Struggling!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Struggling!!!!
I am really struggling with my separation from AH. It has only been almost 1 week and I have never felt so alone in my entire life. Although I feel relief from not having to see or deal with his denial on a daily basis ... I feel like I am lost ... I don't know who I am in these days. I know the process is going to take time, but I am so lonely. I have friends and family but don't seem to want to be with anyone. I do see them anyway, but I don't feel like I'm really there.
I've seen my AH 2 times since he left and each time he frustrated me because of his denial. He has ruined everything in his life, yet he still finds OTHER reasons for this.
What is it that I miss? The chaos??? The routine??? HIM???? I find myself crying way too much and snapping at everyone and everything. This is NOT ME!!!!
I thought I was going to feel better, and I feel so sad and alone.
Any encouraging words will help. This place has become my sanity!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs..
I've seen my AH 2 times since he left and each time he frustrated me because of his denial. He has ruined everything in his life, yet he still finds OTHER reasons for this.
What is it that I miss? The chaos??? The routine??? HIM???? I find myself crying way too much and snapping at everyone and everything. This is NOT ME!!!!
I thought I was going to feel better, and I feel so sad and alone.
Any encouraging words will help. This place has become my sanity!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs..
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Never)))
Do you think that it's maybe because you're not used to worrying about and taking care of YOU and what YOU want and need? You've been making him the priority for so long! that's what this time is for, and one week isn't enough, it takes time.
Take a bath, read a good book, rent your favorite movie, take a walk and smell the spring flower, anything - for YOU! You'll make it, you will not only find sanity, you will find YOU, but it will take a little longer than 7 days- just know you're on your way!
And, don't forget, grieving and saying goodbye to something old and gone is good - including a relationship or even just the dynamics of a relationship. It's change and some changes require work first. I think Ann posted something from Just for Today today - have you read it? At least I think it was today - or yesterday, not sure - take a look at both for good measure!
You'll make it! baby steps! Take a deep breath - stick out that foot, and take that step, no matter how big or small. We're here with you!
Love and hugs right back at you!
Do you think that it's maybe because you're not used to worrying about and taking care of YOU and what YOU want and need? You've been making him the priority for so long! that's what this time is for, and one week isn't enough, it takes time.
Take a bath, read a good book, rent your favorite movie, take a walk and smell the spring flower, anything - for YOU! You'll make it, you will not only find sanity, you will find YOU, but it will take a little longer than 7 days- just know you're on your way!
And, don't forget, grieving and saying goodbye to something old and gone is good - including a relationship or even just the dynamics of a relationship. It's change and some changes require work first. I think Ann posted something from Just for Today today - have you read it? At least I think it was today - or yesterday, not sure - take a look at both for good measure!
You'll make it! baby steps! Take a deep breath - stick out that foot, and take that step, no matter how big or small. We're here with you!
Love and hugs right back at you!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I learned (through much pain and sadness) that the only way to the other side (happiness and peace) is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to walk the walk of the living, whether my heart was into it or not. Each day that I continued to go through the motions--work, home, eat, sleep--got me one step closer to a more "whole" me. I'm not sure when I finally made the turn, where good days began to outnumber bad ones. It certainly didn't happen in a week. More like a year or two. But I had made myself a promise when I chose to divorce--I was NEVER going to live like THAT again. So I stuck to that promise, reminding myself in the mirror when necessary. And I don't have that pain anymore. Life is good. I have "created" a new normal for myself, and I like it soooo much more than my previous "normal" with an active alcoholic as a mate.
Give yourself time, honey. It's a pretty long walk, and I know right now you can't see that it will get better. It will, I promise. Don't sink with it. Just walk with it. That's how it's done. That's how NORMAL people deal with grief and crisis. We don't drug ourselves or drink ourselves silly to escape it. We face it, walk through it even when we feel like curling up and escaping, and we survive it. And in that survival, we become incredibly strong, stronger than you can imagine right now. I already see your strength, even if you can't, because I've walked YOUR walk and I know how hard it is. THAT is strength. Hugs and peace to you tonight, NEVERends
Give yourself time, honey. It's a pretty long walk, and I know right now you can't see that it will get better. It will, I promise. Don't sink with it. Just walk with it. That's how it's done. That's how NORMAL people deal with grief and crisis. We don't drug ourselves or drink ourselves silly to escape it. We face it, walk through it even when we feel like curling up and escaping, and we survive it. And in that survival, we become incredibly strong, stronger than you can imagine right now. I already see your strength, even if you can't, because I've walked YOUR walk and I know how hard it is. THAT is strength. Hugs and peace to you tonight, NEVERends
Last edited by peaceteach; 05-22-2008 at 08:33 PM.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
Can you find a counsellor? Talking to an objective person who doesn't know you, or your life, can really shed light on the situation in a totally different way and help you see things much more clearly. The people who love you really want to help but are often too involved to be teh guide you need to get you through.
