Going through the motions of Step One
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 39
Going through the motions of Step One
So the only requirement for membership is "a desire to stop drinking." But what about those who have such a desire, yet do not feel that they are "powerless over alcohol?" Have any of you tried to go through the motions of Step One, even though you did not believe it to be true, in order to work through the other steps because you wanted to stop hurting/feeling miserable (or for whatever reasons)? If this is the approach you took, have you been able to stay sober? Basically, I have a desire for emotional sobriety and feel that working through the steps would help with that, but sometimes that feel like I'm lying when I try to do Step One...I hate feeling this way, but I can't help it.
How do you move beyond denial?
Or perhaps on some level I have already admitted it; I just have a problem with the semantics. I think the reason why my life became unmanageable (which started before the drinking) was because I was unwilling to help myself for a long time. Basically, it was self-pity/psychological self-victimization/learned helplessness to the extreme...When I became conscious of this behavior, I think that I did not want to admit I was "powerless" over anything else because the things that I was already seemingly "powerless" over were piled high...my problem was understanding that I DID have agency/choices over many things in my life...so I wanted to learn how to be "powerful."
I was wondering, do women in particular have a hard time dealing with the concept of powerlessness in the 12 steps, and how did you come to terms with it? I feel like a lot of self-help books out there advocate the whole self-empowerment approach, and I see that the ultimate goal of working through the 12 steps IS self-empowerment (over one's life!), but how can one go about setting aside one's pride/ego to get through Step One? Easier said than done...And I don't want to keep drinking some more just so I can admit that I'm powerless over alcohol.
A separate issue is that I am a compulsive overeater, so whereas I've abstained from alcohol I'm still bingeing on food (perhaps maybe even more), and so I kind of feel like I'm cheating on my sobriety...it's like not drinking, but smoking weed. Food is a huge obsession/distraction for me, and actually the problem has been around longer for me than the alcohol (I used food to cope for a long time, without realizing it). The fact that I want emotional sobriety so badly but am still binge-eating seems to suggest that alcohol was the easier addiction to give up.
How do you move beyond denial?
Or perhaps on some level I have already admitted it; I just have a problem with the semantics. I think the reason why my life became unmanageable (which started before the drinking) was because I was unwilling to help myself for a long time. Basically, it was self-pity/psychological self-victimization/learned helplessness to the extreme...When I became conscious of this behavior, I think that I did not want to admit I was "powerless" over anything else because the things that I was already seemingly "powerless" over were piled high...my problem was understanding that I DID have agency/choices over many things in my life...so I wanted to learn how to be "powerful."
I was wondering, do women in particular have a hard time dealing with the concept of powerlessness in the 12 steps, and how did you come to terms with it? I feel like a lot of self-help books out there advocate the whole self-empowerment approach, and I see that the ultimate goal of working through the 12 steps IS self-empowerment (over one's life!), but how can one go about setting aside one's pride/ego to get through Step One? Easier said than done...And I don't want to keep drinking some more just so I can admit that I'm powerless over alcohol.
A separate issue is that I am a compulsive overeater, so whereas I've abstained from alcohol I'm still bingeing on food (perhaps maybe even more), and so I kind of feel like I'm cheating on my sobriety...it's like not drinking, but smoking weed. Food is a huge obsession/distraction for me, and actually the problem has been around longer for me than the alcohol (I used food to cope for a long time, without realizing it). The fact that I want emotional sobriety so badly but am still binge-eating seems to suggest that alcohol was the easier addiction to give up.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I can only share my experience with you.
Step 1
I separated this step into two because many people confuse this step to mean that alcohol is what made our lives unmanagable and we are powerless over everything. IMHO that is now what it says
Here is the way I see it.
This is pretty cut and dried for me. All I have to do is look at the mutltiple times I would wake up hung over, wondering why I made a fool of myself, or wondering what I did the night before, and swearing to myself that I next time I would not drink so much. But even if I was able to not drink as much the next time it would not be long before once again I would wake up feeling like sh*t.
