Clean and Lonely!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
Clean and Lonely!
I am having a hard time lately. I just can't take the lonliness. He has been clean and sober 7 months. I should happy?! Right? I work the steps, go to meetings, pray. The father of my kids is sleeping in our bed (it is 11:46pm) and is going to work tomorrow.,,, But work that is all we do. He works on miserable deer stands and I work on my house. we use to bar-q-que with friends, visit with people, just laugh with each other and with our kids. It just not there. This is a home without laughter. My 14 y.o. son said tonight he wished dad would drink a beer if that would get him back. How sad! All he knows is that he quit drinking. I wish the same thing some times. All he does is work. We stay isolated. I know old friends were drinking buddies, BUT there has to be a substitute. We should be able to enjoy life. He says he is getting better each day. I just keep waiting for the happiness. It is not there. I know I have changed through all of this, BUT he is so different. We have been married 17 years. IT was only the last 6 years that he started using. I know his happy side without drugs. Does it go away? Will he ever be his old self (prior to drug use) again? I am just so confused and want my old husband back. I want to laugh. I want my kids to love their father and have fun with him (and me). Is this it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I think many addicts (and loved ones of addicts) go through this. I'm experiencing something similar now, only I'm the one who seems without joy. My recovering addict husband has been clean a while now, and he seems his old self, but I'm not.
I still feel like I am healing. Maybe your husband is healing too? Maybe you are as well. It's a process. I can't say the answers are at the end of the rainbow for everyone, but I believe they are for me. Have faith. Find joy in yourself.
It takes time. We're both going to therapy (separately at this point,) because I need help getting myself back. I can't do it alone.
One thing my husband and I talked about was going to an amusement park together. We've never been as a couple and I love amusement parks. They make me hysterically happy. I laugh because I get on those rides and I can't help it. It just comes out of me.
Find a way to let the inner child out for some play! For the both of you.
I still feel like I am healing. Maybe your husband is healing too? Maybe you are as well. It's a process. I can't say the answers are at the end of the rainbow for everyone, but I believe they are for me. Have faith. Find joy in yourself.
It takes time. We're both going to therapy (separately at this point,) because I need help getting myself back. I can't do it alone.
One thing my husband and I talked about was going to an amusement park together. We've never been as a couple and I love amusement parks. They make me hysterically happy. I laugh because I get on those rides and I can't help it. It just comes out of me.
Find a way to let the inner child out for some play! For the both of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((11d)))
I'm so sorry. It sounds lonely and difficult right now. I hope that with time something new and fulfilling for you both will start to emerge!
Keep doing what you need to do for you and your children.
Hugs to you!
I'm so sorry. It sounds lonely and difficult right now. I hope that with time something new and fulfilling for you both will start to emerge!
Keep doing what you need to do for you and your children.
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Wollongong NSW
Posts: 25
maybe try going somewhere just you two that reminds you of when u were first together and in love... my hubby proposed to me at an amusement park which was also the place we were when i realised i liked him as more than a friend... whenever we go there it is nice, i can remember what it felt like when we were really carefree and in love without all this stress and worry... it cant hurt in any case and sometimes the small things make all the difference xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 48
Wow, I totally feel you on this one me and my wife just had this talk tonight...We used to always have fun hanging out at clubs, going to a bar to hear some music hanging out with friends at the house and it all.....Tonight well this weekend just got to both of us, we drove around with the kids just trying to find something to do we had a good day but by the end of it we where looking around walmart trying to find a game, just searching for something for us to connect with...something we can have fun with together....
She more so than me is getting that "itch" just wanting to go hang and have fun and while I can find a million things to do, she only seems fixated with going to listen to some music at a bar....which Im just not really ready for myself....
So its that searching, trying to find new ways to live....Her therapist made a good analogy in the fact that she lived this really hightened life of excitment, doing whatever and now its down towards what normalicy is and in general its just boring...
I asked her a question tonight that kind of sparked this convo, I said is there something the matter with us....cause I feel so isolated from the world right now....Her rebuttle was that because I was so antisocial 5 years ago early in our marriage it caused her to be, i laughed at that because im so far from antisocial now and the majority of my antisocial behavior comes from hiding the truth of her endless bouts of relapse ...irony i know..
