Not only has the addiction changed my life..

Old 05-29-2008, 07:43 PM
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Not only has the addiction changed my life..

Hi Everyone,

I have had some huge changes in my life in the last 5 years. Not only with my exah becoming addicted to crack, but with friends as well. When this first all start we had so many friends and through the rough part I had so much support from so many friends.

As the years have passed and I have gotten better planted on my feet, it seems like I have lost contact with so many friends. It feels like I have to start everything over....I just don't understand why I am not included anymore with the friends I had. The best friends we had when I was married, she was my best friend and I never here from them. I know her husband is very controlling and obsessed with where she is at at any given time and has been like this since I can remember. I think he is paraniod for here to be around me because I am single, even if we talked on the phone he is sitting within hearing. As time has gone on I just don't here from her.

I called there house about a month ago, as there is this fun bus tour in June and the list was filling up quick, he answer the phone and I ask if they would like me to put their names down, he said no...and then said you can't talk to T right now she is cooking dinner.

I did see them this past Sunday and said that I was going have a BBQ the weekend after I move...she said she didn't know if they could come or not, as it is their busy time of year...

I just don't understand it and I don't understand it from her
I have read some on life after divorce and all articles do say this happens.

Rose
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Old 05-29-2008, 07:55 PM
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I have heard this happens, sometimes from the other women who are afraid that your newly single self is going to lure their husband away.

I would try not to take it personally; it sounds like she is trying to manage in her own crazy, controlling situation. You could try to get her alone and ask her about it, but there is a chance she'd just deny it and then where do you go from there? She might be in denial about her own situation with a controlling husband.

Are there divorce support groups near you? That might be a nice place to meet people in the same situation who won't feel threatened by you and will understand your situation because they are there, too. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

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Old 05-29-2008, 08:00 PM
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I have alot of divorced woman friends rose and I would feel really horrible if my husband was to pick my gf's for me or not let me see them just because they had an unfortunate marriage that didn't work.....sounds very shallow to me..I'm sorry this has happened to you. Call your friend when hubbies not around (hers)) and get her take on the situation. Sounds like there must be a trust issue in that relationship...Big hugs, Bonnie
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Old 05-29-2008, 09:24 PM
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I have thought about calling when he is not around, but he is only gets home 1/2 hr after she gets home and if she is not there when he gets home he is calling her cell non stop. But really what answer am I going to get out her anyway.

It just stinks that so much has to change.

Rose
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Old 05-30-2008, 05:41 AM
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Rose,

I know how you feel, I too have lost a good friendship.

But for me, it was when I got married two years ago. I had been a widowed at 33 years old and was single for 15 years. My dearest friend was also a widow that I had met 15 years ago. She was so much like me, the same age and she also had 3 kids, about the same ages as mine. We did everything together, including traveling a few times a year to exotic places, with and without the kids. She was my lifeline, and I was hers. We talked daily. We used to say we were like Thelma and Louise (without Brad Pitt)

When I got married, she was my only attendant.... When I said my vows to my husband about him being my best friend, I turned to her... and winked... we shared a special smile. Life was good.

Well, I can count on two hands the times we have seen each other in the past two years... and she only lives 10 minutes from my house. We have gotten together during that time... cried together about how things were for her now, she would try to explain to me how she felt. I had the life she wanted... I constantly reassured her that she was still my true female soul mate... But, nothing I did or said could bridge the now gap in our friendship.

Well, you may laugh

but Sober Recovery has helped me with this. My friend was the first thing I thought about every morning, and the last thing I thought about every night.... I was addicted to fixing this lost friendship.

I finally had to detach from my friend... pray for her... and give her over to my HP. I still call her (leave messages) send her cards... but thanks to SR, I am at peace over this.

People do come into your lives for different reasons, at different times, they help us for different reasons, and we help them.

This poem has helped me understand that, and cherish the friendship that we had.
I am not saying that your friendship is over, just something to ponder.


[CENTER]Some People

By Flavia Weedn

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

Some people come into our lives
and quickly go...Some stay for a while
and embrace our silent dreams.

They help us become aware
of the delicate winds of hope...
and we discover within every human spirit
there are wings yearning to fly.

They help our hearts to see that
the only stairway to the stars
is woven with dreams...
and we find ourselves
unafraid to reach high.