Then there were those times when I would swear to myself that I would quit drinking. The insanity that was present during those times was miserable. I spent a year not drinking (on my own to prove a point to my then current husband). I never stopped thinking about drinking. It was so easy to pick up drinking again after that year and what I found was in no time at all I was drinking more than ever.
That is powerlessness. The power that alcohol has over my mind, body, and spirit. I needed help to stop drinking and not feel miserable and insane.
Again pretty cut and dry for me. I think of it this way. If my life was going so well with me drinking then why would I have any desire to quit. I was one of those people that still had the house, the car, the clothes, the job, the "friends", etc.... I did not wind up in jail. But inside I was miserable, I felt like no one really knew me and if they did they would not like me. I lived with anxiety, anger, and fear. I had no idea who I really was. I had spent so many years being what I thought others thought I was that I had lost who I am long ago. So for me, yes, my life was unmanagable. Was it from the alcohol or from the disease of alcoholism? Personally, I think a little of both. I was no longer in a position of being able to manage my life and be happy and content.
That is my experience with step one. I hope you find something useful in that.
Step 1
Admitted we are powerless over alcohol.....
....and that our lives have become unmanagable.
Here is the way I see it.
Admitted we are powerless over alcohol
Then there were those times when I would swear to myself that I would quit drinking. The insanity that was present during those times was miserable. I spent a year not drinking (on my own to prove a point to my then current husband). I never stopped thinking about drinking. It was so easy to pick up drinking again after that year and what I found was in no time at all I was drinking more than ever.
That is powerlessness. The power that alcohol has over my mind, body, and spirit. I needed help to stop drinking and not feel miserable and insane.
....and that our lives had become unmanagable
That is my experience with step one. I hope you find something useful in that.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Dear Muse,
Here is my take on it. AA says the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Period. The Steps are "suggested" as a program of recovery. The membership requirement is stated, the Steps are suggested. So if I were in your socks, I'd continue going to meetings cause you have the desire to stop drinking. And I wouldn't overanalyze my reasons for going, I'd just go and listen and speak up if I felt the need to speak.
One of my worst problems is always analyzing everything. I "think" everything to death, as if logic and reasoning could solve problems of the heart. But only the heart can solve problems of the heart. I read somewhere once that "the heart has reasons that reason knows not" or words to that effect.
So go to the meetings if your heart tells you to go and don't let your logic get in the way.
Just my opinion...
:ghug3
For me doing Step One was a piece of cake when I let go of my logical self and listened to my heart. I am a 56 yr old female with a perpetual war going on between the intellect and the heart/soul. Stopping drinking didn't end the war, just made it easier to see which side was which.
Here is my take on it. AA says the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Period. The Steps are "suggested" as a program of recovery. The membership requirement is stated, the Steps are suggested. So if I were in your socks, I'd continue going to meetings cause you have the desire to stop drinking. And I wouldn't overanalyze my reasons for going, I'd just go and listen and speak up if I felt the need to speak.
One of my worst problems is always analyzing everything. I "think" everything to death, as if logic and reasoning could solve problems of the heart. But only the heart can solve problems of the heart. I read somewhere once that "the heart has reasons that reason knows not" or words to that effect.
So go to the meetings if your heart tells you to go and don't let your logic get in the way.
Just my opinion...
:ghug3
For me doing Step One was a piece of cake when I let go of my logical self and listened to my heart. I am a 56 yr old female with a perpetual war going on between the intellect and the heart/soul. Stopping drinking didn't end the war, just made it easier to see which side was which.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Have any of you tried to go through the motions of Step One, even though you did not believe it to be true, in order to work through the other steps because you wanted to stop hurting/feeling miserable
Because I was brought up to believe that my will and actions defined my masculinity, that only weakness separated me from achieving anything, I found it nigh impossible to accept powerlessness over anything.
