alcoholic husband!!!!!!

Old 05-25-2008, 05:40 PM
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Unhappy alcoholic husband!!!!!!

Hi all, i am new here. My name is brittany and i am 22 years old and live in colorado. My husband who i just got married to recently and have been with for about 16 months is a alcoholic. He is not the type that really has to drink everyday he is more of a binge drinker. When he drinks he knows no limits and not only that he treats me bad when he drinks. No hitting me but more of mental and verbal abuse. He got the problem from his mother who passed away 4 years ago, who was also a very heavy drinker and a very mean drunk. Me and geromy have split up once due to it, he then stayed sober for 8 weeks. but then slowly he started up again. he always tells me he promises he will stop drinking, hes done blah blah, but he never does. today he is telling me that he is not ready to stop. but at the same time beggin me not to go,. there are sometimes when he will just have a few beers because he know it will make me mad.... i threatened to leave him if he had one more drink and he said ok and was good for two weeks. went out yesterday and had a couple beers. like he doesnt even care if he looses me or not. i need advice, i dont think i am ready to leave him. he knows he has a problem and he doesnt want to be like that but he doesnt wanna quit?! please help me!!!!
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Old 05-25-2008, 06:27 PM
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When I was deciding whether to stay or leave my alcoholic boyfriend, the best move I made was to attend Alanon regularly and participate in SR daily. They helped me to see what I would be up against if I stayed and what actions on my part it would take to whether the storm.

Ultimately, I decided to end my relationship. It was unhealthy from the start and quickly went from bad to worse. It was the best decision I ever made. But each of us has to decide what's right for ourselves.

You've taken an important step by joining this forum. I can't imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't found my way here. Welcome. I'm glad you're here.
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Old 05-25-2008, 06:45 PM
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Glad you joined us!

Dear LMH, most of our AH's are not abusive. I used that as a form of denial for years, "well, he isn't THAT bad!" Sounds like you have come out of your denial earlier than most of us! That is a WONDERFUL thing. Please get educated about alcoholism. It is a progressive disease and usually gets worse if not treated. My AH was like yours, for years he was a binge drinker. Then one day, many years later, he started drinking morning, noon and night. And he nearly died three different times, once in a car wreck, two times due to his heart stopping from too much alcohol. He was in stage 4 alcoholism at the age of 44. This is a kind, funny, articulate, smart man, not a stereotypical bumb on the street (although he did eventually become almost that). After 6-7 rehabs and eventually jail, he finally got involved in AA. The best thing I did during his illness, and it took me many years to accept the fact that MY life had become unmanageable, I finally had to kick him out of the house. We had two young children, but it had to be done. He got much worse after this, like I said almost dying two more times, and eventually ended up in jail. This was the beginning of his recovery. But, I had to step out of the picture totally. Some people don't have to go to that extreme, but I did. I could no longer live with the disease. He is now close to 3 years sober! He is helping other addicts now. I truly believe it is a miracle as my AH was very near death.
Please educate yourself about this disease. I am so GLAD you are here, seeking help. The Booze Battle by Ruth Maxwell is a great book to start with and CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie is also good.

Take care of YOURSELF! You can't take care of an addict, no matter how hard you try, you will fail. This is why it is so difficult for us, we want so desparately to help them, but it is out of our control. So, we fail, then we feel guilty for failing, so we try harder to help them, eventually we alienate all of our other relationships, it is HORRIBLE. I AM SOOOOO GLAD YOU are addressing this now instead of 5, 10, 15, 20 years into your marriage.

Take care, and keep coming back!
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Old 05-25-2008, 07:44 PM
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Welcome! I hope you keep reading and posting in here. You can find a great deal of information and support as you try to figure out what you want to do for yourself going forward.
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Old 05-25-2008, 08:25 PM
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LMH,

You and I pretty much have the same story. I have been married for 10 months, together for 4 years. My H can go for months w/o drinking, and then go on a 7 day binge. The most recent binge, which was just a couple weeks ago was enough for me. I was at my wits end. I went to Al-Anon and it was so scary, but the best thing that I could do. I am not ready to leave my H either, and I had to do what is best for me. I have only been to 3 meetings, but have learned so much!
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Old 05-25-2008, 08:52 PM
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It is so so difficult isn't it?? However as others have said we are glad you have found SR. You will learn alot. It has been my saving grace.......

I am still learning but things are definately on the up. The more information you have about this dreadful disease the better. Once you are ready you can set your own boundaries.....this really works for me too and we are still very much together. I love my husband very very much - we have 3 small ones to consider and by setting my boundaries and stepping away from the chaos we are managing. He is still active in his addiction but togther we have made rules and boundaries and its definately helping :0)

Keep reading, keep posting and I wish you well. The support here from people who really really do understand is wonderful and to everyone here I am very very grateful. Their wisdom and advice is priceless - take what you need and leave the rest.