They celebrate the true essence
of who we are...
and have faith in all
that we may become.

Some people awaken us
to new and deeper realizations...
for we gain insight
from the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Throughout our lives we are sent
precious souls...
meant to share our journey
however brief or lasting their stay
they remind us why we are here.

To learn...to teach...to nurture...to love.

Some people come into our lives
to cast a steady light
upon our path and guide our every step
their shining belief in us
helps us to believe in ourselves.

Some people come into our
lives to teach us about love...
The love that rests within ourselves.

Let us reach out to others
and feel the bliss of giving
for love is far richer in action
than it ever is in words.

Some people come into our lives
and they move our souls to sing
and make our spirits dance.

They help us to see that everything on earth
is part of the incredibility of life...
and that it is always there
for us to take of its joy.

Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.

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Old 05-30-2008, 07:43 AM
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I understand the feeling of losing friends as our lives have changed. I am having a hard time with that also since my RAH went to rehab. They still get together for bar-b-ques and just hang out with their families, while I (and my family) am not included. It hurts very deeply. I think it hit close to home for them regarding my husband's admission of his problem. I know their husbands still drink. It was his friends also. But I thought my friends would still be there for me. It just isn't that way. I have to detach from them. It hurts me more to talk to them. I guess because I know it will never be the same. My life is different. SO I have to detach. I stopped calling and going over there. I am hoping new friends will walk into my life. I will always cherish my memories and friends. BUT I know I have changed and so have our relationship. I have detached. I hope this helps you. I can relate to how you feel.
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Old 05-30-2008, 10:22 AM
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Rose I'm sorry that you feel you lost your friend. Sounds like her husband is very controlling and hopefully one day she will see what he is. To me I say keep the communication open as best as you can... maybe send a card now and then to just say your thinking of her... to keep the lines open. I have a feeling she is going through a lot more than what she leads on.

hugs,
Jewelz
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Old 05-30-2008, 09:14 PM
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11D, you seem to know just where I am coming from and have had the same feelings. You are right, things will never be the same, his addiction changed it all ( I am not laying blame, he got sick) there lives went on. So true, my life has changed to and maybe they feel the same of me.

Jewel, there is more that lies behind it, her husband is a real alcholic, as much as my husband is an addict. Alcholal seems more forgiving than drugs, but we have had some conversations just her and I and really the end result is we are dealing with the same outcome. I think she wants to turn a blind eye to it. No it was not me saying your husband is like this or that, she just opened up and said ....I just let her talk.

But today a girl from work asked me if I would like to go and play a game of bingo after work...I hesitated...almost like I had to go right home from work...I was not in my shedule...then I said yes, so off I went. I was also asked today to go to a show next week with some other girls (Sex in the City) I said yes! I am also going out for breakfast on Sunday morning.

Looking at it all, what I think that has happened is...I have gone into a shelter without even realizing it. I have trapped my ownself...why, I don't know, maybe it was a protection and still holding onto part of my past.

Rose
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Old 05-31-2008, 06:17 AM
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Rose,
When I went through my divorce I lost all my friends. My ex is a lawyer and he was theirs, so I lost everyone who I cared about. The worst was my friend who was my best friend for about 25 years, she was his accountant and did things in the divorced that hurt me. When I spoke to her I told her all she had to do was tell me and I would have understood. Since my divorced I have grown and have met some wonderful people, some I have walked away from for the reason we changed and had nothing in common anymore, some walked away from me. It hurt but I am learning that life goes on and hopefully new people will come into my life and things will get better.
You are doing things now to make new friends and start a new life and that is what your HP wants for you.
Try to stay in touch with your friend, cards or a call once in awhile, she might need you sooner rather than later. You will know how to treat her and what she is going through if she should ever leave him.
You are growing so much and it really is showing along with the shine of your recovery.
Hugs and prayers to you
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Old 05-31-2008, 07:24 AM
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Last year when my daughters addiction had come to a really bad point, I went through the typical not sleeping not hearing from her for days and never seeing her. And when I did see her she looked like death.

My "best" friend for 43 years was the last person on this earth I thought would vaporize.

I had been there for her all our lives, through thick and thin.

It was so hard to have that freindship vanish at the same time I was facing my daughters mortality.