Maybe your work has an employee assistance program, or check your local listings for counsellors.
It got me through my separation and divorce.
Good luck, you will get there.....every day is one day closer to where you want to be!
Maybe your work has an employee assistance program, or check your local listings for counsellors.
It got me through my separation and divorce.
Good luck, you will get there.....every day is one day closer to where you want to be!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Time heals all wounds. We need time to grieve for the lost relationship, and then when we are done grieving, we move forward accepting that we have made the wisest & healthiest choice for ourselves based on the situation.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I believe that it is very normal to grieve a loss. It just takes time. The chaos of a relationship truly can be addictive...things can feel empty and depleted without it. Many relationships with addicts are addictive themselves - they are our drug. So - it stands to reason that withdrawal could be painful. Some of Charlotte Kaisl's work really helped me to understand what I have felt in relationships.
Stay true to yourself and know that time will pass and these hurts and pains will lessen.
Thinking of you
Stay true to yourself and know that time will pass and these hurts and pains will lessen.
Thinking of you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
I can't thank you all enough for helping me see things more clearly. I do feel like I am grieving ... a death ... Altho it is actually a beginning and not an end ... My heart breaks for him and I do miss the routine I guess ... But it was sooo unhealthy for both of us to stay together .. We were miserable, to say the least ... I think I am finding it hard to accept the fact the he chose drugs over what could have been ... He chose drugs over a successful business.. He chose drugs over family and friends (healthy ones) It just breaks my heart that I wasn't enough and realize now that it has nothing to do with me. This is something I struggled with for many many years .. And now with all of the chaos stopped so suddenly, I feel like a stranger in my own world ... This place has gotten me to a point where I have set boundaries and have stuck to them ... It hurts, it's hard but it is for the best... For a healthy future at least for me ... OOOhhh how I'm trying to stay strong ...
Thank you all AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN ...
Love and hugs,
Thank you all AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN ...
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Neverends -
I completely feel your pain. I moved out a week and a half ago and it sounds like I am feeling a lot of the same things that you are feeling. I have so many resentments, fears, and hurt feelings. Today is particularly bad. There are times when I feel strong and okay and then there are times like now. I keep hoping that he will care enough to do the right thing but I have to accept that I can't change who he is or how he acts. All I can do is change whether or not I will step into the path of his destruction. My husband has been verbally/emotionally abusive to me since we married and now has stepped into the realm of physical abuse. I have to walk away and stay away. He currently is acting like he is the victim and that if I would only act right and not be so volitile then everything would be fine.
It's all addictive thinking and behavior. As is my behavior that I would be hurting and anguishing because someone that has treated me this way isn't acting the way that I would like for them too. It's crazy. I know better. But it still is incredibly hard. I am having to fight every urge in the world not to call or go by. I won't do it though. It helps me to read your posts. Thank you for posting.
I completely feel your pain. I moved out a week and a half ago and it sounds like I am feeling a lot of the same things that you are feeling. I have so many resentments, fears, and hurt feelings. Today is particularly bad. There are times when I feel strong and okay and then there are times like now. I keep hoping that he will care enough to do the right thing but I have to accept that I can't change who he is or how he acts. All I can do is change whether or not I will step into the path of his destruction. My husband has been verbally/emotionally abusive to me since we married and now has stepped into the realm of physical abuse. I have to walk away and stay away. He currently is acting like he is the victim and that if I would only act right and not be so volitile then everything would be fine.
