Loneliness and Resolve
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
Loneliness and Resolve
I'm doing pretty well but there's something on my mind regarding codependency and As.
There are times when healthy company is unavailable to me, and the thing about the toxic, addicted etc. is that they always were. For their own reasons, but available nonetheless.
I fear a moment of weakness. Trying to keep very busy but there are times when I'm alone and in the past would have contacted my As to fill the space. I DO NOT want to, but I'm concerned about slipping.
There are times when healthy company is unavailable to me, and the thing about the toxic, addicted etc. is that they always were. For their own reasons, but available nonetheless.
I fear a moment of weakness. Trying to keep very busy but there are times when I'm alone and in the past would have contacted my As to fill the space. I DO NOT want to, but I'm concerned about slipping.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It can be very hard not to fall back into out patterns, sometimes simply out of habit to some degree. You don't have an alternate group to be involved with so the old toxic group seems like a valid choice when seeking to be among people just to be around people.
For me, I just decided that alone was better that continuing toxic behaviors and refused to give in to the temptation. I decided alone was better than the sham companionship with the toxic people.
For me, I just decided that alone was better that continuing toxic behaviors and refused to give in to the temptation. I decided alone was better than the sham companionship with the toxic people.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya Angelus,
Yeah it's not by accident though that the people available to us are all the addled alkies/addicts. If you look back on your life you probably spent years of actually building those bonds (as warped as they may be) so give yourself some slack - new friends - especially new healthy friends will take time to show up. But they will!! Right now - because you have made this major change in your attitude you kind of have to give your mind a little credit for being gun shy about jumping right out to socialize.
Maybe try to find a meaningful volunteer activity. Soup kitchen, literacy for adults, community garden, rescue animals, whatever! Find a cause that TRULY speaks to YOU.
Take on something not with the intention of making friends (cuz then you won't!!). Do good work with the full heart and intention of the work. This will lead to a slow revelation of your deep inner passions. You will get to know who you are through giving of yourself to people or causes that actually WANT and NEED your help (the opposite of alkies!!) As you get to know this new strong healthy YOU the new friends and relationships you need will come to you.
It helped me alot in early recovery from codependency to do this. I didn't know who I was - or what I wanted really. I felt SOoooooo lonely, vague, stagnant. I think at first there is a vacuum! So be patient and get a nice stuffed animal to hug at night cuz it is lonely - but the goal you are aiming for is personal growth so it's gonna sting sometimes- it will get better! Have you tried Alanon? Or counseling? They can help jump start you out of this funk!
Easy does it!
Peace,
B.
Yeah it's not by accident though that the people available to us are all the addled alkies/addicts. If you look back on your life you probably spent years of actually building those bonds (as warped as they may be) so give yourself some slack - new friends - especially new healthy friends will take time to show up. But they will!! Right now - because you have made this major change in your attitude you kind of have to give your mind a little credit for being gun shy about jumping right out to socialize.
Maybe try to find a meaningful volunteer activity. Soup kitchen, literacy for adults, community garden, rescue animals, whatever! Find a cause that TRULY speaks to YOU.
Take on something not with the intention of making friends (cuz then you won't!!). Do good work with the full heart and intention of the work. This will lead to a slow revelation of your deep inner passions. You will get to know who you are through giving of yourself to people or causes that actually WANT and NEED your help (the opposite of alkies!!) As you get to know this new strong healthy YOU the new friends and relationships you need will come to you.
It helped me alot in early recovery from codependency to do this. I didn't know who I was - or what I wanted really. I felt SOoooooo lonely, vague, stagnant. I think at first there is a vacuum! So be patient and get a nice stuffed animal to hug at night cuz it is lonely - but the goal you are aiming for is personal growth so it's gonna sting sometimes- it will get better! Have you tried Alanon? Or counseling? They can help jump start you out of this funk!
Easy does it!
Peace,
B.
Last edited by Bernadette; 05-22-2008 at 09:18 AM.
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Angelus 
Sometimes we fall back into our old patterns-each of us has our own spectrum of behavioral defenses to protect us from being hurt emotionally. I have fell back in the start many times! Today when I start to feel instead of fearing-I will fall back I'm aware and I go to an Al-Anon meeting, talk to my sponsor, SR, myself and most importantly my HP to help me get back on my track and my journey.
Attempts to control are a reaction to fear. It is what we do to try to protect ourselves emotionally-I have learned and it takes time to overcome this-"Progress not perfection" and if I allow fear to control me then I have that chance I will fall back-If I have learnded to conquer fear which is not easy and I still sometimes have trouble with it today-life does become much easier.