I knew that my life was unmanageable. While "high functioning," I lacked the control to be all things to all people, including myself. I felt overwhelmed by myriad responsibilities. At first I thought that evenings and weekends were the beer time I deserved.
I began to drink more beer, but still only during the evening and weekends. Although I worked 70 hour weeks, I found it hard to focus, to do more that simply put in the hours. When I realized that I was drinking too much and lacked the ability to control it, I entered inpatient treatment. It was AA based.
It worked. For a while. But, I never really accepted that I was powerless. I thought I was habituated and weak. That caused a great deal of shame and guilt. It was emasculating.
After a couple years of abstinence, I entered a new romantic relationship. Young love in my 50's. I wanted it all, including those joyous days of wine and roses. I controlled it. For a while. Within a couple of years, however, I was "back in the saddle."
Unfortunately, it took a DUI to convince me that I was indeed powerless. I was not powerless to drink, I was powerless when I drank. How else to explain doing something that violated my core principals? I looked back. I realized that I never had but one beer. One meant 3,4,6. More on weekends. Drinking by myself because of my shame. Isolating myself from my friends and now grown children. Duh? What part of powerful and control is that?
I believe that an incomplete first step is the downfall of most who relapse. I don't care what approach to recovery one takes, whether AA or not, I believe that true alcoholics will never recover until we can dispense with our ego and illusions of control.
I live where the milky way lights the sky like Times Square. Countless stars on every clear night. I gaze at them. When I do, I grasp just how powerless I am. It is clear to me. When I am in a city, I instinctively look for the milky way. The city lights make it impossible. They are like alcohol. They obfuscate reality. The stars are there, I just cannot see them. Alcohol prevents me from grasping the reality of life. It makes me powerless to see it. The city is seductive, but my home is where the stars shine. I hope it always will be.
warren
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I'm not sure my experience is related enough to help, but I did come from a background of abuse and had alot of the problems that you talk about and it did require that I become "empowered".
What happened for me was that I came to AA worked the steps, did the deal. As I did that I started having to deal with those "other issues". I began to struggle with staying sober for a number of years. When I had gotten to a certain place in working on these other issues I got sober for about 7 years, and the last 5 i think, i didn't go to AA. Then one day I thought that since I had worked through so many issues maybe i could drink. I did, I couldn't, and was miserably stuck in the bottle for about 8 years. By the time I got sober last July I had a better understanding of step 1. My body chemistry is different than non-alchoholics. No matter how "well" i get I will always be powerless over the cravings for alchohol.
My life became unmanageable during that 8 years of drinking. I am slowly putting my life back in order and am finding ways to have more choices in my life.
The steps are something that we grow to understand differently and more as we stick around the program.
2 suggestions - read the dr.s opinion in the BB and maybe look for an OA meeting in addition to AA.
I attend a womans coffee group where we listen to BB tape, and then also read from a variety of 12 step books. We have been reading from a 12 steps for women book the last few weeks. I recomend it. If I can, I'll get the name and author and send it to you.
What happened for me was that I came to AA worked the steps, did the deal. As I did that I started having to deal with those "other issues". I began to struggle with staying sober for a number of years. When I had gotten to a certain place in working on these other issues I got sober for about 7 years, and the last 5 i think, i didn't go to AA. Then one day I thought that since I had worked through so many issues maybe i could drink. I did, I couldn't, and was miserably stuck in the bottle for about 8 years. By the time I got sober last July I had a better understanding of step 1. My body chemistry is different than non-alchoholics. No matter how "well" i get I will always be powerless over the cravings for alchohol.
My life became unmanageable during that 8 years of drinking. I am slowly putting my life back in order and am finding ways to have more choices in my life.
The steps are something that we grow to understand differently and more as we stick around the program.
2 suggestions - read the dr.s opinion in the BB and maybe look for an OA meeting in addition to AA.
