vig22

It was on Saturday, guess I just had to admit it to someone. I was almost one week sober. Thought I could control it and handle it. The depression was becoming too much and I felt lost in life. Now I have the most empty feeling of despair and self hate. I can't take this anymore, I really need to stop, and I know I do. But this happens. I would give anything to not have this problem.

Hevyn

Those are normal feelings, you're not alone. We have all walked the path that you're starting out on. Do not despair, it does get better, the depression and dread does ease up! I said to myself in the beginning that if that was as good as I was ever going to feel, pour me a drink! I knew better, of course...I toughed it out, and here I am at almost 5 mos. Sometimes you just have to white-knuckle it. I knew going back to it was not an option for me - I knew I was facing death after all the years I'd tortured my body - so I am highly motivated. Somewhere along the line, hope kicked in. Also, joy, excitement, gratitude, peace & contentment - and all those other good things that seem to elude us when we're trying to seek them through our poison-of-choice. Keep on going, you can do this - and thank you for telling us about your slip. Love, Joanie

supernothing

i had 60+ days and also relapsed on saturday- sending my prayers your way.

Anna

It's normal, I think, to have feelings of depression at one week sober. It's a really difficult time emotionally, but you can get through it. This time, you can be prepared at one week and make a plan so that you can avoid relapsing.

IO Storm

I have said here before that I could have once paved a small bathroom floor

with 30 day AA chips....in my 16 years in and out of recovery.

But the fact is...you are trying.

And I now almost am at the two year mark. Again.

You can make it!

You do not have to give up...and there is hope.

Always there is hope.

Never allow the disease to lie to your head and say otherwise.

My best to you...

And I advise..other than staying here and sharing..

(and please do!)

Get into a program....

Blessings



Sherry

flgirl

Vig,

I only have 12 days and they have been the toughest 12 days of my life. I have been up, down, back and forth. I am not dealing with depression, mostly because I think I was already incredibly depressed and having horrendous panic attacks. I can relate to the needing to stop and the self hate. Please stick around and let us know how you are doing.

vig22

I just don't understand how a single chemical can tear someone apart to this degree. The lowest times of my life revolved around it never have I ever felt such despair and depression. I wish someone could explain it to me outside of a book. Why is it that sadness comes so strong? Nothing even happened really from my drinking this time that I relapsed. Would be viewed as normal by anyone on the outside looking in. But the morning after I feel like this, because I know I can't do it. I'm allergic to it in a way.

DSodaNow

Vig- I know for me that part of why the sadness is so strong is because I have issues with self esteem. The alcohol allows me to numb those issues and not face them. When I am sober the pain I feel from the self esteem issues is intense. I just try to remind myself that I am a person of value....

Maybe you should try to do some healthy pampering today.... go get a pedicure or spend some quality time enjoying yourself (however you like). I personally like to give myself some quiet time with a book. (Although, at first it was weird without my glass of wine.)

This will pass. You have many sober days ahead of you to count on.

Rowan

I remember what it felt like to be newly sober. I still have days where it's a challenge to just sit with the feelings and to not numb them with booze. But - others who had been there assured me that things would get better if I just walked through the pain. And they were right. It's scary and uncomfortable sometimes, but they are just feelings, and they won't kill us. Prepare yourself for the next time you encounter diffiiculty i.e. call a friend, log on here, go for a walk, etc and hopefully you will have an easier time of it. Hang in there - recovery is possible, and is SO worth it.

CarolD

Depression is why I began AA.
Luckly... ...mine was diagnosed
as situational depression.
By 2 or so months it lifted and has not returned.

You might consider asking your doctor about depression.
Have you done that?

By using God and the AA 12 Steps daily
I can keep myself emotionally balanced.

Hope you find your way into a healthy future
Recovery Rocks!

Horselover

Vig22 - No self hatred! Wasted emotion and waste of time. Pick yourself up and try, try again! You can do it. Try to pinpoint where you lost your will and see if you can find a solution for the next time. We're alcoholics. We're not losers. We have a disease and we can recover one day at a time. No first drink.

You can do it Vig22!!! No self hatred! Just love and prayers for you my friend.

Solitudes4th

This is from Dantes' Inferno," Abandon hope, all ye who enter here", They were entering one of the rings of hell and for me; when I allow self loathing and despair to consume me, it's like the drugg have me where they want me. rise above, lift your head to the sky b/c you can overcome. early sobriety is hard!! You feel again, things rush ack, but w/ support and sober friends and a desire to live, you will overcome!!

CarolD

Solitudes4th....Welcome to our recovery community

least

Last December is when I admitted out loud that I had a serious problem and vowed to stop drinking. I can't count the times I relapsed since then, even once when I had 32 days sober. But I now have 18 days and feel like I can make it this time.

What made it different this time is that I didn't "fight" alcohol, I surrendered to it. Vowed never to fight it again. Admitted truthfully and from my heart that I was indeed powerless over alcohol. Now I've put my alcoholism into God's hands as He has power I will never have. I feel safer this way. And the urge to drink is getting less with time passing.

So just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start fresh. Don't waste time hating yourself for your relapse. Self hatred will do more to defeat your resolve to quit than anything. You made a mistake. Learn from it and start over.

All the best to you!:ghug3

four812

hey vig22

i can relate to those wrenching feelings inside....

I'm trying more and more now to sit with those feelings....as soon as they come up I want to run from them. my lifelone habit has been to get high

it's hard to change and sometimes I don't even know if I want to but I am trying and trying harder and harder.

may you fine YOUR answers inside of you.