LovesmyHubby

Hi all, i am new here. My name is brittany and i am 22 years old and live in colorado. My husband who i just got married to recently and have been with for about 16 months is a alcoholic. He is not the type that really has to drink everyday he is more of a binge drinker. When he drinks he knows no limits and not only that he treats me bad when he drinks. No hitting me but more of mental and verbal abuse. He got the problem from his mother who passed away 4 years ago, who was also a very heavy drinker and a very mean drunk. Me and geromy have split up once due to it, he then stayed sober for 8 weeks. but then slowly he started up again. he always tells me he promises he will stop drinking, hes done blah blah, but he never does. today he is telling me that he is not ready to stop. but at the same time beggin me not to go,. there are sometimes when he will just have a few beers because he know it will make me mad.... i threatened to leave him if he had one more drink and he said ok and was good for two weeks. went out yesterday and had a couple beers. like he doesnt even care if he looses me or not. i need advice, i dont think i am ready to leave him. he knows he has a problem and he doesnt want to be like that but he doesnt wanna quit?! please help me!!!!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

If your husband doesn't want to stop drinking, there is little you can do to change that.

If he is mistreating you verbally and emotionally, you need to decide if you want to continue to live with that. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse, if he doesn't stop drinking.

You need to take care of yourself. Have you considered AlAnon?

CarolD

I suggest you find a local Al anon meeting for yourself.
It's a free program for those who love drinkers.

Welcome to SR!

Chrysalis123

Hi Brittany, I am glad you found this wonderful site. There are lots of people on here that are or have been going through what you are now and they have lots of ESH (experience, strength, and hope). I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know how hard it can be. My AH (alcoholic husband) is a binge drinker too and I have heard the endless promises, outright lies, manipulations etc. You know what I learned here? I didn't cause his drinking, I can't cure it, and I certainly can't control it. I also learned I need to take care of me and think about what it is that I want. Alanon has helped me and has been my lifeline.

The friends and family section of this board has some really great info called stickies, at the top of the page. You might consider posting your question there too.

Keep posting and coming back. You are no longer alone.

LovesmyHubby

thank you everyone... i have all my bags packed because i almost left today. but he was crying and asking me not to go. so i didnt and now he is down stairs drinking i dont know what to do and i cant stop crying....

Hevyn

I know you're hurting and confused, but you're doing a very wise thing - seeking help & advice. Al-Anon is a great idea, wish I'd had the sense to go. Over 30 years ago, I was you. I never knew back then that it was a disease - I was the classic "enabler" - making excuses, covering up for him, begging & pleading. I loved him dearly, still do. (He is now dead.) There was no reason for what happened to that wonderful, intelligent man - he destroyed himself and nothing could stop him, not even his love for me and our young son. He never once admitted he was an alcoholic (had been drinking since he was 15) and we finally drifted apart after a 12-yr. marriage. The difference here is, your husband does admit to having a problem, so all is not lost. Please stay with us and keep us up to date on what's going on with you. We care. Love, Joanie

mle-sober

Hi Brittany,

I just want to add my voice to the chimes of support here for you. You are in a very miserable situation, it sounds like. I don't have any secret combination of things that will unlock and disperse that miserey. I wish I did.

I wish I could make your husband quit drinking and find real recovery. If he does it, the consensus seems to be that he has to do it for himself for it to last. If he does it for you, next time you argue, his sobriety is in jepordy. But nothing and noone is going to MAKE you husband quit drinking. And I'm sorry for that. Maybe, with prayer and some coaxing, he could go to an AA meeting and begin to find some motivation. I just don't know him at all and can't make even a haphazard guess.

I wish I could make him treat you like gold - eve when he's drunk. But that one, only you can have any affect on. If he's not treating you right and he's drunk, do you have somewhere you can go so that you don't have to accept his petty mean-ness? I know a little about this one. My husband was verbally and physcially aggressive with me when we wer both drinking - just a few times. But enough to scare me. He had me down on the floor and was trying to stranggle me. I'll never forget it. Ever.