I attend a womans coffee group where we listen to BB tape, and then also read from a variety of 12 step books. We have been reading from a 12 steps for women book the last few weeks. I recomend it. If I can, I'll get the name and author and send it to you.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
I am by no means an expert, but, it sounds to me, from your post, that you either eat or drink your emotions. You labeled yourself a "compulsive overeater", so does that make you an addict? A compulsive drinker...does that make you an alcoholic? Only you can answer those questions. Maybe, your issues are emotions, and some sort of inability to deal with them without a "fix".
The semantics of terminology gets us all. Have you tried quitting to see what happens? Do you obsess about drinking when you aren't? Or about food when you are trying to be "good"?
Maybe it's not so much denial, but a lack of understanding about what is going on here?
You just have to keep searching, here, in your meetings, in your heart for your answers.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears. When you are ready, you will have your answers.
Honu
The semantics of terminology gets us all. Have you tried quitting to see what happens? Do you obsess about drinking when you aren't? Or about food when you are trying to be "good"?
Maybe it's not so much denial, but a lack of understanding about what is going on here?
You just have to keep searching, here, in your meetings, in your heart for your answers.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears. When you are ready, you will have your answers.
Honu
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Bottom line - the easiest way to prove you're not powerless is to stop drinking.
altogether.
permanently.
powerless = indifference in the way *I* read it.
you're not INDIFFERENT to alcohol.
you wouldn't be posting here if you were.
none of us would.
pretty simple really.
altogether.
permanently.
powerless = indifference in the way *I* read it.
you're not INDIFFERENT to alcohol.
you wouldn't be posting here if you were.
none of us would.
pretty simple really.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi,
I'm not an AA person, but I have found that honesty is the basis of my recovery - honesty with myself and with others. So, going through the motions doesn't sound like the way to go, in my opinion.
I think, when you honestly look at yourself and your life and begin to accept yourself as a good person, you will no longer move from one addiction to another. You will begin to heal.
I'm not an AA person, but I have found that honesty is the basis of my recovery - honesty with myself and with others. So, going through the motions doesn't sound like the way to go, in my opinion.
I think, when you honestly look at yourself and your life and begin to accept yourself as a good person, you will no longer move from one addiction to another. You will begin to heal.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanagable.
1) I have absolutely no ability whatsoever to control the effect that alcohol and alcohol use has on me... There is nothing I can do, say, think, learn, or get which will change what alcohol does when its in my system... Its a chemical. Its going to react according to its nature. It will "do its thing" regardless of what I do... There is nothing I can do to change that. There is nothing I can do to control that.
2) For me, the effects of alcohol are always bad... Always... It may not have been that way my whole life, but it is certainly and definitely that way now... How I got to this point is practically meaningless compared to what I will do now that I AM at this point... Alcohol use always results in something bad for me, whether it happens immediately or as a net cumulative effect over time. It doesn't matter. For me, alcohol use always results in something bad.
3) The more I try to deny it, the worse it becomes... I have decades of personal "experimental proof" to draw on. It is what it is, and no amount of "wishful thinking" on my part will change that... The only beneficial way I can exercise my "right to drink" is by exercising my right NOT to drink... I accept this.
I am powerless over alcohol and I am powerless over the effect it has on me and my life. If I use again, it will make my life unmanageable, engulfing me until my only concern is having another drink... Its done it before, it'll do it again... The last time I knew I had a serious problem, but by then I was so firmly ensnared that didn't even care anymore. I forgot who I was. I forgot why I'm here... Its waiting for another chance to do it again, and all it will take is one beer.
There's nothing I can do about this situation... But what I can do with this situation is deny alcohol the opportunity to ever try again... I do so by not allowing it an opportunity TODAY... I will not allow it an opportunity today.
That's something I can do.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 428
I can really relate to how you are feeling. I just finished step one and really struggled with it. I was so frustrated because in most of my meetings I felt like everyone around me was saying how easy step one was for them. And here I was, totally stumped and frustrated because I really want to do this program honest and be honest with myself.
