First time post!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
First time post!
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to try a post and let you know what has brought me here.
My 27 yr old son is finding himself and his dog with no where to live today. The story is long and the lies are numerous, it's really hard to know what to believe any more. He is such a funny, emotional, loveable guy that is it sooo hard for me to turn my back. I have depleted all of my financial resources over the past 2 yrs trying to help him out and it has gotten me no where. But I still love him . . . how do I do this? How do I carry on each day? Where will he sleep tonight?
He is living about 40 miles north of me, moved there a month ago because a lady through his ex-girlfriends brother said he could stay in her unfinished basement. She wants him out now-he says he has just started a full time job at a landscaping business but doesn't get paid for 2 wks.
I talked with him this a.m. and he said he was moving the last of his boxes to a friends garage, he told me not to spend my day panicing about this. He was doing what he had to do. But, I still feel like a failure as a mother and scared.
Thanks for being here to listen.
Just wanted to try a post and let you know what has brought me here.
My 27 yr old son is finding himself and his dog with no where to live today. The story is long and the lies are numerous, it's really hard to know what to believe any more. He is such a funny, emotional, loveable guy that is it sooo hard for me to turn my back. I have depleted all of my financial resources over the past 2 yrs trying to help him out and it has gotten me no where. But I still love him . . . how do I do this? How do I carry on each day? Where will he sleep tonight?
He is living about 40 miles north of me, moved there a month ago because a lady through his ex-girlfriends brother said he could stay in her unfinished basement. She wants him out now-he says he has just started a full time job at a landscaping business but doesn't get paid for 2 wks.
I talked with him this a.m. and he said he was moving the last of his boxes to a friends garage, he told me not to spend my day panicing about this. He was doing what he had to do. But, I still feel like a failure as a mother and scared.
Thanks for being here to listen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi JMF~~~I hear you about the failure as a mom but your NOT!!!! I have been dealing with my son (31) and his drug addiction for a few years now and have helped so much and it has gotten me nowhere but more tears and heartaches. He finally went to rehab last summer and I know he has relapsed a few times but I have stopped the "Bank", gone to therapy for myself and am stopping the co-dependant behavior I have. We all want the best for our children but having addicts makes us nutty. YOU have to take care of you....and that means getting invovled with alanon (if you want to)))) and learning on here all you can. It has helped tremendously and my son knows now that he has to make his way. It sounds like your son does also. He's alive and thats what counts right now. Living somewhere that he has figured out is an OK thing......love him but take care of you too......Hugs, Bonnie
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
JMFBurns
Welcome to our forum and welcome to our world.
First off you must never feel you are alone. You are in good company. Company that has been where you are many, many times and have walked in your shoes for miles.
It's a very difficult thing for a Mother to "let go" of her child, no matter how old they are. My son is 45 years old, and I'm just now learning after 30 years that there isn't anything more I can do for him except let him find his own way.
Best thing, but our hardest lesson is to let them make their own choices and let them be responsible for their own decisions. How else will they learn, and how else will they know the difference between the good life and the bad life unless we let them go!
I've done the money thing for years! I've fallen for every lie in the book, including some not even in the book yet! In the end, the result was the same! The money was for drugs!
Oh and the job thing! Each Friday of every single week, month, etc., my son was starting a new job on Monday! However, Monday wasn't in his week because Monday never came. Lies, lies, lies! In the meantime, why wouldn't a loving-mom send money just to tide him over 'till he gets his first paycheck?? Why?? Because there was never a job!
Oh, and the living in various places thing?? Don't panic because they are very resourceful and find places to stay. Maybe not to our liking, but they do find places to flop for a while. My son once called and told me he was going to stay in a storage unit! I panicked too because I thought "how will he breath?!" So funny! And when they say, "don't panic" you say, OK!!
I guarantee when you don't show any signs of panic, he'll think of something else to throw at you until you do panic! Panic equals money!
In short, it would be great for you to find a meeting somewhere and surround yourself with others that are in the same place as you are. Meetings help you cope. Meetings help you learn to take care of yourself first. Meetings help teach you that you didn't cause this and you can't control it nor can you cure it!