She more so than me is getting that "itch" just wanting to go hang and have fun and while I can find a million things to do, she only seems fixated with going to listen to some music at a bar....which Im just not really ready for myself....
So its that searching, trying to find new ways to live....Her therapist made a good analogy in the fact that she lived this really hightened life of excitment, doing whatever and now its down towards what normalicy is and in general its just boring...
I asked her a question tonight that kind of sparked this convo, I said is there something the matter with us....cause I feel so isolated from the world right now....Her rebuttle was that because I was so antisocial 5 years ago early in our marriage it caused her to be, i laughed at that because im so far from antisocial now and the majority of my antisocial behavior comes from hiding the truth of her endless bouts of relapse ...irony i know..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi 11d,
Like with so many things, it will take time.
But marriage, even for those not dealing with addiction, takes work.
People I know with successful marriages make time for their marriage--they make time to spend time with each other, they have "date nights" so they can just get out and enjoy themselves, they do things to rediscover each other.
Maybe it will start with small stuff like going to a movie or going out to eat once a week. My cousin does this and she says when they do it, they leave the day-to-day stresses at home, and try to just focus on each other, the moment, and getting to know each other again. (They have 7 kids so they really need to do that
)
In your marriage, you have dealt with a lot. Both of you may feel the effects of the past for some time. So give it time, and in the mean time, take small steps towards getting your lives back.
((hugs))
Like with so many things, it will take time.
But marriage, even for those not dealing with addiction, takes work.
People I know with successful marriages make time for their marriage--they make time to spend time with each other, they have "date nights" so they can just get out and enjoy themselves, they do things to rediscover each other.
Maybe it will start with small stuff like going to a movie or going out to eat once a week. My cousin does this and she says when they do it, they leave the day-to-day stresses at home, and try to just focus on each other, the moment, and getting to know each other again. (They have 7 kids so they really need to do that
)In your marriage, you have dealt with a lot. Both of you may feel the effects of the past for some time. So give it time, and in the mean time, take small steps towards getting your lives back.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi 11D,
I am not married to my A (he's my 24 year old son) but I do see his isolation right now. It hasn't been that long since he's in a program but he has completely cut himself off from all friends. I know that most of his friends drink or do drugs, and that he and his counselor talked about changing your lifestyle so that you are not triggered, but I do fret about him spending so much time in my house-LOL! I agree that time is the answer, and I've also heard that it can take up to two years for an alcoholic/addict to really find the success of their program.
My son likes being alone. He enjoys family events very much and being around people who he believes love him and have his best interests at heart. Are there any couples in your lives whom your husband truly feels loved by, that don't party? Those are the people I would seek out right now for companionship. Is he working a program with Nar-anon? My older brother who has been sober for nearly 30 years told me once he went to AA for his program but to NA for a social life. At that time, he was in his twenties, but he met his wife there, they had all sorts of bowling/healthy and fun activities for young people.
Are you working a program? Have you met any people whom you can see having dinner with out on the town? Again, the old friend may be too much of a trigger for your husband, and a new man friend for him and a new woman friend for you might give you both a social contact that could, in turn, expand your social circle. Don't be afraid to jump and try hooking up with others in sobriety. They probably are looking too.
I also would try to find activities that you and your son can do alone, when your husband is in "hunting" mode. My ex-alcoholic husband sunk himself into hunting and man stuff when he found sobriety years ago, so I do remember the alone time. Your son and you have limited time before he starts pulling away as all teens do. Why don't you two find some fun things to do and let your husband work out his own sobriety as well. I do think that this whole experience changes the dynamics of the husband/father relationships, but this is a change that you can all adapt to. In time and with effort.
I am not married to my A (he's my 24 year old son) but I do see his isolation right now. It hasn't been that long since he's in a program but he has completely cut himself off from all friends. I know that most of his friends drink or do drugs, and that he and his counselor talked about changing your lifestyle so that you are not triggered, but I do fret about him spending so much time in my house-LOL! I agree that time is the answer, and I've also heard that it can take up to two years for an alcoholic/addict to really find the success of their program.
My son likes being alone. He enjoys family events very much and being around people who he believes love him and have his best interests at heart. Are there any couples in your lives whom your husband truly feels loved by, that don't party? Those are the people I would seek out right now for companionship. Is he working a program with Nar-anon? My older brother who has been sober for nearly 30 years told me once he went to AA for his program but to NA for a social life. At that time, he was in his twenties, but he met his wife there, they had all sorts of bowling/healthy and fun activities for young people.
