What about me??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
What about me??
It seems like since my husband has went into rehab 6 weeks ago everything has been about him. I have had to take at least a week off work while he was impatient. I have not been able to see my counselor. I finally got my first haircut in 6 months this weekend because I knew he would be home to watch the kids I scheduled and said "I am going no matter what! " He just finished Intensive outpatient therapy 3 nights a week so I was like oh yes, I can schedule a much needed counseling appointment for MYself. Again he comes home and says he scheduled an appointment at the same time and his is of course more important than mine so I must cancel. He doesn't seem to understand why I am upset. He has has tons of counseling in the last 6 weeks I just want 45 minutes!!!! I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I am constantly taking time off of work and neglecting myself so he can go to AA, Suboxone clinic, counselors, and school. Oh and another thing I am so sick of him not accomplishing anything because of his famous excuse "I got side tracked again!!" This is why he is on adderrall I thought to focus and stop getting side tracked all the time but it doesn't seem to be working.
Sorry I just had to vent!!
Any advice on how to manage all this and take care of 2 small boys without totally going insane would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry I just had to vent!!
Any advice on how to manage all this and take care of 2 small boys without totally going insane would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Wow, it sounds like you are taking care of everyone!
I don't have any words of advice, since I haven't been in your situation. Is there anyone else that can watch the kids?
I'm a recovering addict, and although we do have to focus on our recovery early on, we can't just take a "day pass" and stop dealing with the reality of life. I still had to work, pay bills, deal with creditors, etc.
I don't know if explaining this to him will do any good. I'm sure that other's will be along with more ES&H.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't have any words of advice, since I haven't been in your situation. Is there anyone else that can watch the kids?
I'm a recovering addict, and although we do have to focus on our recovery early on, we can't just take a "day pass" and stop dealing with the reality of life. I still had to work, pay bills, deal with creditors, etc.
I don't know if explaining this to him will do any good. I'm sure that other's will be along with more ES&H.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
I bet things were all about him before he went into rehab, too...They usually are 
The fact that he's been in rehab for 6 weeks but you haven't had a haircut in 6 months says it all.
My only "advice" is to look for, ask for, and utilize any resources you might have available...Do you have a friend, neighbor or family member who can watch the kids for an hour or two? Does your counselor have a waiting area where children could be watched and kept busy with a few toys while you're in a session? Do you go to Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings and, if so, do they have a way to take the kids...or is there another struggling mother in the group who might be willing to "take turns" with you on babysitting so both of you can get to appointments?
There are often options if you simply reach out and ask others for help. That's something I know many of us (including myself) are usually loathe to do, but we need to get over it.
The fact that he's been in rehab for 6 weeks but you haven't had a haircut in 6 months says it all.My only "advice" is to look for, ask for, and utilize any resources you might have available...Do you have a friend, neighbor or family member who can watch the kids for an hour or two? Does your counselor have a waiting area where children could be watched and kept busy with a few toys while you're in a session? Do you go to Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings and, if so, do they have a way to take the kids...or is there another struggling mother in the group who might be willing to "take turns" with you on babysitting so both of you can get to appointments?
There are often options if you simply reach out and ask others for help. That's something I know many of us (including myself) are usually loathe to do, but we need to get over it.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Adderall can give you good energy, but I'm not sure about the focus. I was on it for a year for ADD. I had a lot of "half finished projects" because I had good, happy energy, but I would never finish a darn thing.
Tortoise and the Hare...
Slow and steady wins the race!
Tortoise and the Hare...
Slow and steady wins the race!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Cen 16
It sure would be nice if counseling offices and naranon had babysitting available my life would be much easier. My neighbors are not ones to babysit. My parents and sister don't live close by. I used to have a babysitter but she is too busy.
My husband did watch the boys tonight so I could go to a chit chat I think it's like alanon on with feedback from the group. I felt like the oddball one there. Most of them were parents of addicts and older couples. Nobody in there could relate to someone with 2 young kids. They all said they were feeling great today and I was the only miserable one tonight. Since I have been home I feel a huge amount of anger toward my husband. Sometimes I feel ready to forgive and move on and then other days I have so much anger I hate him for what he has done.