But like us mothers I put that on the back burner and got busy with helping my daughter.

When I finally looked up last summer and no contact from her,(my daughter had hurt her daughters feelings in 2000) I realized that she is a weak person and the freindship was largly based in me "being" there for her.
The one of only 2 times in my life I relaly needed her she was not available and in fact made it a point to bring up a 7 year old issue that made her "upset".

What I realized at that point was that she was not a true friend, but leaned on me the co-dependant all our lives.

She only likes lovely stories about her kids and told me that I was too open with mine.

In retrospect it was for the best that we part ways, but it was like a death after all the years of "friendship".

It has however made me go back and reevaluate all the relationships in my life and weed out all the sick ones.

I have done lots of reading about my co-depedent issues and most of all this board has let me see that it's okay to turn the page, move on and take care of myself.

What is funny to me now is that the truth about her as a freind was in front of my face all along, just didnt want to see it I guess.

The hurt goes away one day at a time.

We deserve better friends....
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Old 05-31-2008, 07:47 AM
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((((((((((Rose)))))))))))


I'm sorry your sad over the loss of your friendship.

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Old 06-01-2008, 10:35 AM
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It does leave sadness in my heart because of a loss of companionship. BUT I have to accept that I am changed and therefore it changes my relationship with my friend/friends. I know her husband was very close to mine and they were "drinking buddies". He continues on. It is not for me to tell her he has a problem. She knows! They will continue on, just like I/we did, until something happens. I do believe in detaching from her/them, but I do not have to be resentful, ugly, hurtful, cold,.... DETACH with LOVE. I have told her that I will always cherish our memories and I will always be here if she ever needed something. That is how I left it. Every now and then I will call. They were our vacation friends. And they left yesterday with another family. It broke my heart and she never called to say anything. BUt last night I received a message on my phone because I could not bare to answer it. She said she was thinking of me and loved me. No, I did not call her back and I won't (maybe when they get back) because I have to detach. It will break my positive thoughts and serenity to talk to her. That is how it is. When one door closes another opens. Maybe it hasn't yet. Maybe my Higher Power isn't done with me and my changes (or my RAH). I have to be patient and live one day at a time. I hope this helps.....
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Old 06-01-2008, 08:09 PM
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Thanks 11D,

Your post helps alot...so much similarity. We did so much together. Every New Years Eve we spent together with the kids, we would order live Lobster and have a BBQ at either their place or our, take our PJ's and spend the night.
We did the same thing for Halloween, all dress up, we came up with something every year. She has red hair and so does her daughter, one year we did the Flintstones, she was Wilma, her daughter was Pebbles, I was Betty, my son who is short and stalky was Bam Bam, my Husband was friend and her husband was Barny, my oldest son was Mr.Slate. We has so much fun even making the costumes.

The 1st New Years I was a mess, my husband had just been picked up for 5 robberies in late Dec so I was not in any mind frame to even realize or care about New Years...the 2nd year I was more together and went over to their place, got my pj's on and we had Lobster. The 3rd year they went over to some other friends house and did the Lobster dinner, I was really upset inside, not so much of a hint of an invite to come along. Then Halloween and they are making costumes and dressing up...though they did ask me to come, I had to decline as my boys were into doing their own thing and I didn't want to go and leave them for the night. But since then I have never been asked again.

I know we have drifted apart and I have to except that, but I quess what is bothering me is inviting them to come over a month away for a BBQ and they say "we will have to see" that hurts.

Rose
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Old 06-02-2008, 08:30 PM
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It does hurt. Detach with love. Keep your serenity. I have read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. She write of 3 steps to detach from people. 1. Learn when You are reacting to something/someone. Whether it is your addict or someone in your life. 2. Make yourself comfortable. Go for a walk,..whatever that seperates you emotionally/physically/mentally. what ever gives you serenity. 3. Examine what happened. Talk about your feelings. Don't keep them pinned up. When I invited her to come over and she gave me an excuse. I did not react. I accepted it. And then tried to do something that I liked or with someone else. Maybe one of your son's friends parents. Then when I found that peace, I thought about what happened. I know I have changed and she doesn't understand it. SHe can't....I barely do. And I know she is facing the same monster, but one who has not come out of the closet. That how I deal with it. That is how I have learned to detach. I hope this helps.
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