wantstobehappy

I don't know where else to ask for help.
Ive been telling myself and my friends that my drinking had gotten better. Well thats true in the fact that im drinking on less occasions. the amount I am drinking has gone way way up. Im having nights where I am finishing off BOTTLES of gin in a matter of hours. It's like this switch gets turned on and I cant turn it off.
I spoke with a few of my friends about getting help two weeks ago when I embarrassed the hell out of myself at a bar with some co workers and the feedback I got was "why do you need help your not an alcoholic". While maybe thats true I do have a DRINKING PROBLEM. I guess at this point the vocabulary doesn't really matter its what Im trying to get fixed that does...i need to fix me and whether that means I can eventually drink again or not isn't all the important. I just want to stop this cycle. Drink get depressed drink some more pass out or blackout, wake up more depressed alone and hungover, reach for a drink again. This has been going on for a month or so where im drinking so much in a two day streak i just totally pass out cold in the middle of doing stuff. the other day i was drinking a gatorade (like thats going to make me any less hungover after that much booze right) and it spilled all over the couch and floor because i just passed out while drinking it. Right now I am in pretty bad shape. Throwing up all day, cant eat, pretty shaky and im burned and bruised...how that happened im not all that sure. My problem is starting to spill into others lives too. I was babysitting the other night while I was drinking. my nephew could have cut his hand off and I would have had no control, then I verbally assaulted my ex via text message going so far as to text him "i ******* hate you". Nice right? I have an appointment with a counselor in a little over a week. Im hoping that I can get some of this off my chest without feeling ashamed...If all goes well I might go a step further and go to a meeting. Im telling you all of this because you feel very safe to me and I know you have nothing to lose by telling me the truth...which I already know is that I need to get help. All of my other friends have to admit that they too have a drinking problem if I have one. My sister told me this morning she cant even believe im alive after how much I drank last night...she admits to having a drinking problem as well. An entire bottle of gin in less than five hours! I'm in alot of pain physically and emotionally and I just really really want some feedback here. I mean did you have those same feelings when you reached out for help? Or am I crazy? I just want to know that this can stop and I don't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it anymore. I'm better than this. Also I keep telling myself that I'm drinking so much because of a recent breakup...recent being 10 months. "I'm still not over it". When I look back though I have always been a crazy drinker. One night stands, broken foot, weird fights, all because I drank too much. It feels good to get all of this off of my chest but it's scary to know that I have to take this step now to get help. I'm really ready to be done with alcohol. Then again Ive told myself that i don't know how many times "this is the last time". I just want to be happy again. I watched my own father die of alcoholism and here i sit spilling my guts at age 27 with the same issues. I think part of the reason I drink is to forget about all the stupid stuff I do WHILE im drinking. what kind of sense does that make? Im ready I just want to know that im not alone in this I guess...thats why im posting. Now I just need a cure for this hangover and Ill be set!
Please write back and tell me what you think
Thanks

DSodaNow

(((Wants to be Happy)))
I can really relate to you and how you are feeling. I am 29 years old and was in your shoes just over a month ago. I admitted to myself that I had a DRINKING PROBLEM years ago, but you know what.... that problem never got better.... and my drinking problem turned into a huge inner nightmare!

A little over 30 days ago, I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. I felt many of the things that you have talked about and it was all very scary.

It sounds to me that you have a desire to quit drinking and that is huge!
I would suggest that you find an AA meeting in your area and go check it out. It has really made a huge difference in my life. A lot of it is still intimidating to me, but until I can find a better solution to my problem I am going to keep with it.

I don't want to live in the painful cycles anymore. I want to feel reality and my emotions... good and bad.

I hope that some of my words have helped. Keep in touch with us here and let us know how you are doing. I have found a lot of strength on this site.

:ghug

least

I think you're on the right track: seeing a counselor, going to meetings, are all good ways to start living sober. You should probably also call your doctor and tell him/her you want to stop drinking and what amount you've been drinking. Medical supervision while detoxing is a wise move.

As to your friends telling you you're not an 'alcoholic'... what you call yourself doesn't really matter, it's what you do about it that counts. And it's YOUR self, YOUR life that's being decided here. The only person who can get you sober is YOU. You and your Higher Power, your doctor, AA, maybe even residential treatment or out patient treatment.

