supernothing

im so sorry- my mum was diagnosed with parkinsons and i used the news as an excuse to slip.
I went out and had a few beers- no black out and i didnt get "drunk" but it is not good news and i should not have done it.
I think the reason i slipped this time is because ive had no support (aside from here) through some extremely difficult situations- i need to get back to meetings and get myself a sponsor- i thought i could go in alone and its clear when push came to shove that i could not.
Trying to dust myself off and start over, im very very angry with myself:praying

flgirl

Super,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. That can't have been easy for you! Please don't beat yourself up. I'm glad that you came back and told us. Please find a meeting and go!

:ghug3

supernothing

im totally terrified of going though

flgirl

Yep...I can totally identify with that feeling! I was so scared to go to my first meeting a week ago Friday, that I could barely talk when the woman next to me asked me if I was new...then she realized it was my first meeting and I was even more terrified! I have no real words of advice, except to say "just go"...what's the worst thing that can happen? I know you are scared, but I also think that you could use all the support you can get right now.

:ghug3

least

I so understand your feelings. I'm tempted but resisting so far. Stress and depression can often make us do things we don't want to do. Just start over. Please don't beat yourself up over this. :ghug

supernothing

how do i go about getting a sponsor? do i need to go to a meeting and ask for one?- so far ive been too shy to speak- im thinking of going to a totally different meeting and just blurting it out before i bottle it (excuse the pun)
:sorry

Thinkingabit

The reason you drank is because you wanted to drink. You chose to have a drink. Next time choose not to do it. It is not easy at first as the alkie and addict is trained to know what will make him/her feel good. So try feeling your feelings next time. It is not fun at first...hell I do not know if the tough spots are ever fun, but you can do it!

If I can do it, you can do it. No amount of support will do it for you. Your choice... your responsibility!

Dust yourself off and remember that this is a learning curve. The more you try the better your odds!

Thinkingabit

supernothing

agreed- i did want to get drunk- im still too stupid to actually DEAL with my problems- despite thinking that i had made progress
I just think that maybe if i could have picked up the phone and called another alkie and or met with one and talked through my feelings i maybe wouldnt havepicked up

Thinkingabit

NOT TOO STUPID!!! It is a behavior and a habit...takes time. Give yourself a great deal of credit here. You are aware that it is causing you trouble. Now you have to find a way out that works for you. So put the bat down please...

You are here, you have learned something and you have today. What are you choosing to do about that?

Thinking...

Anna

You're not stupid at all.

But, it takes some confidence and experience before we can believe that we can get through those tough times without alcohol. At one point, I couldn't imagine not drinking at times like that. I think each time you get through one of those really tough moments, you become stronger and are better able to get through the next one.

Ananda

I dove into a bottle when my son attempted suicide. Not an excuse...just when I drank that is what was going on.

At that point I had no contact with anyone other than the people i worked with. I had stopped practicing the spiritual path I was on and no longer attended aa.

I do believe it would have been different if i had been surounded by people who i could talk to and had a since of my particualr form of spirituality.

So often when people are on here in pain I wish so baddly that i could just be a real person right there to hold them and cry with them. Being a human being, I still do best with people one on one to help when i start to get in those vunderable situations that are likely to become a "reason to drink".

I'm going through a dificult time in one particular area of my life right now and I told my sponsor that if things go badly I will probably ask to come spend a weekend with her to help me thinking and choosing sanely.

In a way we do walk through thesse things alone no matter how many people are around....but friendships can make the road a little less lonely!

supernothing

nobody but you guys and my husband (who drinks alot himself) knows that i have a problem with alcohol.
My family think im completey out of my mind and refuse to believe im alcoholic, i think if im going to suceed at long term sobriety its time i sought out "real people" who i can identify with so that i have a good support network to hand, it would have helped so much to be able to talk through my feelings, before i picked up- but its no excuse- i COULD have come on here i COULD have spent saturday evening at AA and not a bar, but i chose not to.
I just need to get some confidence and strength from somewhere to walk through the doors of a meeting.:praying

supernothing

god the magnitude of what ive done is hitting me now, i cant believe i let all those days go by drinking - i didnt even ENJOY it, i knew all of this would get me to one place yet i still did it, all over again- No wonder alcoholism sends you insane

supernothing

if anyone feels like sharing any hope after relapse stories i would find it very helpful as im feeling extremely despondant now

colagirl

Hang in there, supernothing. I'm just realizing myself that alcohol has a lot to do with why I have a hard time dealing with my problems. I just recently thought back through the past ten years or so and the more significant negative events in my life. I couldn't think of a single one that I didn't respond to with alcohol. I didn't even realize I was doing it. But now I can see that if that's what I've always done, of course it's going to be hard to do something different, especially when it appears on the surface to feel much worse without the alcohol.

I'm really sorry about your mom. Take care of yourself!

DSodaNow

Hi Super- I was at a meeting last night where a guy was coming back in after a relapse. When he introduced himself as in his first 30 days he said, "I'm John, an alcoholic and I need a sponser." I could almost see the weight lifted off his shoulders.

I think you are a very strong person to be able to go back and I do believe that you can succeed. Thank you for sharing your story. I am new to sobriety and that past day have repeatedly had the thought that I could do this without AA. And maybe I can? I don't know.

I hope you have a better day today.

Daddio

Hey Sup. I'm not an official sponsor, but if you ever need a phone number for a voice - just PM me.

I too am sorry to hear about your Mom. Junk like that happening to our parent(s) could be enough of an excuse to send us into the drink. But you know Sup, that is just what it was. An excuse. Nothing else. Your Mom's illness did not trigger anyone else to imbibe. You simply used that to reinforce a desire that was lurking right beneath your emotional radar.

I'm not trying to beat you up. Our whole family here is based on trust, thruth and honesty. I'm asking you to dust yourself off, straighten your hat and get going. Use this as a tool to understand why, so that the next time some emotional trigger is cocked, you won't use the sauce to help you fire it.

Promise me though that you will stop beating yourself up over this. I know that it's hard but you have to. To get yourself healthy.

I'm sending tons of love, prayer and support your way. For both you and your Mum.

supernothing

isnt it astonishing?
My mum gets really ill and i STILL manage to make it all about me me me :wtf2
pretty sick of myself just now.
sorry:sorry

Ananda

Can you maybe smile a little at that thought? I know you are hurting, but just letting a little edge of humor, however black, at ourselves can help begin the healing.

I really do manage to make everything about me alot!

you are just like me....an alchoholic, subject to those strange mental misfires that happen in our minds!

hang in there!:ghug2

Dee74

I drank for 15 years super...I gave it up at least once a week...always went back.... eventually I got it LOL.

The thing is...you can only lose, if you stop fighting Until then it's always game on

I'm not an AAer so I can't help you there - just wanted to say with the advances in treatment over the last 10 years Parkinsons is much less a trial than it used to be.

Thoughts to you and your mother.