where i was, and where i am :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
where i was, and where i am :)
" why cant i beat this?
Hi everyone im new to this site and feel desperately in need of some support today.
My drinking career began in my teens, im now 29 and things are just getting so out of control.
I fooled myself into thinking i didnt have a problem, at the start of the year i told my self it was simply circumstance that had made my drinking spiral in the last three or four years- and that now the issues that MADE me drink had gone- my drinking would somehow become *back in control*
And so i proved it to everyone that i was *ok* , i began running 13 miles, eating really healthily, embarking on various college courses and applying for lots of jobs, in the vain attempt to make myself believe i was fine.
And i left the drink alone, for a week, or two, then id try and drink *just a glass* to prove to myself that i wasnt an addict, it seemed to work for a while and i was feeling so much better, my self esteem was better, things were getting done, my moods were better , things were looking up for me-
But here i am YET AGAIN, paranoid, scared and mostly angry with a hangover from hell, feeling EXACTLY the same as before i *started to stop*
EVERYTHING HAS GONE FULL CIRCLE AND I FEEL EVEN MORE HELPLESS AND LESS ABLE TO ADDRESS IT AS I CAN SEE WHAT A PATHETIC FAILURE I AM!
I simply dont understand why i continue to obsess about and put something into my body that makes me feel so bad and suicidal.
I feel like the last three months were a waste of time and im now right back at square one.
Help please im terrified of life-
Im starting to think its just going to get the better of me and i should just give in and accept it.
Ive even sat and discussed my alcoholic brother and how tragic he is with my family- what a hypocrite i have become!"
Well, that was me ^ posting on this forum 60 days ago from today,
Its really uncomfortable for me to read, but i wanted to post this to show how sobriety CAN be achieved, even when you are totally desperate and have given up on life.
I also wanted to give myself and others a stark reminder of where i will end up if i become complacent.
Im by no means recovered yet, but i have gained so much and learnt so much about myself in the last 60 days.
I was suicidal that day, i literally felt the ends of sanity slipping through my fingers, i wanted to die.
Im starting to laugh again just recently, REALLY laugh, and im taking delight in things i previously would have taken for granted,
I guess i just feel extremely grateful to be alive.
Hi everyone im new to this site and feel desperately in need of some support today.
My drinking career began in my teens, im now 29 and things are just getting so out of control.
I fooled myself into thinking i didnt have a problem, at the start of the year i told my self it was simply circumstance that had made my drinking spiral in the last three or four years- and that now the issues that MADE me drink had gone- my drinking would somehow become *back in control*
And so i proved it to everyone that i was *ok* , i began running 13 miles, eating really healthily, embarking on various college courses and applying for lots of jobs, in the vain attempt to make myself believe i was fine.
And i left the drink alone, for a week, or two, then id try and drink *just a glass* to prove to myself that i wasnt an addict, it seemed to work for a while and i was feeling so much better, my self esteem was better, things were getting done, my moods were better , things were looking up for me-
But here i am YET AGAIN, paranoid, scared and mostly angry with a hangover from hell, feeling EXACTLY the same as before i *started to stop*
EVERYTHING HAS GONE FULL CIRCLE AND I FEEL EVEN MORE HELPLESS AND LESS ABLE TO ADDRESS IT AS I CAN SEE WHAT A PATHETIC FAILURE I AM!
I simply dont understand why i continue to obsess about and put something into my body that makes me feel so bad and suicidal.
I feel like the last three months were a waste of time and im now right back at square one.
Help please im terrified of life-
Im starting to think its just going to get the better of me and i should just give in and accept it.
Ive even sat and discussed my alcoholic brother and how tragic he is with my family- what a hypocrite i have become!"
Well, that was me ^ posting on this forum 60 days ago from today,
Its really uncomfortable for me to read, but i wanted to post this to show how sobriety CAN be achieved, even when you are totally desperate and have given up on life.
I also wanted to give myself and others a stark reminder of where i will end up if i become complacent.
Im by no means recovered yet, but i have gained so much and learnt so much about myself in the last 60 days.
I was suicidal that day, i literally felt the ends of sanity slipping through my fingers, i wanted to die.
Im starting to laugh again just recently, REALLY laugh, and im taking delight in things i previously would have taken for granted,
I guess i just feel extremely grateful to be alive.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by supernothing 
Im starting to laugh again just recently, REALLY laugh, and im taking delight in things i previously would have taken for granted,
I guess i just feel extremely grateful to be alive.
I wonder...was that first laugh you remember over something silly that you never thought you would laugh about at all? It sure felt good to me and I still smile about it to this day. I had a feeling like I gained back my innocence.
It only gets better.
Continue to enjoy the ride to the fullest. A sober life is a fun filled life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Congratulations on your sobriety!!!
I'm afraid to read my old posts cause they were so full of despair and hopelessness and depression. Now that I've got twelve days sober I'm starting to feel whole again and I too can laugh again. Thank you for reminding me where you came from, where we all came from, and where we can be if we stay sober!
