cem001

I can honestly say that the past 3 years and 7 months have been great. My AH "finally" done something for himself and got sober.

With that being said, I am struggling. In the past when my AH drank, most of the time he didn't stop until he had enough to go into a "black out" drunk. To this day I still don't understand how you can do something, but not remember? This concept is hard for me to understand.

Back to story, I have suspected my AH to having at least one affair, if not several. Even in "recovery" he says that NOTHING happened. However, he's working his 4th step and admitted on paper that he had several after marriage affairs. Some while we were engaged. I am so angry that he couldn't remember/didn't want to remember to be honest with me, but yet he's honest in his forth step. Which is GREAT. That's the only way he can continue in recovery.

When I discovered this, I bawled not because the affair, because remember I had already pretty much decided it had happened, but for the lies. I have given him several outs since and he's not done with step four so I guess it's going to take a life time before I'll know the whole truth if I ever do.

My sponsor said to hold tight, that he's doing a lot of soul searching that is killing him. I do love him, we have 3 kids and have been married 21 years. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. I don't want his sponsor telling him to not reveal that crap to me, because it might injure me, hello I might injure him if he doesn't. I am the type that needs answers to move on. I have to know the truth for my sanity and peace of mind.

CatsPajamas

In my experience, the 4th step is not something that is shared with a spouse or loved one, but rather with a sponsor.

I had to do some real soul searching in my situation. I knew what I suspected, I knew that his words and actions didn't match up... and I wanted answers. What I ultimately realized was that his confirmation of my suspicions was only going to do / mean one thing - that I could trust my gut. And I knew that already. SO - his confession really didn't change anything except to give me a reason to be angry and suspicious - which I already was. It was better to just focus on my own recovery and let him work on his.

AMENDS are much further down the line in the 9th step, if he decides to make an amend to you for his previous actions. He might decide to not confess his misdeeds, but rather to make living amends to you by treating you and your marriage with the integrity and tenderness it deserves.

His recovery is his, yours is yours. Good luck!

Cats

laurie6781

You obviously do know the steps, thus you know that there are several more after 4 and 5 until 8 and 9. At step 8 is when he will make his list of all who he has harmed and step 9 is when HE will start making HIS amends. His sponsor has no say, this is a decision he must make for him.

And I have to tell you with just about 27 years of sobriety, I suspect there are still things I don't know that I did in blackouts. I am missing from about Aug Sept '72 through all of '73. Now I have done several 4th and 5th steps and then 9ths as some things have been remembered as I go through sobriety.

That being said, you can't work his program for him on your time schedule. I know, I tried with my 2nd husband (reason I got into Alanon at 3 years sober, rofl). Instead both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor both told me to just keep my side of the street clean and work my own program. To stop focusing on him and put my eyes back on myself.

Well low and behold, when I did that, slowly things started to change. I stopped obsessing and making myself crazy, and when he was ready he told me what he needed to tell me, based on his memory.

I was able to accept that that was HP working in both our lives.

So, listen to your sponsor <vbg> continue working your program and you will be surprised, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly how things change.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

serenityqueen

I''m not asking you to answer this question to us, just to yourself.

How did you end up reading his 4th Step on paper?

If I'm reading your post correctly, he didn't share this with you on his own, did he?

If he didn't and you haven't already spoke to him about this, please, for his sake DON'T.


"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. . . "

As Cats said, this is something he may or may not reveal to you in his 9th Step. He may choose to make living amends. But this has to be his choice, on his terms and when he's ready. . . this is HIS PROGRAM.

Until then, all I can suggest is that you Pray for God to give you the strength and guidance to handle this. To put the past where it belongs, in the past and to be grateful that he is now clean and sober and working the Steps. If you continue to dwell on this, it's not going to do either of you one bit of good.

God Bless,
Judy

cem001

Judy, I did the ultimate NO NO. I happened to be cleaning up, and for months he has kept it (forth step work) under lock and key and I never bothered NOT once to take a look at it, with that being said, while cleaning (him sleeping as he does most all of the time) it was open and my children were asking me what is this? I glanced and told them to put it down that it was their dad's personal stuff. I made sure it was closed and moved on. The next thing I know (the same day) it's open again and he's still asleep. He continues to leave it open all the time so my sick brain said "he's wanting you to read it". So after a month or more, I finally sat and read what I already pretty much knew.