It's all addictive thinking and behavior. As is my behavior that I would be hurting and anguishing because someone that has treated me this way isn't acting the way that I would like for them too. It's crazy. I know better. But it still is incredibly hard. I am having to fight every urge in the world not to call or go by. I won't do it though. It helps me to read your posts. Thank you for posting.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
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I continue to come back here and find so many words that keep me strong .... (((light))) I am doing the same things you are. I am fighting so hard NOT to call him, and haven't only on a return call if he calls ... I know when I don't hear from him it is for a "Reason" .. and I'm just trying to keep myself busy altho I feel so fake in everything I do ... But I guess I can say "it is getting me by" ... I am lucky to have my mom visiting for the weekend which is keeping my mind occupied, but I know that HE is doing nothing and I'm not sure if him telling me certain things isn't his way of trying to make me feel bad (which it does) .. But I am fighting myself tooth and nail not to care ... I question if what I am doing is a revenge thing but at the same time I know it is what I NEED to do if I ever plan on finding happiness ... I know he won't change for me or for anyone else so I have to leave it to him to do what HE needs to do, whether negative or positive ... (most likely negative) .. I just pray that he finds his way SOON... not for me because I'm not sure that all the hurt, betrayal and resentment can ever be made better, but for him so that he can have a good life, which I believe he deserves ... He is a good person behind the drugs (they all are aren't they) but the good person I knew had dissappeared years ago ... And it HURTS!!!!!!!!!! I still miss his face, but I'm not missing the chaos...I'm not missing the lies and I'm not missing the HURT of me trying to make things good and getting nothing in return ... I haven't cried in 2 days
and I pray when Mom leaves that I will be OK .... I am LONELY inside and I miss a person being in my life, but I don't miss living a life with an addict ... I will get past this .. at least I pray ...
Prayers to you light ... I know WE can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's stay strong together ...
Love and hugs,
and I pray when Mom leaves that I will be OK .... I am LONELY inside and I miss a person being in my life, but I don't miss living a life with an addict ... I will get past this .. at least I pray ...Prayers to you light ... I know WE can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's stay strong together ...
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
When I finally got away... when he left and I was no longer living that toxic life full of confusion and chaos and fear...
The first few days I almost couldn't breathe. I missed him. I missed everything about him, and about us. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad... and then I realized that I was addicted. I was addicted to HIM, to the drama. As sick as our relationship was, at least I knew what to expect. It might not have been healthy, but it was familiar.
I had to go thru withdrawl. I had to take it one day at a time. I had recovery friends whom I could call when I really wanted to call him. Thank God for my own program of recovery. I learned to keep the focus on me and not on him. I had to constantly remind myself that my goal was to be happy, healthy and whole.
Time takes time. Better days are ahead.
Hugs
Cats
The first few days I almost couldn't breathe. I missed him. I missed everything about him, and about us. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad... and then I realized that I was addicted. I was addicted to HIM, to the drama. As sick as our relationship was, at least I knew what to expect. It might not have been healthy, but it was familiar.
I had to go thru withdrawl. I had to take it one day at a time. I had recovery friends whom I could call when I really wanted to call him. Thank God for my own program of recovery. I learned to keep the focus on me and not on him. I had to constantly remind myself that my goal was to be happy, healthy and whole.
Time takes time. Better days are ahead.
Hugs
Cats
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
When my life fell apart last year ( separated from my husband, and son spiraled into addiction) I was separated from the two people I loved most in this world. I remember many days and nights of walking through a fog. It was forward motion but not really living. I would force myself to be with people when I really wanted to curl up in my bed.
It took a while for it to feel like a life. I relied on a good counselor for a while.
I don't that I realized how traumatic it all was, and how deep I was into the pain, stress and depression. I really think I had Post traumatic stress syndrome. Because there are big chunks of the year I barely remember.
I was so angry, especially angry at God.
Al-anon saved me, and so did this place.
when I began to feel God again in my life I gave both my son and my husband to him every night. ( sometimes i threw them at him... in my head...)then I focused on how I was going to have a life that didn't have my husband in it. I found things that I wanted to do. I began to go to a guitar class. Fixed up a home that was just mine, and found myself. I know that sounds so clique but when you are as co-Dependant as I was it makes perfect sense that I was lost without them both.
slowly my confidence came back.
Believe it or not, but this last year I have grown more than I have in all my adult years. I am stronger now and find happiness again that's not tied to someone else's happiness. ( crazy huh?!)
Just be gentle with yourself, right now time feels like your enemy but time eventually became my ally. Because my life is now on my time, I am there for the people I love, but I do not want to lose myself to a relationship again. I want to exist in it.