Are you working a program? Have you met any people whom you can see having dinner with out on the town? Again, the old friend may be too much of a trigger for your husband, and a new man friend for him and a new woman friend for you might give you both a social contact that could, in turn, expand your social circle. Don't be afraid to jump and try hooking up with others in sobriety. They probably are looking too.
I also would try to find activities that you and your son can do alone, when your husband is in "hunting" mode. My ex-alcoholic husband sunk himself into hunting and man stuff when he found sobriety years ago, so I do remember the alone time. Your son and you have limited time before he starts pulling away as all teens do. Why don't you two find some fun things to do and let your husband work out his own sobriety as well. I do think that this whole experience changes the dynamics of the husband/father relationships, but this is a change that you can all adapt to. In time and with effort.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
When I first got clean, all I did was stop using. I still thought, in the back of my mind, that I could use "occasionally" in the future. All I did was work and sleep. I was angry that I couldn't use, stressed at all the consequences I was having to deal with, and generally NOT a happy person. I relapsed.
This time, I totally accepted that I can never use again, and it's okay. I'm still struggling with consequences, but am learning how to deal with them and stay clean.
I'm not saying he hasn't accepted that he can't use again, but it does take a while. Knowing you can't use in your head, and accepting it in your gut, takes a while. I literally had to force myself to do something fun, because I felt like I didn't deserve to have fun after all the hurt I had caused to other people.
This is just my experience, but it may be part of what he's going through. I'm sorry that he's isolating, and hope you and your son can find a way to have fun, despite what your hubby does.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
This time, I totally accepted that I can never use again, and it's okay. I'm still struggling with consequences, but am learning how to deal with them and stay clean.
I'm not saying he hasn't accepted that he can't use again, but it does take a while. Knowing you can't use in your head, and accepting it in your gut, takes a while. I literally had to force myself to do something fun, because I felt like I didn't deserve to have fun after all the hurt I had caused to other people.
This is just my experience, but it may be part of what he's going through. I'm sorry that he's isolating, and hope you and your son can find a way to have fun, despite what your hubby does.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
11D, I feel your pain. It's 10:50 AM on a Holiday, one of the rare days that me and AH have off together and what is he doing? He is sleeping. I nudged him about two hours ago and asked him what he would like to do today and he just grunted.
I was just thinking to myself before I read your post. God, I'm lonely and I'm frustrated. Lonely because I miss the man I married. Lonely because I know that the man I married is a blast to be around and he is caring and loving, but the disease of addiction has hiijacked his life and has isolated him from reality and from his friends and family.
This is his daily pattern. He sleeps till about one or two in the afternoon, he gets up drives 45 minutes to a job where he waits tables and he gets home about 1 am. Here lately he has only been bringing home $60-$80 a night, hardly enough to pay for the gas much less cover the bills. He comes home and turns on the sports games that he has DVRD and he watches these till about three or four in the morning. He is content with this job. He is content with a job that is getting him no where, is paying him nothing and allows him to sleep all day. All his co- workers are drinkers and druggies, not the kind of people he needs to be around while trying to get sober.
I used to worry about his sobriety, whether he was using or not, and I think he still is, but then I decided that all the worrying in the world will not change things so I have learned to let go. I guess I should be greatfull that he comes home at night and that he does attend meetings and he has a sponsor. Maybe between this three things something will click for him.
It doesn't take away my lonlieness though. At times I feel like I'm the only one in this marriage. At times I feel like I'm living with a teenager instead of a 33 year old man. I have all these hopes, dreams and goals for my/our futuire and when I try to discuss them with my AH, he blows me off and says the future is too far away to worry about it. I invite him to come work out with me at the gym and I get the excuse of how weak he still is from using drugs. I ask him to go for a walk with me and he claims that it's too hot or that his knees are hurting, The excuses go on and on, But when one of his work buddies call and ask for a ride to work he is quick to get over there so that they can grab a bite to eat before heading off to work. He seems in no hurry to get home to his wife after work, he goes God knows where afterwards spending what little bit of money he does make on ciggerettes and booze.
