LucyA

Ok, so I'm hoping to have the forms filled and taken in to court this next week to see if I can get a residence order for Joe.
Me, as a reasonable, honest, upfront person thinks I should speak to my brother and tell him my intentions, ask for his thoughts and what he wants for Joes future.
Me as a realist thinks whatever he says will make no difference to what I'm going to do for Joe so why bother even speaking to him?

What do you think?
I've kept up my detatchment from my brother for a while now, I'm good for doing it too.

He's been round here twice in six weeks making half hearted attempts to get Joe to go home with him. He's told my mum he doesnt want Joe and can't cope with him. He's taken no interest whatsoever in where Joe's been or what he's been doing for weeks.

I'm going to court for a residence order, which in the UK means I can change Joe's address to mine officially, I can share parental responsibility with his dad and I can give consent for medical treatment etc. ( I plan to carry on in court for a Special Guardianship, which gives me completely overriding parental control)

Question is, would you be upfront and tell his dad? or would you, like me think it's pretty much pointless talking and just get on with it?
Nothing he says will change my mind, Joe deserves so much more than he was getting (and in some ways so much less) he's a different child since he moved here, everyone says so. So I'll fight as hard as I have to to get this order, I'm just not sure if i should discuss it with his dad or not.

laurie6781

Oh I think what you are doing is absolutely WONDERFUL.

As far as telling your brother, why waste the breath. Later down the line if he ever takes an interest in his son, or tries to get possessive then you can show him the Court orders and explain.

As long as your Mum knows, and she knows that your brother doesn't really want his son, so................................................ .......IMHO

Naaaaaaa don't bother.

Your program of recovery is SHINING!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

kj3880

agree. telling him is just buying trouble. cross that bridge when you come to it, if you come to it, imo.
kj

LucyA

Thanks laurie, thats the way I was thinking, he's shown no interest in Joe since he came here in April. He has a free pass to party when he feels like it, which is most of the time, he has a g/f who has a son younger than Joe who he thinks the world of and treats better than his own son ( I'm gutted by that but I don't blame the child at all)

I just feel so much for Joe, he sees all this going on and is so loyal to his dad even now, although he has told me since he came here he has a normal life.

You're right laurie, whatever is said between us wont change the fact that I'll fight for Joe to be here whatever, so it would be a waste of breath.

I think I'm still hoping something will make my brother realise what he's missing by not being with his son, he's a lovely boy, a bit mixed up at the moment but theres no surprise there really.

LucyA

you're right kj, although I have to say he's known I was going to do this for a while, his (deceased) wifes sister told him a few weeks ago because she thought he already knew. I guess he could have made any objections known then if he wanted to.

Barbara52

He knows what you are planning on doing already. What would be the purpose of telling him again? What would you get out of it? What would he get out of it?

Personally, I would just do what I need to do and leave it at that.

peaceteach

Since you already know the outcome and he hasn't contacted you with the knowledge, I'd say it depends on whether YOU want to put YOURSELF through a possible scene. If you do, is there a time you can catch him when you know he'll be sober?

I'd just trust your gut on this one, Lucy. Do what you feel is the right move

LucyA

I've sat and thought hard about these 3 questions.
I don't think it's so much a case of actually telling him what I'm planning, as you say he already knows that, I think I was hoping I could find a way to talk to him and do it as peacefully as possible and maybe agree things with him before it goes to court for Joes sake.

At the moment I'm having a bit of a struggle with myself over balancing the right thing for me and the right thing for Joe.

I think in this case the right thing for me is going to win because I know I can't trust a word my brother says any more, so even if we did agree on things one day he'd change his mind the next day.

Thanks

Lilyflower

You seem to be in a place where your going to have to act on what you alone feel is best for Joes future. It would be great if you could discuss with Joes dad and come to decisions together regarding Joes future, because he is his dad and this is part of his parental responsibility.

Unfortunately the reason you are here in the first place is because he wasn't acting on his parental responsibilities, and left Joe in a sense an orphan with no one parent looking out for him.

As someone else said, act alone for now, keep doing what you know in your heart and mind what Joe needs for his wellbeing and growth. Later if Dad comes to his senses, he will be incredibly grateful his sister took on this responsibility and that he didn't loose his son into the system.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i4getsm

I'm in similar shoes regarding visitation with my STBXAH. I wouldn't tell him especially if he knows about it and hasn't said anything. That shows a clear disregard for the implications of the RO. He's "telling" you to take the reins on this by NOT saying anything. KWIM? You need to look out for Joe. It's important to keep his dad involved in Joe's life if he wants to be involved. As in, as much as possible involved. But you need to protect Joe first. It is a balancing act, no question.

I don't think you gain anything from talking with him first. While it might be good to negotiate before you file, it sounds like he will default on what he suggests (because it sounds good and doable at the time). Go with what YOU think is best for JOE. If dad wants to suggest otherwise, then he can...in court.