acoagirl

help me figure this out--I recently got divorced and a mutual friend introduced me to this very cute guy. I was instantly attracted. We had a lot in common--he was divorced a year when we met, 2 years in recovery, and had a great job, educated, kids, etc. We flirted back and forth, met in person, talked on the phone, emailed, etc. Then he was downsized at his company from a very good position. He really seemed to back off, and I understood completely. We continued to stay in touch but no dates. finally, about the time I was giving up that he was ever going to ask me out, he finally invited me over to his house for a wonderful meal. We talked, had fun, had lots in common and got along great. We met again for coffee, and I had him over to my house for dinner a few weeks later. We had a wonderful time--talking late into the night, then things got physical and we spent the rest of the night making incredible love to each other. He was wonderful--the chemistry was awesome. We stayed close for a couple of weeks, then suddenly he cooled. He continued to stay in touch by email, or phone, but was busy every weekend, etc. I did not chase, but DID start feeling that codependent hurt cuz I wasnt getting his constant approval. He invited me over to his house a couple of times (odd hours though-not the usual Saturday night) and we had a great time and the sex again was wonderful. He was warm and caring and very affectionate, although emotionally withdrawn and not talking about his feelings. I was afraid to ask too...WHAT HAPPENED...Why did you back away?
I invited himover to my house a couple of times, but always he would say Yes Id love to then proceed to tell me how jam packed his weekend was. I thought it was odd that the only times he wanted to see me were odd hours on weekdays (yes he really is divorced!), and mentioned that, but he never really replied.
the last time I went over there, he had invited me to stop by one evening after work for dinner. I decided to go even though I had been giving him plenty of space, and not contacting him. We had dinner, talked about Al Anon and ACoa, then he started kissing me and we had some very passionate lovemaking. Afterwards we were talking and he mentioned going to a concert that weekend (something you would probably take adate to). He also took a cell phone call in another room, and also proceeded to tell me (even though I didnt ask) how busy his upcoming weekends were.
I left there and thought about it...I realized he seems to be using me for sex, although he has really pursued our friendship too. His behavior seems to me that he has a girlfriend so would not want to go out with me, in case he might be seen. Also the reason he is booked every weekend and only can see me at his house at odd hours.
I did not return his emails or texts and he stopped. I am really sad, because we had been very good friends for the last six months. We talked every day...then the sex entered the picture and while it was wonderful it was also very confusing...were we friends, which is what he implied, or what? I will not allow myself to be used or disrespected. I guess if he really wants me or is interested in me, he will come after me. He needs to sort out his feelings, date other women, etc. I am totally baffled about the whole relationship...did he really like me as he seemed to? He was genuinely sweet and loving to me many times. I did not chase him at all. Is he seeing someone else, and just didnt have the nerve to tell me? why have sex with me? why not the other girlfriend or whoever was getting his weekend time? I know he has to get his life in order--get a good job again (which really bothers him), get overhis divorce, deal with sobriety (AA meetings at least 2-3x a week). does he have a new love who is in AA? Did his sponsor tell him not to get involved withme? I just dont get it. He was really into me and then we were just friends again...HELP!
for now, I am staying away, avoiding any contact, and letting him figure out his life. Ihope one day we can go back to at least being friends and maybe when he is ready be something more.

cookconfay

Maybe I'm way off and really wrong, but if you're gonna be sleeping with him don't you have some kind of a right to know what the hell is going on? I'd be all over asking about that sh!t.....but that's just me. Ain't gonna let them run me over again!!!

thelightdawns

The thing is.....if he really liked you he would pursue you - as you said. You may click really well, but obviously it's not enough for him. I'm thinking it sounds like he has a gf, as you also said. Listen to yourself!!!!!
And I am telling you if he does have a gf then he is a cheater and don't bother asking why, it's because they can.
If I were you I would get away while I could and look for a healthier alternative. You deserve more than spare hours here and there.
GL

acoagirl

The confusing thing is, a couple of times, I just gave up on him and his baffling behavior. I stopped answering emails, etc. He came after me like crazy, emailing, calling, stopping by and calling me that next morning. He was really concerned. This last time, he emailed twice, texted me and when he got no answer, he gave up.
Im thinking you are right, he has a girlfriend now...but WHY did things start out that way with us, then he suddenly backed off to "friends" but also worked like crazy to keep me? What I have to do is just let it go...if he wants to treat me well, and wants me as a friend or a lover, he can find me-if Im available. I did love that guy as messed up as he is, but he needs to get himself figured out. I sure miss him, but no amount of missing him will make me contact him. I need to know if he cares...
Thanks for the input!!! I need to hear it. :wtf2

Kindeyes

Difficult situation. I think men and women view sex a little differently and I don't think you would be out of line asking for clarification......particularly if he is as much of a friend as you believe him to be.

