anyone??

Old 05-30-2008, 06:31 PM
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Getting Over It
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anyone??

Just wondering if I am alone in this issue....
My AH has been sober for 14 months. Its had its ups and (mostly) downs, I havent been sure I want to continue this marriage since the beginning. He has issues beyond the alcoholism, but doesnt see any of it.

Ok, and I have issues too. And he stays focused on me and my "issue."
For the last year, I have been communicating via email, text and some phone calls to a guy I knew in high school, almost 20 yrs ago. It started innocently enough, but blossomed from there. He lives in another state, so there has never been physical contact.

My AH found out and was terribly hurt and surprised, although most of our 16 yr marriage, he would accuse me of having an affair. I never even looked at men before this, always totally faithful.

He is saying he will try to forgive me and move on, but I am still unsure what I want. He pushes for me to tell him that I am in love with him and think of him often, but I just dont feel it. I mean I love and care for him, just not like he is wanting. He wants more now and I have a hard time saying my true feelings. I am sure this is because of our past issues. He complains that I dont call him during the day, if I walk by him without kissing him, things that I just dont want to do. Today, he started an arguement over something he wanted me to do for him and I didnt want to do it. I finally said - you do it for me and see how it feels and then I will do it for you. "Forget that!!"

I am going to a psychiatrist appt next friday and I cant wait... need direction, guidance. My question is really, am I that horrible of a person to do this, seek emotional comfort elsewhere? Has anyone else been in the same boat and did the same?

And weve gone to counseling. He lies and uses things against me...
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Old 05-30-2008, 07:06 PM
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I like to try and keep others actions separate from me. Meaning: someone else's bad behavior does not excuse my own.
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Old 05-30-2008, 07:39 PM
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'My question is really, am I that horrible of a person to do this, seek emotional comfort elsewhere? Has anyone else been in the same boat and did the same?'


A horrible person no, human yes.

I think that exploring your motives behind the feelings may help sort out your choices and how you deal with them.

If you have fallen out of love, or mistakenly believed you were in love, which happens, then seeking that kind of connection is understandable. If the comfort you are seeking has hidden emotions such s anger and resentment, etc, behind it, unless they are dealt with and resolved it will most likely become issues in any future relationships.

IMO, it is best to take time to explore yourself before becoming involved immediately in successive relationships.

I am not judging you, I am asking if perhaps there is hurt and unresolved issues in your marraige that don't exist in the newness of a different relationship. For sure, It is a pleasure over pain question. BTDT
I have tried to ignore the wounds by substituting the newness because it felt better than the old hurts that may or may not be fixable.

Counseling is a great way to help sort things out.

From my experience, I would take things very slow and make as many informed decisions before you commit to anything. If you are unsure and you rush into something before you have worked on you and the relationship you aren't are sure that you really want or ever wanted in the first place, anything you do may have unwanted consequences.

Perhaps a separation while you think and work things through by yourself may be a good choice.

As we learn we grow. I have found that doing it the right way( though time consuming) is worth it to avoid the merry-go-round of the same mistakes we can often get stuck on repeating.


Good Luck!
Jilly
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Old 05-31-2008, 05:45 AM
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Oh WOW DaisyJen -- you asked if anyone else has experienced this, I had to check to make sure I didn't actually write your post and not remember doing it!!! A little over a year ago I also began communicating with a former high school classmate -- yes it all began very innocently. But there was something about his emails; he actually paid attention to me and was interested in me! Wow, did that feel good -- my AH never paid attention to me, he didn't send me jokes and make me laugh and smile. It was all very wonderful and awful at the same time, because I had been totally faithful and would NEVER be unfaithful to my husband.

I sincerely believe that he was sent into my life for a reason. I think my HP brought him back into my life to wake me up to how sick I had become -- to how I had lost myself and focused only on my AH. I had to look at myself and admit, that if I had strong feelings like that for another man that there was something seriously wrong in my marriage. I wasn't kidding myself that that feeling was love, or even that it was mutual; but whatever it was it was certainly real and I needed to try to figure it out. That started the slow process of realizing that the perfect life I was pretending to have was a sham; and that for myself I needed to get out of my marriage.

Did I leave my marriage for this "other man" -- absolutely not. He is still in my life; as one of my best friends and I don't know how I would have gotten through the past year without him. Was our relationship "wrong", I don't know that answer and maybe never will.
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Old 05-31-2008, 07:45 AM
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I don't think you're a horrible person. However, I think your emotional affair is causing as many problems in your marriage as his issues.

