kidsandmemake3

I am a little nervous about posting but the journey is wearing me out tonight. I need to see hope in the distance so tonight I must stand on the shoulders of giants (that would be you, friend).

AH (2nd marraige- been married to him for 3 years) and I are seperated now for three months because I told him that if he was going to work his relationship with mistress mary-jane (pot) out, he couldn't work it out around me or my kids. I had to leave my night job and start a new business because there was noone to take care of the kids at night anymore. With the lag time of cranking up a new business, I have had little income but have work lined up to start in a couple more weeks... but right now... geez. The work ahead is exciting but rather daunting... kind of like setting out for a journey across the ocean in a rowboat.

The kids are out of school... both have serious, lifelong disabilities. That is why I had to start up yet another business... the kids have such great needs I work around their conditions... quite challenging to find work that can accomodate. They are headed to see their dad (husband #1) for a few weeks; that is a whole different set of circumstances, though. Since being out of school they have been soooooo clingy and needy because of all the stress around here. I know that they are feeling anxious about being away from home and are nervous that there will be even more great changes made to home life while they are gone. Me and the kids will miss eachother so much yet they need a break from all the stress from husband #2 (AH) and the seperation issues.

My house is a mess, my thoughts are scatterbrained, did I mention my house is a mess? Husband #2 has had clean drug tests and is doing Celebrate Recovery & NA. He has made other pretty significant measurable steps toward getting his life together. Glad for him. He wants to come back home, but I told him not for at least a year of solid progress and no promises from me even then. Yay for him. I am a still cleaning up the mess of a life that I have been striving to clean up for 20 years, though, and he only complicated it more. I am so angry at him for adding to my burden instead of partnering with me. Oh, and by the way, this house is still a mess.

I am going through the motions of life as best I can. I am really worn out. I am now faced with having to add into the mix transitioning me and the kids to a gluten-free/casein free (GF/CF) diet in hopes of helping my younger child. It just feels like another mountain to climb, and I have this recovering addict hanging around wishing he was here to "help me." This is a challenge for me because when you have kids that don't have a lot of control over their lives (and bodies) they often seek to control what they can and I don't want food to be a battleground. It is a giant task to educate myself on this GF/CF lifestyle so that we transition smoothly.

In addition, I have been still trying to push through college but now that I had to go through yet another career change there are certification courses I have to take for the newest "new me" so yup... I didn't finish 16 years ago and I am not able to finish again. Yeah, I can always go back later... blah-blah... but I am disappointed none the less.

I just had to vent some tonight. I am lonely and disappointed. Husband #2 wants so much recognition and I am just out of steam. He is so needy, he is "working his recovery" and I am playing the single mom again but having to deal with the ups and downs of his emotions, the kids are so needy, I could barely get through my child's birthday- it feels more like I am having to "put up" with faking being excited about it (mom guilt there) -life is so very demanding at this time.

All this, too, shall pass, but right now I am hitting another one of those proverbial walls. So, as I mentioned earlier, I believe that hope and faith are action words so I just need to rely on you all, climb up on your shoulders, and be able to see outside of my world for a little while.

"If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants." -Sir Issac Newton

Thanks.

ANGELINA243

My heart goes out to you and your precious children. Hang on! Take care of youself and your kids--top priority. You didn't cause his addiction, can't contol it, can't cure it. Good for him in that he is trying a few recovery programs--but do not allow him to "manipulate" you back into a relationship/living situation when you have already made some adjustments because of his using and have had to kind of start over again. (That is very selfish thinking on his part.) Stick to whatever rules you laid out before--don't give in. I do believe that God will watch over you and your kids. I do pray that your husband does find recovery--but it is something he will have to do on his own.....maybe sooner now rather than later. :praying

peaceteach

(((kidsandmemake3)))

You must be exhausted! What a strong woman you are and it shines in your post. Can you make a list of 10 chores you really want accomplished in your home to get it organized and clean? You will have a few weeks with the kids gone, perfect time to hammer away at the house instead of spending all that free time worrying and in your head. I use lists and cleaning as a coping mechanism when life gets to be too much, plus the end result (clean house) is a great reward in itself!