All of this is so frustrating but the only thing I can do is take care of me and be a better friend for myself. I know that in the beginning that I was a total B-I-T-C-H to him when I found out about his relaps. But in the last few months I have put so much effort into our marriage, I try to be a good supportive wife. I try not to be argumentive, controling or just plain irritable. After all of this he is still unavailable to me.
There is a post in the sticky's called What addicts do, When I first got on this board I read it but I told myself that this does not pertain to my addict. Of course he loves me, he is different. The more I read on this board, the more I crawled out of denial and the more I looked at my situation, I could see that the words of this addict were so very true. My AH can't love me and can't be emotionally available to me because he can be none of those things to himself.
Where does this leave me? Lonely and frustrated. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage just yet. I know that there will come a day when I just can't take it anymore. I long for a relationship with someone that I can share dreams and a future with. One where my partner and I enjoy each others company and go out and do fun things. It's no fun watching my husband sleep all day. Sometimes I'm tempted to just find someone else but then what does that solve. No one deserves to be cheated on, not even the drug addict. I would only be lowering myself to his standards and would be living a lie just like he is. So for now I just take things one day at a time. I'm giving him 45 more minutes then I'm getting in my car and heading for the beach. Life is to short to let it pass by.
Sorry this was so long, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just know your pain.
I was just thinking to myself before I read your post. God, I'm lonely and I'm frustrated. Lonely because I miss the man I married. Lonely because I know that the man I married is a blast to be around and he is caring and loving, but the disease of addiction has hiijacked his life and has isolated him from reality and from his friends and family.
This is his daily pattern. He sleeps till about one or two in the afternoon, he gets up drives 45 minutes to a job where he waits tables and he gets home about 1 am. Here lately he has only been bringing home $60-$80 a night, hardly enough to pay for the gas much less cover the bills. He comes home and turns on the sports games that he has DVRD and he watches these till about three or four in the morning. He is content with this job. He is content with a job that is getting him no where, is paying him nothing and allows him to sleep all day. All his co- workers are drinkers and druggies, not the kind of people he needs to be around while trying to get sober.
I used to worry about his sobriety, whether he was using or not, and I think he still is, but then I decided that all the worrying in the world will not change things so I have learned to let go. I guess I should be greatfull that he comes home at night and that he does attend meetings and he has a sponsor. Maybe between this three things something will click for him.
It doesn't take away my lonlieness though. At times I feel like I'm the only one in this marriage. At times I feel like I'm living with a teenager instead of a 33 year old man. I have all these hopes, dreams and goals for my/our futuire and when I try to discuss them with my AH, he blows me off and says the future is too far away to worry about it. I invite him to come work out with me at the gym and I get the excuse of how weak he still is from using drugs. I ask him to go for a walk with me and he claims that it's too hot or that his knees are hurting, The excuses go on and on, But when one of his work buddies call and ask for a ride to work he is quick to get over there so that they can grab a bite to eat before heading off to work. He seems in no hurry to get home to his wife after work, he goes God knows where afterwards spending what little bit of money he does make on ciggerettes and booze.
All of this is so frustrating but the only thing I can do is take care of me and be a better friend for myself. I know that in the beginning that I was a total B-I-T-C-H to him when I found out about his relaps. But in the last few months I have put so much effort into our marriage, I try to be a good supportive wife. I try not to be argumentive, controling or just plain irritable. After all of this he is still unavailable to me.
There is a post in the sticky's called What addicts do, When I first got on this board I read it but I told myself that this does not pertain to my addict. Of course he loves me, he is different. The more I read on this board, the more I crawled out of denial and the more I looked at my situation, I could see that the words of this addict were so very true. My AH can't love me and can't be emotionally available to me because he can be none of those things to himself.
Where does this leave me? Lonely and frustrated. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage just yet. I know that there will come a day when I just can't take it anymore. I long for a relationship with someone that I can share dreams and a future with. One where my partner and I enjoy each others company and go out and do fun things. It's no fun watching my husband sleep all day. Sometimes I'm tempted to just find someone else but then what does that solve. No one deserves to be cheated on, not even the drug addict. I would only be lowering myself to his standards and would be living a lie just like he is. So for now I just take things one day at a time. I'm giving him 45 more minutes then I'm getting in my car and heading for the beach. Life is to short to let it pass by.