It sure would be nice if counseling offices and naranon had babysitting available my life would be much easier. My neighbors are not ones to babysit. My parents and sister don't live close by. I used to have a babysitter but she is too busy.
My husband did watch the boys tonight so I could go to a chit chat I think it's like alanon on with feedback from the group. I felt like the oddball one there. Most of them were parents of addicts and older couples. Nobody in there could relate to someone with 2 young kids. They all said they were feeling great today and I was the only miserable one tonight. Since I have been home I feel a huge amount of anger toward my husband. Sometimes I feel ready to forgive and move on and then other days I have so much anger I hate him for what he has done.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
He gives me the guilt trip like I am interfering with his treatment. Then he threatened to stop taking his suboxone because that is what the appointment is for. I feel like I am damned if I do damned if I don't.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
I am the mom of two small kids with a husband in IOP and let me say this - you MUST get yourself another babysitter. I know it is hard, especially when they are young. Are you near a college? Call the dept for education majors and ask if there is anyone looking to make extra money by babysitting. Call your local school district and see if there are any teachers or aides looking to make extra money (especially during the summer). Of course check their references, and stay with them the first time or two they are with your kids (until you feel comfortable). Then GO OUT - to al-anon, nar-anon, your therapist, a haircut, massage, etc. Go wherever you have to go.
I feel terribly trapped sometimes because of my situation, and I was having a tough time getting out to al-anon. My kids are both in school now (oldest in 1/2 day kindy and youngest in a preschool) and they overlap in school by exactly 95 minutes. I started scheduling my counseling appts for about 10 minutes after my kindergartener got on the bus, then I'd rush home to get the preschooler right afterwards. Your kids might be younger and not in school yet, though (and school is about to end here so I'm up the creek with that anyway).
My point is, be creative, think outside the box. It is imperative that you get your "me" time that most wives would get from a non-addicted spouse. I've learned to be selfish and schedule it, even though it costs money and things are tight. I am a happier person when I get to al-anon, and it makes me a better mom when I am happy.
Hang in there.
I feel terribly trapped sometimes because of my situation, and I was having a tough time getting out to al-anon. My kids are both in school now (oldest in 1/2 day kindy and youngest in a preschool) and they overlap in school by exactly 95 minutes. I started scheduling my counseling appts for about 10 minutes after my kindergartener got on the bus, then I'd rush home to get the preschooler right afterwards. Your kids might be younger and not in school yet, though (and school is about to end here so I'm up the creek with that anyway).
My point is, be creative, think outside the box. It is imperative that you get your "me" time that most wives would get from a non-addicted spouse. I've learned to be selfish and schedule it, even though it costs money and things are tight. I am a happier person when I get to al-anon, and it makes me a better mom when I am happy.
Hang in there.
Armchair Revolutionary
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lawnguyland
Posts: 116
aww thats horrible to hear. you can't really fix him by putting him on adderrall or anything, you can only stand up for yourself and hope that will show him the error of his ways. most of the time i think selfish people are that way because no one's bluntly told them how they act. seething helps no one, least of all you.
Adderrall does screwy things to the mind. My parents tried to drug me up to make me do better in school (granted, back then the big thing was ritalin, but i do adderrall now and trust me its the same crap). gives you all kinds of manic energy or turns you into a robot. either way, your not really that great at relating to people.
I'm NOT saying any of this is your fault, but i bet that needing to care for him is causing you a lot of this heartache. He's a grown man, you don't have to walk on eggshells lest he start drinking again.
Adderrall does screwy things to the mind. My parents tried to drug me up to make me do better in school (granted, back then the big thing was ritalin, but i do adderrall now and trust me its the same crap). gives you all kinds of manic energy or turns you into a robot. either way, your not really that great at relating to people.
