Abcdefgh

So I have posted previously that my BFs' AD is in rehab for at least another few months and we have been discussing where she will go when she gets out. She is 18 and wants only to be on her own and not "controlled' by her parents. Last night he had a call from her and she went on to tell him that when she gets out, she is moving across the country with a guy she met at the centre!
Seems that she has told her mom the same thing, and mom talked to the counsellors who have made it clear to AD that she is not to be spending so much time with this guy. I really think that she is just hanging out and not buying in to the real reason that she is there. Just like when she was younger, she'd serve the grounding, learn nothing from the punishment and then go right back out and do the same stuff again.
I hope this place can get through to her but all I hear sounds like she is just putting in time.
Does anyone know if a place will typically work with the A to set goals for once they get outside the bubble of the facility?
I am so new to this.

caileesnana

yes, they work with them every day on goals, boundries, triggers etc. the bad part is rehab is just a tool, the addict has to pick up the tool to use it. They also keep them away from each other and discourage bonding, but it happens.

My AD 'did her time' 4-5 times. She has all the tools, just doesn't want to use them.

Sorry you are going through this, it is hard. keep coming back, it really does help.

susan

Chino

If any body has any unresolved co-dependent issues then it isn't a good idea for her or them to be around each other. It would compromise her sobriety and everyone's serenity.

I don't know about biding her time. Is there an incentive other than being clean? Is it court ordered or a lock down facility? I could really be off but I'm having a hard time picturing an addict willingly staying that long in a structured environment, for nothing more than biding time.

Maybe she's going to do something unwise when she's out, maybe she's already a relapse waiting to happen. Right now she probably knows better what kind of structure she doesn't want, than what she does want, but she's still there today laying another brick on her foundation.

Try to figure out what you need for you and her counselors will continue helping her figure out hers.

Abcdefgh

That is true, she knows what she doesn't want, and always has. She doesn't want rules, she doesn't want to be told what to do, she doesn't want to live with her parents. She lives for the moment, follow the party and have fun at all costs.
She went to a big city, got in over her head which led to losing her job and her place to live, and all her possessions. We found her, and she was adamant that she was fine and was going to make it on her own. She never saw herself as hitting bottom, she wanted to stay, but her mom went and got her and took her to the rehab. After 6 weeks, her comment is that she didn't ask to go there and she will take care of herself when she gets out.
Was she addicted? I don't know. She was doing them, no doubt about that, so she may very well be considered addicted, but her biggest problem has always been with authority and I don't know if any kind of therapy can change her point of view.
They have been dealing with her behaviour issues since she was 12 years old and she has seen cousellors for years. She turns the show off and on, I've seen it so many times, and she says what ever she thinks will get her what she wants.
It kills me to see her dad, he just wants his little girl back, and I don't know if he will ever see her again.

Chino

My daughter and I talked about this a couple of days ago. I insisted she detox a year ago but it wasn't willingly, and in hindsight it's no wonder she relapsed. I controlled her addiction a few days but then it was gone.

I don't regret it and I told my daughter that. I reminded her of every time she took a step toward recovery and mentioned how good it felt to be clean. That's why I don't regret it! It gave her a taste and maybe saved her to live to see this day.

It was a jump start for her but that's all and that's another reason I don't regret it... was a learning experience for me too. She had to own her addiction, not me, before she could get where she is right now, in rehab because she wants to be there.

I feel bad for your husband. He may or may not get his daughter back and who knows when, but this is going to sound rough... the little girl he once knew is gone. Especially since she's had issues from around 12. She might still be 12 emotionally, but there's other stuff in mixed in now and it's permanently a part of her.

Abcdefgh

You are so right. That girl is gone but I don't know what it is going to take for him to realize that. I'm really hoping that he will get himself some counselling to deal with this. He is very resistant to it, but he knows it helped him with his divorce so hopefully he will see the benefit of it now.