Just give him to God, he's God's problem to carry now.
:praying
It took a while for it to feel like a life. I relied on a good counselor for a while.
I don't that I realized how traumatic it all was, and how deep I was into the pain, stress and depression. I really think I had Post traumatic stress syndrome. Because there are big chunks of the year I barely remember.
I was so angry, especially angry at God.
Al-anon saved me, and so did this place.
when I began to feel God again in my life I gave both my son and my husband to him every night. ( sometimes i threw them at him... in my head...)then I focused on how I was going to have a life that didn't have my husband in it. I found things that I wanted to do. I began to go to a guitar class. Fixed up a home that was just mine, and found myself. I know that sounds so clique but when you are as co-Dependant as I was it makes perfect sense that I was lost without them both.
slowly my confidence came back.
Believe it or not, but this last year I have grown more than I have in all my adult years. I am stronger now and find happiness again that's not tied to someone else's happiness. ( crazy huh?!)
Just be gentle with yourself, right now time feels like your enemy but time eventually became my ally. Because my life is now on my time, I am there for the people I love, but I do not want to lose myself to a relationship again. I want to exist in it.
Just give him to God, he's God's problem to carry now.
:praying
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
brings to mind the slogans "fake it til you make it" and "emotions aren't facts". I read somewhere that the way we do self talk is important.....as in saying "I feel hurt and sad" vs. I am hurt and sad. That is something small that is helping me. It reminds me that how I am feeling is simply an emotion.....all of which eventually pass in time. This too shall pass and those types of pains are simply withdrawals. Think of all the times that we have thought that if our addicts could just get through the initial cravings and pain of withdrawal that they would be able to see all the good that is on the other side. Maybe this is similar.
My RAH has almost 3 years of sobriety. Drugs and addict thinking have impacted him and changed him. Some people embrace recovery and some don't. If they don't then all you are dealing with is a non-using addict which can be excruciating to live around. The pain of that is a lot worse than what I am feeling now. Although it is has not been all bad, the bad more than outweighs the good by a very long shot. The allure of the man he used to be w/o the drugs is simply a dream. I'm longing for something that doesn't exist - or if what I'm longing for is a situation/response....I'm longing for it with someone that isn't capable of (for whatever reason) of providing it. That doesn't translate into a failure in me or a lack of anything. My needs are normal and I've chosen to try and have those needs met by someone that isn't capable of consistantly meeting those needs. My grief is for my dream. All I have is today anyway and if I stay here and do the next right thing - then I can count on HP leading me and guiding me in the direction that is the right one for me.
I am rambling - it's early early in the morning and I am probably not making any sense at all.
I'm glad that your mom is with you this weekend. It's like the other posts that we've read here - it all passes...it just takes time. It is nice not to have to deal with the chaos and the lies.
My RAH has almost 3 years of sobriety. Drugs and addict thinking have impacted him and changed him. Some people embrace recovery and some don't. If they don't then all you are dealing with is a non-using addict which can be excruciating to live around. The pain of that is a lot worse than what I am feeling now. Although it is has not been all bad, the bad more than outweighs the good by a very long shot. The allure of the man he used to be w/o the drugs is simply a dream. I'm longing for something that doesn't exist - or if what I'm longing for is a situation/response....I'm longing for it with someone that isn't capable of (for whatever reason) of providing it. That doesn't translate into a failure in me or a lack of anything. My needs are normal and I've chosen to try and have those needs met by someone that isn't capable of consistantly meeting those needs. My grief is for my dream. All I have is today anyway and if I stay here and do the next right thing - then I can count on HP leading me and guiding me in the direction that is the right one for me.
I am rambling - it's early early in the morning and I am probably not making any sense at all.
I'm glad that your mom is with you this weekend. It's like the other posts that we've read here - it all passes...it just takes time. It is nice not to have to deal with the chaos and the lies.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
you will get better..you are strong, many of us don't have the courage to make the break...you saw it and did what you had to do to stay sane..You are strong. Be very good to yourself, splurge, buy yourself a bunch of flowers to look at, a good book, a walk. Find what brings YOU YOUR PERSONAL JOY. Get to meetings, do your reading..work on you...Talk to GOD...I pray every day but when I had the Despair in me that was so crushing I felt I had to remember to breathe, I got on my knees and prayed out loud...It really helped me...YOU ARE STRONG
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Great thread - thank you for starting it. AH and I are not seperated yet, but it's coming. I am just coming down from his last escapade that had everyone in a panic. I know that I need to be away from him, but like you I know I'll miss him and I am afraid that I will give in and let him back in. I KNOW that I will be feeling the exact same things that you are. When that happens, you give me the following advice that I am about to give you, ok? 
