Need Some Advice On Snooping!!

Old 05-28-2008, 03:48 PM
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Need Some Advice On Snooping!!

OK, what better place to ask than the vast forum section filled with people like me

Ok, things between me and the AW have been going good outside of a few hicups here and there and guess what im doing....FREAKING OUT)(#*$#$*

HEHE

I cannot stop looking for things, looking for something to find shes hiding, or lying about and let me tell you with the field of work I am in there is not damn near a thing I cannot find out which sucks even worse....

So outside of the trying to interject chaos, and justify MY anxiety and feelings with something SHE is doing what are some tips, tricks, exercises to practice to keep myself from doing this with everything that has gone on my anxieties switch from her cheating,lying,using etc etc so its like a huge mess in my head....
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:57 PM
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I don't know, MikeB, but your post has me chuckling with the FREAKING OUT*#!$#&

I think this is where the "one day at a time" thing comes into play, and trying find serenity in the moment instead of worrying about the future and what is not in our control. Maybe you could drop and do twenty every time you find yourself getting ready to snoop? That would cure me.
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Old 05-28-2008, 04:05 PM
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I guess you have to ask yourself if you find something, then what? If you confront her with whatever you find, then what? If you find something that proves your anxieties are just, then what?

I’m not familiar with your entire story so I’ll just add this:

If you are looking for something tangible to move on from this relationship, that’s one thing. But if you have decided to stay with her, then you have to trust her.

For me, if there’s no trust, then there’s no relationship.
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Old 05-28-2008, 05:14 PM
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I was a codie detective who could give the FBI a run for their money when my son lived at home. I could get my cell phone bills faxed to me before they were even mailed (his account was on ours and I liked it that way so I could keep tabs on him *sigh*), I could paste together a subway receipt that had been ripped into a thousand pieces, I could spot dilated pupils a block away, and I could catch him in lies because with lots of practice I got to notice the teeny weeny telltale signs. I was obsessed with "catching him".

And when I did, he either denied everything, made up a lie, or admitted it with a "so what" attitude.

What did I gain? A lot of anxiety, a lot of desperate moments trying to out-think him, and a lot of shame for being so obsessed with saving someone who didn't want saving.

What did I lose? Myself, my serenity, my self respect, my values and a whole bunch of wasted time and money.

Don't feel bad, most of us here have snooped shamelessly until we found that taking care of ourselves was better than "proving that an addict was an addict". Gee, we KNEW that, and he KNEW that...so what was the point?

Glad you're here with us, hope you'll find a meeting or six and find better things to do with your time....like taking very good care of you. You're worth it.

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Old 05-28-2008, 05:24 PM
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Sounds like you are attempting a self-fulfilled prophecy.
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Old 05-28-2008, 05:33 PM
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I think for me it became a habit of sorts. I just felt awful after doing it and I realized for me I had to break it. I did it by making a concious effort to stop it. It doesnt matter if things were good or we were at or lowest..I couldnt stand myself for doing it. I just tried to make myself NOT snoop....it was hard...i slipped a few times...but eventully I stopped. It serves no purpose. Good Luck.
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by hope4always View Post

For me, if there’s no trust, then there’s no relationship.
See thats the catch-22 for me is regaining that trust because to regain it back I have to let go and for me to let go requires trust

Between the using, the other men, the seperation then to an attempted divorce its just reallllly hard somedays all symptoms of her addiction as I say....

Its deffinatly a one day at a time thing with me, and each day is getting better and better but there are somedays where I seriously feel like im on something looking for any clue to answer that gut twisting anxiety of which in the long run resides in me...
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post

And when I did, he either denied everything, made up a lie, or admitted it with a "so what" attitude.
Thats generally what ive been faced in the past when I did find something, i could cross reference phone records to unlisted numbers and call them hiding my number from just about any phone...

