earth the landlord is going to wait another 5 weeks (for the tax rebate check)!!!!!

I guess I'll start packing now, but I have no idea where the girls and I are going to go, or what we'll do. My biggest fear is that my 1st husband will use this against me to try and get custody of our two daughters in an effort to not have to pay child support anymore, (as he calls it, the money the state steals from his paycheck every week - 1st husband and his wife really really hate the fact that he has to pay child support for the kids).

OMG. I am in a huge panic.
I'm trying to sell my digital camera and portable dishwasher, the only things I have left of any value at all, to get money for an interview outfit and to print off copies of my resume and cover letters and for gas to get back and forth to drop these off. But, its all going to be too late anyhow.
I just dont know what to do.

WHY did AH string me along and keep telling me, "don't worry about it, I'll get it taken care of" for so long??!!
If he was doubtful, he didn't show it, he made it sound like for a fact the rent would be paid off, and then I'd have time to get a job and pay July's rent and be back on my feet.

Great, just freaking great.
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:29 PM
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I don't even know what to say, except that I sympathize with your situation. As an ACOA, the only thing I can relate to this, is when in 2001, my father invited me to come live with him, in a situation that I quickly regretted. I found an eviction notice on the door. I told him about it, and he shrugged it off, saying he wasn't being evicted.

Well, I had made other arrangements, but he was in fact evicted. And then I found out a couple of years later, that he was in active addiction (though he wasn't using at the apartment, so I didn't know).

But it made sense to me, his denial. I can't tell you how many times my family had been evicted when I was a teenager, the period of my parents usage. My mother, brothers, and I had to stay in a battered women's shelter, because my parents got us evicted. My mom lied, and got us in.

I can only imagine your pain, shame and fear. I don't know you, but I'll send a "virtual prayer" up for you and your kids. :ghug:praying
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:32 PM
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Oh boy.....that was a real bomb he dropped on you, wasn't it? And he does this after all the sweet songs and nice apologies he dished up for you. And yes.....to answer your questions, yes...his brain is probably that damaged. And yes.....it seems that all alcoholics have the same "play book".

Ok. Breathe. Take a nice DEEP breathe and get ready to do some things for you and your children.

There are places that WILL help someone in your position. You may have to swallow a little pride but they will help. Use the internet to do a little research on Women's resources in your area. They may be able to offer you a place to stay for a while. They may be able to help you find a job. They may be able to help you with your interview wardrobe.

Your husband is playing the game that alcoholics play so well. They do whatever they can to try to control our emotional state. They pull our strings and keep us involved in their dance. It is a real shock to them when we cut the strings and stop the dance. They don't know how to act when they "lose" their control over us.

The position you are currently in may be the scariest thing you've ever experienced. But you WILL survive because you ARE a strong strong woman.

Please keep us posted. We are all here.....cheering you on.....offering our strength.....and wishing the very best for you and your children.

gentle hugs

Last edited by Kindeyes; 06-01-2008 at 03:35 PM. Reason: I can't spell
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:42 PM
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I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this sweetie. I have to totally agree with kindeyes. Yes this is what A's do. My exabf just bought a brand new 2008 truck and is supposivley making a lot of money at his new job. He one day texted me asking if I needed to borrow some money for the trip I just got back from, and I said that be helpful. Well the next day he asked why I popped this on him at the last minute. Huh? He was the one to offer me the support.

Anyway I think it's maybe time to depend on the only person you can right now and that is you. Like kindeyes suggested, there are many women's resources available. Also possibly check with your state about financial and food assistance.

Could you sit down with your landlord and explain the situation to him? Possibly let him know you just graduated and plan to get a job very soon? Let him know you plan to pay back the money by such and such a date?

I know that in my state eviction is a very long process from start to finish. It's not like within ten days they throw you out. The landlord has to go to court to obtain an unlawful detainer and most of anything filed in the courts takes time.

You and your girls will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:51 PM
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Thanks. Again. I am sooooo tired of this drama.

The problem with the eviction and stuff is that while we live near a large city with resources that may help, we live in a neighboring county that has zilch for that kind of help.

AND years and years ago my 1st husband went to court without my knowledge and had an order entered in saying I could not leave this small little county with my kids - apparently this was the new wifes idea, it wasnt like I was talking about leaving or anything like that.

So, anyhow, I have researched all of the resources. I do currently get food stamps until I get a job, and have called me case worker. There is nothing for help. And with the court ordering me to stay in this little county, I am like trapped.
Then only thing my caseworker told me was to beg family (family doesnt have the $) and ask at all of the churches. And churches are so overrun with desperate people asking for money, that they dont really even want to talk to you unless you are already a member of the church.