For me it wasn't the powerless part that I was having a hard time with. It was the unmanageability part. As far as the powerless part... I felt like I would not have had the courage to take myself into AA unless I was truly powerless over it. I couldn't make past a store without stopping to buy alcohol on auto pilot. Even if I had told myself less the 30 seconds ago I wasn't!!!
What was hard for me was the unmanagability part. I sat and listened to so many people's stories about what brought them to AA and none of that related to me. Then I would find myself rationalizing whether or not I really was an alcoholic. My life wasn't unmanageable!!! I have a job, cars, no DUIs, no arrests, fairly functional relationships and even no one thought that I was an alcoholic!
What finally got thru step one was starting to address the issues that brought me to alcohol. Alcohol was just my symptom of much larger and painful underlying issues that I didn't want to or honestly didn't know how to deal with it.
I am feeling better now and going to start working on step two. This is scary to me too! I have issues with the whole higher power thing! I will let you know how it turns out.
I hope my share has helped you some. Hang in there! Talking about the fact that you are struggling with this step is the first step to being honest with yourself!
For me it wasn't the powerless part that I was having a hard time with. It was the unmanageability part. As far as the powerless part... I felt like I would not have had the courage to take myself into AA unless I was truly powerless over it. I couldn't make past a store without stopping to buy alcohol on auto pilot. Even if I had told myself less the 30 seconds ago I wasn't!!!
What was hard for me was the unmanagability part. I sat and listened to so many people's stories about what brought them to AA and none of that related to me. Then I would find myself rationalizing whether or not I really was an alcoholic. My life wasn't unmanageable!!! I have a job, cars, no DUIs, no arrests, fairly functional relationships and even no one thought that I was an alcoholic!
What finally got thru step one was starting to address the issues that brought me to alcohol. Alcohol was just my symptom of much larger and painful underlying issues that I didn't want to or honestly didn't know how to deal with it.
I am feeling better now and going to start working on step two. This is scary to me too! I have issues with the whole higher power thing! I will let you know how it turns out.
I hope my share has helped you some. Hang in there! Talking about the fact that you are struggling with this step is the first step to being honest with yourself!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
For me, I could not work the other steps until I accepted that I was powerless over alcohol. What I see in your post reflects the way I used to feel so I appreciate where you are coming from.
I was willing to analyze everything but myself; I picked apart the 12 step program and made excuses as to why it would not work for me - I was of course, special; I drew my own conclusions and sought counseling just to affirm my conclusion. All of this involved my ego and self and inevitably set me up to fail.
Once I accepted that I was powerless over alcohol I was able to go in with an open mind. I stopped analyzing everything about the program, opened my ears and listened.
A 12 step program such as AA has a very clear beginning, Step 1. If you are ready to start working the steps, then you should be able to do Step 1 as the rest of the steps help relieve the problem you are accepting in step 1. I encourage you to get a sponsor as from your original post it does not sound like you have one. You should be working with someone who has completed the steps so they can provide guidance and insight on how they did it, and how their sponsor before them did it and so on. A sponsor should sit down with you and work step 1 with you.
This is of course all based on the assumption that your life is in fact unmanageable and alcohol is the culprit; if not then I don't have any helpful information. Thanks for posting, take what you want from my response and feel free to discard the rest
I was willing to analyze everything but myself; I picked apart the 12 step program and made excuses as to why it would not work for me - I was of course, special; I drew my own conclusions and sought counseling just to affirm my conclusion. All of this involved my ego and self and inevitably set me up to fail.
Once I accepted that I was powerless over alcohol I was able to go in with an open mind. I stopped analyzing everything about the program, opened my ears and listened.
A 12 step program such as AA has a very clear beginning, Step 1. If you are ready to start working the steps, then you should be able to do Step 1 as the rest of the steps help relieve the problem you are accepting in step 1. I encourage you to get a sponsor as from your original post it does not sound like you have one. You should be working with someone who has completed the steps so they can provide guidance and insight on how they did it, and how their sponsor before them did it and so on. A sponsor should sit down with you and work step 1 with you.
