My husband died...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 28
My husband died...
I was new to this forum late April/early May. At that time I suspected that the addict (crack) in my life (my husband who I'd been with for 18 years) was using again but he denied it over and over. My worst fear was confirmed 2 weeks ago tonight when I recd. a call from his boss to tell me they found him dead in his Detroit hotel room. Not sure how long he was had been dead - still awaiting toxicology reports but know he was using - his drug of choice - crack.
He's been battling this addiction for 17 years --- rehab, 5 years sober, rehab, 2 years sober, rehab, 9 months sober - that's how our life has been. We have a 13 yr. old daughter who has known about her dad's drug problem since 6th grade -- she basically cut him out of her life after his umpteenth promise and lie to her that he'd quit using....she was stronger than me in that she quit believing him. I always held out hope and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well, there's no denying it now --- he was using since March and not a little, but alot. Tallied up his AMEX charges for March and April -- in March he spent approx. $5000 on drug related charges and in April he spent $11,000! (and I still have to pay these bills from his estate! But wait - it gets worse. In going thru his things from work I came upon a notebook and started looking thru it....it was from his last stint in rehab -- it listed his resentments towards his dad, mom, brothers, me, etc. (he had a sexually, emotionally, physically abusive childhood with both parents being drug addicts) and then I came upon the pages where he listed all his sexual encounters with the comment under "fears" - "hope my wife doesn't find out about my sexual indiscretions" --- unbelievable!!! Apparently over the course of our relationship (and many years prior to our relationship) he had sex with escorts, prostitutes, crack whores, men, couples, an underage girl and who knows what or who else. I always believed him when he said he was faithful and I never had any reason to doubt that -- he always professed his love for me and his daughter and our life we built together. We had a satisfying sex life and were close and intimate with each other for 18 years. He also remarked how lucky we were we still had the passion for each other after 18 years of being together.
He constantly reassured me he wasn't smoking crack and having sex, saying he could never get an erection while high on crack and he didn't like to be around people when high, and I foolishly believed him. This notebook ended in May of 2006 when he left Hazeldon rehab. He was sober for 9 months, then I believe he relapsed on both crack and sex. He took our daughter to San Francisco for the weekend to see a musical while I was out of town, and he left her alone in the hotel room while he was out doing who knows what (I do know now!). It's been basically down hill since then.
So now I realize that the money spent on AMEX in March and April was not only for crack but for sex and it just sickens me beyond belief to think that I have lived 18 years of my life with a stranger. I met with his Addiction Counselor last week who confirmed he relapsed bad while in FLA in early April - he told her he went crazy - god knows what he did and I don't want to! She didn't know anything about his sexual addiction until I told her yesterday. She wasn't surprised given the fact that he had been sexually molested for years since being a 2nd grader.
Apparently he fooled alot of people. At his memorial service it was standing room only and so many people talked about what a great guy he was, how he was a genius in his industry, how he loved his daughter and me, how proud he was of us, how much he loved the home he provided for us, etc. I even got up to speak and said how lucky I was to have him in my life for 18 years and that I wanted to celebrate his life, not mourn his death. (All I can say, is it's a good thing I didn't find this notebook before the memorial service, or I'm sure I would have prepared a different speech!) He also mentioned many times in this notebook next to his numerous sexual partners, his fear of catching a STD --- so, not only did he cheat on me, he also exposed me to STD's and who knows what else. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. Thankfully, I got tested for everything the day after I found out he died just to be safe and thank God everything came back negative. I will get retested for HIV in 6 months as my doctor suggested. Oh yeah -- he also listed one of his fears as being a homosexual.
I guess the moral of this story is that you can live with someone for a long time, be intimate with them, have a child with them, plan your future with them, depend on them, trust them with your life, but that's no guarantee you really know that person. Even tho this has been a terrible time for me, I am determined not to let him ruin me or my future -- I will not be angry, bitter, resentful, or play the victim. I know I did nothing wrong except support someone I trusted with my life --- I was there to pick him up every time he fell down and relapsed. I was there to hold him when he was crashing from smoking crack, I was there to comfort him when he was afraid he'd keep using and I was there waiting for him when he went away to numerous rehabs.
I've been praying for the ability to forgive him - I don't want to hate him. I didn't realize the depth of his despair and the depth of abuse he suffered growing up. His counselor said he had some of the worst abuse she'd ever seen. By all appearances he seemed to have it together, to not let his past control him or his future, and he seemed to have put it all behind him. Now I know that was not the case.
