colagirl

Hi everybody,
Just introducing myself. I'm in my 30s, have a great job, own a house, etc., but drink way too much!

I never even thought about drinking before college, but once I got there and met a lot of people it just naturally followed. I always thought I was drinking like everyone else there (which is to say, a lot and all the time), but looking back I can see that I always took it farther than my friends, always ended up the drunkest, puking in the bathroom, sobbing all over campus while my friends tried to stop the "authorities" from seeing me in my state. Of course in college, it was just funny to everyone.

My mom started drinking when I was in college too... that got me wondering if I was destined to be an alcoholic but I thought I was being paranoid. After college I didn't drink that often but when I did I was often by myself and usually still went overboard. In the past five or so years it became more and more of a habit to have alcohol at home, starting at 3 or so times a week and progressing to a point where I was drunk every night for almost 6 months. Since then I've tried to "cut back", which just means that instead of drinking every night, I drink every other night, or stop for 2 weeks and then drink every night again, etc. In the past few months, I've found that if I have leftover wine from the night before, it's almost impossible for me to not finish it in the morning... which in turn makes me want to go get more alcohol because I don't have as much as I want to drink. This has led to several useless weekend days in which all I've done is sit at home and drink.

I'm usually pretty successful at about the first week of not drinking, then I get confident that everything is fine again and I go buy a bottle, get drunk, and end up sick and really mad at myself in the morning.

I'm really, really scared that I haven't lost enough yet to make me quit. It was so horrible watching my mom go through all of that and I never want to end up in that situation, but I'm afraid it could happen.

Sorry this post was so long... I didn't realize I had so much to say! Thanks for listening.

faith08

welcome to sr! i find myself in your words.... i can definitely sympathize with a lot of your story. im struggling too, but sr is always here. and i think you will find a lot of great ppl too. keep posting cola

Chris1971

I'm pretty new here myself, so I don't have much advice. Just wanted you to know that I'm pulling for you.

CarolD

Please go over to our Alcoholism Forum
and read the 2nd sticky post.

Welcome to our recovery community

XHomebrewer

Welcome to SR. I am new here as well. Some insight to share with you might be that when I have felt, in the past, that my drinking habits were getting out of control, I did many of the same things that you speak of. I think I will go on the wagon "OTW" for a few days or weeks. Well, some sort of event would surely arise, Memorial Day, Labor Day, football game, Tuesday....it was always something to get back to drinking. Its funny, my friends never said that they were going "OTW". They also could stop drinking after a beer or a glass of wine. It seems that the only time I had an open bottle of wine in the fridge was when it was bad wine or it all wouldn't fit in the glass at once. I too am like you. I have always had a good job and never missed work because of drinking. I own a home and make a great living. Unfortunately, I am an addict. I go overboard with many things I do. Working 70-80 hrs a week to drinking high dollar wine and beer. The fact is that no matter how you slice it, I am an addict. It was put to me recently that I should look at alcohol as an allergy to me. I can't drink like most people, just as I can't ride horses. When it was put to me like that...it made sense. Drinking has enabled me to lose the one thing that I have held the closest for the last 22 years. My beautiful Wife. I kept my job and all my material possessions through the years of drinking, and it is a shame because all of that can be replaced. So my words to you are be strong, remember all the bad times and all the times you can't remember. If you drink, I am sure you will have more memories to add to that list. Personally, I don't want to drink because I have blacked out on many memories with my Wife and I don't ever want to forget anymore of life's great experiences. Today may be my last day alive and what a sad day filled with empty time. I want to fill the rest of my life with memories not blackouts. There is a lot of great support here and it is here for you.

Jay

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Just want to say welcome to Cola and Jay..glad that you are here. Lots of good support!

Karen

colagirl

Thanks so much to everybody for the warm welcome! It's nice to not feel so alone, or crazy.

Jay - Thanks for sharing your story, I can relate. I overdo a lot of things too, whether it's my work, taking care of my cats, eating too much ice cream, overthinking a problem, etc. I'm really sorry about your wife and I hope things work out for you.

Carol - thank you for referring me to the "Under the Influence" post. I actually bought the book this weekend after lurking here for awhile and am in the process of reading it.

serenityqueen

Anna

Hi Colagirl,

Welcome, this is a great place for support.

You're at a point where you want to make a major change in your life and we're here to help. You don't need to fall further in order to live a sober life. Take a look around and read and learn.

dramatothemax

Cola, I'm new here as well. Welcome from a fellow newbie.

I really relate to what you said about your drinking habits in college. When I was in college I felt like I was drinking just as much as everyone else, but my reaction to being drunk was something totally different. I guess that's when I should have realized I didn't have a "normal" relationship with drinking.

Best of luck on your search- we are all here for you.

-C.