Keep checking in and let us know how you're doing.
Remember, what is going to happen will happen no matter what we do or say. Trust in your HP that He has a plan for your son, and turn the worry over to Him.
Hugs & Prayers, Devastated
First off you must never feel you are alone. You are in good company. Company that has been where you are many, many times and have walked in your shoes for miles.
It's a very difficult thing for a Mother to "let go" of her child, no matter how old they are. My son is 45 years old, and I'm just now learning after 30 years that there isn't anything more I can do for him except let him find his own way.
Best thing, but our hardest lesson is to let them make their own choices and let them be responsible for their own decisions. How else will they learn, and how else will they know the difference between the good life and the bad life unless we let them go!
I've done the money thing for years! I've fallen for every lie in the book, including some not even in the book yet! In the end, the result was the same! The money was for drugs!
Oh and the job thing! Each Friday of every single week, month, etc., my son was starting a new job on Monday! However, Monday wasn't in his week because Monday never came. Lies, lies, lies! In the meantime, why wouldn't a loving-mom send money just to tide him over 'till he gets his first paycheck?? Why?? Because there was never a job!
Oh, and the living in various places thing?? Don't panic because they are very resourceful and find places to stay. Maybe not to our liking, but they do find places to flop for a while. My son once called and told me he was going to stay in a storage unit! I panicked too because I thought "how will he breath?!" So funny! And when they say, "don't panic" you say, OK!!
I guarantee when you don't show any signs of panic, he'll think of something else to throw at you until you do panic! Panic equals money!
In short, it would be great for you to find a meeting somewhere and surround yourself with others that are in the same place as you are. Meetings help you cope. Meetings help you learn to take care of yourself first. Meetings help teach you that you didn't cause this and you can't control it nor can you cure it!
Keep checking in and let us know how you're doing.
Remember, what is going to happen will happen no matter what we do or say. Trust in your HP that He has a plan for your son, and turn the worry over to Him.
Hugs & Prayers, Devastated
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((JMFburns)))
I'm so glad you found us, welcome to Sober Recovery! It's a wonderful place with alot of parents traveling the same road you are on. I'm one of them.
My oldest son, is 34, almost 35, and I've been where you are now.
Wonderful posts above me, but let me add, it took me a VERY long time to start saying no, and let my son face the consequences of his actions.
It's so hard for us, when we think we actually can "help" them, but in reality, we are doing harm, by enabling them. We are actually financing their habits. (it took me quite a while to figure that one out...
)
Hugs to you, keep posting, find a Alanon, or Naranon meeting,
glad you're here!
I'm so glad you found us, welcome to Sober Recovery! It's a wonderful place with alot of parents traveling the same road you are on. I'm one of them.
My oldest son, is 34, almost 35, and I've been where you are now.
Wonderful posts above me, but let me add, it took me a VERY long time to start saying no, and let my son face the consequences of his actions.
It's so hard for us, when we think we actually can "help" them, but in reality, we are doing harm, by enabling them. We are actually financing their habits. (it took me quite a while to figure that one out...
)Hugs to you, keep posting, find a Alanon, or Naranon meeting,
glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Scottsdale, az
Posts: 8
My son (in recovery) will tell you himself that users are the most resourceful people on earth, and the best manipulaters around! He laughs ruefully when he speaks about how no matter what his situation, he was able to find a source of drugs, money for drugs, a way to get them, and the means to use them.
Reading your post, I was struck by the fact that your son managed to keep you well updated on his predicament. Does he always keep in touch so well? Or was he making sure that he was tugging at your heartstrings? They are so good at that. My son always knew how to push the my buttons, like I was an ATM. Until I closed up shop. And it wasn't easy to turn a deaf ear - but it had to be.
He wrote me a loving, grateful note recently, and I realized that he thanked me for believing in him when he was unable to believe in himself. Nowhere in his note did he thank me for bailing him out, giving him cash, helping him eat....if you get my drift. What we have to do with the addicts in our lives is counter-intuitive, because it means saying "no" to the neediest people we know, and we love them, and we think we have to fix them. And they are good at making us feel anxious and guilty. That's when we have to resort to the serenity prayer and lean on those who know our struggles.