I attend a HUGE church but due to social anxiety, I havent made friends there, just sort of slip in and out.

I just listed my things for sale, hopefully they will sell quickly, they won't save me from eviction but the $ will certainly be helpful.

I have $3 now to my name and will have to ask AH for more money which I DO NOT want to do. Grrr......

I can not wait until I can support my children and myself. I never ever want to be in this situation again, it really really stinks.

AH just called back and said he would ask his boss first thing in the a.m. for a loan against our tax rebate check, but not to hold my breath.
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this sweetie. I have to totally agree with kindeyes. Yes this is what A's do. My exabf just bought a brand new 2008 truck and is supposivley making a lot of money at his new job. He one day texted me asking if I needed to borrow some money for the trip I just got back from, and I said that be helpful. Well the next day he asked why I popped this on him at the last minute. Huh? He was the one to offer me the support.

Anyway I think it's maybe time to depend on the only person you can right now and that is you. Like kindeyes suggested, there are many women's resources available. Also possibly check with your state about financial and food assistance.

Could you sit down with your landlord and explain the situation to him? Possibly let him know you just graduated and plan to get a job very soon? Let him know you plan to pay back the money by such and such a date?

I know that in my state eviction is a very long process from start to finish. It's not like within ten days they throw you out. The landlord has to go to court to obtain an unlawful detainer and most of anything filed in the courts takes time.


You and your girls will be in my thoughts and prayers.

My landlord knows the situation, as I had problems around Christmas time too. He even prayed with me in his home when I went to talk with him.
At this point I owe him like $3000.00 and he's been strung along so much, I'm sure he's not going to want any more stories, drama or excuses.

Here eviction takes less than 2 weeks to get a court date and then they give you 7 days to be out. If you are not out by the 7 days the Sheriff comes and starts putting everything from the house out onto the curb and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

This is all just too much.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:19 PM
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Ok. You're in survival mode now. I cannot believe that ANY state in this country would allow a court to mandate that a person stay within a particular county. I can understand not being able to leave the state or something like that but an order like that can limit your ability to gain employment. That is simply NOT right. In fact, it sounds downright unconstitutional!

Flip your survival mode switch to ON. And do what YOU have to do to survive. Even if that means appealing to resources outside of your county. If you don't explore those resources, you will never know what the outcome could be.

Your landlord sounds like a good guy. You never know, he may be more willing to help you than you think. I can't imagine being a landlord and putting a woman and her children on the street.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:20 PM
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Question

Okay, I need some direction with this:

As I stated I go to a megachurch, very cool, modern church that welcomes EVERYONE, the church for people who don't like church.
The most welcoming place you could imagine, the people are great.

Anyhow, my second oldest daughter is best friends with a girl whose mother is one of the founding members of the church and also one of the main pastors.
Like I said I attend church there but slip in and out and haven't really developed a relationship with anyone there. So the mother of my daughters friend is the closest connection I have there. My daughter has spent soooo much time at their home, they are very wealthy (the father/husband is a Dr) and all of their friends are wealthy so we don't hang with the same crowds and I've always been too ashamed of how low income we are and how crappy our home is which has prevented us from inviting them over or developing a friendship with them as I've always been too intimidated and embarassed.

I really want to email my daughters friends mother and ask her if she would put our family on the "urgent prayer" list, as I know they have a huge prayer network at the church.
My problem is, I dont know....it seems so low to ask this woman for prayer, to admit to the mother of my daughters best friend how bad things are here.

So difficult. Do I just say:

Dear xxxx, Our family is really struggling since my AH moved out and I was finishing nursing school. We are on the verge of eviction and could you please place us on the prayer list at church? Thanks so much, xxxx

Does that sound okay? Sounds corney to me.
Is that enough detail? I am usually long-winded and dont want to sound all dramatic and pathetic, ect....

Also, how do I politely ask her not to discuss this with her daughter? My daughter would be mortified if she knew I was talking to her friends mom about this.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Ok. You're in survival mode now. I cannot believe that ANY state in this country would allow a court to mandate that a person stay within a particular county. I can understand not being able to leave the state or something like that but an order like that can limit your ability to gain employment. That is simply NOT right. In fact, it sounds downright unconstitutional!
Well, *I* can move out of the county, I just can't take my children with me, without my ex's and a judge approval.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:25 PM
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Gee this is all such a soap opera, ins't it?

Wish I could find a way to end up profiting from it all someday....hmmm....reality show anyone?
The ultimate way of making lemonade out of lemons?
LOL.

