Don't let me draw him in?? I'm confused.
Don't let me draw him in?? I'm confused.
Hi, I've posted here before and really gotten some good insight which I appreciated. I thought I'd try it again. (:
I'm a recovering alcoholic with 117 days sober. I have a very active program with 2 AA meetings, an aftercare (from outpatient treatment) evening, an AA sponsor, a therapist I see once a week, this site (mostly in the Newcomers), and then also several books and journaling. I feel like I am off to a good start and I feel very committed.
My husband has obviously had to go through quite a lot and we are slowly building back trust. I lied to him about my drinking for 9 months and it really threatened our marriage. We have 4 kids. I think we are begining to find our balance again and I feel very hopeful. I think my husband does too.
Here's my question: When Al-anon says "Don't let the alcoholic draw you in" what does that mean? I feel like I want my spouse to be sensitive to my feelings and empathetic to the difficult things in my life. I'm not asking him to come to AA meetings with me or go through the steps with me. I feel like I am asking for the same things I would need even if I wasn't a recovered alcoholic. But my husband feels like if I tell him a story from one of my groups (obviously keeping names confidential) and I felt like I'd been attacked in that group, he shouldn't really react. And he questions my need to have him be empathetic with me. He uses the AL-anon phrase "Don't let them draw you in" as a reason for him to stay detached.
So, I should say, I am not making up drama for the sake of drama. I'm pretty focused on being sober and being a good mom, a good spouse, a good daughter and sister, and a good painter (that's my career). I am NOT a drama-maker. But this one situation, people really ganged up on me and I was hurt and I just wanted my husband to sympathize. Do you think that's me trying to draw him in? I'm confused.
I really appreciate any feedback - good bad or ugly.
Thank you!
I'm a recovering alcoholic with 117 days sober. I have a very active program with 2 AA meetings, an aftercare (from outpatient treatment) evening, an AA sponsor, a therapist I see once a week, this site (mostly in the Newcomers), and then also several books and journaling. I feel like I am off to a good start and I feel very committed.
My husband has obviously had to go through quite a lot and we are slowly building back trust. I lied to him about my drinking for 9 months and it really threatened our marriage. We have 4 kids. I think we are begining to find our balance again and I feel very hopeful. I think my husband does too.
Here's my question: When Al-anon says "Don't let the alcoholic draw you in" what does that mean? I feel like I want my spouse to be sensitive to my feelings and empathetic to the difficult things in my life. I'm not asking him to come to AA meetings with me or go through the steps with me. I feel like I am asking for the same things I would need even if I wasn't a recovered alcoholic. But my husband feels like if I tell him a story from one of my groups (obviously keeping names confidential) and I felt like I'd been attacked in that group, he shouldn't really react. And he questions my need to have him be empathetic with me. He uses the AL-anon phrase "Don't let them draw you in" as a reason for him to stay detached.
So, I should say, I am not making up drama for the sake of drama. I'm pretty focused on being sober and being a good mom, a good spouse, a good daughter and sister, and a good painter (that's my career). I am NOT a drama-maker. But this one situation, people really ganged up on me and I was hurt and I just wanted my husband to sympathize. Do you think that's me trying to draw him in? I'm confused.
I really appreciate any feedback - good bad or ugly.
Thank you!
Well, without knowing any details, I can't really comment on how he should feel about what the group said. Sounds like your husband is walking a fine line...use the tools he's learned in alanon, or support your feelings.
I'd say, cut him some slack. The fact that he's attending alanon classes at all should make you feel better. That's just MHO.
I'd say, cut him some slack. The fact that he's attending alanon classes at all should make you feel better. That's just MHO.
" I felt like I'd been attacked in that group "
Maybe the best way to Deal with your group is at the group or with friends from the group after the mtg. You prob. weren't being attacked but just being called out on some of the things you need to deal with, consider, change, explore, etc.
Often what we don't like is the very thing we need to take a look at.
That being said,
When we go to mtgs. there is a saying, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
I don't think you need your husband to take a position on how you feel abt. what someone at the mtg. said. It is time for you to process your own feelings and let him do the same.
There is plenty you two can discuss that will deepen your relationship. Maybe explore this with your therapist.
How great that you are SOBER and trying hard to rebuild your family.
Remember: progress, not perfection
Maybe the best way to Deal with your group is at the group or with friends from the group after the mtg. You prob. weren't being attacked but just being called out on some of the things you need to deal with, consider, change, explore, etc.
Often what we don't like is the very thing we need to take a look at.
That being said,
When we go to mtgs. there is a saying, "Take what you like and leave the rest."
I don't think you need your husband to take a position on how you feel abt. what someone at the mtg. said. It is time for you to process your own feelings and let him do the same.
There is plenty you two can discuss that will deepen your relationship. Maybe explore this with your therapist.
How great that you are SOBER and trying hard to rebuild your family.
Remember: progress, not perfection
Whether you are trying to draw him in or not is not the issue. It doesn't really matter to me what the drama is...but if I become affected by it in a negative way then I need to detach in order to maintain my serenity.