I think finding comfort with someone else when you are in a situation that is not good is just a means of avoiding the work you have to do on yourself.
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Old 06-01-2008, 11:47 PM
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My boss's marriage recently fell apart, and we were talking about new relationships the other day, and he said that the beginnings of a new relationship are the easy part. Anyone can be on their best behavior, be charming, show you a good time, have fun, and all that. The tough part is what happens down the road of life changes, and someone gets ill, or something happens, a career changes, etc. Then you get to find out what people are made of and what commitment means to them. Dr Phil says couples need to earn their way out of a relationship, meaning they owe it to themselves and each other to turn over every stone, and use every resource to work it out, especially if kids are involved. I guess I feel robbed of that opportunity with my ex, as she tossed me out for another more of her liking. Bless her, change me!

I think our feelings fluctuate in an LTR, and it doesn't mean we aren't in love. And with an AH, we have every reason to seek out support and comfort from others. Have you given up on counseling? Have you brought up his lies in a session together? If you feel he has lied, that would be a very important issue to discuss, and have a professional guide you through it.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
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Old 06-02-2008, 06:06 AM
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Hi I've gotta agree with the others. I don't think you are a bad person. It sounds as though you are being shown that attention that you crave and have been missing for so long with your RAH.

I also think that it may be good to stop communication with this old friend while you work out what is happening with you and your RAH. Having contact with this person is confusing the whole issue of the recovery between you and your RAH.

I also agree that while you are being wooed by this man over the PC, you are purposely avoiding having that honest talk with yourself. You are comparing your RAH against this man which is unfair, IMO you should be comparing your RAH against himself. There seems to be alot of un dealt with hurt on your side, that needs to be worked on and this could be witholding any emotion that is inside you toward your RAH.

Recovery is a two way process, and if you truely do feel that your feelings have cahnged permamently toward your RAH you end it with him and free both yourself and him.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-02-2008, 08:43 AM
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Hi daisyjen

No you are not alone. I myself just recently went through something similar like this on the PC with a man. I didn't set out looking for it just like you. It felt really good to get the attention that I so craved. But all this relationship did is end up causing me more problems. I was using it to escape my real life and causing me not to deal with my real problems with my A. And I am finally realizing I need to start working on myself and quit trying to escape my problems. And relying on someone else to try and make me feel good about myself. Its a slow process but least I am trying.

I really think its a good idea you are seeking out counseling with this also. I wish you all the best.

*hugs*
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Old 06-03-2008, 08:49 AM
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Getting Over It
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Thank you all for your replies, first of all.

I can agree that maybe I am not facing reality, just avoiding issues. I don't think that I am trying to excuse my behavior, due to his bad behavior. I know what I have done is wrong. BUT, I KNOW that I wouldnt be in this predicament if it werent for his alcoholism. I stayed true in my heart for a long, long time, way longer than most would have. It wore me down and broke my heart over and over. And here I am. A guy, who has never hurt me, belittled me, degraded me, manipulated me, etc, gave me attention that I hadnt realized I missed so much. And I fell into it.

It's reassuring to know that I am not the only one that has felt this way, that I have somewhat normal reactions still. Part of me thinks deep down I wanted him to find out, so that he would leave me. Most of the time I think our relationship is too damaged to repair, but he is insistent on trying to make it work. My family and close friends say that they can tell I am done, over it. Its only when he corners me and pressures me that I think, ok, maybe one more try, I dont know. Ive told him that I am not in love with him, but he wont accept it. Ive asked for a separation but he wont have that either.

I am going to therapy on Friday. I hope it eventually leads me to the answers I need.
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Old 06-03-2008, 09:39 AM
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I ran sound for a conference 2 weeks ago, and the show photographer came up and introduced himself to me, as he had some questions about the stage lighting. I have an amateur interest in digital photography, and we seemed to click right away. He would come to me and talk during the breaks, and invited me to sit with him during lunch. I was taken by his courtesy and interest in me. I enjoyed sharing time with him. The way it made me feel good was almost hypnotic. Hmmm, like a drug. I can see myself falling into a deeper relationship like this as a way of coping with the hurt I am still grieving. My reactions to him are not wrong; they are a terrific basis for a lasting and healthy relationship. A choice to pursue them as a way to avoid my pain, as I see it, constitutes the core essence of addiction in codependence. I was able to observe and comprehend all this while it was happening, and I was able to simple enjoy the encounter for what it was: a moment of kindness and friendship from a chance acquaintance.

I consider it essential that I find my primary love and support from sources within me. I am the one I am looking for. I am the love of my life. You are not wrong for being attracted to the attentions of this man. He is merely an external reflection of the loving and caring essence that you already are. Once you connect with and support your beautiful essence, people around you who do not reflect it, will almost magically drop out of your life. They have to, because we only see in others what we see in ourselves. See only the love that you are, and watch how your world is transformed.
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Old 06-03-2008, 09:44 AM
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I certainly know what its like to know the marriage is over but too afraid to actually end it.

I’m sure you did want him to find out about the other guy, that way he ends the marriage which makes it emotionally easier on you.

