four812

i'm staying clean. I'm walking through my pain and insecuritioes and life challengies.

and also last night, for the first time in a couple years or longer, I went straight home after taking my children to a basketball game.

so today is the start of my 15th day clean and sober. I'm starting to believ, more and more, that I can have sustainable sobriety

thanks

Emily2002

((((splash))))

SO happy for you!!! I'm sure this is just the beginning of many wonderful "firsts" in a long time.

Continue to believe...

Anna

Good for you kspash!

I think there is no other way, than going through all the feelings. There is no way around it, if you want to recover, but to deal with all the stuff.

Tazman53

Congrats on the 15 days, keep it up.

SoBearish

Good Job!!!! Proud of you!!

four812

i appreciate the responses.

I'm lonely today. very lonely. It's like I want so much from my girlfriend, but it's not there for her. It used to be. Before i HURT her so many times...going out and using and disappearing for the night. Abandoning her when we had plans.

now that i'm clean and it's spring and I had this re-falling into infatuation state of love with her, I want to touch and hug and talk and get lost in eachother's eyes. It's way to much for me to ask of her. but it's in me, and since I cant get the responses that I WANT, I'm feeling rejection through my for chunks of each day.

yesterday we were together, gardening, and I felt so close to her. It was cool. I was learning about gardening and it was so nice and I felt like the "creator" of the garden (s) that we were tending to. we worked together. we worked and created seperately........but then it ended. I had to leave. when I got back home she was sleeping, and now it's the next day, and the lonliness is sticking inside of my stomach.

this feeling in my stomach is the sensation that has led me out to use many times. I'm getting used to it. I'm wanting to use less because of this feeling. I'm letting the feeling be inside of me. I'm seeing that using will only make it worse in the long run, because it is a behavior of isolation for me which adds to my lonliness.

i want to learn to be healthy. I want to be able to be less lonely in my own world, my own mind....and not need someone else to take that away and not bring those kind of expectations to my girlfriend.

this is very hard for me....now for the last three years i have not had enough dependence in our relationship to feel lonely because of not receiveing her love and attention. besides her love and attention was always there then. well now I've jumped into wanting relations, communication, growth, what she's wanted from me all along, but she is not there to really receive it. i've hurt her too much. i'm wanting too much to soon.

things can be mended, maybe, over time. only time will tell. so for now, and always, i simply got to take it one day at a time---in my relationship with her, with myself, with the universe. I've gtot to open my eyes and look out at the life around me through the lense of love that I always saw the world through when I was, say 8 years old.

OK I'm staying clean today....even if i don't feel real good....even if I feel very bad....and especially if I feel real good.....I will not let the feelings of happiness and love and connectedness fool me into wanting more and more of it and then using. using does not bring anything good to me. it is only my existence in the darkness when I use.

thanks for listening

least

I feel much the same. Now that I'm suddenly not drinking I want to suddenly have a good life, and it doesn't happen that fast. Really glad you're staying clean and sober and big congratulations on your clean and sober time so far!!:ghug2