mle-sober

What does it mean when Al-anon says, "don't let the alcoholic draw you in"? My husband has used that phrase to try to bolster what looks like his resistance to being loving and supportive and empathetic when I am upset. I was upset about something that happened in my outpatient group and I told him the story and I really wanted him to empathize with me and my situation. But he didn't. And he questioned my need for him to do so. And he used that phrase from Al-anon to support his position.

I'm confused. I wasn't making drama. I was voicing some hurt feelings. Now that I'm a recovering alcoholic, my program takes up a lot of my time. Am I not supossed to share any of my experience with him? I'm just confused.

Any insights or ideas?

kj3880

I'm sure it doesn't mean "don't talk to an alcoholic", MLE! He's just using it as an excuse to stop talking with you when he's losing an argument maybe. Some others will be able to tell us what it really means, I am sure.
kj

niceguy01

Whenever I try to talk to my Girlfriend about things that worry me she pushes back but in a positive way. Helps me to rethink why I'm upset and shows me how I'm usually negative thinking.

It's kind of a hard pill to swallow at times but really much more healthy IMHOP.

One expample was my being upset that even though my waist line is thining my overall weight is about the same. I was thinking about not losing the weight instead of celebrating the the waist line reduction.

Perhaps a trivial example but still an example.

I think we all got here due impart to negative thinking.

I'm learning I have to learn how to deal with stuff and find my balance.. others may help but it's really up to me... I've been a big one for the pity party stuff..

Then it doesn't hurt to have some support and someone to listen to.

We'll listen if you need a shoulder... :ghug2

barb dwyer

we alcoholics often get 'needy' and we don't realize what a drain it is on everyone around us. when we don't 'get' what we're thinking we 'need' from those around is - we then set out to ...

basically - get it anyway.

that can be through drama, feigned illness, tragedy... or flat-out manipulation.
I imagine we've got as many means as there are alcoholics.
You're talking to the KWEEN of drama ... and I never even knew it.

I'm suspecting he's just trying to hold his own, and y'all had a clash.

When we keep ownership of what we're feeling -
and even what we are thinking we need...
it's a lot easier.

meanwhile the road to that kind of ability
is a tough one to walk.

hairgirl

Sometimes it is difficult for someone who is not a alcoholic to understand how we are feeling, especially if they have been a victim of our disease. Some would say you should focus on your own recovery, and not sweat the small stuff.Allot of times, we let those little things build up til we blow, it is a coping mechanism that eventually leads to picking up a drink.
I know that you expect compassion and understanding because you have decided to get sober, but just because you did it doesn't mean all the pain you may have caused has faded away.Just let it roll off your shoulder, and read your big book.

DSodaNow

I am not sure what that means either. But I do know this.... Just as we are having difficulty learning to live sober.... the people around us sometimes have a hard time learning to communicate with us when we are sober. Maybe you could ask him about this after you have calmed down?

adore79

Seems to me that it would be nice if he just listened to you, even if he didn't have any advice to give, listening is one of the most important forms of support imo.

tennis71

Tough situation, I am sorry to hear that your still having problems.

Sometimes people take a very extreme interpretation of the advice that AA and Al Anon provide. Hence the "Human" factor in everything that we do.

An example similar to your situation would be enabling alcoholic behavior. To some, enabling goes as far not taking action to help when a loved one is experiencing alcoholic withdrawal symptoms that appear life threatening. I myself would say at least call 911, others would say let them deal with it, if we help we are just enabling.

On the other hand, I am the alcoholic who has caused the damage and I have not experienced things from the family members perspective. If I had, my reaction might be different than it is now. There is nothing I can do about that, I can only share from my experience.

Not sure if this helps at all, I guess what I am trying to say is I know what your going through.

Keep your head up, this too will pass in time - also, I hope the weather has calmed down a bit over there.

mle-sober

Thank you thank you everyone! Just being able to vent and having the day to think about it and read what you all thought - I feel much calmer about it all. I don't know why I always think my hubby is perfect! LOL

Yes - I think there's a human factor here - on his part and mine. I think he's still upset at me for drinking and lying and he doesn't necessarily feel "on my side" all the time these days. AND Al-anon gives him language that he uses to protect his right to have a bit of an attitude with me. He's healing too.

And then me - well, I am mostly perfect but I do have this one little thing. I am more sensitive to criticism than there are stars in the sky. I cry at the drop of a hat and I feel abandoned if I call someone and they don't answer the phone.

So all it took was me getting my feelings hurt over something stupid and him looking at me sideways instead of giving me all the reassurance in the world, and I was off to the races, as they say.

Not to say that I wouldn't like my spouse to be more empathetic and supportive. He could definately improve there. But I feel much more balanced now and not like the world is falling in just because he hasn't met my expectations. I'm pretty sure I don't meet all his expectations too! (Let's not go there.)

So, thank you!

- MLE

sailorjohn

If I had to guess, I would think alanon is referring to being drawn into the games that practicing alcoholics play.