I'm sad he's gone - we had some really great times and I'm sad my daughter won't have a father any longer. But I find it hard to mourn him because I feel like I'm mourning a stranger. I feel a sense of relief this chaotic life we've been living for 18 years due to his drug problem is now over. There's a certain calmness in our home now and my daughter is more loving to me that ever. She is finding it hard to show any emotion about her dad dying. Her first response to me when I told her was "I'm not surprised" and her second comment was "He's been dead to me for years". I can't blame her for feeling that way --- he broke numerous promises to her time and time again - she doesn't understand it's a disease, she only knows her dad lied to her time and time again. I pray for her and that she'll be okay. She is my number one concern now and I am really glad this nightmare is over, especially now that I know he was not only addicted to crack but addicted to sex - weird, sick, deviate - sex.
So that's my story -- sad but true. When I started posting on this forum I never dreamt I would be writing something like this. It's amazing to me how your life can change in a matter of one phone call.....I want to thank all of you who have sent me messages offering your support and concern. I've been out of touch since I found out about his death, but am slowly getting back in the saddle. I can only hope that his death will save someone else or that my experiences will open someone else's eyes to what's going on in their life. I am determined to start living my life on my terms, my way, and to surround myself with healthy people. I may have been married to a real ****, but I will not give up on life --- life is too precious to me and I will survive!!
He's been battling this addiction for 17 years --- rehab, 5 years sober, rehab, 2 years sober, rehab, 9 months sober - that's how our life has been. We have a 13 yr. old daughter who has known about her dad's drug problem since 6th grade -- she basically cut him out of her life after his umpteenth promise and lie to her that he'd quit using....she was stronger than me in that she quit believing him. I always held out hope and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Well, there's no denying it now --- he was using since March and not a little, but alot. Tallied up his AMEX charges for March and April -- in March he spent approx. $5000 on drug related charges and in April he spent $11,000! (and I still have to pay these bills from his estate! But wait - it gets worse. In going thru his things from work I came upon a notebook and started looking thru it....it was from his last stint in rehab -- it listed his resentments towards his dad, mom, brothers, me, etc. (he had a sexually, emotionally, physically abusive childhood with both parents being drug addicts) and then I came upon the pages where he listed all his sexual encounters with the comment under "fears" - "hope my wife doesn't find out about my sexual indiscretions" --- unbelievable!!! Apparently over the course of our relationship (and many years prior to our relationship) he had sex with escorts, prostitutes, crack whores, men, couples, an underage girl and who knows what or who else. I always believed him when he said he was faithful and I never had any reason to doubt that -- he always professed his love for me and his daughter and our life we built together. We had a satisfying sex life and were close and intimate with each other for 18 years. He also remarked how lucky we were we still had the passion for each other after 18 years of being together.
He constantly reassured me he wasn't smoking crack and having sex, saying he could never get an erection while high on crack and he didn't like to be around people when high, and I foolishly believed him. This notebook ended in May of 2006 when he left Hazeldon rehab. He was sober for 9 months, then I believe he relapsed on both crack and sex. He took our daughter to San Francisco for the weekend to see a musical while I was out of town, and he left her alone in the hotel room while he was out doing who knows what (I do know now!). It's been basically down hill since then.
So now I realize that the money spent on AMEX in March and April was not only for crack but for sex and it just sickens me beyond belief to think that I have lived 18 years of my life with a stranger. I met with his Addiction Counselor last week who confirmed he relapsed bad while in FLA in early April - he told her he went crazy - god knows what he did and I don't want to! She didn't know anything about his sexual addiction until I told her yesterday. She wasn't surprised given the fact that he had been sexually molested for years since being a 2nd grader.
Apparently he fooled alot of people. At his memorial service it was standing room only and so many people talked about what a great guy he was, how he was a genius in his industry, how he loved his daughter and me, how proud he was of us, how much he loved the home he provided for us, etc. I even got up to speak and said how lucky I was to have him in my life for 18 years and that I wanted to celebrate his life, not mourn his death. (All I can say, is it's a good thing I didn't find this notebook before the memorial service, or I'm sure I would have prepared a different speech!) He also mentioned many times in this notebook next to his numerous sexual partners, his fear of catching a STD --- so, not only did he cheat on me, he also exposed me to STD's and who knows what else. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. Thankfully, I got tested for everything the day after I found out he died just to be safe and thank God everything came back negative. I will get retested for HIV in 6 months as my doctor suggested. Oh yeah -- he also listed one of his fears as being a homosexual.
I guess the moral of this story is that you can live with someone for a long time, be intimate with them, have a child with them, plan your future with them, depend on them, trust them with your life, but that's no guarantee you really know that person. Even tho this has been a terrible time for me, I am determined not to let him ruin me or my future -- I will not be angry, bitter, resentful, or play the victim. I know I did nothing wrong except support someone I trusted with my life --- I was there to pick him up every time he fell down and relapsed. I was there to hold him when he was crashing from smoking crack, I was there to comfort him when he was afraid he'd keep using and I was there waiting for him when he went away to numerous rehabs.