I'm NOT saying any of this is your fault, but i bet that needing to care for him is causing you a lot of this heartache. He's a grown man, you don't have to walk on eggshells lest he start drinking again.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Also wanted to add, my AH is currently on adderall and I think it is part of his problem. He isn't at a point where he can admit to that yet... but that is my opinion. His downward spiral really escalated when he started taking that drug almost 2 years ago. I have done some research and it DOES make some people lose complete track of time when they take it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
I do stand up for myself and tell him how selfish he is and he either says Oh I have to be to stay sober and take care of myself now or he says I just want someone perfect and he isn't perfect and neither is any other guy out there. When I start thinking about divorce he says oh you think you have it hard now just wait until you are living alone with the kids.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by thisisnotmylife 
I do stand up for myself and tell him how selfish he is and he either says Oh I have to be to stay sober and take care of myself now or he says I just want someone perfect and he isn't perfect and neither is any other guy out there. When I start thinking about divorce he says oh you think you have it hard now just wait until you are living alone with the kids.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"just wait until you are living alone with the kids."
My own experience has been that all the post-divorce years of financial strife, struggling for childcare, carpools, loneliness, dating again (UGH! not fun...at first ;-) ), still having to deal w/ him as their dad, and maintain good relations w/ his family - has been WAY easier than a single DAY in my lousy marriage.
I kid you not.
Never underestimate the enormous amount of energy and strength you have been using thisisnotmylife to deal with this addicted partner.
When you put that powerhouse into your own recovery and your own needs - WATCH OUT WORLD!!
Peace,
B
My own experience has been that all the post-divorce years of financial strife, struggling for childcare, carpools, loneliness, dating again (UGH! not fun...at first ;-) ), still having to deal w/ him as their dad, and maintain good relations w/ his family - has been WAY easier than a single DAY in my lousy marriage.
I kid you not.
Never underestimate the enormous amount of energy and strength you have been using thisisnotmylife to deal with this addicted partner.
When you put that powerhouse into your own recovery and your own needs - WATCH OUT WORLD!!
Peace,
B
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Thisisnotmylife quote:
“Since I have been home I feel a huge amount of anger toward my husband. Sometimes I feel ready to forgive and move on and then other days I have so much anger I hate him for what he has done.”
Is it your husband you need to forgive or is that something you should be giving to yourself?
Thisisnotmylife quote:
“He gives me the guilt trip like I am interfering with his treatment. Then he threatened to stop taking his suboxone because that is what the appointment is for. I feel like I am damned if I do damned if I don't.”
But you can only do so much. You can’t be allowing someone – anyone – to pull you in more directions than you can go. You will drive yourself right into a rubber room.
Seriously. It sounds to me like you need a break and you really need to stand up for yourself and say to him “I am giving myself a break. Deal with it.”
Thisisnotmylife quote:
“I do stand up for myself and tell him how selfish he is and he either says Oh I have to be to stay sober and take care of myself now or he says I just want someone perfect and he isn't perfect and neither is any other guy out there. When I start thinking about divorce he says oh you think you have it hard now just wait until you are living alone with the kids.”
Standing up means not backing down. If you say you are going to do something (hair appointment, meeting, etc) and he tries to deter you from doing it, you do it anyway. If that means you have to bring the kids with you, then you bring them with you.
Right now he knows you will do his bidding without any resistance. Until you begin to change this, this is the way it will remain.
“Since I have been home I feel a huge amount of anger toward my husband. Sometimes I feel ready to forgive and move on and then other days I have so much anger I hate him for what he has done.”
Is it your husband you need to forgive or is that something you should be giving to yourself?
Thisisnotmylife quote:
“He gives me the guilt trip like I am interfering with his treatment. Then he threatened to stop taking his suboxone because that is what the appointment is for. I feel like I am damned if I do damned if I don't.”
But you can only do so much. You can’t be allowing someone – anyone – to pull you in more directions than you can go. You will drive yourself right into a rubber room.
Seriously. It sounds to me like you need a break and you really need to stand up for yourself and say to him “I am giving myself a break. Deal with it.”
Thisisnotmylife quote:
“I do stand up for myself and tell him how selfish he is and he either says Oh I have to be to stay sober and take care of myself now or he says I just want someone perfect and he isn't perfect and neither is any other guy out there. When I start thinking about divorce he says oh you think you have it hard now just wait until you are living alone with the kids.”
Standing up means not backing down. If you say you are going to do something (hair appointment, meeting, etc) and he tries to deter you from doing it, you do it anyway. If that means you have to bring the kids with you, then you bring them with you.