Gotta laugh or I'll be on the floor sobbing.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:26 PM
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My thought is skip the other mother and go straight to the pastor, tomorrow. That way your daughter continues her friendship, and you get straight to the source, avoiding any possible drama with the other mom and her daughter.

Second, make a list tonight (anyone got specific agencies to mention for Stronger?) of agencies in your town, shelters, SCAN (stop child abuse now), and do you have 311, that number that you call to find out who to call for what? Also, you might contact the guidance counselor at one of your kids' schools. They may be able to hook you up with some resources. And call your family. You may need to move to where they are, quickly, and they just might have a way to get you home.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:43 PM
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Is there a Salvation Army shelter in your town? I hate to say lie about it, but maybe a battered women's shelter. You know, you are in fact being abused. You are being abused, by the court order he has against you. You are being abused by his addiction, and your children are being neglected. Furthermore, in his addiction, his character is very toxic and abusive for you and the kiddos.

Lots of people think abuse is just being hit, punched, etc. Domestic violence has a VERY broad definition nowadays, and includes emotional abuse, neglect, torture, witholding of affection, needs, etc from ANY member of your family or household. If you want, PM me, and I will send you a more inclusive list of what Domestic Violence and Abuse entails.

Next, someone mentioned interview clothing. Is there a Dress for Success chapter in your town? Look them on online. Also, ask the pastor if he has space for you and kiddos to stay in church basement maybe? Are there "soup kitchens" that you can eat in? Transitional housing?

Ask your caseworker for a list of community resources for money, housing, food, shelters, places to bathe and wash clothes, free clothing, medical care, etc. I know this is humilitating, very time consuming, and the people along the way at these places, some of these people aren't very endearing. But at least it's a start on the road to self-suffiency.

Also, get help from Legal Aid to get this court order lifted.

Just some suggestions.
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:52 PM
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It does seem you need to get your own plan together cause his plan doesn't seem to be hitting on much.

Don't expect him to come thru for you that way you will not be too disappointed.

Hugs to you I know it is not easy...
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:29 PM
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You can petitition the court for a change in the order. Unless there is good reason not to do it, most judges will agree. Especially if you are planning on moving out of state.

Of course that doesn't help you current situation. (hugs) I too would go and talk to the pastor tomorrow. With a church of that size, I'd be very surprised if they cannot help you in one way or another.

You will get thru this.
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Old 06-01-2008, 07:54 PM
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strongerwoman; i sympathize with you and your situation and your children. the fact that you worry about your ex husband using this to get custody of the kids should set off big alarm bells in your head. i think you and many of us on this forum know too well that it is NOT in childrens best interests to live with an alcoholic/addict. as much as you may believe you care for the current guy, you should put your childrens development first.

Unless your ex is also an addict or has some criminal/significant psychiatric history than think about it, he is paying so your/his children can grow up with an alcoholic.

Not that I am siding with him, but i most certainly am not siding with a parent that knowingly allows their children to live in an environment with an alcoholic.

I do wish your children a better future and for you also.
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:28 PM
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Thumbs down

steve11694

I'm sure you realize situations in life are never so black and white as we'd like them to be.
It would be nice to live in a world where every situation in life is easy to resolve, as you'd like it to be.

My first husband would ONLY want to challenge me for custody because it would relieve him of the child support he so resents paying, mostly the child support his wife so resents them paying.
He is a dry drunk with HUGE anger control and emotional issues and the stories I could tell you about how my girls are treated by his wife while they are with them would make you sick to your stomach with anger, the things that he allows to go on.
And yes, there are the matters of orders of protection I've had to take out on him (my ex husband) due to me seriously fearing for my life (he has guns) in the past -to the point to where I had called my family and friends and had written letters stating that if anything happened to me to look to him as a suspect.

He was the abusive one, he was the crazy, raging alcoholic, smashing the house up on a regualr basis. Smahing his head through our walls, choking me on a regular basis. Thats for starters.
My current husband never did *anything* like that, not that I'm defending any of their crazy alcoholic ways, but no - life in the household they have grown up in with my current husband is a vast improvement over the life they would have had growing up with my first husband, or in his household.
There was a reason I was granted full physical and legal custody.