Our beliefs are the driving force behind our behaviors. Beliefs send powerful messages to our brain which can affect our actions and their outcome in either a positive or negative way. We can become fearful and retreat/withdraw or be empowered and act on our fears. When we act upon our fears or retreat from our fear it leads us into more pain-Learning to overcome our fears which takes awhile but it can be done-and we then begin to live life the way the way we want to without allowing anything in our way that will create us pain/fear.
Breathe....and take care of you-have faith in yourself that you will not fall back but rather that you will keep moving forward! Read a book, talk a walk, breathe the fresh air-focus on you today and what you want rather than what you think is going to happen. Pat yourself on the back for doing well!
Keep posting-
Sometimes we fall back into our old patterns-each of us has our own spectrum of behavioral defenses to protect us from being hurt emotionally. I have fell back in the start many times! Today when I start to feel instead of fearing-I will fall back I'm aware and I go to an Al-Anon meeting, talk to my sponsor, SR, myself and most importantly my HP to help me get back on my track and my journey.
Attempts to control are a reaction to fear. It is what we do to try to protect ourselves emotionally-I have learned and it takes time to overcome this-"Progress not perfection" and if I allow fear to control me then I have that chance I will fall back-If I have learnded to conquer fear which is not easy and I still sometimes have trouble with it today-life does become much easier.
Our beliefs are the driving force behind our behaviors. Beliefs send powerful messages to our brain which can affect our actions and their outcome in either a positive or negative way. We can become fearful and retreat/withdraw or be empowered and act on our fears. When we act upon our fears or retreat from our fear it leads us into more pain-Learning to overcome our fears which takes awhile but it can be done-and we then begin to live life the way the way we want to without allowing anything in our way that will create us pain/fear.
Breathe....and take care of you-have faith in yourself that you will not fall back but rather that you will keep moving forward! Read a book, talk a walk, breathe the fresh air-focus on you today and what you want rather than what you think is going to happen. Pat yourself on the back for doing well!
Keep posting-
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Right there with you. I WANT to talk to my STBXAH. I miss our talks. That's what I miss the most. He's the one I would call when the boys do something funny or cute. He's their dad after all. He's the one who loves them as a parent. No one else but he and I are their parents, kwim? I do find it very difficult to stay away and keep from slipping. For me, STBXAH will never truly be out of my life because of the children but yet...I still find myself wanting to share some part of my day with him just because we've been together for so long. I KNOW it's toxic to invest my time in him. I KNOW it is, but that doesn't make it any easier to walk away from that emotional tie.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 62
I know for me that I had to get used to my own quiet.
There were times that xABF was not with me so I could be safe but the argument and blaming he pounded into my brain would get me thinking and then the wishing he were with me to talk it out and fix it would take over.
I had to learn to just be still with myself and not fall into the trap. It feels uncomfortable and there are times it's down right painful but if I stick it out, I can get to a place where I am grateful for the strength to ride out the anxiety.
There were also times I was compelled to talk to him to reinforce why he wasn't there. That was difficult because I had to create coping skills where I could get to that rationalization without the actual conversation.
In my case an RO is in place and I will NOT contact. It doesn't mean that the cravings are gone when I miss the opportunity for one more time to have that talk that would set it all right.
I can say that I have come far in being able to have the conversation with myself and realize, RO or not, it would be like a horse running back into a burning barn after being saved to contact him. Being alone and lonliness or not is much better.
Remember all the reasons why being where you are is best and that the loneliness is you getting to know you in a way that you never have before.
You're growning and you have proof everytime you ride out the urges.
It will get better in time. Trust and believe it.
There were times that xABF was not with me so I could be safe but the argument and blaming he pounded into my brain would get me thinking and then the wishing he were with me to talk it out and fix it would take over.
I had to learn to just be still with myself and not fall into the trap. It feels uncomfortable and there are times it's down right painful but if I stick it out, I can get to a place where I am grateful for the strength to ride out the anxiety.
There were also times I was compelled to talk to him to reinforce why he wasn't there. That was difficult because I had to create coping skills where I could get to that rationalization without the actual conversation.
In my case an RO is in place and I will NOT contact. It doesn't mean that the cravings are gone when I miss the opportunity for one more time to have that talk that would set it all right.
I can say that I have come far in being able to have the conversation with myself and realize, RO or not, it would be like a horse running back into a burning barn after being saved to contact him. Being alone and lonliness or not is much better.
Remember all the reasons why being where you are is best and that the loneliness is you getting to know you in a way that you never have before.
You're growning and you have proof everytime you ride out the urges.
It will get better in time. Trust and believe it.
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