Tell all this to your counselor. They may be able to point you in the right directions. But do explore every avenue of help, and then stick to it, no matter what anyone says or thinks.

And keep coming back here for lots of experience and info. There is lots of info at the top of each forum, they're called 'stickies'. Read them for lots of good information.

All the best to you! You can do this!

:ghug3

Anna

Hi,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us.

Alcoholism is a horrible disease and it sets up a viscious cycle. You drink, feel absolutely miserable and then drink again to cover up the feelings. The disease messes with your mind. It was really hard for me to get out of the cycle because it meant having to really, really look honestly at who I was and what my life had become. It was very scary, but also very necessary in order to move on in recovery.

It sounds like alcohol is causing many problems in your life and you've come to the right place to find support and information.

wantstobehappy

I have thought about going to an AA meeting but then i chicken out. I'm so scared. What will people think of me? At my job, even my friends. It's just so huge to have to tell people "i have a problem" when I know that the judgment calls are firing away in their heads. I'm just really afraid. Fear is a crappy emotion.

flgirl

Welcome wantstobehappy,

You've come to the right place. Even if your friends think you are not an alcoholic, your actions suggest otherwise. Believe me, I know of what I speak. I came here a week ago Sunday because even though I could still function, hold down a good job, etc, I was at a place so dark, I never thought I'd see the sun again. I, too, have experienced many, many "this will be the last times" only to drink again. Please stick around. This is an amazing group of people that have helped me tremendously. I hope you will read, listen and learn, as I have been doing.

DSodaNow

It is very normal to have fear about this. But you know what... you don't have to tell anyone! This is about you. I have only shared this with a select few people in my life so far. I am sure I will tell others as I move forward, but not now. My friends and co-workers are not a part of sobriety. It is all about me.

As far as the meeting go.... everyone is there for the same reason. They don't think anything of you. They are just happy to see you and more than willing to offer you all the support they can. I was so surprised by how friendly they were and really wanting to be a part of it.

If you are afraid of seeing someone you know there.... maybe try one in another town just to check it out. I really had this fear and drove 45 minutes to my first meeting. (Silly me.. though... half way thru the meeting I realized I was minutes from my husbands office!)

I also noticed that you mentioned if you came out that you have a problem that your friends will have to admit that they have one too. That may very well be the case. But I think you should really try to focus only on yourself and what you need to be happy. They can worry about themselves for now.

I hope you are feeling a little better. Please keep in touch and thank you for sharing with me.

Anna

I didn't tell anybody when I finally decided to stop drinking. Actually, I had told my family several times before, and failed, so I just kept it to myself. It actually helped me, in the sense that I became more aware I was doing it for myself, and not for others.

You can get past the fear!

flgirl

Hi wantstobehappy,

I'm glad you're thinking of going to a meeting. It took me until this past Friday to work up the courage to go to one. I was so terrified that when I sat down and the woman next to me asked if I was new, all I could do was nod! I think she then realized how new I was and asked if this was my first meeting. I could barely get out "yes". They were incredibly kind and sensitive. They've all been where I am now. They KNOW what it's like. They have opened their arms, pulled me in and let me know that I am not alone in this. Because I had the support of the folks here, I was able to get to that meeting. If I had tried to do it on my own, I would have failed miserably. Believe me, I'd been trying for almost a month. Talk to your doctor, go to the aa website Alcoholics Anonymous and see what's available to you.

Please keep in touch.

wantstobehappy

I think some of the things you are writing came from my own brain! I do feel im in a darker place than ever before emotionally. Maybe the booze isn't to blame for EVERYTHING im going through right now but it's a big part of it. Im afraid of who I am under all the crap..does that make sense? For years it was ok for me to blame my shameful behavior on my "partying college days". Im 27 and those days should have been long gone.

DSodaNow

I really think that there is a reason that things are going so different for me as far as my attitude and not drinking.... I KNOW now that the booze is not to blame for ANYTHING. The alcohol is a symptom of a lot of other painful and scary things.

I am so afraid to be in my own skin. I didn't drink until college and as soon as I started drinking... I really drank. When I drink I don't feel anxiety about talking to people and I don't worry if I am saying stupid things. Those are just a couple of examples. The other thing I have discovered with the help of my therapist is that I carry a huge amount of shame around with me in a variety of ways. I used alcohol to cope with those things.