.I just dont want to fall back into that pattern, i want to let go and just trust even if I dont really feel I can yet because I have to be able to trust or I will just live in perpetual anxiety forever....BLEHHH
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Old 05-29-2008, 05:00 AM
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I learned very quickly what recovery looks like. If she is doing something shady you will know. Instesd of trying to prove it, I just got to the point that I was ready to do something about it. Deep down I knew that he was going to cheat again as he got away with it once. When you do all that stressing and worrying and investagating, you lose yourself. We all deserve better.
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Old 05-29-2008, 05:20 AM
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Hi Mike,
I know what you are going through, up untill recently Nancy Drew had nothing on me. I was sort of like Ann described a few posts ahead of this one. I had become so good at snooping and going through cell phone records and tracking his every move that I could make a new career being a PI.

What stopped me and what has kept me from doing this again? I had to take a step back and look at how unmanagable my life had become from snooping. It consumed my life. I was just waiting to find something AH was lying about. I would analyze everything AH did and even if he was telling the truth I was still convinced he was lying. To make a long story short, I was making my life and his a living hell. I was causing myself sensless anxiety, loss of sleep and just all around paranoia. It wasn't AH causing that, it was me.

When I snooped and found things, I would confront my AH and I would get a denial or a lie so what was the use of snooping in the first place. I didn't need to validate his drug use, I already knew the truth. Finding drugs wasn't going to change things.

And lastly, I really wanted to make my marriage work and I knew that in order to do that I had to set boundries for myself and invoke a little respect into the relationship even though I was getting none in return. I decided that I wouldent like it if AH went through my car, my bills, my purse or my wallet. It would be violating my personal space and not to mention be very disrespectful. So I decided to give the man a little dignity and respect and not go through his things. Some days I have to keep myself super busy in order to resist the temptation to snoop. But it works and the relationship between my AH and I is much better. He says he is clean, I have my doubts but his program and his sobriety are up to him, not me. If I could snoop him sober he would have been sober a long time ago.

What you are feeling and facing is normal. I think for me, I felt like snooping would be a way of stopping a problem before it happend or a way of protecting AH. In truth I had no control over what my AH did. All my snooping did was make him better at hiding things and me a better PI. A vicious circle that only resulted in pain and anguish.

You will see that in time, your need to snoop will go away. Since I have been working a program I have allowed my HP to take care of things. I know that my HP will show me what I need to know and I will know this without being the super slewth.
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Old 05-29-2008, 08:10 AM
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I understand exactly how you feel. My ex addict boyfriend worked the 11 pm to 7 am shift. I would wait until he left for work and search everywhere. For drugs, phone numbers, anything. Because no matter how much he said he wasn't using. Things just didn't feel right. Sometimes I found things, sometimes not. How many times a week I did this depended on how edgy I felt.

The very last time was in August. I had my grandsons for the night. Per usual, the ex left for work. My grandbabies were sleeping. Yet agian, I'm going top to bottom thur the house. I mean literally. I'm standing on the kitchen counter going over the tops of the cabinets. When I hear this little, giggling. My oldest grandson was standing there giggling his little butt off at me.

The first thought I had was to order him sharply back to bed. But something made me stop and look at myself the way he saw me. Here's his nanny, up on the cabinets, in her nightgown, sweaty as a w***e in Sunday church, hair plastered, sticking up everywhere and filthy.

Of course, it was freaking funny. I climbed off the cabinets,grabbed Boogie and we rolled all over my kichten floor laughing our butts off. I realized then it didn't matter what my ex did. Sooner or later, I would find out. They don't hold their secrets long or well. I would find out when I found out. I would and could deal with it then.

That's what a 3 year little boy taught me early one summer morning. That was the last time I searched my house.
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:52 AM
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I snooped. Everyone told me I was co-dependant and driving myself nuts. One night I didn't do it. Wow, it was liberating!! I did it another night and it was still liberating.

I got an adrenoline rush every time I "scored" some evidence. Findig something justified and encouraged the search. If I came up empty-handed, I was practically disappointed. I had to question my motives because although I said if I found any more proof and I was able to bust him in any more lies - I was outta there. It didn't happen.