If I don't do this, I am very likely to start trying to solve somebody else's problem- that's a short step from allowing an outside influences to rule my emotions, attitudes and thoughts.
When I think of step one I need to say that I am powerless over people, places and things. I use a boundary to keep myself from falling into old habits and also to keep me from stressing out over things that I have no control over.
The boundary is not to keep people out- but for protection from things that cause chaos in my thinking and may possibly lead to actions that I would rather not do.
What both suki and Spiritual Seeker said is very wise. He may just need some time and space to work things out for himself and you can do the same.
I need time to heal from the chaos that entered my life due to somebody else's actions. Recovery for an Alanoner is very much like for an alcoholic or an addict...it takes time and patience for others to understand and learn how to do things differently.
If I don't do this, I am very likely to start trying to solve somebody else's problem- that's a short step from allowing an outside influences to rule my emotions, attitudes and thoughts.
When I think of step one I need to say that I am powerless over people, places and things. I use a boundary to keep myself from falling into old habits and also to keep me from stressing out over things that I have no control over.
The boundary is not to keep people out- but for protection from things that cause chaos in my thinking and may possibly lead to actions that I would rather not do.
What both suki and Spiritual Seeker said is very wise. He may just need some time and space to work things out for himself and you can do the same.
I need time to heal from the chaos that entered my life due to somebody else's actions. Recovery for an Alanoner is very much like for an alcoholic or an addict...it takes time and patience for others to understand and learn how to do things differently.
Thanks - I don't know. I'm still confused. He's not attending Al-anon, he just went 5 times about 4 months ago and hasn't gone since.
I wasn't being called out on some of the things I need to deal with (not that they're not there) but rather I was being bullied. It was pretty clear and I had people come to my defense and say so, including the therapist.
I wasn't asking him to process my feelings for me. I was only asking him to be on my side instead of the bully's side. To say something like, "gosh that must have felt bad."
I just didn't understand what that meant. I wasn't trying to draw him in in any way. When he says that, it sounds to me like he's saying he's not letting me manipulate him. And it's a little hurtful. There's no manipulation or drama here.
I'm not asking him to solve my problems. I'm not trying to control or even influence his emotions, attitudes and thoughts. I'm not trying to bring him down or make him feel anything one way or another.
All I was hoping for was that my spouse would make some sort of empathetic statement about an uncomfortable situation I'd been in. And I guess what I was hoping for here is that you could clarify for me whether or not asking for empathy (something to the effect of "Gosh that sounds like it must have been hard for you") can reasonably be considered me trying to draw him in.
To be honest, as I write this, I know I wasn't really hoping you would clarify things one way or another. I was really hoping you would confirm my already pretty set mind that "drawing him in" is a negative type of thing that indicates I might be trying to control him emotionally with drama or alcoholic behavior. And asking for some mild empathy (no one's asking him to fight a dual here) is not the same thing. And if he is needing to detach from being empathetic toward me (it's not just this situation, it's kind of common) that maybe that indicates something about him and about our marriage. And we should address that.
Gosh. I didn't know I thought all of that until I wrote it right now!
Alright. I don't know how this is going to feel when I post it. Sorry if I come off as a jerk. I had some learning typing this, obviously, so there's something good out of it.
Thanks for your help.
I wasn't being called out on some of the things I need to deal with (not that they're not there) but rather I was being bullied. It was pretty clear and I had people come to my defense and say so, including the therapist.
I wasn't asking him to process my feelings for me. I was only asking him to be on my side instead of the bully's side. To say something like, "gosh that must have felt bad."
I just didn't understand what that meant. I wasn't trying to draw him in in any way. When he says that, it sounds to me like he's saying he's not letting me manipulate him. And it's a little hurtful. There's no manipulation or drama here.
I'm not asking him to solve my problems. I'm not trying to control or even influence his emotions, attitudes and thoughts. I'm not trying to bring him down or make him feel anything one way or another.
All I was hoping for was that my spouse would make some sort of empathetic statement about an uncomfortable situation I'd been in. And I guess what I was hoping for here is that you could clarify for me whether or not asking for empathy (something to the effect of "Gosh that sounds like it must have been hard for you") can reasonably be considered me trying to draw him in.
To be honest, as I write this, I know I wasn't really hoping you would clarify things one way or another. I was really hoping you would confirm my already pretty set mind that "drawing him in" is a negative type of thing that indicates I might be trying to control him emotionally with drama or alcoholic behavior. And asking for some mild empathy (no one's asking him to fight a dual here) is not the same thing. And if he is needing to detach from being empathetic toward me (it's not just this situation, it's kind of common) that maybe that indicates something about him and about our marriage. And we should address that.
Gosh. I didn't know I thought all of that until I wrote it right now!
Alright. I don't know how this is going to feel when I post it. Sorry if I come off as a jerk. I had some learning typing this, obviously, so there's something good out of it.
Thanks for your help.
Hi-
First of all Congrats on 117 days sober! That's terrific!