I am glad you are relating to some of this. I have only been on here a couple of days and all of a sudden I have become addicted to it. (Which is really odd because I have never been much of an internet poster/blogger or whatever this is called!)

But I have really found a lot of comfort here. I hope you do too!

LibertyorDeath

Welcome aboard. I wish you the best. I know what you are going through. It is so hard to say goodbye forever to something we have a love/hate affair with. Lord I LOVED the vodka but Lord, I hated it too.


I pray that your road is paved and the wind is at your back, Friend.

wantstobehappy

This is crazy. I was EXACTLY the same way...didn't drink until the night before I left for college and then it just snowballed from there. I smoked pot for about five years and finally got rid of that nasty habit but then the drinking increased. I also initially drank to ease my social anxiety which I got from being a product of an alcoholic family...WEIRD, right? My ex was the one who scoffed at my pot smoking and has admitted that I drink way too much, he kept me in line I think for the three years we were together...he likes "projects" ..guess i needed some fixing. But he thinks I'm crazy for even seeing a therapist and told me "you know I don't believe in that crap... if you want to stop drinking then stop drinking..its that easy." I have no willpower he says. Obviously it goes a little deeper than just being able to say no...don't you think?

wantstobehappy

sorry this is just alot to deal with.. i know im posting alot.

DSodaNow

You should post as much as you want.

I can see where your ex-boyfriend is coming from because that is exactly how I felt. I don't need therapy/AA or any of that. I can do it on my own!

Unfortunately, alcoholics can not do it on their own. This is something I have learned since I went to AA. Alcoholism is a disease and we do not have the will power to stop.

I am glad you are reaching out.

Anna

I'm glad you're posting a lot.

What I would say to you at this point, is don't pay attention to what you boyfriend or your friends are saying to you. You are here because you know you have a drinking problem and you're looking for solutions and support. That's all that matters. Focus on yourself and you'll be able to do this.

wantstobehappy

Thats hard to do...im always so concerned with everyone else that I am not always first...I think that im going to make people mad..I mean this is big..this is big..no more bar hopping with the girls, no more crazy Saturday night stories, no more instant relaxation when im nervous in a crowd...some of my friends wont even want to hang out with me now. Theres just more to this than not drinking anymore..its a little overwhelming.

flgirl

Sweetie,

You post to your heart's desire! If you take a look, I have posted almost 100 times in the past week, and everyone here has responded with support, wisdom and love. You are here because you need to be right now. I can completely identify with the "you can stop if you want to" line. My ex SO would say the same thing, because he doesn't understand what this disease is. And, as I am learning, it IS a disease.

:ghug3

DSodaNow

People pleasing is a very hard thing. I really feel for you with the need to do it. What I have found recently about myself is the following:

1. No matter how badly I want to affect/control the outcomes with the people in my life I cannot.
2. I was actually using my "people pleasing" in a very selfish way that I didn't even realize. It makes me happy when I make others happy. I am trying to learn how to make me happy without using others.

I have a lot of the fears you do about the "no mores". I didn't realize to what extent I used alcohol to control my uncomfortable feelings around people in social situations until this weekend. My husband and I went out to dinner with a couple of our friends on Friday. It was the first time I had been out in a social situation without a drink in I don't know how long. The dinner went really well and no one even asked why I had a diet coke instead. But afterwards.... I found myself asking my husband if when I said this it sounded stupid or what do you think they thought when I said this. I am still obsessing in my mind about this a little bit.

But the bottom line is.... In reality, I think these things are much more magnified in my mind than what reality is.

I think right now it is very important to take one day at a time... or even one hour at a time. Go to an AA meeting and don't think about what is going to happen. Worry about that after the meeting is over. My sponsor pointed out that most of the time what we think/worry will happen doesn't.

This is a huge step in my life and it has been very overwhelming at times. Today is a good day. Not all of them have been good. I am grateful for the people on here and for the people that have come into my life in the past 30 days.

CarolD

Welcome....
You are in danger from your drinking.
Blackouts are explained on #17 here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

An honest talk with a doctor is a wise move.
Be both safe and sober.