I wish you strength, fellowship, patience (with yourself), and comfort.
Maxine
Reading your post, I was struck by the fact that your son managed to keep you well updated on his predicament. Does he always keep in touch so well? Or was he making sure that he was tugging at your heartstrings? They are so good at that. My son always knew how to push the my buttons, like I was an ATM. Until I closed up shop. And it wasn't easy to turn a deaf ear - but it had to be.
He wrote me a loving, grateful note recently, and I realized that he thanked me for believing in him when he was unable to believe in himself. Nowhere in his note did he thank me for bailing him out, giving him cash, helping him eat....if you get my drift. What we have to do with the addicts in our lives is counter-intuitive, because it means saying "no" to the neediest people we know, and we love them, and we think we have to fix them. And they are good at making us feel anxious and guilty. That's when we have to resort to the serenity prayer and lean on those who know our struggles.
I wish you strength, fellowship, patience (with yourself), and comfort.
Maxine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Thanks to all
Thank you to everyone for your experience, strength, hope, kind words and thoughts. I appreciate it. I read the posts and messages from others and alternate from feeling good about where I'm at and feeling bad because I don't feel strong. It is a hard road and I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed! ARGH!
But I'll try to visit here more and keep attending my Alanon meeting.
Thanks!
But I'll try to visit here more and keep attending my Alanon meeting.
Thanks!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome! You are not a failure as a mom, please drop that thought. I understand it; been there, but the more I learned about this horrible disease, the more I understood the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.
As tough as it may be to experience, letting him face the consequences of his actions is the best way to help him get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and find recovery. And while he is busy finding his way, might I suggest you keep up with those Alanon meetings? The face to face support from people who understand is amazing. Hugs.
As tough as it may be to experience, letting him face the consequences of his actions is the best way to help him get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and find recovery. And while he is busy finding his way, might I suggest you keep up with those Alanon meetings? The face to face support from people who understand is amazing. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
Welcome JMF. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but am glad you found us. I am the mom of a 22 year old recovering addict. I remember the feelings your having. Believe it or not, it is possible to "let go & let God" and still love your son. It takes practice, but it can happen. It is also possible for you to have a life of your own. One where every breath you take doesn't revolve around addiction. Please read the stickies at the top and don't be afraid to come ask questions, or just plain ol vent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am another mom here with a 37yr. old addict. it took me a lot of yrs. also to learn to let go & let God. my son has been an addict for 15yrs. i also spent & gave everything i had trying to fix him before i found out i couldn't. today i am working my recovery trying to take care of me while he is in jail with that revolving door waiting trial. please keep coming back. we r here for you. save yourself,u can not save him. prayers for u & your son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome to our group. You are not alone. As you've read from the posts, there are lots of us!!
keep coming back, this place is always open, noone judges, and those who have walked before us always come back to help us get to the other side.
susan
keep coming back, this place is always open, noone judges, and those who have walked before us always come back to help us get to the other side.
susan
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Welcome, and so sorry you have to go through this...Mom here of a 17 yr old addict...I know exactly what you mean when you said He is such a funny, emotional, loveable guy My son is the same and I think that makes it all that much harder because we have always had a great relationship. Just take it a day at a time, the people here are great and have such wonderful advice and they care.
Please don't ever feel like you are a failure, this is a disease and it is out of your control only he can control it. It is alright to feel scared; I know I do at times. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
Please don't ever feel like you are a failure, this is a disease and it is out of your control only he can control it. It is alright to feel scared; I know I do at times. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
It sounds like he knows what he needs to do so let him alone! The more you help the more he'll resent what you are doing. If he falls on his face it was his choice, if he suceeds in what he is doing he will be a proud peacock and either way will learn emensley(sp) from his own choice.
when everyone says step away from the addict it is for not only our benefit but theirs as well.
good luck
when everyone says step away from the addict it is for not only our benefit but theirs as well.
