Getting Used to the Program
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: DFW, Texas
Posts: 2
Getting Used to the Program
Hi all - I'm a newcomer to the forums. I have been with my boyfriend, a recovering alcoholic and addict, for over 4 years. He has been clean for almost 7 years.
When we were first dating, he would occasionally attend meetings and sometimes I would hang out at the groups after hours with him and play cards and dominos with everyone.
He is a musician and spends many nights playing and listening to other bands in bars, and has essentially broken the association between being in bars and getting drunk. He has recently opened his own business and is there the majority of the time. He stopped going to meetings for a couple years, mostly because his priorities were elsewhere and he has expressed that he forgets he has/had a problem with alcohol and substances when he's not being reminded constantly in meetings.
However, he recently expressed an interest in going back to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps again. He still does not feel a desire to use, but wants to learn how to be a better and more responsible person and feels like working steps again can help him with that. He says that most of The Promises have come true for him but he just wants to keep working on things so that, as an example, one day I won't have to leave him a list every morning of what needs to be cleaned or straightened up - he will just be able to see those things himself and do them. Basically, learn more responsibility and become a little less selfish at times. (His words, although I'm all for him learning these things!)
So I am here because I would like to find people in similar situations. I've been to a couple Al-Anon meetings and it seemed everyone there was broken and needed a different kind of help, as their loved one is currently using. I'm looking for a support group of sorts, where I can find "normal" people in relationships with addicts who have been clean for a while.
I've found that the local Al-Anon groups are often full of people who's loved ones recently started using, and they don't know who else to turn to. My issue is, I have never known my loved one to use, and I just want to talk to somebody in similar shoes when certain issues come up.
For instance, what do you do when he has a severe toothache or backache and can't get in to see a doctor for a while? What do you do when you feel like his attending meetings is interfering with some of the only few hours you two had to spend together? Just examples of things I'd like to discuss with someone.
Thanks so much for reading if you made it this far. I'm looking forward to learning a lot from all of you!
When we were first dating, he would occasionally attend meetings and sometimes I would hang out at the groups after hours with him and play cards and dominos with everyone.
He is a musician and spends many nights playing and listening to other bands in bars, and has essentially broken the association between being in bars and getting drunk. He has recently opened his own business and is there the majority of the time. He stopped going to meetings for a couple years, mostly because his priorities were elsewhere and he has expressed that he forgets he has/had a problem with alcohol and substances when he's not being reminded constantly in meetings.
However, he recently expressed an interest in going back to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps again. He still does not feel a desire to use, but wants to learn how to be a better and more responsible person and feels like working steps again can help him with that. He says that most of The Promises have come true for him but he just wants to keep working on things so that, as an example, one day I won't have to leave him a list every morning of what needs to be cleaned or straightened up - he will just be able to see those things himself and do them. Basically, learn more responsibility and become a little less selfish at times. (His words, although I'm all for him learning these things!)
So I am here because I would like to find people in similar situations. I've been to a couple Al-Anon meetings and it seemed everyone there was broken and needed a different kind of help, as their loved one is currently using. I'm looking for a support group of sorts, where I can find "normal" people in relationships with addicts who have been clean for a while.
I've found that the local Al-Anon groups are often full of people who's loved ones recently started using, and they don't know who else to turn to. My issue is, I have never known my loved one to use, and I just want to talk to somebody in similar shoes when certain issues come up.
For instance, what do you do when he has a severe toothache or backache and can't get in to see a doctor for a while? What do you do when you feel like his attending meetings is interfering with some of the only few hours you two had to spend together? Just examples of things I'd like to discuss with someone.
Thanks so much for reading if you made it this far. I'm looking forward to learning a lot from all of you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR!
I've been attending Alanon for many years and the rooms are absolutely full of people who don't even have an alcoholic or addict present in their lives- active or not. Many attend whose family members are no longer alive. My meetings are for 'my' benefit and growth- I learn how I can improve myself and live a more sane and peaceful life.
Meeting memberships can and do vary as people come and go and there are many meetings that have a particular focus.
One thing that all the Alanon meetings have in common is that they are for and about the person attending...not...the alcoholic loved one.
I suggest you try some more meetings, perhaps a few different ones before deciding if it's not for you. Since you have been to a couple of meetings perhaps you have heard the suggestion to try at least six meetings in order to get a good idea of what Alanon is all about.
In case you haven't seen the sticky threads already, they contain alot of useful information and resources.
I've been attending Alanon for many years and the rooms are absolutely full of people who don't even have an alcoholic or addict present in their lives- active or not. Many attend whose family members are no longer alive. My meetings are for 'my' benefit and growth- I learn how I can improve myself and live a more sane and peaceful life.
Meeting memberships can and do vary as people come and go and there are many meetings that have a particular focus.
One thing that all the Alanon meetings have in common is that they are for and about the person attending...not...the alcoholic loved one.
I suggest you try some more meetings, perhaps a few different ones before deciding if it's not for you. Since you have been to a couple of meetings perhaps you have heard the suggestion to try at least six meetings in order to get a good idea of what Alanon is all about.
In case you haven't seen the sticky threads already, they contain alot of useful information and resources.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by BostonLover 
For instance, what do you do when he has a severe toothache or backache and can't get in to see a doctor for a while? What do you do when you feel like his attending meetings is interfering with some of the only few hours you two had to spend together?
As for meetings... If they are needed, they are needed. The alternate isn't acceptable. The reasons why we can be short on time with others is that life requires certain things from us...sleep, meetings as needed, doing laundry, cutting the grass, motorcycle rides, work so we get paid.
Finding the balance can be as simple as putting needs and wants in order as we put the proper priorities on the things we do.
Welcome Bostonlover
I am sure you will find lots of answers here.
I am from Boston and have two pups (Bostons)(son's dogs) in the next room.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: DFW, Texas
Posts: 2
I guess what I failed to say in the OP, is that I'm all for him striving to better himself and I don't mind much that he misses things we had planned to go to meetings now that he's decided to go again. I just want to talk to those in similar situations who can help me know how I can best help him while he is working the steps again and how I can get involved, though not an addict myself I would like to be involved in this process. I think I will try Alanon again thanks to the replies to my post and some other posts I've read this afternoon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Being involved in somebody else's recovery program is not an option for anyone in Alanon, NA or AA. I work on my own recovery and my loved ones work theirs. That's how it works. This is the key issue stressed in Alanon meetings.
At some points we have chosen to attend open meetings with each other but not to be involved.....just to learn and and show support.
A good thing to try is to attend some open meetings where your husband does not attend. This way you can learn how they need to do things in order to find recovery. I did that alot at first. I went to one Alanon meeting and at least two open meetings for AA or NA each week. I learned so much from their example.
At some points we have chosen to attend open meetings with each other but not to be involved.....just to learn and and show support.
A good thing to try is to attend some open meetings where your husband does not attend. This way you can learn how they need to do things in order to find recovery. I did that alot at first. I went to one Alanon meeting and at least two open meetings for AA or NA each week. I learned so much from their example.
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