Daddio

I want y'all to know how much I have enjoyed this site. All of you are just wonderful people. But I feel as though I have approached yet another crossroad on my journey. I have stepped aside, taken off my backpack and am leaning against the tree. Perhaps y'all can help.

I am now at day 586. I am open to everyone about my recovery, yet have never considered myself a "Born Again Drinker". If you know what I mean. I don't go out of my way to avoid places where there is alcohol, nor do I avoid my friends that do drink. I have had some "anchor/trigger moments" and will avoid those situations. Or at least try them out to see if I'm ready for it. For the most part I think I'm doing OK.

Here's what I need. At what point does one cut off relationships with people that aren't on board with my journey? Let me explain. I had a friend last weekend at the lake tell me that he thought I had been lying about my sobriety for all this time. I was just taken aback. Now he was drinking and we know that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. However, this is not the first "comment" that I have had from him. There has been another person that said nobody wants to hear from a former drinker. One guy even said I was a weenie for not drinking. All of these were different times, different places and different people. And these are just a few out of many. Most are supportive.

Trust me when I tell you that I'm not a codependent person. I have been friends with these people for years and the majority of the time have a good relation with them. But I am feeling the need to cut the cord.

I may have answered my own question just by putting this in print. But any thoughts would be appreciated.

Daddio

Ananda

I haven't had that experience as I drank alone...My brother however doesn't think an alchoholic is anything but a weak person. Just doesn't get it. I just don't discuss it with him unless he brings it up and then I just try to be honest...though i'm not very good at it.

Hevyn

Hi Daddio - it's been a great pleasure to "know" you too - I always enjoy the things you have to say.

My first reaction was to be defensive on your behalf. They sound very thoughtless & downright mean, not worthy of your friendship. Of course, I don't know the whole story, how far back you go with them, etc. I know with my friends, some of them seem jealous that I've confronted my drinking issues, after years of being out of control like they still are. When they see me doing great, it makes them very uncomfortable & uneasy. One friend seems downright angry with me for getting better. Go figure. If they are true friends, how can they not be happy to see me living a more sane life? But no, they feel left behind. Maybe I'm no fun anymore? (Nah, that couldn't be possible.....) I guess what I'd do is give each one a chance to redeem themselves by telling them how you feel & seeing what the reaction is, if there's any improvement. After that, onward and upward without them, Daddio - you don't need anyone bringing you down.

flgirl

Hi Daddio,

Not too sure I have any real words of advice, since I am so new, but it sounds to me like you just may have answered your own question. Doesn't seem very healthy to me to continue relationships with people who are not supportive or are just down right mean. Ananda and I have similar drinking backgrounds, so I haven't experienced that, either. I know you'll do what is best for you and your sobriety. I know you've been a HUGE help in mine

:ghug3

Chris1971

Well Daddio I don't want to influence your decision, but I will share my thoughts on what I do for myself. I for one can't stand when someone is critical of something positive that another is doing, no matter if it's in their personal or professional life. If you want to quit drinking, who are they to criticize? Do you go on and on about their decision to keep drinking? No. I think it's the worst possible form of disrespect to a friendship to make comments based on ignorance. Personally, when someone is that idiotic around me, they only get one warning then they're out. Good luck to you.

laurie6781

I have found over almost 27 years sober, that when I hear comments like you posted, it is usually people, that my not drinking IS MAKING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE and they do NOT want to look at their own drinking.

I have also found that those people are toxic to me. I have no need nor want to be around them.

Yes, I still patronize establishments that have drinking, if I have a LEGITIMATE reason for being there. Usually a good band that some of my friends (drinkers and non drinkers, but not practicing alkies) and I want to hear, or someone is having a celebration, etc.

It's been a while now since I have heard any comments like that, the last one maybe 3 or 4 years ago. I looked the guy, and yes it was a guy, right in the eye and said "looks like your problem not mine" and walked away.

People like you have mentioned are NOT YOUR FRIENDS.

J M H O

Glad you posted about this.

Love and hugs,

DSodaNow

Jeez... that seems a bit harsh!

But I do agree. This is a stress that you don't need in your life. But I would give them a chance to hear how you feel before you drop them.

I haven't had to experience this yet... hopefully I won't.

Anna

I think it's just really sad. Personally, I believe, if someone is your friend, they will be happy for your success. They won't make comments like that. One of the blessings of recovery for me, has been to distinguish between people who are my friends and those who are toxic to me.

Chris1971

After reading Hevyn's post, I have to concur with them 100% I'm not passing judgement on your friend, but it is a fact that people who are stalled in life, as in not making any progress in their day to day living will become very jealous of anyone who is. They see your success as a slap in the face to them. Maybe you can help pull this person up to your level. But I think it's wise to look at this from a long term view. Is this the way this person has always behaved? Do they constantly need to be coddled, or are they happy and successful in their own right? Once again, all the best.

Dsodanow. I can understand that sounding harsh, I really can. Mostly I've had to use this method in a professional atmosphere. As up until recently I would always be the first to join the party. I've always made sure to be supportive of any decisions my friends have made in the past, even when I knew it would lead to failure. And I would always make myself available should things go badly. However, I expect no less from my friends when I'm the one making decisions.

Daddio

Thanks y'all for the input. I have considered talking to the one guy. Just don't know if it would do any good or it's worth the effort. But I feel you guys are right in that these folks are toxic and are perhaps really not my friends.

I guess I'll just turn the page on this one.

Time to put my pack back on. Got places to go.