He could be thinking of you as a friend with benefits.

However, women tend to think that once they have sex, it is something beyond friendship.....there is an unspoken commitment of sorts.

If he does contact you, perhaps asking for clarification on his expectations of the friendship would be in order. Some people just want to satisfy an animal urge without strings attached.

You won't know until you ask him.

gentle hugs

Barbara52

I can't help much in figuring out this man you talk about.

But, as another ACOA, I suggest you look at why you got involved sexually so quickly. I know that for me in my younger single days it was a symptom of my issues from being an ACOA and I believe it to be a common characteristic we often share.

PHIZ007

I feel sorry for your situation BUT I see big red flags...... even if he comes back are you going to be happy with this relationship all on his terms???? Seeing you when it suits HIM, always when things suit HIM - I would say you've learnt a hard lesson and for that I am sorry you are hurting but let it be what it was and move right on.....(probably not what you want to hear right now...and just my opinion from what I read)

YOU deserve so much more and I wish you the best Phiz

Shivaya

Does he have children? Maybe he is spending time with them on the weekends?

Girl, just be honest and ask him what his intentions are, and where he sees the relationship going. If it's not what you want, then move on.

Good luck to you!

Shivaya

acoagirl

I am never one to jump in bed quickly with any man. With my ex husband I made him wait 3 months! This guy...we corresponded, went out for coffee, had lunch, emailed almost daily-or talked on the phone, texted, etc from November to March!!. He also asked me to do stuff several times. So it wasnt like I barely knew him, although we hadnt really been DATING like in a committed relationship. HE came over to my house, put the moves on me, and if I were someone where I could have left, I would have...leaving him wanting for more. Instead, I was so turned on, he stayed until 7 the next morning, then was texting me again that following evening. It wasnt like sex and then hes gone...he was really into me then hit the brakes for some reason...no explanation...but he was married for 20 years, so Im guessing hes got lots of wild oats to sow.HEs a good looking charming guy..he probably has women all over him, plus he KNOWS how to make love to someone.
OH well....maybe in a year, if/when he grows up. Hes acting like a teenager, not a 45 year old man. But thats the nature of an alcoholic...emotional growth ends where the addiction began. Hes got some work. Do you think he met someone in AA? That seems logical...they all get so close there. Hes been going 2-3 times a week for 2 years.
Thanks for your opinions...sometimes its hard to be objective in this situation. I want to give him every benefit of the doubt, but at this point, Im thinking, he's just not that into me! And yeah, Im vulnerable...just got divorced a year ago, from a very emotionally abusive man. Surprise.

NYC_Chick

I used to date a guy years ago who acted somewhat like your friend. He would take calls in the other room and not want to hang out on "date nights"

I became close to his roommate. He finally told me that he hated having to lie to me because of S, so he siad that S has had a girlfriend for over 3 years. We were "together" for a year. I had no clue!

That one was easy to move on from once I found out the truth. I would just ask him if you feel like you need closure. Something doesn't sound right.

Freedom1990

Bingo! I was reading through your post looking for something specific, and there it was.

When I first got out of rehab, my sponsor told me to keep my pants up! Needless to say, I did not listen, and kept my emotions in a turmoil for many years because I was not willing to look at my codependency issues, specifically relationships and sex.

I rationalized for 4 years into my recovery that I could handle a relationship, sex and all.

Guess what? I ended up throwing 4 years of my precious recovery right out the window.

Why?

I had not addressed my codependency issues and learned that happiness is an inside job.

Every single time, when I was feeling vulnerable, I'd hop into a relationship, and it finally caught up with me.

For me, sex was the ultimate form of approval from a man. I still had that damnable need to be validated.

When my then boyfriend relapsed (he was 2 years sober when we started dating), I got caught up in the dynamics of his relapse because once again, I was hinging my reality, my feel-goods off of another human being.

When I finally decided to address my codependency issues, I made a commitment to not act on those thoughts of wanting to be rescued, to have someone validate me when I was feeling vulnerable.

It took my ex-fiance walking out on me in July of 1999 to finally see just what my unresolved codependency issues had done to me in my life, and to my family.

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Over the years I have been through some difficult situations where I was very vulnerable, and even though that pull was there to 'find' a man, I did not act on it, and continued to work on self.

Today, I am comfortable in my own skin. I do not need a man in my life, nor do I have one.

I have discovered so much about myself, and will be finally starting back to college in less than two weeks!

I will finally have my degree, actually a double degree when I graduate.

If there never is another man in my life, I'm okay with that because I'm okay with self.

A relationship isn't even on my priority list.

I like being independent, not sitting and driving myself crazy over another 'failed' relationship, obsessing on 'him' and what went wrong.

I am so incredibly grateful to be where I am at today, and my life is full.