I "relapse" sometimes but I tell myself it is just so I don't get complacent. It's an addiction just like the addiction to our addicts.

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Old 05-29-2008, 11:57 AM
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When there has been cheating, lying, using, etc. etc in a marriage and then you both decide to stay together and work on that marriage, you have to let go of the past other wise it will never work.

It’s hard to do, for many impossible, most don’t make it but the ones who do are the ones who forgive, put the past behind them and move into the present and plan for the future.

It doesn’t sound like you are any where near ready to forgive the past. Your daily habits and anxieties are based out of the past and until you can forgive fully and wipe the slate clean, you won’t be able to begin the future.

I would INVESTIGATE your codependency and focus on YOU during this re-building period of your lives.
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:27 PM
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I was another Nancy Drew accomplice! Stopping snooping was really tough for me - but paid off eventually with incredible serenity. Besides, it gave me something to focus on instead of what they are doing - work on me not snooping.

I was taught:
1. It isn't my business. (hold a hula hoop around your waist - and then let go and drop it to the floor - anything outside the hula hoop is not my business - helped me!)
2. I will find out whatever I need to know - when I need to know it - without any effort on my part.

We've all been there - just part of the disease for me.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Old 05-29-2008, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post

It doesn’t sound like you are any where near ready to forgive the past. Your daily habits and anxieties are based out of the past and until you can forgive fully and wipe the slate clean, you won’t be able to begin the future.
Well in a sense your right internally I know this, in the past I have forgiven the past but then the past repeats....its sorta insanity on my end, and while every time the healing begins those things in the past creep up and break down those building blocks.....

Our therapist has been teaching me to let my guard down little by little instead of fully so that when something does come up or happens im not completely devastated...

I am focusing on my recovery this time, which is something ive never done in the past and I hope that in the long run it nets me the strength I need to stand on my own and be stronger each day...
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Old 05-29-2008, 03:18 PM
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MikeB:

If both of you are committed to making your marriage work, and each of you are committed to changing your own separate issues, then chances are things will work out.

And you’re right about the trust issue… that’s something she needs to earn back from you. You are the only one who knows exactly how much trust she’s burned up and if she can earn any of it back.

But you really need to ask yourself the questions I mentioned already. What will happen if you find something? Will you stay with her anyway? Will it be the reason you leave her? “Gut-twisting anxiety” is big stuff. You might want to ask yourself if that kind of anxiety is something you’ll ever be able to quell.
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Old 05-30-2008, 03:55 AM
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what hope4 says is exactly what I did, I stopped and asked myself questions like that and eventually I stopped snooping. little steps brother little steps.
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:38 AM
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When doing my 4th step, I discovered that I did my snooping (and there was alot of it) just to keep the chaos going. I was so used to all the chaos going on in my home that if the alcoholic wasn't creating it - I was.. I am so thankful today, that I don't have to live like that anymore....

Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.

Penny
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Old 05-30-2008, 07:07 AM
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I can still feel my racing heart, heaving breathing, trembling hands and the way the sweat would pop out on my forehead when I would start my search for evidence...euhhh

I am so glad I stopped...
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Old 05-30-2008, 07:37 AM
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It's hard for me because I have a toddler and I feel that I have to provide a safe environment for my child. But, that also doesn't mean that I need to go looking in places where she's not really allowed anyway and try to find things.

I had a bad day yesterday. I went through so much while the baby was sleeping. I was in a frantic state of mind. I found nothing. I even looked in the trash, inside fast food sacks. I have bad days like that sometimes. I'm still working on it.

I do admit that there is a certain peace when I ignore that urge. But, I also am having trouble letting go of the control in a sense because I also think, "if I stop looking, he'll start doing it again because I am no longer vigilant."

Again, I still struggle. I start therapy soon, so maybe I'll have some more insight by then.
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