Stay strong, the pain is there because you've given this man so much of your life, because he has taken so much of your life. Take the time that you need to heal. Get your house in order, clean out your closets, do yardwork read a good book, get a haircut, manicure, pedicure ect. Go shopping for new clothes. If you don't work out, start doing that, exercise is GREAT for releasing stress. Bottom line is take the energy that you're spent on him for so long and spend it on you. I know that when I have my house and my physical being in order that I feel so much better, so much in control.
You can't help but miss someone so much because you GAVE SO MUCH OF YOURSELF. BUT he TOOK it, he took alot from you and you need to reclaim it. I admire you for taking that step. The strength that it took to do so only proves that you needed to save yourself. I ADMIRE your strength as I'm trying to find that strength myself. Some days I have it, other days not. You cut those ties because you HAD to save yourself, now learn how to fly...
Stay strong, the pain is there because you've given this man so much of your life, because he has taken so much of your life. Take the time that you need to heal. Get your house in order, clean out your closets, do yardwork read a good book, get a haircut, manicure, pedicure ect. Go shopping for new clothes. If you don't work out, start doing that, exercise is GREAT for releasing stress. Bottom line is take the energy that you're spent on him for so long and spend it on you. I know that when I have my house and my physical being in order that I feel so much better, so much in control.
You can't help but miss someone so much because you GAVE SO MUCH OF YOURSELF. BUT he TOOK it, he took alot from you and you need to reclaim it. I admire you for taking that step. The strength that it took to do so only proves that you needed to save yourself. I ADMIRE your strength as I'm trying to find that strength myself. Some days I have it, other days not. You cut those ties because you HAD to save yourself, now learn how to fly...
Last edited by Callie; 05-25-2008 at 06:02 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
((((callie))))
Awesome advise. And you can count on me to be there when it's your turn with your words. I am getting through each day and am so thankful for each day in a different way. My AH is stuck in a room at a friends house with no car, nobody around and no money. It hurts to know this but I keep reminding myself it is HIS CHOICE and HIS FAULT...
Awesome advise. And you can count on me to be there when it's your turn with your words. I am getting through each day and am so thankful for each day in a different way. My AH is stuck in a room at a friends house with no car, nobody around and no money. It hurts to know this but I keep reminding myself it is HIS CHOICE and HIS FAULT...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
(neverends)
Please hang on,
it's so painful,you will feel better it takes time.
The last time my EXAH was living in a sober house
I told him I will never again feel the way I did
before he left.
I was true to my word.
Yes it was hard,but every day got a little easier.
When he drank again after living in a halfway house
for 8 months I thought I would die.
I didn't, my life is better than ever now,
it just took time...........:praying
Please hang on,
it's so painful,you will feel better it takes time.
The last time my EXAH was living in a sober house
I told him I will never again feel the way I did
before he left.
I was true to my word.
Yes it was hard,but every day got a little easier.
When he drank again after living in a halfway house
for 8 months I thought I would die.
I didn't, my life is better than ever now,
it just took time...........:praying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Hi light-
Thank you for checking in with me. I did OK this weekend but my company has left and I'm alone again. I have not spoken to my AH in 2 days and my mind is making me crazy. I am doing everything in my power NOT to call to see how he is doing. But it is breaking my heart ... AH is not an evil person, he is a person with a problem and I hate not being able to show him I care or am concerned ... I do know that showing an ounce of compassion will start something that I don't want to get into all over again .. so once again im STRUGGLING!!!!!
Thanks for caring ..
Love and hugs,
Thank you for checking in with me. I did OK this weekend but my company has left and I'm alone again. I have not spoken to my AH in 2 days and my mind is making me crazy. I am doing everything in my power NOT to call to see how he is doing. But it is breaking my heart ... AH is not an evil person, he is a person with a problem and I hate not being able to show him I care or am concerned ... I do know that showing an ounce of compassion will start something that I don't want to get into all over again .. so once again im STRUGGLING!!!!!
Thanks for caring ..
Love and hugs,
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