I've been praying for the ability to forgive him - I don't want to hate him. I didn't realize the depth of his despair and the depth of abuse he suffered growing up. His counselor said he had some of the worst abuse she'd ever seen. By all appearances he seemed to have it together, to not let his past control him or his future, and he seemed to have put it all behind him. Now I know that was not the case.
I'm sad he's gone - we had some really great times and I'm sad my daughter won't have a father any longer. But I find it hard to mourn him because I feel like I'm mourning a stranger. I feel a sense of relief this chaotic life we've been living for 18 years due to his drug problem is now over. There's a certain calmness in our home now and my daughter is more loving to me that ever. She is finding it hard to show any emotion about her dad dying. Her first response to me when I told her was "I'm not surprised" and her second comment was "He's been dead to me for years". I can't blame her for feeling that way --- he broke numerous promises to her time and time again - she doesn't understand it's a disease, she only knows her dad lied to her time and time again. I pray for her and that she'll be okay. She is my number one concern now and I am really glad this nightmare is over, especially now that I know he was not only addicted to crack but addicted to sex - weird, sick, deviate - sex.
So that's my story -- sad but true. When I started posting on this forum I never dreamt I would be writing something like this. It's amazing to me how your life can change in a matter of one phone call.....I want to thank all of you who have sent me messages offering your support and concern. I've been out of touch since I found out about his death, but am slowly getting back in the saddle. I can only hope that his death will save someone else or that my experiences will open someone else's eyes to what's going on in their life. I am determined to start living my life on my terms, my way, and to surround myself with healthy people. I may have been married to a real ****, but I will not give up on life --- life is too precious to me and I will survive!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Keepthefaith)))
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry he's gone, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with the relevations of your life with him not being as it seemed.
I am a recovering crack addict, and though I feel strong in my recovery, your post makes me even more determined to never let that demon back in my life.
Your honesty in this post is greatly appreciated. I can totally understand you and your daughter's feelings of anger. I left my XABF because he's still doing crack, but I've had to deal with anger, too...even though I understand the addiction more than someone who's not an addict.
I don't know how many people you will help who are struggling in relationships with an addict, by this, but I imagine it will be quite a few. It's a sad reality of addiction, but it does happen.
Sending you and your daughter many hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry he's gone, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with the relevations of your life with him not being as it seemed.
I am a recovering crack addict, and though I feel strong in my recovery, your post makes me even more determined to never let that demon back in my life.
Your honesty in this post is greatly appreciated. I can totally understand you and your daughter's feelings of anger. I left my XABF because he's still doing crack, but I've had to deal with anger, too...even though I understand the addiction more than someone who's not an addict.
I don't know how many people you will help who are struggling in relationships with an addict, by this, but I imagine it will be quite a few. It's a sad reality of addiction, but it does happen.
Sending you and your daughter many hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
keepthefaith, I wish there were some words to comfort you. I am so sorry for all you have been through, and for the loss of your husband. And of course I'm sorry for all you found out via that notebook.
Do you attend nar-anon or al-anon? Even though your husband is gone, you (and your daughter) would benefit from going to the meetings and understanding your place in the dynamic. I wish I had known about al-anon when I was younger, and when my kids are old enough I plan on taking them, too.
You sound so strong and it sounds like your head is in a good place.
Do you attend nar-anon or al-anon? Even though your husband is gone, you (and your daughter) would benefit from going to the meetings and understanding your place in the dynamic. I wish I had known about al-anon when I was younger, and when my kids are old enough I plan on taking them, too.
You sound so strong and it sounds like your head is in a good place.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Faith)))
Sorry to hear about the passing of your ex.
And sorry you had to find out about his sordid details the way you did.
I hope now that life gives you and your daughter peace and happiness.
Hugs, and prayers
Sorry to hear about the passing of your ex.
And sorry you had to find out about his sordid details the way you did.
I hope now that life gives you and your daughter peace and happiness.
Hugs, and prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I'm so sorry for your loss keepthefaith~~ and learning more about his life the way you did had to be so hurtful. Keep your arms around that daughter of yours and start enjoying life. My sons DOC is cocaine and it really scares me. My deepest felt sympathy for the two of you. Hugs, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
keepthefaith,
Please accept my condolences to you and your daughter upon the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing your story, and his story, with us here. I hope you will continue to come by and find some comfort among friends who care.