:ghug3
lots of love, least
I'm afraid to read my old posts cause they were so full of despair and hopelessness and depression. Now that I've got twelve days sober I'm starting to feel whole again and I too can laugh again. Thank you for reminding me where you came from, where we all came from, and where we can be if we stay sober!:ghug3
lots of love, least
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Please change your name. You certainly can't identify with that name. Thank you so much for that post. It is so very inspiring with quite a lesson in it. If you're in AA I hope you can share that with them. I am sure that would help many people. Congratulations and keep on keeping on!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Thanks for sharing!!! What a great idea to juxtapose the two posts...
As Least pointed out, it might be good for some of us to look back at our own early, desparate thoughts to remind us that sobriety's the only way to enjoy life.
As Least pointed out, it might be good for some of us to look back at our own early, desparate thoughts to remind us that sobriety's the only way to enjoy life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by least
Congratulations on your sobriety!!! I'm afraid to read my old posts cause they were so full of despair and hopelessness and depression. Now that I've got twelve days sober I'm starting to feel whole again and I too can laugh again. Thank you for reminding me where you came from, where we all came from, and where we can be if we stay sober!
:ghug3
lots of love, least
I'm afraid to read my old posts cause they were so full of despair and hopelessness and depression. Now that I've got twelve days sober I'm starting to feel whole again and I too can laugh again. Thank you for reminding me where you came from, where we all came from, and where we can be if we stay sober!:ghug3
lots of love, least
I was scared to look up this post, mainly because it brought back such horrific feelings/ memories for me- part of recovering for me is learning to step out of my comfort zone sometimes, i find it makes me stronger and helps me get perspective, You have come a VERY long way too honey, i hope one day you will realise this.
Love.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I'm glad you're doing so well.
And, I think it's often a good idea to look at how far we've come, especially during the tough times. I know sometimes I feel as if I'm spinning my wheels, but then I look back at where I was.
And, I think it's often a good idea to look at how far we've come, especially during the tough times. I know sometimes I feel as if I'm spinning my wheels, but then I look back at where I was.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Super,
I'm so proud of you!! And thank you for sharing the older post. I do think it's helpful for everyone starting out to see how quickly we can begin wot really see the signs of true recovery and that it can be so incredibly life-changing. My life now (after just slightly more time in recovery than you) is also almost unrecognizable from my previous life. I'm not always sure others around me can tell (my mother says she can unequivacably) but my daily existence feels utterly transformed.
Thank you. And I am really so, so happy for you.
Someone asked you to change your name - I don't mind it because I just call you "Super!" which you are. But I do notice your signature phrase - "I make the right moves but I'm lost within." and wonder if maybe that's not due for an update?
Love, MLE
I'm so proud of you!! And thank you for sharing the older post. I do think it's helpful for everyone starting out to see how quickly we can begin wot really see the signs of true recovery and that it can be so incredibly life-changing. My life now (after just slightly more time in recovery than you) is also almost unrecognizable from my previous life. I'm not always sure others around me can tell (my mother says she can unequivacably) but my daily existence feels utterly transformed.
Thank you. And I am really so, so happy for you.
Someone asked you to change your name - I don't mind it because I just call you "Super!" which you are. But I do notice your signature phrase - "I make the right moves but I'm lost within." and wonder if maybe that's not due for an update?
Love, MLE
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 157
thanks MLE, my mum did say that she " enjoys my company" these days last week- may not SOUND like much but believe me coming from MY mum, it really is.......
I think the best comment i received when i mentioned in passing to big drinker hubby that i have 60 days was " see? you dont even miss it now do you ?" :rof
He really couldnt understand why i fell about laughing at that one, but hey, at least i laughed, 6 weeks ago id be hunting for the carving knives...... (jk
).
Might see about changing that signature at some point, just dont want to get ahead of myself
I think the best comment i received when i mentioned in passing to big drinker hubby that i have 60 days was " see? you dont even miss it now do you ?" :rof
He really couldnt understand why i fell about laughing at that one, but hey, at least i laughed, 6 weeks ago id be hunting for the carving knives...... (jk
).Might see about changing that signature at some point, just dont want to get ahead of myself
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Super,
Gosh!! I can't believe what a good job you're doing when I remember your situation with your husband!! One of these days, hopefully, he's going to look back and soberly be so impressed with you! I mean, maybe he'll find his way to sobriety one day. And he'll realize how difficult he made things for you. And he'll tell you what a rock star you are.
Hey, we can dream, right?
Love, MLE
Gosh!! I can't believe what a good job you're doing when I remember your situation with your husband!! One of these days, hopefully, he's going to look back and soberly be so impressed with you! I mean, maybe he'll find his way to sobriety one day. And he'll realize how difficult he made things for you. And he'll tell you what a rock star you are.
Hey, we can dream, right?
Love, MLE
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