This is of course all based on the assumption that your life is in fact unmanageable and alcohol is the culprit; if not then I don't have any helpful information. Thanks for posting, take what you want from my response and feel free to discard the rest
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by least 
One of my worst problems is always analyzing everything. I "think" everything to death, as if logic and reasoning could solve problems of the heart. But only the heart can solve problems of the heart. I read somewhere once that "the heart has reasons that reason knows not" or words to that effect.
So go to the meetings if your heart tells you to go and don't let your logic get in the way.
Just my opinion...
:ghug3
For me doing Step One was a piece of cake when I let go of my logical self and listened to my heart. I am a 56 yr old female with a perpetual war going on between the intellect and the heart/soul. Stopping drinking didn't end the war, just made it easier to see which side was which.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by tennis71
This is of course all based on the assumption that your life is in fact unmanageable and alcohol is the culprit; if not then I don't have any helpful information. Thanks for posting, take what you want from my response and feel free to discard the rest
I have not had a difficult life, but there are two things that I speculate has led to all of this:
1) Though I was never officially diagnosed with it, I truly believe that I had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder as a child. I felt that I was powerless over my obsessions and compulsions at times...of course, as a child I did not necessarily have this sort of insight (it was only upon retrospection that I realized what was going on) - it was just a very, very stressful way to live and I often felt consumed by guilt and a sense of unease. I think I eventually outgrew my symptoms, but a lot of my perfectionistic thinking remained and I would overanalyze everything. This made it very challenging to deal with the pressures of school, yet I had a hard time getting the help I needed because I think I came across as intelligent/creative, and people could not see beyond that to my inner turmoil. Since I couldn't deal with the perfectionism, I basically stopped doing my work and got lost in my fantasies/daydreams...Occasionally of course I do have to meet deadlines, but over time I have been able to cope less and less. It doesn't make any sense because I have been a student for so long and should be used to writing papers by now, but I am currently in my fourth year of college and basically failing most of my classes. Alcohol only entered the picture in this past year.
2) I lost my dad when I was 10. He passed away from leukemia, which progressed pretty quickly...I think the whole thing lasted only about six months, and he had to go out of state to get treatment. His death was a shock to me - nobody had warned me that he might die, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye...I thought he was going to get better actually; he had a bone marrow transplant which didn't work out so he was about to get a second...but he didn't make it to the second. Basically I numbed out...and it wasn't even by choice; I think my subconscious mind just automatically did it, as a protective device...but I was never able to grieve properly. I am almost 22 now, and still haven't "grieved properly" I don't think. My emotional blockage has come out in all sorts of weird ways, and I think this why I drink. Because I was not able to grieve, I would wonder if I ever actually loved my dad, and I think I would feel guilty for not being to answer that clearly, due to the confusion of emotions. This has led to a lot of self-doubt in my romantic relationships in terms of the "genuineness" of my emotions, and it is usually only until the person leaves me that I feel the rush of emotions...and by then the relationship has already been sabotaged.
I apologize for the long ramblings...I'm just thinking out loud...I guess this is where the whole "people, places and things" thing comes in. I guess sometimes I stop short of admitting I'm powerless over alcohol because there many other things I feel powerless over! Blech.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I decided after 7 years sober that I had worked through my "issues" (and they were a big deal) that since I was better I could drink again. I knew that wasn't true after about 2 weeks of drinking.....Eight years later I made it back to sobriety, and I was lucky!
Wether I ever did or not....my body no longer processes alchohol like non-alchoholics. That will never change.
Just think about that and maybe read some about that. It might help you to sort things out.
glad your here!
Wether I ever did or not....my body no longer processes alchohol like non-alchoholics. That will never change.
Just think about that and maybe read some about that. It might help you to sort things out.
glad your here!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