Sorry this was so long, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I just know your pain.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
This is a bit diferent, b/c it's my 22 yr old RAD. In the last 12 months since she has gotten herself a home group & sponser, she has opened up a whole new life for herself. When you get involved NA groups can offer so much. They do a softball league in the summer, picnics & cookouts. Bonfires, boat rides, dances, bowling. Everyone works hard to have a llife that is "safe". To prove that there are so many things you can do that don't involve drinking & drugs. Kids are welcome at most of these things b/c they try to encourage family envolvment. I hope you guys can find a group that would offer new friendships & activities.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
I can totally relate. I know some couples get their happiness back, but I wouldn't have any idea how to get there.
Have you tried couples counseling? And I know there are retreat weekends for couples that have been through a major crisis and are trying to put things back together. That could help you regain some of your intimacy.
Have you tried couples counseling? And I know there are retreat weekends for couples that have been through a major crisis and are trying to put things back together. That could help you regain some of your intimacy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
11D~~~ We met a friend a few years ago that doesn't drink.....we just thought he never did. After becoming closer to him he told us he was an alcoholic and could never touch the stuff again. After my son got out of rehab I was worried about parties and him going out.......and asked our friend about this. He told us it'll take about a year for Chris to feel comfortable in his own skin. So~~hopefully thats what your dealing with now and you'll have some laugh coming your way soon.....Bonnie
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
11d,
It just feels so unfair after dealing with active addiction and then this....I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with. I don't have any great words of wisdom but I can share my experiences.
When I first got sober it was a huge change for me. My fun had consisted of parties, going to listen to live music at bars, meeting friends for drinks, etc. All of that had to stop for awhile. I knew that I couldn't do those things and stay sober. I have two years now and I can go and do those things if I feel like it. I just don't feel like doing them now - they aren't so much fun for me. They ended up leading me into a heap of trouble. I never felt the "pink cloud" that people talk about....I just really had a hard time adjusting to a life without drinking. Is your husband in recovery? I know a lot of people that are sober but aren't happy - generally, they aren't in recovery though. It's taken awhile but the joy has returned. There is a lot of good advice above - just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.
It just feels so unfair after dealing with active addiction and then this....I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with. I don't have any great words of wisdom but I can share my experiences.
When I first got sober it was a huge change for me. My fun had consisted of parties, going to listen to live music at bars, meeting friends for drinks, etc. All of that had to stop for awhile. I knew that I couldn't do those things and stay sober. I have two years now and I can go and do those things if I feel like it. I just don't feel like doing them now - they aren't so much fun for me. They ended up leading me into a heap of trouble. I never felt the "pink cloud" that people talk about....I just really had a hard time adjusting to a life without drinking. Is your husband in recovery? I know a lot of people that are sober but aren't happy - generally, they aren't in recovery though. It's taken awhile but the joy has returned. There is a lot of good advice above - just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
I have been tring to reply to your posts, but I am having problems posting. SORRY! It does help to hear from all of you . Knowing that others have gone through the same problems and how you handled those problems really help. It also is helpful to read from those of you who are fighting your own addictions. My RAH doesn't really talk about it and I don't ask. I guess because I am trying not to be codependent and It Hurts to damn much. I do ask when it involves me. I am really trying hard to find my happiness. We both work our programs, but there is such a huge wall there between us. We have tried dates, but we just sit in silence. I will give it a year, maybe more if I see something there. I owe that to my kids and to myself. He sees a urologist Friday for no libido and impotence. ANother thing that the drug use caused. That has also added to the wall between us. What a marriage... I just think how much we had...great marriage with laughter, healthy kids, great jobs, good education, lots of friends,.... we had it all. FOr drug use to start and lead us down this lonely road. WHY? I know about the disease, but WHY? It just eats at me. Maybe because I am a nurse and I have protected myself when something I knew could hurt me. I had too much to lose. He works with the stuff EVERYDAY and has known co-workers who have overdosed. WHY risk losing everything? after 12 years never thinking about it. I do get angry about that. I try to work those sayings, BUT sometimes when the lonliness is so strong, I can't help it. I have grown but not closer to him. I do love him. I just don't know if I can continue this sometimes. I am 41 years old. I want happiness. I deserve to be happy.
Last edited by 11d; 05-28-2008 at 08:26 PM.
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