Today, I focus on me and what is the next right thing to do for my recovery.

acoagirl

You hit it on the head. I was thinking the same thing. I tried not to chase, and act independent, etc, but my neediness and codependency probably came shining through. I know I would hinge my feelings for the day based on whether he called me, emailed me, etc. STUPID! CRAZY! I thought I was done with that, but its sooo easy to fall right back into. And coming from 17 years of codependency with a critical, verbal and emotionally abusive man, it was sooo easy to fall back into that pattern. My thoughts are that THIS guy is probably the same way, which is why I got so hooked on him.
I do miss the friendship though. He was the one who initiated the sex and was very pursuasive about it (and very good), so it was so hard to say no. As great as that was, I with that part had not happened. It hooked me emotionally, especially because i was hoping for more, so in my delusional state, once the sex started, my little brain said, OH, he LOVES you. But not true. He was just a horny friend, and I fell for it.
Thanks for the input!! IT really helped me see what I thought I was seeing.

acoagirl

OMG!!! you are good. What im wondering is WHY I wasnt the one he went into the other room to talk to..why wasnt I the one he made the weekend plans with???

acoagirl

I do have to say we have been very close friends though...we have been through and were going through a lot of the same things. We helped each other that way. I had strengths he said he admired, he had strengths and insight I admired. We had a lot in common...I think he just screwed it up by being horny and deciding it was ok to make another conquest. Remember, he is in recovery-2 years...hes basically a teenager emotionally--even though he is in his 40's--married 20 years. Part of it was me...part of it was me thinking he was emotionally mature-as are most men I have dated my age...although Im beginning to believe that a LOT of these so called 'grown-ups' have some major ISSUES!!!!

LaTeeDa

Classic codependent thinking. Someone is treating me badly or being a jerk--it must be something I did or something wrong with me.

L

acoagirl

No I just wanted to be the girl he wanted. thats all. I liked him...wish he liked me. just normal thinking there, I think.

Pick-a-name

Just a guess on my part,but my inclination is to think perhaps he is involved with someone already;perhaps someone who is not in the same town during the week and they see each other on the weekends. (I had a year of that during our engagement while AH finished up at college and I was working in a town 100 miles away). Or maybe just juggling two of you,for whatever reason.

He doesn't sound like someone who is interested in anything "serious" with you, at least not at the moment. I also agree about taking it a lot slower;at least that is what I have always founds works the best for me. In fact,if someone did not want to "wait" for me to be comfortable with a slower pace with the physical side to the relationship,I knew then why he was involved and I was better rid of him from the get-go.

Hard a it may be;I think I would not be so available to him;in any way. If he's really interested,let himfit into YOUR schedule sometime. jmho

Pick-a-name

Just because someone makes a request,does not mean it needs to be granted.

steve11694

Lots of women have been in a "roles reversed" situation akin to the above. Chemistry, sex, affection, BUT the woman simply does not feel the same way the guy does, in the case that he is heads over heels.

for some it takes more than sex, affection, etc to feel the need to commit to someone.

I think some of these concepts are involved in what we refer to as "dating"

PS: I am separated from my AW and my number 1 priority is to take care of our young child, the greatest love in my life. If I were to date someone and even with chemistry, etc,etc etc, she might not understand my focus, my child.

SS234

Wow - I was in pretty much the exact same situation. I agree with your quote - I think it's normal, not a codependent issue.

Mine was 15 years sober.

I called him last, after he had broken up our "non-exclusive" relationship for about the third time. (He knew I wanted an exclusive relationship).

He said he met someone a few weeks ago. Of course this hurt but I was calm on the phone. Then he said, she's out of town at a wedding and asked me to go over to basically sleep with him.

I knew this guy for over a year and he completely disrespected me at this point and treated me like an object. He had no regard for my feelings. I'm not the least bit easy and don't sleep with guys too soon either. It takes months before I will.

Back to your quote I pasted above - being the one he wanted. I wanted a commitment from the guy I was seeing. He asked me over when I called - even though he had found another girl "he wanted".

These guys run in circles - I don't think they can truly be with one. If he was so into the "real" other girl he met who was away at a wedding he would not have asked me over.

Would you want to be his "real" girl? She's away at a wedding for a day, his ex calls and he wants his ex over???

Unless I'm naive and most guys do this . . .

He likely liked you as much as he can ever like any of the other girls. You sound pretty level headed and mature from your post which was probably too much for him : )

It's been a few weeks for me now. Happy we're both not contacting them : ) And I know - I think the same - if only I was the one, etc. and I'll probably think this for awhile because I basically miss him which is ridiculous.

I'm focusing on what a man does in the future, not what he says. I tend not to tolerate too much so hopefully this shouldn't be too difficult. I don't know why I tolerated so much with this one.