good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I just dont understand how I'm supposed to go through MY day and be normal??? I'm so scared for him but at the same time there is NOTHING I can do. I have no money, my daughter will NOT let him in our apt. (good thing really!) But he calls me and he's desperate about where he's gonna sleep and that he's hungry and then he gets angry and then we just hang up with nothing else to say. I feel alone and sad and wish I had a million dollars to give him and he would just go away. How did it get this bad, I did the best I could, still am . . . I get up and bus to work every day & try to pay the important bills . . . gotta stop the pity party!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I had to let go of my daughter and it was really hard. She spent 2 and a half years with a man that was 17 years older than she was. He made a 6 figure income and is a crack addict. He supplied my daughter with all the heroin and oxycontin she wanted. I never thought that she would ever leave that life, but she did get tired of it and she did leave, went to rehab and is now in a halfway house. I did not help her for 2 and a half years and it just killed me to see her losing more and more of the things that makes a person a human. I did not give her money or pick up the pieces of her life, but I did tell her that I loved her and I did tell her that we would help when she was ready to help herself. I know things could change with her in a heartbeat and that is something that I need to be ready for. But just for today she is doing well and she is trying. Your son can get to that point but only when he is ready. If my daughter could walk away from the drugs and the lifestyle, your son can too. Hugs and prayers coming your way. Marle
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
JMFBurns,
Welcome and I've glad that you have found us. I am married to a recovering addict but know of the suffering that his family went through all the years of his active addiction. Please try not to blame yourself - he made the choices to use. There are many moms here that have lots of ESH to pass on. Take care of yourself and keep coming back. I am amazed and inspired by the recovery that I see in so many of the people that post here.
Hugs
Welcome and I've glad that you have found us. I am married to a recovering addict but know of the suffering that his family went through all the years of his active addiction. Please try not to blame yourself - he made the choices to use. There are many moms here that have lots of ESH to pass on. Take care of yourself and keep coming back. I am amazed and inspired by the recovery that I see in so many of the people that post here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((JMF)))
I know it pulls at your heartstrings when he calls, saying he has nowhere to sleep or anything to eat. But as a recovering addict, I can tell you we are very resourceful! I usually chose to get high, rather than buy food or rent a hotel room. My dad would come visit me, every few months, buy us lunch and we would eat it in the park.
He has to accept that he's in this position because of HIS actions.
This is going to sound crazy, but I do feel bad about his dog...IT didn't choose this lifestyle.
I promise you, your son will find a way to survive. If he gets sick of his circumstances, he can change them. The best way for him to get sick of this life, is to live it without anyone making it easier.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know it pulls at your heartstrings when he calls, saying he has nowhere to sleep or anything to eat. But as a recovering addict, I can tell you we are very resourceful! I usually chose to get high, rather than buy food or rent a hotel room. My dad would come visit me, every few months, buy us lunch and we would eat it in the park.
He has to accept that he's in this position because of HIS actions.
This is going to sound crazy, but I do feel bad about his dog...IT didn't choose this lifestyle.
I promise you, your son will find a way to survive. If he gets sick of his circumstances, he can change them. The best way for him to get sick of this life, is to live it without anyone making it easier.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
((((JMF)))))
Another mom here. I have a 22 year old AS. I have gone through so many of those feelings as you have. That feeling of failure is so tied to our Codie belief that we have control, so if they fail ,then we have failed as parents. Thats a hard one for me and I struggle with it.
The next toughest feeling I am faced with is not helping him with his basic needs. And because of this he knows he can push that button so that I will help him with food, clothing, roof over his head etc. ( Heck, feed, clothe, and shelter those less fortunate, has always pulled at my heartstrings so you can imagine how easy it is to want to help my own son!.)
The problem is the "help" I give him just postpones his journey toward a better life and instead gives him a chance to use again and ignore the problem.
It was hard at first because the guilt was huge from both emotional feelings but I am learning.
Many days I wanted to pull the covers over my head because the pain and fear was so great. I didn't think I could live with knowing how he was living. It was as if a piece of me was going through his suffering. Other days I thought of ways I could get him out of the mess and save him.
But his life isn't mine and I am not going through his ordeal. So I cannot help him I can only help me.
