tejay92630

I confronted my AH on 5/18 about his drinking. The talk didn't go well (see my previous thread Time to Confront My AH) but he quit drinking 5/19 and stayed sober until 5/26 when he said he'd "been good and deserved a few". He drank 7 beers that day in about a 2 hour period and then stopped.

His mood swings were BRUTAL during his sober period and I can't even tell you how awful last weekend was with his volatile temper. No, he's not physically abusive. But his temperamental outbursts were almost more than I could bear. I was on the verge of giving him a beer just to shut him up and calm him down. But I didn't.

He had to work out of town last week and was gone Tuesday thru Friday and got home Friday afternoon around 3:30. When I got home at 5:30 he had a beer in his hand. From what I could tell he drank 7 beers and stopped drinking around 6:30. I didn't say anything to him about his drinking because there's no point.

This afternoon he started drinking between 1:00 – 2:00 and had at least 15 beers by 5:30 and as I'm typing this he's passed out in bed. Plus, I don't know for sure, but I think he drank when he was out of town.

I'm disgusted, angry and hurt. I don't know what to do anymore...

hmbld

I feel your pain, but all you can do is do for you. I know it sounds cliche' but that is really all you can do. I spent over ten years begging, pleading, demanding, and obsessing. All it ever did was make me ill. You have to figure out a way to stop letting it matter what HE does and start to take control over what YOU do. Sounds simple, but it is the hardest thing I ever did, and it most certainly didn't happen over night. You take baby steps.

Hang in there.

Barbara52

Do you enjoy tracking every beer/drink he takes? What do you get out of it? Is that the role you envisioned for yourself when you married him? Is that what you want to do going forward?

He will drink or not drink regardless of what you say or don't say, do or don't do. You cannot change him, control him or cure him. He is an adult responsibile for his choices.

You are also an adult responsible for your choices. Only you can decide if this is the way you want to live, if this is the best you deserve.

tejay92630

Barabara, thanks for the tough love.

No, I don't enjoy tracking every drink. I counted because I was wondering if he was going to make an effort or if he was even attempting to cut back on his drinking. And presently this isn't the life I want. My father was an alcoholic and when I talked with my husband about his drinking I told him I watched my mother go through this and I swore I'd never be married to a man like that.

However, I love my husband (when he's sober) and I'm not a quitter. I don't tuck tail and run when things get rough. I refuse to walk away from 11 years of marriage without trying to make things work. But right now I'm extremely frustrated and I don't know what to do at this point.

Leaving always "sounds" easy.

Barbara52

I didn't say anything about you having to leave. I chose to but that is me. There are others in here and plernty at AlAnon meetings who do not choose to leave their A. But changing the focus from your AH to yourself might be helpful.. You can learn healthier ways to live with your AH regardless of what he choose to do.

peaceteach

tejay, there is no "cutting back" with an alcoholic, honey. None. It is progressive, progressive, progressive. Keep reading. He CAN'T do it. It's either drinking full speed ahead, more and more with increasingly worse behaviors and bizarre events, or complete abstinence. That's it, just those 2 choices.

cmc

Hi tejay,
I'm not going to tell you to walk away either. What I am going to say is that nobody can control what somebody else does. If your idea of working things out involves helping him stop or even moderate his use, my experience and that of anyone else I know of...is that it won't work. If it did none of us would be here.

I used to get frustrated too, when my son was active in his addiction. I got frustrated because all the love and all my best efforts did nothing to change him, did nothing to protect him from harming himself but....it did harm me. I had to stop trying to fix things and focus on myself. I did that over time and as my life became unmanageable ...I gradually gave up a losing battle. I won my freedom and I also allowed my son to take care of himself...or to not take care of himself.

You say that leaving is the easy way out...and actually I don't think there is an easy way out whether somebody stays with a spouse or not. There is a better way, though and that is to place my focus and my energy on things that I actually _can_ change...ie. 'myself' or yourself.

Desparate situations often require my to take a good hard look at things. I had a few situations that shook me up enough to be willing to change. I had to 'hit bottom' a few times in order to snap out of the denial I was in...and I was in it for sure.

I hope you will continue to stick around, read as many posts as you can and also take a look at the stickies. The sticky threads are full of resources and members' favorites- threads that have proven to be invaluable to many of us are up there.