Wishing you well....all the best Phiz :0)
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Old 05-25-2008, 08:59 PM
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thanks guys you have made me feel like im not alone anymore. which is what i have been feeling. alone. i was so bad to help him but a year later i am finally coming to terms with the fact that he has to want to help him self. i love him very much and i dont want to end it but i will if things dont get better. he has ulcers that have made him colapse and be rused tp the er but thats not enough to scare him straight tonight i told him i was leaving tomorrow. he cried and said he would try and get help. but i dont know how much more i can take, its not even just about us now its about me watching him slowly kill him self, which i cant do
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Old 05-25-2008, 09:15 PM
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You are definately not alone here........

When we start working on ourselves and our behaviours it is amazing how much more settled life can be....read read read and you will find lots of great help here on sr.

Make a decision tonight to step away from the chaos...... set some boudaries of what is and isn't acceptable (My husband has set a boundary for himself that he won't drink untill our little ones are in bed.....and that really really helps all of us!) These things take time to implement but keep trying and you will get there....baby steps eh?!

I still have a long way to go on myself but I am getting better and better all the time. I no longer react the way I used to, I no longer let his drinking be my focus of the day!, and I try really really hard not to react to his drinking atall!.....don't always manage it because I am human but I do keep trying and I react less and less and sometimes not atall.

All the best once again Phiz
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Old 05-25-2008, 09:34 PM
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LMH,

There is a lot of information on this website that can help you to understand the dynamics of alcoholism and how it affects BOTH of you. Keep reading, and look at the "stickies" at the top of this forum also. There's this thing called "the dance" which sounds like what you are doing. You tell him you're leaving, he cries and says he'll stop, you don't leave, he drinks again, you tell him you're leaving, he cries ....... get it?

Everyone here has been where you are and danced THAT dance. So don't feel alone, but do educate yourself on how this all is taking a great toll on YOU. When we first start searching for answers, it seems like we are looking for that magic answer of "how can I get him sober?" There is no magic answer. He has to want it very badly for himself because his life has become so unmanageable that he recognizes it is the booze. This sometimes takes years for an alcoholic to admit, and some never do.

It is a steadily progressive disease and he will get worse and worse---WAY worse, and I'm not kidding one bit. Again, read up on it until you realize that nothing YOU do or say will have any effect on his behavior. He has to really want it for himself, not because you leave him or stay or whatever.

But way more importantly, read about how YOU get dragged into the condition called codependency. That is really eye-opening and helps you to get your focus where it truly does make a difference, on you. This is hard to imagine doing at the beginning, and it doesn't even sound rational at first! Not focusing on him? But it really is the right path to take, for both of you.

I'm so glad you found your way here, and I hope you continue to educate yourself about the lifelong problems of being married to an alcoholic, should you decide to stay in your marriage. Hugs and good thoughts to you, sweetie
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:55 AM
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In my case, I really was watching my alcoholic boyfriend slowly kill himself. It was more than I could bear. More importantly, I didn't want my daughter to come home from school and find him dead. So, I ended the relationship several years ago, but we remained friends. He moved into a small apartment where he could use public transportation to get to his appointments at the VA hospital.

His health was failing rapidly. The first signs of trouble were repeated trips to the ER. At first, it was once or twice a year. Then it was every few months. Then it was monthly it seemed.

I invited him over occassionally on weekends when he was sober. And occassionally we talked on the phone. Even that was painful, as it was obvious his health was deteriorating rapidly.

In the end, I decided that no contact was the best thing for me. I couldn't stop him from drinking no matter how hard I tried. He had become an empty shell of a man and he was rarely coherent.

He was found dead in his apartment nearly a year ago. If I could save anyone else the pain I suffered I would. So towards this end I would recommend that it may be enlightening to search the internet on the phrases "end-stage alcoholism" and "late-stage alcoholism" and do some research for yourself to get a better idea of what stage of alcoholism your partner may be in. I may not be a doctor or an expert in the field of alcoholism, but my research led me to realize that my boyfriend was in deep trouble and helped me decide that it was unhealthy to try to continue to pursue a relationship with him.

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard.
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Old 05-26-2008, 08:52 PM
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Hiya LovesmyHubby-
welcome to SR!
you said in your post:
"like he doesnt even care if he looses me or not."
please don't go down the road of taking his drinking personally. An alcoholic will always choose booze over EVERYTHING! Believe it. They are addicted. That's the nature of addiction. You have a clean sane brain and so you cannot ever imagine choosing alcohol over a person. But they are addicited and the compulsion to drink is so overwhelming that NOTHING gets in the way of their drinking.

So he may play games with amounts at different times if it buys him a little time in your eyes - but pay attention to his behavior over the long haul: he is still drinking. Don't listen to his words, believe only his actions, that way you stay firmly in REALITY and can avoid being manipulated.

In REALITY you can make decisions that best suit you and your children. Stck around! Keep reading and posting - you've found a great place to start helping YOU and YOU are the only person you can save in this situation!
Peace,
B.
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