Hiding under the covers and choosing not to live my life because his was failing or trying to make his life work in my way so that I could live mine with peace wasn't helping him nor me. I have a good life and I am choosing not to waste it anymore enmeshing myself head, heart and soul into another's life.
It was a hard journey to find where I began and others ended.
It took me a long time, ( and I am a work in progress!) to focus on my life and find peace and even happiness that wasn't tied to his successes and failures. But I think I am doing better and HE KNOWS IT~
It was amazing that after I stopped supporting his life and mistakes that he always found a way to survive. He always had a place to stay and food to eat.
He almost always worries about his life FAR LESS than I do. Cruising around without a stable home, food, job wasn't that big of a deal to him so I learned to let that go.
So he doesn't try to manipulate me and ask for money now that he knows the bank is closed.
. The drama stories are gone because he knows they just won't work and I think down deep he hated that I made it so easy for him anyway but he couldn't stop himself from turning to me so it was a relief and with respect that he no longer can.
He is doing better, still involved with pot heavily but has stayed away from other things, doesn't use a program but respects mine. So thats something.
We talk a lot but never about his life choices now. ( constantly biting my tongue!!!)
Its a relationship maybe not how I envisioned it but its one I can live peacefully with ( most days!) I love him deeply and he knows that.
Praying for you as you start this journey. I hope you find as I did that as painful as the journey is I have found I am at peace and happier than I have ever been because my happiness isn't tied to anyone but me.
I know you will find strength you never thought you could possess. I know I did.
Cathy :praying
Another mom here. I have a 22 year old AS. I have gone through so many of those feelings as you have. That feeling of failure is so tied to our Codie belief that we have control, so if they fail ,then we have failed as parents. Thats a hard one for me and I struggle with it.
The next toughest feeling I am faced with is not helping him with his basic needs. And because of this he knows he can push that button so that I will help him with food, clothing, roof over his head etc. ( Heck, feed, clothe, and shelter those less fortunate, has always pulled at my heartstrings so you can imagine how easy it is to want to help my own son!.)
The problem is the "help" I give him just postpones his journey toward a better life and instead gives him a chance to use again and ignore the problem.
It was hard at first because the guilt was huge from both emotional feelings but I am learning.
Many days I wanted to pull the covers over my head because the pain and fear was so great. I didn't think I could live with knowing how he was living. It was as if a piece of me was going through his suffering. Other days I thought of ways I could get him out of the mess and save him.
But his life isn't mine and I am not going through his ordeal. So I cannot help him I can only help me.
Hiding under the covers and choosing not to live my life because his was failing or trying to make his life work in my way so that I could live mine with peace wasn't helping him nor me. I have a good life and I am choosing not to waste it anymore enmeshing myself head, heart and soul into another's life.
It was a hard journey to find where I began and others ended.
It took me a long time, ( and I am a work in progress!) to focus on my life and find peace and even happiness that wasn't tied to his successes and failures. But I think I am doing better and HE KNOWS IT~
It was amazing that after I stopped supporting his life and mistakes that he always found a way to survive. He always had a place to stay and food to eat.
He almost always worries about his life FAR LESS than I do. Cruising around without a stable home, food, job wasn't that big of a deal to him so I learned to let that go.
So he doesn't try to manipulate me and ask for money now that he knows the bank is closed.
. The drama stories are gone because he knows they just won't work and I think down deep he hated that I made it so easy for him anyway but he couldn't stop himself from turning to me so it was a relief and with respect that he no longer can.
He is doing better, still involved with pot heavily but has stayed away from other things, doesn't use a program but respects mine. So thats something.
We talk a lot but never about his life choices now. ( constantly biting my tongue!!!)
Its a relationship maybe not how I envisioned it but its one I can live peacefully with ( most days!) I love him deeply and he knows that.
Praying for you as you start this journey. I hope you find as I did that as painful as the journey is I have found I am at peace and happier than I have ever been because my happiness isn't tied to anyone but me.
I know you will find strength you never thought you could possess. I know I did.
Cathy :praying
Last edited by cece; 06-26-2008 at 10:26 AM. Reason: spelling
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