I think you are doing marvelous with dealing with AH, just great. Stand firm. Just wanted to offer you prayers and support this morning, sweetie

StillLearning1

Hey kids,


I read your post, right now I am sharing your feelings. Overwhelmed and exhausted here.. my home is a disaster!!! Chaotic mess.. I can't function in a chaotic mess!! One more week and school is over!! I can't wait!!!
What the hell... has happened with "school?"
It is a damn full time job!! Do you, anyone else feel that way? I can't believe I have the next three monthes where I won't have to go through 30+ pages a day of paper.. on each child. I don't have to sign a dang calendar, do spelling tests or try to figure out... "I am made of circles and archs and straight lines.. what am I?" I can read for the fun of it with my son, not because WE will be in trouble if he doesn't read 40 minutes a day..
I can't volunteer for one more fieldtrip or fundraiser.. sign one more form or send another check...
Or find a dang tshirt that is ORANGE??? Cause the 4th graders are assigned that color!!
No- please don't tell me my child's desk is a mess and he needs to clean it out. If parents were "allowed" to drop-off, pick-up in school, maybe...
But we are not.. how about just TELLING him to do it??
I am exhausted..

I have become a hoarder.. I think it comes from loss.. fear..
Like my grandmother who went through the depression and washed her tinfoil and saved it... "grams.. I will buy you 20 boxes of tinfoil, can we please throw-out...?" I understand her now..
I'm afraid to throw-out that 25 year old suit.. afraid to throw-out all the papers.. the "record" of our lives.. My gardening tools.. (we now live in an apt-temporary housing that became permanent.)
Vacume.. dust?? I need to purge!!

I read your post- and honey my children experience all the feelings that come with a father who's "sick" with a disease that is so damn confusing. But they are not disabled.
Thank you for posting and sharing. You've helped me get out of my pity bag, and find some gratefulness this morning.
You dear- are my giant today!!

historyteach

Prayers for your children as they cope with their stress and their illness.
And for you as you struggle with yet another of life's burdens. :praying

The Serenity Prayer has gotten me through some very difficult days in my life.

As far as the house goes, your children won't remember if there was dust on the top of the TV, or a few glasses in the sink. But, they *will* remember if mom was really smiling, and wanted to share some time with them.

If I could do things differently, that would be a change I would make. My priorities would be different. Though I *thought* I was doing the right thing at the time, I was too busy, too often, taking care of *things* instead of spending time with my son. And the time is gone too soon...

Shalom!

kidsandmemake3

Thank you for the support. I have been reading and re-reading your words; they are as satisfying as cold watermelon on a hot, steamy day.

Angel- thanks for responding so quickly. I love your Hello Kitty picture and your words helped me to go to sleep early this morning.

PTeach- your thoughts help me to get hold of mine.

SL!- I totally feel you with the school situation. I am glad for us it is over for the summer because it does get to be a pretty high hassle factor... until the "I'm bored" syndrome hits the kids over summer. I am going to take the next couple weeks while they are gone and just feel it all... and clean up and make things look different around here... my eyes need to see some beauty and order so maybe I'll paint a room a different color or something. Everywhere I look I see my estranged husband; I just need to see something different.

HTeach- I love to read your postings; the one you left me today is just what I needed as a reminder that the kids need my time more than they need my performance. It is easier to think of kids who have a lot of needs more as a project than a person because there is so much more to do for them... but slip into hiding behind busy-ness so my heart doesn't ache so bad... that is a deceptive lie that I try to resist because being with them is what eases the ache, not pushing them away. Time is such a treasure with the oldest as there is a much shorter life expectancy with the syndrome diagnosed. You helped remind me to stop and just be there for the moments I have them.

Thank you; you are helping open me back up.

Chino

kids, you are an inspiration and if I could physically share some serenity with you, I'd gladly do it. Since I can't, I'm doing the next best thing and sending you prayers on the speedy wings of many angels.

kidsandmemake3

Thanks again, y'all. I feel a lot better today because you made a difference in my life. I took the kids to the movies, got some things around the homestead started, made pancakes for dinner, helped the kids get ready for their trip... thanks again. They leave tomorrow and it dawned on me... this will be the first time I will be truly living 'by myself' for an extended period of time w/ no spouse... hmmm...

peaceteach

Are you just a little excited? If you can get yourself to make a choice every day to find happy, self-indulgent things to do rather than to sit and dwell in sadness, you might really enjoy this little respite! Along with kicking out those chores, of course-LOL! I surely think YOU deserve this break, Kids. Don't let any whiney phone calls from your ex or the kids disrupt your serenity, either. It's only for a few weeks, and they will LIVE. Hope you report in on how much you are accomplishing and how peaceful you are finding life