Yes, at some point I will have to make amends to reading that. I have told my sponsor and we have had many discussions about what I should have done. I am human, therefore I make mistakes, however I am not making excuses, I know what I did was wrong, however again I felt that I needed answers. I have NOT discussed this with him, and I won't until my sponsor says it's time, or she may say just a living amends as well.

I pray each night for strength to get through the next day, I do my readings and I am writing Dear God letters which help.

He and I have shared our whole lives together for the most part (good and bad) and I DO understand that his forth step has to be done on his & God's time, and that's a character defect of mine. I am not patient. I wished it is something that he can share with me, but I also understand why that can't take place. Because of the resentments and feelings he has towards me.

I am working my program, and trying to move past. But I am human and it's still hard.

cem001

Let me also add, that I am making progress with my steps, my sponsor see's it every week in our meeting and at our one on one meetings. I do believe everything you have all said, I am just really good at giving it to God, but I have perfected the art of taking it back. Yet again I am working on that.

Past is past I agree, however sometimes the past creeps back up on you without even suspecting. Some stupid little thing can trigger it.

Yes, I am a sick Al-Anon, but thank God for the program.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are hurting and angry. But it is so wonderful that the last 3 years and 7 months have been great and your husband is sober! People in active addiction do terrible things. They lie, they cheat, and worse. In varying degrees, all of us here have dealt with those terrible things. It is up to each of us how we cope with the past.

For me......today is what is important. I can't change what happened in the past so I can't dwell on it.

gentle hugs

laurie6781

Yep that is a hard one. Here's what my sponsor suggested and it worked great.

I didn't have much money being newly sober, lol, so she suggested that I take a BIG brown grocery bag, and with Black Magic Marker write GOD'S BAG on it. Then every time one of these problems, resentments, anger, etc came up, I was to write it on a SMALL piece of paper, fold that paper up even smaller and throw it in the bag. After doing that for a couple of weeks, she then said, now, if I want to take it back to 'chew' on it some more, I was going to have to go through all those pieces of paper to find the correct one, refolding, of course, the ones that weren't the right one.

Well, let me tell you, that bag already had too many of those little pieces of folded up paper in it and it just seemed like too dang much work. Gave me another reasong just to leave the particular problem with HP.

Hope that will help. Has been a great TOOL for me all these years. Yes I still have a GOD'S BOX (yep, bought a real nice box, rofl and disposed of the old brown grocery bag).

Love and hugs,

Tally

If my husband was sleeping around behind my back, drunk or not drunk, I would want to know...Apart from the fact that he would have decieved me, betrayed my trust and lied to me, there's also the matter of STD's....

I understand he's sober and working the program, his program, but how is him cheating on you not any of your business?

cem001

Well he wouldn't find that I had cheated on him, I took/take my vows I guess more serious. My step four will be a bit on the boring side. Yes, I have lots of defects, but he won't find anything in there that I haven't told him or that he already knows.

cem001

I guess I am confused at that last paragraph.

You are RIGHT about one thing for sure, the information is a bitter pill that is just festering inside. Do I wished I hadn't read it? Of course! Not only for my sanity of knowing, but for the security I have breeched with him.

How do I feel about our relationship? I love him with all my heart and soul, am I in love with him? That's another story. I once asked him if he felt that there was a difference in "being in love" and "loving" someone and he said NO! I thought he was crazy, but am beginning to wonder if I wasn't the one crazy.

He had an accident 7 years ago that "changed" our lives forever, he has had 4 surgeries and facing more. To put it bluntly he suffers now with ED. This has/had not changed my feelings at all until I read that "4th step" that festers inside. Now I am beginning to wonder if it's just me that he can't have sex with. I spoke with my sponsor and him (RAH) about this and he said let me complete my 4th step and maybe things will get back on track. When I discussed that we were moving apart from each other rather than growing with each other he hugged me saying that it wasn't true. That so much is riding on his 4th step, that he's dealing with demons. This was before my reading. I asked if there was anything we needed to go to counceling together or him seperate of me and he said no. He just needed time to work on his step. But he hasn't. He asks me everyday how I am coming with my Dear God letters, but tells me he hasn't worked on his step in a few weeks.

I know that we are both HUMAN and that HUMAN's make mistakes. Do I feel that since I am not AH that I am on "higher" ground than him? NO. I suffer with the ism's too.

IS that what you were getting at? I appreciate your comments. Truely I do. I may sound bitter, but it's my demons I am working with as well. Please don't quit posting. I check it about every hour.:ghug3