Addicted to vs In Love With
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Addicted to vs In Love With
Hi. So I was reading one the threads and it brought to mind the query. How do you know whether you are addicted to versus being in love with someone.
With my friend, his addiction brought me closer to him in both good and bad ways and I know there was one point where may chest literally ached until I was with him.
That I loved him more than anyone I know for sure. The in love not so sure. Any thoughts/experiences?
With my friend, his addiction brought me closer to him in both good and bad ways and I know there was one point where may chest literally ached until I was with him.
That I loved him more than anyone I know for sure. The in love not so sure. Any thoughts/experiences?
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Love _enhances_ my life. It's like my life is a beautiful sunset that is wonderful just the way it is. Love is a silent pelican that shows up and make the sunset even better.
Addiction _detracts_ from my life. Addiction has me at home worrying about my ex-wife, trying to make a plan that will deal with whatever craziness she's up to this time, trying to find all the pills in the house, blaiming myself for not being good enough for her, and on and on. I never even get to see the sunset.
Love makes me smile when she's not around. Addiction makes me stressed and irritable when she's not around.
Love makes my life better, stronger and deeper. Addiction makes my life painful, smaller, and weaker.
Love is something I want to live with. Addiction is something I can't live without.
Love is what Addiction destroys.
Mike
Addiction _detracts_ from my life. Addiction has me at home worrying about my ex-wife, trying to make a plan that will deal with whatever craziness she's up to this time, trying to find all the pills in the house, blaiming myself for not being good enough for her, and on and on. I never even get to see the sunset.
Love makes me smile when she's not around. Addiction makes me stressed and irritable when she's not around.
Love makes my life better, stronger and deeper. Addiction makes my life painful, smaller, and weaker.
Love is something I want to live with. Addiction is something I can't live without.
Love is what Addiction destroys.
Mike
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Interesting question.
I am IN love with my husband (of 23 years).
I love my RA son but I was "addicted" to helping him. Making sure he was alright. Fixing any little problem (or huge problem) that came along in his life. It was unhealthy. It was addiction.
Addiction is accompanied by behaviors that are unhealthy. Love is not.
I am IN love with my husband (of 23 years).
I love my RA son but I was "addicted" to helping him. Making sure he was alright. Fixing any little problem (or huge problem) that came along in his life. It was unhealthy. It was addiction.
Addiction is accompanied by behaviors that are unhealthy. Love is not.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i can only speak from my own experiences, but adult LOVE (versus that of parent-child) doesn't make you ACHE when you are not with the other person. LOVE allows each person to remain an individual.....and yet fosters a safe place for each to grow and encourages them to be their better selves..........LOVE is a companionable silence, it doesn't roar or scream to be heard and acknowledged.......
addiction demands that NEED be filled..........it is obsessive and compulsive........it CRAVES its "fix"..........and life becomes unmanageable.
addiction demands that NEED be filled..........it is obsessive and compulsive........it CRAVES its "fix"..........and life becomes unmanageable.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
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This is an interesting thread especially for me in my current state. I'm certain I love my xabf, but in our relationship I'm certain I was also addicted to helping him. And I find that now that he's sober and we hang out, I still am addicted to helping him.
I have this feeling now, almost lost without his alcoholism, But now I have his sobriety to concern me. And i go a bit overboard to be accomodating in so many ways, that I even notice and annoy myself.
I'm scared too that without his drunken fog and once desperate need to have me around during it, he'll see if not already how very "sick" I still am and grow tired of me quickly.
(my psychotherapy begins on tuesday...fortunately)
I have this feeling now, almost lost without his alcoholism, But now I have his sobriety to concern me. And i go a bit overboard to be accomodating in so many ways, that I even notice and annoy myself.
I'm scared too that without his drunken fog and once desperate need to have me around during it, he'll see if not already how very "sick" I still am and grow tired of me quickly.
(my psychotherapy begins on tuesday...fortunately)
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My $.02
Here is what I believe and have experienced about love:
All love is letting go.
That's it.
Letting GO.
Clinging, grasping, needing, and yearning are not love. There may be nothing inherently wrong with those behaviors but they are not love.