:praying
Please accept my condolences to you and your daughter upon the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing your story, and his story, with us here. I hope you will continue to come by and find some comfort among friends who care.
:praying
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
I was saddened to hear of your loss the moment you mentioned it in a previous thread, and I'm glad to hear from you and see your update. Sending you love and many compassionate thoughts for you and your daughter. I'm very sorry for the things he wrote in his journal, and for his betrayal of you. You deserve to be treated so much better than that.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Karen
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Karen
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for the pain you are goign through, both the loss of your husband and learning of the depths his addiction brought him to. I wish I had words that would comfort...Please keep sharing, it may help in working through the grief and shock. Prayers for you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
((((((keepthefaith)))))))
Although I can only imagine all the feelings you must be feeling, I felt hope in reading your post, hope for you. Life is precious. Hold on tight to your daughter and take care of yourself during this time.
I will also pray for your husband's soul and I'm sorry he wasn't able to deal with his demons.
Rica
Although I can only imagine all the feelings you must be feeling, I felt hope in reading your post, hope for you. Life is precious. Hold on tight to your daughter and take care of yourself during this time.
I will also pray for your husband's soul and I'm sorry he wasn't able to deal with his demons.
Rica
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Wow, I am just stunned. That post you made was so brave and so honest. I definitely hope for good things for you now--you and your daughter. I hope she can understand more when she gets older. It's not good to be that young and already feel like "someone is dead" to them. That's no way for a young woman to feel, so new in life, starting out on her own path.
I'm just horrified that he experienced the sexual abuse that he did. And his parents were involved? It sounds like he was trying to self-medicate such a terrible childhood and my heart goes out to him too, though he is no longer here. It goes to show that when someone abuses a child it not only effects them but so many other people that are touched by that individual. I think I would feel an incredible amount of anger and rage toward his family. But, sometimes, it's best to let that all go and move on.
Many blessings to you. Much love and light.
:ghug3
I'm just horrified that he experienced the sexual abuse that he did. And his parents were involved? It sounds like he was trying to self-medicate such a terrible childhood and my heart goes out to him too, though he is no longer here. It goes to show that when someone abuses a child it not only effects them but so many other people that are touched by that individual. I think I would feel an incredible amount of anger and rage toward his family. But, sometimes, it's best to let that all go and move on.
Many blessings to you. Much love and light.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
God bless you and your daughter, I will keep your words of advice close. They are so true, I know this. Never think you know someone completley, never think you do because fate will prove you wrong every time.
Keep the faith, you are a godsend to all of us.
Teggie
Keep the faith, you are a godsend to all of us.
Teggie
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
I am so sorry for your loss and all you have had to face and deal with. Thank you for sharing with us, I'm sure it will help many.
I also hear (read) light in your message. You deserve that light. I wish you and your daughter peace and healing as you move forward.
I also hear (read) light in your message. You deserve that light. I wish you and your daughter peace and healing as you move forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm so sorry for your loss.
How aweful to find that notebook.
Your willingness at this time to share with us your story so honestly is a very great gift. Thank you for that.
Hugs and prayers for a healthy and happy future for you and your daughter.
How aweful to find that notebook.
Your willingness at this time to share with us your story so honestly is a very great gift. Thank you for that.
Hugs and prayers for a healthy and happy future for you and your daughter.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thank you for sharing this. Especially so soon after.
I for one dont want to end up that way.
It is a harsh reality alot of us addicts never relize until it is too late ..if at all.
All my prayes and thought for you and your daughter.
Now you can start to heal .
I for one dont want to end up that way.
It is a harsh reality alot of us addicts never relize until it is too late ..if at all.
All my prayes and thought for you and your daughter.
Now you can start to heal .
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((KTF)))
((((((BIGHUGS))))))for you and your daughter. So sorry for your loss. You have been thru so much I am sure that you must be more numb than you know. I can certainly understand how you and your child may feel relief to know dealing with him and his addiction is over.
The first stage of grieving is denial. I am sure the tender hurt part of you needs a lot of protection right now. I hope you will keep posting at least when you feel stuck or need to reach out. We are hear for you. Take good care of yourself.
((((((BIGHUGS))))))for you and your daughter. So sorry for your loss. You have been thru so much I am sure that you must be more numb than you know. I can certainly understand how you and your child may feel relief to know dealing with him and his addiction is over.
The first stage of grieving is denial. I am sure the tender hurt part of you needs a lot of protection right now. I hope you will keep posting at least when you feel stuck or need to reach out. We are hear for you. Take good care of yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
I am so very sorry for the death of your husband and the cicumstances and discoveries you have made. You and your daughter are in my prayers. And i'm glad you will "survive" and I wish you future joy.
Be kind to yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
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