While my children have not had an ideal/perfect life growing up in our household, it has not been a nightmare either. They are all extremely smart and talented kids (all of them straight A students all the way through school so far, all in the gifted and talented programs), very polite & compassionate and friends to everyone, involved in community service, are mentors at school to other kids who are having problems, are respected camp counselors, are in the Honor Societies and in BETA club, are active in marching band, drama, orchestra, and sports - especially soccer, all play more than one instrument and two are artists. They are the types of kids who will stick up for the kid being bullied while everyone else stands by too afraid to step in.
My oldest is graduating this Friday and won a full academic scholarship to a wonderful private university ($34,000/year!!!!), my fifth grader just received the Citizenship Award - chosen from all the students in the fifth grade classes at her elem. school. I constantly get comments on what a great job I've done raising them, they are loved by everyone who knows them.
I've dedicated my life to raising my kids, to protecting them as much as possible, to giving them as much as I can, and while I'm not perfect and neither are they, I think I've done damn good with what I had.

Your post really felt like a judgemental attack on me and at this point I really don't wish to deal with that kind of crap.
You really don't know much about me, my children or the life we've led, certainly not enough to judge me.
Have my children's lives been affected by the alcoholism of their father and stepfather? Yes. Has it crippled and defined them? No. Will they have issues to deal with/work through from their childhoods as adults? Probably, yes - but ya know, who doesn't? If you had escaped a household with any sort of dysfunction while growing up-you are one lucky person!

From now on, positive, encouraging posts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

When we know better, we do better - I, as well as everyone here, are learning and growing everyday. Doing better everyday.
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Old 06-01-2008, 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
[...] I really want to email my daughters friends mother and ask her if she would put our family on the "urgent prayer" list, as I know they have a huge prayer network at the church.
My problem is, I dont know....it seems so low to ask this woman for prayer, to admit to the mother of my daughters best friend how bad things are here.

So difficult. Do I just say:

Dear xxxx, Our family is really struggling since my AH moved out and I was finishing nursing school. We are on the verge of eviction and could you please place us on the prayer list at church? Thanks so much, xxxx

Does that sound okay? Sounds corney to me.
Is that enough detail? I am usually long-winded and dont want to sound all dramatic and pathetic, ect....

Also, how do I politely ask her not to discuss this with her daughter? My daughter would be mortified if she knew I was talking to her friends mom about this.
This does not sound corny to me at all. It sounds humble and to-the-point. It sounds pretty much like what I asked for not long ago. The fact that she is a pastor means that she will treat your request in confidence.

The recent and sudden end of my relationship challenged me to reach out and ask for help. My pastor and her partner took me in to their own home for a week and a half, and it was a lifesaver for me. It is not low to ask for help, it is not wrong to reach out. My ex was mortified that I would talk to our church family about what she had done to me. "It's none of their business!" she cried. Well guess what -- she doesn't get to dictate to me how and where I get support in a crisis. I received help and support I never thought possible. I encourage you to follow your instincts and send the email. If she gently asks for more information, I would take the opportunity to share. People with the spirit and ability to help need to know help is required. There may be a flood of support awaiting you.

Your daughter may feel uncomfortable with others knowing about the situation, but part of this disease is the isolation it engenders. By reaching out in a crisis, you will be showing her the benefits of trusting safe and supportive people, and she'll experience for herself the miracle of helping others.

You are doing great -- keep posting and telling us what you need.
Karen
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Old 06-01-2008, 10:44 PM
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Your children sound very well grounded and I'm sure that it's because of the love and guidance they received from you.

You write beautifully and are obviously a very intelligent woman. You sound so proud of those kids.....and you should be. But be proud of YOU too! You had a hand in their success as well!

I have no doubt that you will figure your way out of your current situation.

Your sense of humor will pull you through. Don't lose that!

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Old 06-02-2008, 07:02 AM
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Okay, I emailed the woman pastor. Still feel kind of weird about it.
I fear people from the church coming here to my messy, not very nice house, especially unannounced.

I am finishing up personalizing 7 different cover letters on my computer.
After that I am off and running to Kinkos to make copies and then to drop off a bunch resumes and cover letters this afternoon at different facilities that are hiring.
I had called AH last night to ask him if I could use his printer for the resume and cover letter copies and he said he'd give me the money to go get it done.
I cant wait until I dont have to ask him for money anymore.

Wish me luck!

Oh! And I had "forgotten" that I have a '98 Ford minivan in the driveway that has a transmission leak. Rather than mess with it after it happened, I happened upon a great deal to buy a new-to-me used car some time ago.
So, last night I listed it for sale for on craigslist.org for cheap for someone who can fix it.
I've already had 5 inquiries, so that is encouraging. I have it listed for one months rent, but will sell it for about $200 cheaper than that if needed.
It would be awesome if it sells soon!
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Old 06-02-2008, 07:06 AM
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Doesn't it feel good to be proactive! You are doing what you need to do for YOU! Congratulations! Keep up the good work and before you know it.......you will no longer feel dependent on him.

You should be as proud of YOURSELF as you are of those amazing children of yours!

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