brentsgirl

Long story short- my exabf and I broke up last month and he moved out. He's been an addict on and off (more on than off) for about the last 15 years. We split because he was on a downward spiral and needed to focus on recovery (which last all of about 3 hours). Since then, he has been on a downward spiral worse than I have ever seen him and I am scared to death for him. On a side note, he never used when we were together as much or as often as he is now. While we were together he could go for a month or two without using. The most frequent was every 2 weeks for about a month. Now, he can't make is more than a week.
I am still in close contact with him mother and daughter, so I hear about all of the binges, the most recent was 2 days ago. His usual DOC was crack. Now he has moved on to smoking heroin and/or taking klonopin. His behavior is unbelievable! What this man is willing to do or willing to hurt to get out and use has reached an all time low! In addition, he just buried a friend from NA who died of an overdose in the apartment of the same dealer he goes to and the story is that they dumped his body and stole his truck!
So here are my questions.....First, how/why does an addict jump from one drug to others? What does klonopin do for a high? I understand the pull towards crack or heroin, but klonopin? Lastly, how the he** do I get out of this? I do not want to cut off from his mother or daughter. And a huge part of me still wants to know how he is and if he's OK, even though I know it is only keeping me in this sorry state. It has only been a month, I am still very addicted to my addict. I tried going to nar-anon meetings, but stopped for 2 reasons. The first being that all of the other members were parents of addicts, so I couldn't fully relate, the second, was selfish. I felt like he took enough already from me- emotionally and financially, so why give up my Thursday nights to sit and think about him more.
Lastly, his parents took him in when he moved out of here and he works for his fathers business. His father continues to allow him to go back to work, even after he takes off on a binge mid work week and is a no show at work for days! He also refuses to throw him out of the house. He's got a pretty cushy gig going on there! His mother on the other hand does see that he needs to be shown the life of an addict and be left with nothing- no roof, no free meals and no job, but will not go up against her husband to do this. I know I have zero say in the matter, but I feel like banging my head against the wall. I feel like they are helping to hammer each nail in his coffin by continuing to supply pillows for him to brace his fall!!!
I loved the man I met when he was clean and sober. He was a great guy! I still love him, but what he is becoming lately, has me scared to death for him. I know there is nothing I can do, he has to get there on his own. I just wanted to vent that. But any advice anyone has on the other things I asked would be great!!!

Thanks for listening!
K..........

Serenity8

I don't know the answers about why an addict jumps from one drug to another, but I'm pretty sure they just spiral and they are looking for something - anything - to numb them.

As for nar-anon, I've never been since there are more al-anon meetings in my area so I go there. They suggest you go for at least 6 weeks here. And in my first few meetings, I felt the same way as you, ANGRY that I had to be there because of HIM (in my case it is my husband). I have been going for over a year and a half and what I slowly but surely realized... was that I wasn't there for him, I was there for ME. Al-anon (and nar-anon) is about us regaining our sanity back and having happiness and serenity regardless of what the addict is doing.

It might take a few different meetings to find one with people you can relate to. I went to a few before I settled in to the night I go now.

I know everything seems so out of control, but al-anon or nar-anon can really help you find some peace in the chaos, and to sort through these feelings and to help you understand yourself so you don't continue to get into a similar situation with the next person (and believe me, these patterns repeat themselves).

Please keep us posted on how you are doing!

hope4always

If meetings aren’t for you right now, or ever, that’s okay. You just need to make sure you have some support when you are hitting the rough patches. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you are completely alone with all that stress and anxiety. Having this site in your arsenal is good, but make sure you have at least one body on your side of the screen that you can go to for support. Sometimes just a hug from a close friend or family member can be almost as therapeutic than it is talking about or writing about what you’re feeling.

If your only support for you is coming from his family, though, you may want to consider someone outside of his circle to go to for support.

I know you want to know he’s okay and all, but maybe for right now you should back away from finding things out from his family. As you can see, you are just as stressed out and worried as you were when you were with him – probably even more so now, right?

Work on you getting stronger instead of worrying about how his family is enabling him. That’s an issue they’ll have to deal with on their own, just like you are dealing with yourself not getting sucked back into his addiction.

As far as Klonopin goes, it is a highly, *highly* addictive drug. Klonopin feels *very* nice, even at .5 (I took it on a PRN basis for big time anxiety for a very short period). It’s a drug that’s *supposed* to be *strictly* monitored by a shrink because it's so incredibly addictive.

I can see exactly why people get hooked on it so easily.

splendra

To me if I go to an "anon" meeting and all we talk about is the "A" in our life and not about how I may have attracted the situation into my life then I need to find another meeting so I can learn about what I am doing to put if I ever hope to get control of my life and learn to make better choices.