As a spiritual being having a human experience, I believe it is my place to clear all my crap out of the way and make myself as clear a channel, as open a vessel for love to PASS THROUGH ME.
it's not mine to give. it's given to me through a greater, profound source, a source that defies my ability to articulate. it is a gift that i get to receive.
if i try to stop the flow -- the passing through of that experience/feeling/state of love to give it away -- by hanging on to it, then i am stopping the love.
so i have to be willing, at all times, to let love flow into, through and from me. without attaching to it, claiming it, posessing it, controlling it.
love does not end. not through change of location, change of circumstance, change of mind or even death.
love has no boundaries. i do not decide who i love. love, if it finds me worthy, invites me into its heart (paraphrasing Gibran for those who are familiar with The Prophet) and if and when i am blessed with this gift, i am living a miracle.
BUT
and here is a REALLY BIG BUT!!!!!!!!!!!:
healthy relationships (especially love relationships) have LOTS OF BOUNDARIES.
relationships (including romantic ones) are not synonymous with LOVE.
i had a college professor once tell me: love is a feeling, a relationship is work, marriage is a contract.
that pissed me off because i was 19 and untreated al-anon/co dependent, control freak from hell.
now i know she was extraordinarily wise. i love that little gem.
there is no way to have a healthy relationship without genuine love.
and there is no way to have genuine love without a healthy relationship.
if that sounds like a paradox, it is.
all love is letting go.
keep coming back.
All love is letting go.
That's it.
Letting GO.
Clinging, grasping, needing, and yearning are not love. There may be nothing inherently wrong with those behaviors but they are not love.
As a spiritual being having a human experience, I believe it is my place to clear all my crap out of the way and make myself as clear a channel, as open a vessel for love to PASS THROUGH ME.
it's not mine to give. it's given to me through a greater, profound source, a source that defies my ability to articulate. it is a gift that i get to receive.
if i try to stop the flow -- the passing through of that experience/feeling/state of love to give it away -- by hanging on to it, then i am stopping the love.
so i have to be willing, at all times, to let love flow into, through and from me. without attaching to it, claiming it, posessing it, controlling it.
love does not end. not through change of location, change of circumstance, change of mind or even death.
love has no boundaries. i do not decide who i love. love, if it finds me worthy, invites me into its heart (paraphrasing Gibran for those who are familiar with The Prophet) and if and when i am blessed with this gift, i am living a miracle.
BUT
and here is a REALLY BIG BUT!!!!!!!!!!!:
healthy relationships (especially love relationships) have LOTS OF BOUNDARIES.
relationships (including romantic ones) are not synonymous with LOVE.
i had a college professor once tell me: love is a feeling, a relationship is work, marriage is a contract.
that pissed me off because i was 19 and untreated al-anon/co dependent, control freak from hell.
now i know she was extraordinarily wise. i love that little gem.
there is no way to have a healthy relationship without genuine love.
and there is no way to have genuine love without a healthy relationship.
if that sounds like a paradox, it is.
all love is letting go.
keep coming back.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Thanks for all the feedback. ABC, profound and kind words as always.
Love was and will always be present as it concerns him but I think that somewhere along the line I did become addicted to trying and needing to help him and kind of lost myself in the darkness of his addiction and where his problems became or felt like mine. Apart from the obvious loss, perhaps that is a part of the reason why I am so deeply affected by his death.
Boundaries were there in the beginning of our relationship and got blurred along the way. Had there been more while he was addicted, perhaps I would've coped and reacted better to the whole situation. It is hard to see someone you love hurt themselves and it's harder still to draw that line between never giving up on them versus letting them choose their own path..at least I found it hard. When you get sucked into that world though, it's harder to help the one you love or prepare for the aftermath.
To me though, love also means never giving up on someone even when they have given up on themselves because once there is life there is hope. I guess you just have to make sure you love yourself in the process.
Love was and will always be present as it concerns him but I think that somewhere along the line I did become addicted to trying and needing to help him and kind of lost myself in the darkness of his addiction and where his problems became or felt like mine. Apart from the obvious loss, perhaps that is a part of the reason why I am so deeply affected by his death.
Boundaries were there in the beginning of our relationship and got blurred along the way. Had there been more while he was addicted, perhaps I would've coped and reacted better to the whole situation. It is hard to see someone you love hurt themselves and it's harder still to draw that line between never giving up on them versus letting them choose their own path..at least I found it hard. When you get sucked into that world though, it's harder to help the one you love or prepare for the aftermath.
To me though, love also means never giving up on someone even when they have given up on themselves because once there is life there is hope. I guess you just have to make sure you love yourself in the process.
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