Here is one that is very helpful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

tejay92630

Thanks for all your posts. Tomorrow's a new day. Hopefully I can clear my head and redirect my focus away from the negative and work on positive change for ME.

strongerwoman

I felt the same way. 14 years of marriage, raising 7 kids fulltime (his, mine and ours - 1 in a wheelchair permanently with lifelong problems) and dammit, I was not going to just walk away, there was so much invested. There were so many children depending on me (us), I wasn't going to admit "defeat" I wasnt going to let the naysayers "win."
I wasnt going to let all of the children have another divorce in their lives, I didn't want their family base broken up again. There was much at stake. I thought I could control it all, I thought I could hold us all together if I was strong enough.
I didn't want to be divorced for the 2nd time. I didn't want to admit, mostly to myself, that this was NOT working - for anyone. Wasnt working for me, for him or for the kids.
I am so stubborn and a fighter and wasn't going down easy. My friends and family can't believe I lived for so many wasted years with what I did. Can not believe the things I endured, for the sake of my marriage. Because I loved him, and still do.

And I hung in there. And hung in and hung in. For YEARS!
Accepted so many of my boundaries to be trampled over time and again, boundaries pushed back further and further. Things I swore I would never accept in my life became acceptable.
I watched my "functional" AH's behavior become more bizarre, heard more lies, drove myself CRAZY trying to understand the un-understandable.
For years.....years wasted.
It is true that this is a progressive disease. Unless deep down my AH wants soberity and saneness more than anything in the world & gets himself intense help/recovery, there is NOTHING I can do in this relationship except step back and work on me.

Leaving IS way easier said than done. I know. But finally enough was enough, too many lines got crossed, too many lies got told, too many hurtful behaviors....
Even though I am completely alone without any help (family & friends all out of state), even though my whole entire world was built upon my AH & I depended on him for EVERYTHING, even though I am on the brink of eviction with no where to go with my daughters, even though I dont have two nickles to rub together, it had to be done - for MY sanity.

No one here can tell you that you should leave or not, but we can share our experiences with all of the similar patterns and behaviors.

What I'm saying is that this is out of your hands. All you can do is take care of you. Hugs!

strongerwoman

And Amen to that!

Kindeyes

Once we finally come to the conclusion that our loved one is an alcoholic, we have choices. We can either continue to try to control that which is out of control or we can take control of that which we can. It is an individual choice.

I love the variation on the serenity prayer that talks about this issue. I don't know if I'll get this right but I'll try.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the people I can
And the wisdom to know.....it's me.

That doesn't look right. If someone can fix it and quote it properly, please do.

gentle hugs

LaTeeDa

One thing I learned the hard way--it's not about them, it's about me. Staying or leaving isn't the key, it can be an effect, but not a cause. See, when I kicked my husband out after 18 years, I thought that's it. Problem solved. I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't know if I had learned to focus on myself and my own strengths and weaknesses sooner if my marriage could have been saved. But I do know that ending my marriage did not solve my problems.

My deep underlying issues were there with or without an alcoholic husband. It's been nearly three years since we split. I feel like an entirely new person, with a chance to have a wonderful life. And that is because, finally, I faced myself. Not because I left him.

L

DesertEyes

That's exactly the way I've heard it, Kindeyes, and exactly the way it works for me in my life.

Mike

DesertEyes

Hello tejay, and pleased to meet you

I'm totally with you on that, tejay. I'm not going to give you any advice either, that's not what we are here for. All I can tell you is the lessons I learned about _me_ so you can pick and choose what works for you.

I stayed with my ex for years, because I also wanted to work it out. What I did wrong has nothing to do with my decision to stay. What I did wrong was the actions I took _while_ I stayed. I knew nothing about "boundaries", and even less about "detachment". I did not know that while most of my reasons for staying were correct, a few of them were un-healthy.

Today I know that I was plain arrogant and pig-headed in not looking for help in al-anon and other sources of support. Clearly, you are doing what I did not by searching for help here on SR. By the time I found SR and al-anon it was too late for my marriage. Far too late. But it was not too late for me.

What helped me recover from the insanity of my own codie-ness was all the wisdom you can find by reading the sticky's right here on SR. I attended al-anon with a fury, but there are other sources of recovery out there you may wish to explore. Some people recover thru therapy, others use CODA, and still others use a combination of all of the above. Check them all out, and make your own "recipe".

And by the way, if anybody tries to force a solution upon you, regardless of how good their intentions may be, that's a violation of SR rules and al-anon principles. Feel free to use the "ignore" feature here on SR, or ask a Mod to help out. We are here to educate and support each other in finding our own solutions, nothing more.

Mike

woa

I was reading the posts regarding tracking how much they drink...although I am not a shining example of anything, probably do everything wrong anyways, but I can at least sympathize on a few things. I have counted how many drinks my ah has had on many occasions, simply because I was honestly wondering if I should call 911. After he has passed out, downing enough to be unconscious, cold and barely breathing.
I realized I could not control his drinking, but one thing I could try to control was going to sleep next to someone who would not wake up in the morning. So it became a subconscious habit. Making sure he was breathing, checking his temp, going over how much I thought he drank and trying to figure out if he was ok based on his weight, etc..

steve11694

The dream to control an active alcoholic is an illusion that can be pursued but never attained.