Alanon has the same program and I find they are very sympathetic with people who are dealing with any addiction. Plus usually there are lots more alanon meetings than there are naranon so you might be able to find a group you like better if you go to a couple different meetings.

lightseeker

I'm sorry to hear that the stress of your relationship is continuing and that he has spiraled down even further. It's the nature of addiction though. I know that you want to know how he is doing and that you are close to his family but it sure does set the stage for continuing to be caught up in the chaos and drama. It's hard not to turn to each other with the "latest news". Is there any way to agree to keep the conversation completely off of him? I know that there are times that I felt close to other family members and generally our conversations consisted of us talking about the addict and all of our frustrations/angst/hurt/etc with the situation. I was staying in the problem and not the solution.

I, too, use to really resent the time that anon meetings took up - and after all the damage that the addict had done to my life I was having to spend the time to do that!?! I finally understand that the meetings are about me and how I attracted these sort of situations into my life. It really has nothing to do with the addict. I got rid of one addict and quit going to meetings because he was the problem. Then I fell in love with another addict and began to realize that a lot of the problem (if not all) had to do with me. I agree with Splendra - any meeting that focuses on the addict is probably one that I would move on from and find one that focused on recovery....and not the addict's recovery.

Glad that you checked in - it's just hard - no way around it.

brentsgirl

I am so hurt. I found out last night that my xabf has set up an online dating profile. I know that I am better off without him, etc, etc. But I still cannot believe that a little over a month after our split, he has decided to date. And to date as an active addict! I know what I should be feeling is pity for the poor girl he gets involved with next.......little does she know what she is in for. But still, it hurts. He is still my first thought every morning and my last one at night. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. Thanks for listening.

Impurrfect

(((Brentsgirl)))

Sorry things are so hard for you, right now.

I know that we don't make changes until the pain gets so bad we can't take it any more. If you're not ready to stop getting updates on him from his family, I think it's just going to get worse.

I really hope you can find ways to focus on you. He's made his choice about how he wants to live his life right now. As insane as his choice seems, you might as well accept it. I understand you want to be there for his mom, and especially his daughter, but if hearing about all this is dragging you down, it's just preventing any of you from moving past the pain and chaos.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lightseeker

Brentsgirl-

I'm sorry for your pain and understand what a blow it is to find that out. I agree with Amy regarding the pain of keeping up such close contact with an ex and his family...it's just teeing you up for all of this pain. When it gets bad enough then it will be bad enough to change it. We get as addicted to them as they are to their drugs...such similiarities.

My RAH has concurrent addictions -sex and drugs. Many addicts have an underlying sex addiction. He is looking for mood changes - not another you. He is in active addiction which is a selfish and self seeking state. Please try and understand that his actions have nothing to do with you. The reason everyone keeps stressing going to meetings and working a program is because it is the one way I know to help myself get the focus on me and off of him. I was letting his actions iinfluence the internal messages I give myself - if he is looking at personals then I must not be enough. Or.....he didn't love me enough to miss me now that we are not together. I didn't matter because he is already trying to replace me. NONE OF WHAT AN ACTIVIE ADDICT DOES MAKES SENSE. They are out of their minds. That is why the continued contract and closeness to his life is so dangerous - it's just going to hurt you when you hear the latest news. But - when that is enough it will be enough.

I know that the first thing that RAH would do if our relationship ended would be to go straight to the internet to find himself another "victim". I mean - it would be the same day. Am I replaceable? Heck no! He would simply be looking for any short term solution to numb whatever feelings he was having. It would definitely hurt - I'm not saying that it wouldn't. But - my work in recovery has helped me to define myself from my insides and not what he does or doesn't do.

My hope is that in time you will be able to turn your energies and all of your worry and concerns and focus them on yourself. The time spent on our addict and worrying about them hijacks us from the reality of our own lives. The switch doesn't just "occur" except with lots and lots of pain. The switch comes when we take actions (working the steps, reading Co-Dependent No More, going to meetings, and setting boundaries). Read the whole thread of "Wonderful Man with a Horrible Problem"...it has incredible insights and several people going through similar situations.

I know you are hurting and am so sorry for your pain.....addiction is simply anguishing. As a psychiatrist told me - it's easier to watch a train wreck than to be in one.

hugs

brentsgirl

Does anyone here know anything about CODA meetings? Someone mentioned them to me as an option to help me work on me, as opposed to nar-anon meetings. Any advice/words of wisdom would be great! Thank you again....you guys on here have been my sanity some days. And even though most of what I have read was a tough pill to swallow, I thank you...... I did need to hear it.