Rusty Zipper

daddy-o Bingo!

for me, i was in that same boat, and thought what was i doing?
(scratching chin}

then as i grew in my way, and others went their way...

or stayed stuck on stuck...

a new friendship base was born...

ohoh, once in the old blue moon a old friend calls, i'm there for them... up to a point...

i'm the new reconstructed me!

the boundry bit!

good wishes jeff...

pat

LosingmyMisery

I have been very lucky and have very supportive friends. They watched my life spiral downward and saw how alcohol was ruining my life. They were very concerned for me. I can't imagine them saying anything negative about my progress. They were nothing but supportive of me. When I was at my worst, I found out who my friends truly were.

gravity

I have/had friends that are recovering alcoholics, abstainers, moderate drinkers, heavy drinkers, and active alcoholics. I would consider the source of these comments and if these people are a threat to my sobriety. Sound like you have that figured out.

I would expect someone with a drinking problem to make negative comments about my sobriety. When I was drinking, I sure didn't respect someone's sobriety efforts - had more of a "he will be back" attitude. Jealousy? Maybe. I wanted someone to drink with? Yes, often. Couldn't comprehend sobriety? Definitely. Today, I would cut these people out of my life.

I would also expect someone without a drinking problem to make the occassional callous remark. They don't know first hand the demon we face. We are all human and God knows, I've made some unthinking comments about other's struggles with their own issues. For example, I don't understand gambing addictions or eating disorders and I have said some dumb stuff to people - just not thinking. Personally, if a lifelong friend said "I wasn't fun anymore" in an off-hand way, I would let it go. Nobody's perfect.

The further I get in my sobriety, I find that certain friendships are fading away while others are getting stronger. I'm also making friends in AA. It seems so natural, like it was meant to be this way. It's amazing how life works sometimes.

NoelleR

"... I have considered talking to the one guy. Just don't know if it would do any good or it's worth the effort..."

If you are referring to the guy who, thought you had been lying about your sobriety for all this time, well, then, you just stole my thunder; that was exactly what I would suggest.....why he would think such a thing; perhaps he wants it too (sdobriety), but doesn't know how to go about it - great time for you to do a bit of 'promoting' ..... lol

Now....as to the other two statements.....: 1) "...nobody wants to hear from a former drinker..." 2) "...One guy even said I was a weenie for not drinking..."

Well, to me, these are what I usually call 'male, macho, !!@#$%^& , and since there's not a whole lot that can be done about it, I usually ignore it. As to cutting these guys out of your 'circle of friends' well I guess it would come down to......do they ALWAYS make 'nonsense' statements like these, not just to/about you but at others too....(not my kinda friends), however, if it was just a slip of the tongue (perhaps even fraudian), then perhaps I might give them another chance (and I probable would want to speak with them at some time in the future....). I have to remember that many things (like offensive language) are subjective.....it always helps to be on the same page.

Well, daddio, it's time I make like a tree and leave.....


See You On The Flip-Side..... (o:
NoelleR

mikedshadow3

Being in a position where I've not yet achieved sobriety this may not be of help, but it sounds to me like a touch of jealousy that you've gotten to that point. Maybe that was an awkward cry for help? I have a picture in my head of that scenario.

I don't know, most of my friends are heavy drinkers and I imagine that if I pull this off (getting sober) I'll get a similar reaction, then maybe later, once they are relatively convinced that I actually have gone sober, a question pertaining to "how did you do it" will arise? We've all (friends and I) talked over the years about quitting, but have pretty much decided that it is a useless idea.

I'd let it go and see how things turn out next time you run into each other.

least

Daddio, I would love to share my experience but since I was a home alone drinker I have none. I find the responses so far to be right on the money as to my feelings on your problem. I can't put it any better than has already been said. The best to you in deciding what to do and how to go about it. But if these people are truly your good friends, they would not be so cruel and thoughtless and derogatory to you. You need and deserve support and love, not mean remarks from "friends".

You deserve better.:ghug3

kj3880

Well, as you know, yesterday my sig. other broke up with me because I won't stop going to meetings and seem "obsessed with my recovery." So I totally feel for you. It can seem to be a lonely road we walk down down when others in our lives are still using/drinking, and make fun of us for being the party poopers. That's why I keep going to meetings, so I can make sure I realize I'm not the only one sober on Saturday night. You're doing good though, hanging in there. I have to stay away from people that are critical of my recovery right now, because it can make me doubt myself. So I do suggest you get some distance from them for now. Hey, you know what? Maybe we'll see them all in meetings sometime in the future when they've had enough. We can always hope for them, without staying where they are at. Love from,
kj

tanyapmc

With friends like that..........

Personally I don't think I could remain friends with someone that doesn't trust me.

I too think you answered your own question.

Congrats on your sobriety!

Ananda

I've sorta been thinking about this, and you know....I guess i wouldn't be suprised if a friend questioned my sobriety...but thats just cause i lied and said i was sober all the time when i wasn't .... at 10mos, i can see why they might quesiton it. when i appologized for my past lying about this one of my friends expressed that she was angry at first. but the friends i had are by my side and support me...just have reason not to trust me. (except one friend that i drunk dialed and lied one too many times....i haven't spoken to her yet as i want some sober time before i talk to her.

just some further stuff i remembered.

thanks for making me think.

CarolD

When I was a heavy drinker...all my friends also drank excessively.
Since I quit...26 have died from alcohol related causes.

4 were interested in quitting...went to a few meetings with me
but never actually stayed sober over a few months.

We did drift apart as I found new non drinking
friends who shared my new lifestyle and goals.

However...
My best friend of 42 years now has a year sober!
And she can't stand AA....

I find dealing with nay sayers keeps me emotionally drained