Find a place to go where you can get away from him when he's being a mean drunk. Protect yourself. Please. Even mean words have a big affect.

And I think others are right that Al-Anon is a place you should at least go step foot in. Just to see.

I am praying for you. I don't know what I would do in your situation. Each situation is so unique. My husband and I are still together. We found our way back to each other. He doesn't drink around me and is not an alcoholic. I don't drink at all any more - but I'm the alcoholic in this family. So, it can work. If you were wondering. It can work. Both people just need to be completely dedicated.

I feel for you so much. I'm sorry I'm rambling.

- MLE

least

I also suggest AlAnon for support and understanding. And remember, you must take care of YOURSELF first. You can't make him stop drinking but you CAN take care of yourself. You may have to leave him for your own safety and peace of mind. Is there a women's shelter where you live? A hotline? If he's not physically abusive (at this point) but is verbally and emotionally abusive that's bad enough. Please find a support network where you live and use it. I will keep you in my prayers.

:praying:ghug3

RK2007

It might sound hard at the moment, but maybe if you do leave him he will see that there are consequences.

Just now by giving in to his pleas to stay, he probably feels as if there are no consequences. The next time you threaten to leave, he will cry again - that's how he got you to stay this time.

But the next time you should follow through - if he loves you over the drink, he will make a serious attempt to clean up his act and get you back.

If not then do you really want to be with somebody for the rest of your life who places drink before you?

It's time to show him you mean business. You're only 22. How long do you want to go on like this?

Daddio

Your hubby certainly has your number. He knows oh so well that if he cries you stay and he gets to continue drinking. That's the same crap he learned when his Moma was changing his diapers. And that scenario will continue with you until the day that you walk out that door - with his childish, selfish, drunk butt sitting on the other side of that door.

We know that you can't make someone stop drinking. And you are seeing that his little drama exercise is getting him what he wants. You walking out on him won't make him stop drinking either. But it will sure put a fire under his pants to let him know that you are serious. That button pushing works in both directions. It is time for you to get yourself stong so that you can deal with this for the long haul. And caving in to childish behavior isn't the answer. Take all that from and OLD drunk like myself.

Peace and may God bless you.

Honu

I was just getting ready to say what Daddio said. He is manipulating you!

I have been there, and I know exactly how you feel. "Please don't go!", he says. You stay, and he wins. And the merry-go-round continues.

Until you get off of the ride. You are much too young to be dealing with this. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and there are many other men out there who will treat you like a queen. I'm not telling you to leave him, what I'm saying is that you don't need to put up with it. But unless and until he starts putting some ACTION into his words, nothing will change for him. The longer it continues, the stronger the chains are. And, if you have children, it will get worse. Harder to put your foot down, and also, you'll be having a little one subject to his drunken behavior.

Abusive relationships, whether verbal or physical, are TOXIC. Which, is POISON.

Living in a world like that is not living. Trust me. I've been there, got the T-shirt.

Take care of yourself! Also, get on the Family and Friends section of this site. There are a lot of people out there just like you, who are still living it. I, for one, am SO thankful that I am free of it. Life is good now. I don't have to worry about what I am walking into every time I come home, or walk into a room. I don't have to worry about rage, or finding him dead.

Peace to you, my friend.

Prayers for you and your hubby.

Honu

Daddio

Hey LMH. Haven't heard from you lately. How are things going?

mikedshadow3

Being on the hubby side of the coin as a drunk myself, I'd say that you need to get his attention. Not by yelling and screaming (which drove me to drink and caused even more problems in the past) but by saying "we need to talk". Then sit and no excuses,, and no more drinks after the conversation that evening. And if a heart-to-heart doesn't change things then it is maybe time to move on.

The stright-up rational talk is what got me to think seriously about quitting.