I would say not to get too hung up on hubby's response - you're both pretty new in your recovery. I mean, how long were y'all in the insanity of active alcoholism? It's gonna take some time to try on these new behaviors and see what works and what doesn't.
Us Codies do a lot of damage to ourselves by getting caught up in the dramas of our A loved ones. It can really wear us down, drag us down over the years. When we finally recognize how damaging this has been to ourselves we may swing in the other direction a little too far - but that's a measure of self-protection we have to take.
I would say give him a break, focus on your own recovery and developing some alternate sounding boards for meeting related things.
You're obviously making good progress. Good on you. Your hubbies recovery is his own! There are some good threads/stickies on here about detaching w/ love. You might want to add some of those tips to your bag.
Peace,
B.
First of all Congrats on 117 days sober! That's terrific!
I would say not to get too hung up on hubby's response - you're both pretty new in your recovery. I mean, how long were y'all in the insanity of active alcoholism? It's gonna take some time to try on these new behaviors and see what works and what doesn't.
Us Codies do a lot of damage to ourselves by getting caught up in the dramas of our A loved ones. It can really wear us down, drag us down over the years. When we finally recognize how damaging this has been to ourselves we may swing in the other direction a little too far - but that's a measure of self-protection we have to take.
I would say give him a break, focus on your own recovery and developing some alternate sounding boards for meeting related things.
You're obviously making good progress. Good on you. Your hubbies recovery is his own! There are some good threads/stickies on here about detaching w/ love. You might want to add some of those tips to your bag.
Peace,
B.
mle
Congratulations on your sobriety! That's so wonderful!
I do understand what you are saying. One of the things that is very similar between the codependent and the alcoholic is the need for validation from others.
I know that when I would be upset about something.....anything....I would turn to those around me. I would want them to understand, sympathize, and maybe even say "You're right!" Expecting or anticipating a reaction from another person and then being disappointed when they don't react in that expected manner is a form of manipulation. It is a habit that I still have to work on all the time.....and practice may not make perfect but it sure helps!
Your feelings belong to you. Your husband is really reacting in a very healthy manner. He is allowing you to own your own feelings. It's important to your recovery (and his) that he allow you to do that.
You are not coming off like a jerk at all. You are simply a person who is trying to recover from a very incidious disease. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your husband. The dynamic of your relationship with your husband is changing. It's important that the changes take place but it will take time for you each to become comfortable with each other as the relationship evolves into a healthier one.
And remember......not everyone who goes to AA is in recovery! Some are there because it is court mandated. And all of them are alcoholics in varying stages of recovery (or as mentioned....not in recovery at all.....just attending because they HAVE to in order to avoid jail). Not everything that is said in Alanon or AA is worthwhile. MOST of it is but not all of it. That's why the words "take what you need and leave the rest" are said so often. Alcoholics who are not in recovery can be very mean. Whatever the situation was, if the person was being a bully....disregard them. That person is not responsible or necessary to your recovery.
My RA son said some very wise words to me a couple of weeks ago. He said that recovery is a VERY selfish process. It has to be. He can't worry about what anyone else is doing or thinking or who is drinking and who is not or why some can drink but others can't......it has to be all about his own recovery.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you concentrate on your recovery.
gentle hugs
Congratulations on your sobriety! That's so wonderful!
I do understand what you are saying. One of the things that is very similar between the codependent and the alcoholic is the need for validation from others.
I know that when I would be upset about something.....anything....I would turn to those around me. I would want them to understand, sympathize, and maybe even say "You're right!" Expecting or anticipating a reaction from another person and then being disappointed when they don't react in that expected manner is a form of manipulation. It is a habit that I still have to work on all the time.....and practice may not make perfect but it sure helps!
Your feelings belong to you. Your husband is really reacting in a very healthy manner. He is allowing you to own your own feelings. It's important to your recovery (and his) that he allow you to do that.
You are not coming off like a jerk at all. You are simply a person who is trying to recover from a very incidious disease. Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your husband. The dynamic of your relationship with your husband is changing. It's important that the changes take place but it will take time for you each to become comfortable with each other as the relationship evolves into a healthier one.
And remember......not everyone who goes to AA is in recovery! Some are there because it is court mandated. And all of them are alcoholics in varying stages of recovery (or as mentioned....not in recovery at all.....just attending because they HAVE to in order to avoid jail). Not everything that is said in Alanon or AA is worthwhile. MOST of it is but not all of it. That's why the words "take what you need and leave the rest" are said so often. Alcoholics who are not in recovery can be very mean. Whatever the situation was, if the person was being a bully....disregard them. That person is not responsible or necessary to your recovery.
My RA son said some very wise words to me a couple of weeks ago. He said that recovery is a VERY selfish process. It has to be. He can't worry about what anyone else is doing or thinking or who is drinking and who is not or why some can drink but others can't......it has to be all about his own recovery.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you concentrate on your recovery.
gentle hugs
Thank you for all your responses. I know I'm a ways out from really understanding some of what you said. I know I'm a pretty emotional and sensitive person and I'm sure that's getting in the way here.
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