It sounds like your husband is controlling, it sounds like he’s been controlling his own fears for many years. If through out your marriage he always accused you of having affairs, that’s his own insecurity at work.

If you have told him you don’t love him anymore and want to end the marriage of course he is not going to accept it. And the longer you allow him that kind of control over you the longer you will stay and the longer you will remain very un-happy. There is nothing worse then feeling forced into staying with someone when all you want to do it get as far away from them as possible. He’s going to cling tighter and tighter out of his own fear of losing that control over you and fear of you leaving.

I went through this with my ex husband, I stayed far longer then I should have. I gave him so much control and power over me it made me sick, physically and emotionally until I wanted to die. When he knew I wanted to leave his grip tightened so strong around me I felt him taking the life right out of me.

There was no talking or bargaining or working things out, I was done, I had made up my mind long before I even spoke the words.

If I could offer any advise to anyone going through that I would simple say, GET OUT, TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE BEFORE HE SUCKS IT OUT OF YOU.

Get an attorney and stop all contact with him. Don’t allow him to bargain you down, talk you out of the decision you know is best for you and certainly don’t let him threaten you into staying, that’s more of a prison sentence for you then any form of a marriage.
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Old 06-03-2008, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by daisyjen View Post
...I can agree that maybe I am not facing reality, just avoiding issues...
Congrats! This was important for me to admit to myself. After I did I was able to make decisions based on what was actually happening in my life to make life better for me.

Originally Posted by daisyjen View Post
...BUT, I KNOW that I wouldnt be in this predicament if it werent for his alcoholism..
You aren't in this predicament because of anything he has done. He has his own choices to make and has made them, he is living with the consequences now. By the same analogy you had choices along the way too, and now you are having to live with the consequences of them.

For example you say

Originally Posted by daisyjen View Post
...I stayed true in my heart for a long, long time, way longer than most would have. It wore me down and broke my heart over and over. And here I am...
I stayed too long with my ex out of a sense of obligation to HIM, I also stayed because I was afraid of the unknown, I stayed because we had so many years together, I stayed because I thought it was good for my daughter to have a male figure around, I stayed because I thought I wouldn't make it financially on my own.

It broke my heart over and over too. In the end, I had to realise I had stayed for many reasons, none of which was love for him. I had to begin to make decisions that benefited MY peace of mind and serenity.

The pain you feel day to day can be left behind. You have said quite clearly in your post that you don't want this relationship anymore...

Originally Posted by daisyjen View Post
...Ive told him that I am not in love with him, but he wont accept it. Ive asked for a separation but he wont have that either...
I know its hard to take that leap, but I gaurentee that when you are ready you will feel immediate benefits.

Originally Posted by daisyjen View Post
...Part of me thinks deep down I wanted him to find out, so that he would leave me...
You need to make that decision as hard as it is. It is unfair on him to keep him lingering if your heart is not in it.

I truely hope you find your serenity Daisyjen, and that you find the courage to take the steps I think you know you want to take. Be true to yourself, and happiness is not far away.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-03-2008, 11:05 AM
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Your situation sounds so similar to mine and can totally relate to you on this ... I too knew what I was doing was wrong at the time and I cried a many of times over it. I had a lot of guilt over it. But got to the point where I just put it out of my mind because I didn't want to give it up. I felt like I had finally found a little happiness in my life that I hadn't had in a very long time. And just like you I stayed true with my heart for 21 years. And also I know this would of never happen with this man if it weren't for my A and being so unhappy with my life.

Mine knows also some about this man too as well. And has only caused me more problems in my marriage. But I take full responsibility for what I have done. And he knows as well he is partly responsible for this also. But has he taken steps to try to change .. no he hasn't. And I know he never will even if he did quit drinking I think it may be to late anyways. So all I can do is try to find peace and happiness within myself. Because I know no one can do that for me except myself.


It really sounds like maybe to much damage has been done to you even though he has quit drinking for you to be happy. So maybe it is time to let go and try to find that happiness that you deserve... (I know I am not just the perfect person to give advice here being I am still with mine) ... Hopefully though your counselor can help you through with all this and you can finally do what you think is best for you.

I really wish you all the best with all this. *hugs*
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Old 06-03-2008, 11:22 AM
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My ex would stop drinking for short periods of time and demand validation and affection from me. I too told him I didn't love him, asked for a separation etc. and he refused. Even when I filed for divorce he tried to avoid being served and insisted over and over again that I "had no reason" to divorce him and that he would "never" leave. Well he is out of the house now and our divorce will be final next month but he still insists that I am crazy and he has no idea why we are getting divorced. Your AH may not be drinking but he is not in recovery so his behaviour has not changed. Talking to them is like talking to a wall, a waste of time. Even if he did find out about your friendship he probably would not leave anyway, just hold it over your head and have another vehicle by which to abuse you. I am glad to hear that you are going to therapy.
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