Right now he knows you will do his bidding without any resistance. Until you begin to change this, this is the way it will remain.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Originally Posted by mizserenity
Also wanted to add, my AH is currently on adderall and I think it is part of his problem. He isn't at a point where he can admit to that yet... but that is my opinion. His downward spiral really escalated when he started taking that drug almost 2 years ago. I have done some research and it DOES make some people lose complete track of time when they take it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
Thisisnotmylife quote:
“I do stand up for myself and tell him how selfish he is and he either says Oh I have to be to stay sober and take care of myself now or he says I just want someone perfect and he isn't perfect and neither is any other guy out there. When I start thinking about divorce he says oh you think you have it hard now just wait until you are living alone with the kids.”
Honey, it sounds to me like he is still manipulating you and trying to scare you. I lived it for 8 years along with the threat of "I will take you to court and get custody of our son", well, let me tell you since I booted my CAH out the door I have found that things are sooooo much more peaceful in my life.
He is probably afraid of losing you and is trying to intimidate you by trying to lower your self-esteem and make you think that you cannot make it on your own. Let me tell you , you can do it if you chose to do so. I had not worked in many years due to a mutual agreement that I would stay home and raise our only son, so when it all went to hell in a handbasket I was left high and dry, had to borrow money from my sister to be able to buy milk , bread and be able to put gas in my vehicle to be able to go to work . I printed off a bunch of flyers, ran an ad in a local paper and started cleaning houses,mainly because I needed cash and quick. Now I have houses everyday and am soon goint to have to get help for me as it is getting to be more than I can handle and my CAH is really pissed cause I AM doing it and he doesn't even have gas money or money for a pack of cigarettes.I am paying the bills and , no, we don't have alot of things we are use to having, but we do have one thing we are not use to having and that is peace of mind.
Don't get me wrong and think that I am trying to tell you to leave your husband, I am just letting you know that his threats of how bad it would be on your own are just meant to intimidate you because deep down he most probably knows that once you figured out that you could do it on your own and not have to put up with all the drama you would not want to go back to the constant turmoil you are living in now.
I admire that you are trying to work things out, but as others before me have stated, until you put your foot down and draw your lines in the sand and stick to them he will keep doing the same things to you. Be forewarned that if and when you do stand up to him and stick to it he will be royally pissed off because that is when he loses total control over you and you begin to take control of your own life.They never like that!!!!
Good Luck!!!!
“I do stand up for myself and tell him how selfish he is and he either says Oh I have to be to stay sober and take care of myself now or he says I just want someone perfect and he isn't perfect and neither is any other guy out there. When I start thinking about divorce he says oh you think you have it hard now just wait until you are living alone with the kids.”
Honey, it sounds to me like he is still manipulating you and trying to scare you. I lived it for 8 years along with the threat of "I will take you to court and get custody of our son", well, let me tell you since I booted my CAH out the door I have found that things are sooooo much more peaceful in my life.
He is probably afraid of losing you and is trying to intimidate you by trying to lower your self-esteem and make you think that you cannot make it on your own. Let me tell you , you can do it if you chose to do so. I had not worked in many years due to a mutual agreement that I would stay home and raise our only son, so when it all went to hell in a handbasket I was left high and dry, had to borrow money from my sister to be able to buy milk , bread and be able to put gas in my vehicle to be able to go to work . I printed off a bunch of flyers, ran an ad in a local paper and started cleaning houses,mainly because I needed cash and quick. Now I have houses everyday and am soon goint to have to get help for me as it is getting to be more than I can handle and my CAH is really pissed cause I AM doing it and he doesn't even have gas money or money for a pack of cigarettes.I am paying the bills and , no, we don't have alot of things we are use to having, but we do have one thing we are not use to having and that is peace of mind.
Don't get me wrong and think that I am trying to tell you to leave your husband, I am just letting you know that his threats of how bad it would be on your own are just meant to intimidate you because deep down he most probably knows that once you figured out that you could do it on your own and not have to put up with all the drama you would not want to go back to the constant turmoil you are living in now.
I admire that you are trying to work things out, but as others before me have stated, until you put your foot down and draw your lines in the sand and stick to them he will keep doing the same things to you. Be forewarned that if and when you do stand up to him and stick to it he will be royally pissed off because that is when he loses total control over you and you begin to take control of your own life.They never like that!!!!
Good Luck!!!!
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