kermit

Mom said he keeps stealing, and is getting verbaly abusive. She wants him out, Dad will not support her. Says it is his son, ect... Well I am affraid that it is going to get violent soon, I pray not, he has never hurt anyone. He has been drinking for as long as I can remember, a good 25-30yrs, does there ever come a time when he is no longer" a functioning alcholic?" I have tried to stay out of it, it is my parents decision that he live there, none of my buisness ect...but my brother is blaming my kids for things as simple as "the grandkids eat the food, not me" My parents took a reverse mortgage out on there home, alot to do with helping me, and so now when my Mom says to my A brother get out he says "this aint your home, you can't throw me out"
Is there a way for me to call the authorities? Do I stay out of it? Do I p[ull my sister and other brother in on this? Mom wants to leave, but why should she leave her home? Any advice?
Thanks, Kermmie~

wooforever

I would contact the police and see if there is anything they can do. If he has not hurt anyone I do not think they can do anything. I would talk to your brother and sister and tell them what is going on. You are right your mother should not have to leave the house, but if no one can help and you are afaird your bother will become physical then your mom needs to feel safe, and if that means moving out then she needs to that.

Astro

Just from my own own experience, I drank for 27 years and thought I was a highly functioning alcoholic, a "family man" with a wife, 2 kids, a nice home. But as time went on I was ceasing to function. I was injuring my kids in "accidents", dropping them and playing too roughly, driving drunk every day with them in the car. I was becoming more and more verbally abusive with my now ex-wife, and I have no doubt I would've eventually turned to physical abuse.

wooforever had some excellent suggestions. Nobody should have to feel unsafe because of an alcoholic's behavior.

Bernadette

Heya kermit,
Have you ever just had an "informational" meeting with your parents, just the three of you - without discussing whether they should get your brother out of the house? Try to have a cool headed meeting where you share just factual information about alcoholism and the progression of the disease. Don't propose any actions, or make any judgements about their behavior, or your bro's. "Under the Influence" is a great book if you could get either of them to read it, or read from it. AlAnon (and AlAnon literature) is a great help too, I highly recommend it for you if you're not already going and maybe you could get one or both of your parents to go with you?

It will take a little time for them to change if they are willing.

For many parents it is not until they begin to tunderstand that they can "love their child to death" by enabling them that they begin to change their ways. Parents are naturally going to keep helping a child in danger and who is a mess. It is unatural at first to stop doing this. But a little education about how much they are actually harming their child, SERIOUSLY harming their child by enabling sometimes gives them the push they need to act.

It's a sad situation, and it would stress me out to be fearful of my parent's safety...the idea came into my mom's head recently to let one of my A bros move in with her since he lost his license (2nd DUI) and I was just like "ARE you out of your mind??!!!" Parent's denial of the situation can be really overpowering. They just don't know what to do with their pain and really think they are helping, and the alcoholic can really take advantage of that.

Try not to listen when your brother says anything untrue or hurtful like he has been. Just picture a duck quacking - that's all it is - quack quack, it's everybody elses fault quack, quack quack... Nothing changes...

Peace,
B.

Barbara52

Perhaps your mom leaving for a while will wake up your father to the realities of the situation?

LucyA

hi kermit,
I really feel for you, I've been through similar stuff myself recently.
It was so difficult for me to watch my parents suffering, putting themselves in danger and beating themselves up over my brothers alcoholism. I got to the point where I was making myself physically ill worrying about them and talking to them about facts, I realised I just had to stop for my own good, I wasn't getting anywhere anyway.
I stopped talking about my brother with them, I completely detached myself from him and I started living a peaceful life.
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy, my mum would slip things in to conversations and sometimes I'd slip up and start talking, as soon as I realised what I was doing I'd say something like 'hey, you did it again, we wern't talking about him' and carry on talking about something else.
My mum was the main enabler for my brother, she cleaned his carpet once for him, while he sat there and watched her, because his house was a tip. She stayed with him while he went through DT's because she thought the authorities would take his son away if anyone found out about his drinking.

Anyway, I carried on like this for a few weeks, for my own good really, not with any plan for anyone else. But slowly my parents seemed to realise how well I was doing, how I wasn't getting caught up in his madness anymore, how I stopped losing weight and started looking better. And they started to do the same. They're like different people now, more like the parents I used to know, but a little older and wiser.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't mean to hijack, I just wanted to say in our case actions spoke louder than anything else.

Bernadettes advice is good, thats where I started out, it just took a little more for my parents. I hope you all find the kind of peace we have now in our family x

laurie6781

Kermit I see you live in California.

I have deduced that your parents may be 'up in years a bit' and have to say that California has a really good Adult Protection Services, something to keep in mind, as you know your A brother is only going to get worse not better, and the APS are really good at doing 'wellness checks' and being very observant and discreet while they do it.

As has been suggested try having a quiet calm chat with your folks with the Alanon pamphlets and any other info that you think will help them see, however do not be surprised if they or your dad rejects your information at this time.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

kermit

Thank you everyone. those who know me well, I do go to allano, I took Mom once, she never went back, Dad he just doesn't get it. I can talk to him show him stuff untill I'm blue in the face
I think I will take a little advice from all. I will talk to my other brother and sister and let them know I am going to call the adult protective agency here in Cal, get Mom to another meeting. and pray for the best.
Love you all...
We are off for a long weekend motorcycle riding. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Rella927

Kermie.....I agree with a lot said here..and Laurie as always has great advice with the California laws!

Sorry that you are strugglin with this

I have 3 A brothers-one makes an honest living and is not so bad (well he drinks which is bad enough but has been on a steady not overload like my one) the other is a multi-millionare and just will never stop drinking IMHO....the third one has had a huge struggle with the battle of this disease.-

He lived with my parents for awhile (they tried to help him out) my step Dad wanted him out-however that was not going to happen with Mom-she continued to enable him-he continued not to work-was near death 4 times-and finally he became not only verbally abuse (my father would shake) he became physically abusive! He has been in and out of detox, rehab, homes....he starts out well and with a job AA and then I guess from what i have learned with A's it is to new and a big discomfort for them to have things going positive-without alcohol. Kind of like us codies when things become free from chaos!

Anyway....my parents are 74 and do not need this any longer (As I'm sure yours do not eithier)- I spoke to them (as suggested) and so did my sister and other brother (I have 6 brothers) Mom finally began to see what she was doing and he is no longer allowed in the house-she went to Al-Anon.....and is finally learning that although we love them so much we cannot fix them-We can only pray and hope they find their own way to recovery! In the meantime we need to keep ourselves safe which is what they are doing now.

I do not know the situation with your Dad however it is a good idea to maybe sit down with them and tell them how you feel.... "I feel......" and then hey at least you gave it a shot- let them know or even just your Mom that you are afraid of physical abuse that may happen...maybe she will take it upon herself to leave with the others..and now you know about the law in Cali so you have that on your side which is something to mention to her as well. (Thanks Laurie)

Good Luck Kermie!

Prayers to you ...